Micro-managing DH?

[MissHemsworth]

So this thread is just so that I can get a little bit of perspective.

I'm not sure whether I'm being a controlling micro-managing nit picking nightmare towards DH & my DH is just exhibiting normal man like behaviour & I just need to let him get on with it! Or whether I'm justified in my 'micro managing' So examples of this over the last couple of days are:-

Puts our 2 DCs to bed (he does bedtime probably 1/2 times a week so knows the routine) but only cleans one of their teeth & doesn't give the toddler his milk which is heated up. So this is where I notice only 1 toothbrush has been used & he gets a gentle reminder.

He's at home, I go out with the DCs. Return home & he's out. All of the downstairs windows are left open. I didn't say anything.

DC1 asks if DH can take him to school, so off they go leaving DCs school bag/coat at home. I caught them before they got to the end of the road.

Takes DCs out on the weekend, its bad weather. He's wrapped up in his warm coat, DCs just have t shirts on.

If I go out on a Saturday morning & don't get home until gone lunch time it's normal for the DCs to not have had any lunch. Or be dressed.

There are more as they are continuous & seem to be our way of life. Is this stuff normal for men? I'm just getting tired of my own voice constantly nagging & questioning/quizzing DH & conscious of inheriting my (narc) mother's controlling nature! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

It can also put you in the position of constantly holding back, which we all do sometimes, but it's not a healthy way to live long term

Right Davros.

You're either a nag or holding back. Both awful.

Well I have home the benefit of the doubt, but urgh lazy slob, that is so not an attractive quality. I cannot abide that behaviour from grown ups and to answer your question again not all men are like that and I don't think personally I could put up with that level of incompetence through sheer lack of effort.

Annandale

My husband once sat me down and showed me how miserable he felt living in a messy house. That was what it took for my immense laziness to get kicked to the kerb

What did he do/say? How did he convince you?

I’m with Attila, Spectacular and Tulips. Herman and Bummy this could apply to you too.
My theory is you are living with a narcissist. Lived through it myself, now out the other side. These are the cumulative things I recognise that make me think that:
You know there is something inherently very wrong when he wears a warm coat but ignores DC's need to keep warm
He never does anything with the DCs
Lack of DIY, he doesn't care about your home environment - unless you have visitors? It's boring so it's your job.
"In a lot of other ways he's different from other people"
You wonder if he is careless and thoughtless or deliberately using you as a mug or testing you for a reaction.
He's self absorbed.
You think your mother is a narc. It is common for children of narcs to unconsciously seek out a narc partner because that dynamic is what they are used to.
"He is slapdash with everything apart from his job which he is obsessed with. I do everything around the house so he doesn't have to do anything”. Yet he is perfectly capable of doing a job properly when he is rewarded for it with sex at home or money and power at work. He is choosing to be lazy and disorganised because he can. He knows you will pick up the pieces.
"I actually don't tend to nag him as it gets us no where as he just gets annoyed & could lead to an argument". Are you walking on eggshells when this happens? It's a classic red flag of domestic abuse. Does he have quite a temper when you say something he doesn't like? It might be narcissistic rage.
"Focus on the positive and he's more likely to change gradually just by being around you" This will never happen because he does it all consciously and deliberately to ensure his needs above everyone else’s are met, even before dependent small children’s needs. If he’s a narc he will never learn. Why would he bother when he is god and he can manipulate others to do the boring tasks in life that don’t bring him the rewards he craves?
If you were to think "he is quite inconsiderate without realising it" you would be making excuses for him.
Be careful you don't allow him to trap you indefinitely as a SAHM.
And as Bummy said, be alert to delegating DCs safety to him because someone who is self absorbed will not be uber vigilant to risks and hazards like a normal parent. I had to retrieve my toddler from the bottom of the teaching pool because XH was not supervising her (we had agreed we would closely supervise one DC each).

And if he is a narc there is no hope unfortunately. You would be wasting your time and energy trying to change him.

Holding back harbours anger & resentment you're right it's no way to live/conduct a relationship.

We do really love each other & he does have a lot of good traits.

I will definitely look into ADHD & dyspraxia when I have time & he's away as there are so many aspects of his personality that aren't 'normal' so to speak. Ie. He doesn't have any of his own friends, his communication style is non existent or quite strange.

I've never thought of him as a narc TBH keeping it wasn't until I discovered mumsnet I truly realised my DM & DSis are narcs too. I seem to attract them...in friendships too. A lot of good points there I will read & digest shortly. We are out having a late lunch ATM. He split his drink & got into a rage about it FFS.

MissHemms does he have any significant special interests? Up thread you said it was very unlikely he was neuro diverse however your most recent posts suggests this could be a possibility.

Contrary to what has been said up thread neurodiverse people (Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, ADHD, ASD) are a very varied group of individuals and although many of them develop excellent strategies which can overcome significant challenges in organisation/executive function many do not. So just because someone's DH has overcome these challenges does not mean your DH has, if he actually has them which is still not remotely clear. My DCousin has ADHD and is a medical doctor but really struggles with loads of basic organisation and always has from childhood.

I would need your DH to change if I were in your shoes because I could not micro manage an adult in perpetuity but he might need to be taught these skills.

Strange communication styles can point to autism. And autistic males often don't see what needs doing.

Herman Now you have split i hope he isnt forgetting to pay Child Support.

I think its hugely likely my H has undiagnosed ADHD, & is very definitely dyslexic (as is DS) I think he has the traits of EA & a Narc. (what a gem)
& I can accept the he has difficulty, but he could learn to make an effort & make coping mechanisms but just uses PA to deflect the "accusation".
It is hopeless.
My real worry is for my DS

to you Mix.

Imno he has been very proactive this weekend but has also been offish too. He manages to hold down quite a well paid job with a fair amount of responsibility so surely he does see what needs to be done at home, at work. However he is very non communicative trying to have a conversation with him about anything is difficult & frustrating & bizarre! Unless it is about work or his computer games. I will investigate this further though.

Steve his only interest is computer games (& his job?!) he has no hobbies or friends,

Keeping - there are a lot of valid points from you that ring true. He will do domestic duties when people are coming round it actually got to a point where I made a joke of it as the only time he ever mowed the grass was when his dad came over. I feel like I am on eggshells at times, his moods are so diverse...he has a very short fuse especially with the DCs. The entire weekend is generally dictated by what sort of mood he is in.

My goodness that you had to rescue your poor DC from the pool that's terrible. What was your DH's reaction to that? Did he somehow turn it round on you or DC or did he accept responsibility.

The fact you are asking keeping whether her dh accepted responsibility for his (big) mistake rings another alarm bell for me.

Narcissist ex cannot accept responsibility for anything.

Is your husband like that? If he screws up, is it somehow your fault?

Yes spectacular, there was an incident a while ago where he was in charge of DS1 & a car that was parking nearly reversed into him. He was ok as they saw him in time & breaked. Somehow it was DS1's fault though, he was only 3 at the time. Many other more minor incidents also, DCs falling over/off things due to negligence. Never his fault.

Read the Awful Warning thread ( incompetent husband) , well, not all of it as it's v long.

Clearly he knows how to do stuff. It takes a special level of selfishness not to put a coat on your kids when you've got yours on. Ffs. I have to say I don't know why you are putting up with this. A moody git will ruin your life quite fast. Boiling frog?

We cross posted
Jeez are you listening to yourself? He sounds like a risk to the kids.

notauser, I can actually imagine my DH doing all of those things. How does your eXDH manage without you?

He does ok I think. He has a met another woman who seems great. Most of our arrangements actually go through her.

There is stuff that just doesn't get done. If it's life changing like medication I'll ensure it's done, but if it's forgetting their Water bottle then I just don't worry. He'll buy some whilst they're out or access the water fountain at school.

The dc are never at risk.

He forgot to collect one of them from school once. (His weekly contact day ). Child was upset but school called him and child was collected. It wasn't the end of the world.

I want good things for them, and they know they're well loved by both of us but I just cannot police every waking moment when he has them.

MissH Pah! No! Spectacular is right - it didn't even seem to register that DC nearly drowned. It was over a decade later before I read about narcs here on MN and I had that devastating lightbulb moment, the one when all the odd behaviour suddenly makes sense.
I attribute my DC surviving this far to me effectively being a single parent all that time. When they were small I would occasionally go out on a weekend morning and when I returned home at lunchtime XH had still not changed nappies from the night before. Sound familiar?
The mowing the grass thing could be about image management, so important to a narc.
If you split you have the prospect of having to hand DC over to him for periodic access when he has sole responsibility. A narc will often lose interest within a year or use access to the DC as a way to continue exerting control if they get enough drama from the other parent reacting vociferously. Narcs love to manufacture a drama. The grey rock technique would be your antidote.

My xh has undiagnosed autism (I know where my kids get it from lol) and narcissism.

The autism can make him not see that things need doing. Or why. The narcissism makes him believe he's the perfect parent and not take advice or responsibility for his actions. There's a big difference between not knowing or recognising what needs to be done and a complete apathy over getting it right unless people can see what he's doing.

I've read some narcs seem to have difficulty with verbal reasoning. I don't know if it's because when someone talks about how they feel all the narc hears is white noise. Or because they are deliberately sounding obtuse and twisting meanings to create psychological confusion and uncertainty in their target. Stonewalling is another weapon. It's crazy-making psychological abuse - for entertainment and to maintain the upper hand in the relationship.
I hope this isn't happening to you. Having no friends fits too.

My goodness, there are an awful lot of Narcs about it seems

Let's not jump to conclusions here. He may or may not be a narc - but it would take exhaustive psychological profile to diagnose him. And I assume most on here aren't psychologists tho you wouldn't know it

The point is how you feel. How his behaviour impacts the kids. How you end up doing everything. How your weekends are governed by the mood he's in. How you've been reduced to a nag - tho, conversely, didn't feel you could mention something as important as the open windows. Do you want to live like that?

I'm just saying that my ex was exceptionally incompetent at stuff in the home. I went through every dx and reasoning to work out why he was so useless. Turns out he believed it was women's work and purposely cocked it up so I wouldn't ask again /easier to do it myself. Just saying, like I said.

springy Thanks for the scepticism, based on knowing only a fraction of my story. Despite your facetiousness, you are right. There are an awful lot of narcs about - many more than ever get diagnosed because why would you go to the doctor if you are perfect? An absence of a formal diagnosis does not mean it isn't present and someone who has lived with that person for years and years will be in a position to spot it more than most.
I would argue the point is OP is trying to make sense of a ragbag of odd behaviours and wondering how or if her situation can be improved. I, like others including you, are suggesting possibilities. A bit of respect for others' contributions is in order please.

*Keepon
*
Dh could be a narc. In some ways I think he may be on the spectrum. Absolutely no social niceties whatsoever, very similar to my brother who has hf Aspergers.

He's not at all lazy. He also doesn't stop when he gets home, he'll do any cleaning job I ask him to.

But, his care of ds is appalling. And when I moved in his house was utterly disgusting.

Yet the weird thing is we have a boat too and he's ultra proud of it and it's spotless.

I can over look the cleaning and tidying or lack of but ds's safety will be what breaks us. I've tried taking, pleading, screaming, he just doesn't have his mind on this planet.

He loves ds more than anything and has never got annoyed with him or even been short with him, has stayed up all night when he was an awful sleeper for months but then he'll leave him next to a busy road or 30 foot drop and not notice the danger until I'm screaming in his face.

I have serious bouts of ocd and I fear it's numbed him and he things I'm over reacting to everything. Although it's debatable whether my severe post partum anxiety and OCD was actually brought on by his utter lack of competence.

Sorry to derail the thread it's just been such a huge deal the last few days I'm finding it hard to see a way forward with him.