Micro-managing DH?

[MissHemsworth]

So this thread is just so that I can get a little bit of perspective.

I'm not sure whether I'm being a controlling micro-managing nit picking nightmare towards DH & my DH is just exhibiting normal man like behaviour & I just need to let him get on with it! Or whether I'm justified in my 'micro managing' So examples of this over the last couple of days are:-

Puts our 2 DCs to bed (he does bedtime probably 1/2 times a week so knows the routine) but only cleans one of their teeth & doesn't give the toddler his milk which is heated up. So this is where I notice only 1 toothbrush has been used & he gets a gentle reminder.

He's at home, I go out with the DCs. Return home & he's out. All of the downstairs windows are left open. I didn't say anything.

DC1 asks if DH can take him to school, so off they go leaving DCs school bag/coat at home. I caught them before they got to the end of the road.

Takes DCs out on the weekend, its bad weather. He's wrapped up in his warm coat, DCs just have t shirts on.

If I go out on a Saturday morning & don't get home until gone lunch time it's normal for the DCs to not have had any lunch. Or be dressed.

There are more as they are continuous & seem to be our way of life. Is this stuff normal for men? I'm just getting tired of my own voice constantly nagging & questioning/quizzing DH & conscious of inheriting my (narc) mother's controlling nature! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

How old are your kids OP? My DH also has his moments like forgetting to brush the kids teeth etc so I have had to train up my 3 year old DS to know what the routine is and he reminds daddy when he forgets. Yes it's (very!) annoying but he's also wonderful at lots of things that I'm not very good at and I don't want to be constantly stressed or angry about these things. It's just who he is and we have different strengths and weaknesses. Gentle coaxing tends to be more productive than nagging which causes tension and doesn't actually change behaviour. Luckily my DS is as much of a routine obsessed, control freak as me so daddy doesn't get any chance to stray from the normal routine.

Sounds like a lazy dick.

I felt such waves of empathy and sympathy for you op. I could have written your post myself and much more! I am accused of micro managing and nagging but I wasn't born this way! I sadly evolved into a nag over 26 years! My husband has recently been adult diagnosed with adhd and has all four strands I.e.forgetfulness, impulsivity, hyper focus and inattention. The diagnosis really helped him as it explained why he had always felt different and struggled with organisation and impulsivity. However, in our day to day life, in an effort not to be a nag, I have taken on more and more, but over time this has exhausted me and made me feel quite resentful, although I am sympathetic to the fact he can't help it. Google adult adhd and see if there's anything there that sounds familiar. There are loads of online questionnaire/tests to give you an idea.

This is so hard. I have been partaking in the "incompetent husbands" thread.

Ultimately it will become a bigger problem, (unless you are a saint) because he is an adult, not a child, & it is disrespectful to constantly assume that a SAH wife will just pick up the slack.
I don't have a solution, I have lived nearly all my adult life with a man who is basically incompetent & I no longer find it acceptable.

There are some things that might work.
Mostly list making. ""Shut the dogs out", "lock the windows & doors before bedtime".... there are a million things.
Every time I go away alone, I have to sort out the entire household.from how to work the washing machine to leaving the keys to the post box with a note, to watering the flowers, to buying more dog food, (actually I normally get him to buy it before I go) But the point is, Yes I was a SAHM, & I accepted doing the house & home stuff, but getting to be responsible for every single minute, every single action & remedying his cock ups is tiring & ultimately makes me respect him less & less.
I have asked, explained, pleaded, & cried, ranted & spat the dummy.

He is an incompetent, lazy, & ultimately feels entitled to put one over on me. then gas light & play the martyre.
It is not going to end well.

The DCs are 2 & 5. Some good points & suggestions on here thank you! And to those of you that feel my pain!

I will look into dyspraxia (& maybe speak to MIL subtly to see if he had any symptoms in childhood) & also adult ADHD.

This afternoon. However he had been 'making an effort' he actually emptied the bin & got the DCs swimming stuff ready, it was a nice surprise! Plus a few other things, so he IS definitely capable. Sadly though I think it's because he's wanting sex tonight, so bit of an ulterior motive there.

I don't think that there is a solution TBH as he's almost impossible to talk to he lacks communication skills the majority of the time, though not completely, but that's a whole other thread! It was more of a case of who is being unreasonable and getting a bit of perspective. So thank you MNetters for providing that

Sadly though, I think it's because he's wanting sex tonight,
This is so typical though. It shows when they WANT to do something (work, project, sex) usually for themselves they are more than capable of getting it right.
IMHO. you are in a no win relationship.
Shoot me down in flames if you want.... seen too much now.

he's almost impossible to talk to he lacks communication skills the majority of the time, though not completely

Then talk at him. You don't have to convince him to do his half of the family work properly, you just have to tell him where the halfway line is. If he chooses to ignore you or be deliberately uncommunicative, then that tells you a lot about him.

I was on the incompetent husbands thread.

Oh how I laughed when he forgot to book annual leave for our holiday.

I thought it was hilarious he forgot sunscreen on the hottest day of the year.

We talk fondly about the time he couldn't find the children's swimming lessons and just came home instead.

Obvs none of it was funny and I divorced the fucker. He's still pretty shit but it has less of an impact on the children (and me).

You need to let him fail

Kids complaining they're cold - let home hand hiss coat over

No lunch - make him take it to school

Seriously - I'm doing this with my teens now - so they have natural consequences and kids don't forget!

I would also let him fail.
But combine this with strategically placed check lists.
So in the bed room have a "going to bed list" complete with little pictures so the kids can understand it too. If you use it with them they will be reminding him if h misses a step ( eg one child's teeth).
By the door have a list of things for school with pictures. This way you will also be teaching your children independence.

But also if your DH fails then don't pick up the pieces for him, but get him to take coats into school etc.

notauser, I can actually imagine my DH doing all of those things. How does your eXDH manage without you? Sometimes I wonder how he'd manage if we split up & he had DCs every other weekend plus looking after himself. He doesn't know the half of what is involved to run a house/ be a parent.

I actually refused today to do something for him that he has repeatedly forgotten to do so he actually had to go out & get it sorted. Will continue being a bit harsher with consequences now I think.

Mix56 you are right. He's more than capable when it suits him/he's got something to gain.

I need to have a look at the incompetent husbands thread a few of you have mentioned!

Sentia you are right we do need to sit down & talk.

Sadly though, I think it's because he's wanting sex tonight.

Which knocks the other theories out of the water.

"he is slapdash with everything apart from his job which he is obsessed with. I do everything around the house so he doesn't have to do anything"

Just to say, from my perspective, this is the problem.
Some men seem to be useless fuxjers at home but hold down jobs well enough. I wonder why? Could it be that they know that at work theyd get their ass handed to them?

Stop wiping his arse OP. I know others have said it, but I'm repeating it. If you forever pick up his slack he'll never learn to do it himself.
You also need to make it crystal clear that if he can't be arsed to get his shit together that he can get lost. There's plenty of men who are quite capable of being grown up, or at least acting like one.

I know I do need to stop picking up the slack, & I did do that today. But he is only really home 2/3 days a week so any consequences of his laziness are usually suffered by me & the DCs. I.e. If I've asked him to do something over the weekend & he doesn't, he then leaves for the week & I have to sort it anyway.

There's no obvious solution really, he's not going to change. I will pick my battles & try to talk to him about it again.

I could have written this post dh is an incompetent idiot regarding the kids. It's infuriating ds has a lot of homework due to being a pain in the arse and being away with school he has activities tomorrow so wanted most of it done today while I was in work. Despite me telling dh what needed to be done they have managed one piece in 7 hours a drawing of a shoe which as dh is artistic and ds isn't its basically dh drawing so can't be handed in fffs done 2 pieces since i came home from work but basically ds will have to miss his lessons tomorrow if the rest isn't done which is sad as if they both got their act together he could of gone. Stuff like this is a regular occurrence fed up with having to double check everything being the only responsible adult. I to do everything as it's easier than having to redo stuff or write it down etc. TBH not sure how much longer I can't put up with it

"Not picking up the slack"...is easier said than done.
What if he doesn't collect chid from station? forget/wrong time/wrong address.
Yes it gets done, but involves, multiple reminders, phone calls, & worrying. When I should have my brain free, because I've already thought it through, seen what is needed & put in place the solution
So it's actually easier just to cut him out of the picture & do it myself, or set up someone else.
So if I am doing everything AND wasting my time trying to get input & micro manage DH, it's actually doubling the effort needed.

Also the lack of initiative & pleasing himself is lazy & he is comfortable just bumbling along....
well No Kidding

Ultimately I cannot respect & love someone who cares so little about me

Some of this sounds like my DD aged 11. She has dyslexia and would forget metaphorically her nose if it was not attached to her face. We have started her doing lists for everything and it works. He needs organisational strategies. Because it sounds like he is like this is every facet of his being I think he definitely has an organisational problem.

And no it is not normal for men to be like this, it is abnormal for any human to be like he is being.

But combine this with strategically placed check lists.

Oh - how utterly depressing.

OP - did you marry him because you wanted to mother him or because you wanted a sentient being to be in your life.

Some of this sounds like my DD aged 11

Does she remember these things when she wants a treat? Like the OP's husband? Wants sex so unsurprisingly can remember exactly what to do.

OP you are the default. Not the wife. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your adult life?

And you are with him because......

What do you get out of this relationship now?

My guess is that he is like this at home purely and simply because he does not see any aspect of childcare of being his responsibility. Its your job and that is why he is deliberately useless at it, he does all this to abdicate responsibility to you. He does not want to do it. His work (and he is probably obsessive about that) is his main responsibility and he takes proper care of that. He's not bloody well incompetent there because that is important to him; you and your children are not that important to him.

I would read the "incompetent husbands" thread on these pages and see how much of that resonates with your own experience.

You can talk to him again but you'll sound like a broken record or white noise to him and he really does not want to listen to what you say. You've tried talking before without success, what is really different this time around?. He's not going to take any notice and such entitled men like this do not change.

I would seriously reconsider your own future within this relationship because you are in for simply more of the same.

Does she remember these things when she wants a treat?

She does remember things when she really tries and she is absolutely not lazy by nature. The point is really trying for her takes far, far more out of her than it would for me, for example.

Dyspraxia, dyslexia, ASD just as some examples have all been shown to affect, to a greater or lesser extent, executive function and organisation. The OP says her husband behaves this way all the time, it is not normal to behave like this all the time. There are a number of possibilities, he could be a lazy useless fecker but maybe he might have another reason.

For clarity if he has an executive function issue that does not suggest he get away with this behaviour but rather he learns strategies to deal with it.

I am wondering Miss H whether your husband is infact a similar version of your own narcissistic mother.

It is hard when the kids are little and it is them (and you) who suffer the consequences. My DH can be like this - I often say he would be sacked if he did his job like he does his homelife! You need to stop helping him - at least when possible without you suffering the consequences. For example, my DH is now in charge of football practice and scouts - anything to do with these activities he has to sort out, I don't even LOOK at the list of stuff that DS has to take to camp. Surprisingly, when he knows I am not going to be involved at all, he steps up his game.

My oh has dyspraxia and is very competent with the dc's, it's just DIY he can't do. Having dyspraxia is no excuse for being such a useless dick.