Micro-managing DH?

[MissHemsworth]

So this thread is just so that I can get a little bit of perspective.

I'm not sure whether I'm being a controlling micro-managing nit picking nightmare towards DH & my DH is just exhibiting normal man like behaviour & I just need to let him get on with it! Or whether I'm justified in my 'micro managing' So examples of this over the last couple of days are:-

Puts our 2 DCs to bed (he does bedtime probably 1/2 times a week so knows the routine) but only cleans one of their teeth & doesn't give the toddler his milk which is heated up. So this is where I notice only 1 toothbrush has been used & he gets a gentle reminder.

He's at home, I go out with the DCs. Return home & he's out. All of the downstairs windows are left open. I didn't say anything.

DC1 asks if DH can take him to school, so off they go leaving DCs school bag/coat at home. I caught them before they got to the end of the road.

Takes DCs out on the weekend, its bad weather. He's wrapped up in his warm coat, DCs just have t shirts on.

If I go out on a Saturday morning & don't get home until gone lunch time it's normal for the DCs to not have had any lunch. Or be dressed.

There are more as they are continuous & seem to be our way of life. Is this stuff normal for men? I'm just getting tired of my own voice constantly nagging & questioning/quizzing DH & conscious of inheriting my (narc) mother's controlling nature! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

to you bummy that's sounds like a nightmare. How on earth do you manage?

My kids are not at risk as they are never left with him really apart from at home. Bizarrely his mother has similar traits ie. blatant disregard for car seats thinks they are just some silly rule enforced by 'the man' has frequently left DCs in her car alone to go & run errands/do shopping.

oh? My observations weren't aimed at you, keep. We know only a fraction of op's story, yet the narc dx gets wheeled out carte blanche.

fyi I was married to a narc, full-on NPD. So I know what a narc is and have long counselled others who are mashed up by a narc. I know how complex it is and I'm alarmed at how the narc dx gets whipped out when someone's behaviour is tricky or selfish.

As I said, op's oh may or may not be a narc. But lets not jump to conclusions.

I hate it when armchair psychiatrists wheel out their diagnoses. Particularly when it's the latest trendy one, like narcissism. Particularly when shortened to "narc"

They usually just mean this is a difficult relationship and this is a way for me not to have to deal with it, or it's a difficult relationship and not my fault.

I guess there comes to a point of saturation, whether Narc or Nerd.
All the eventual "rea"l problems, would need diagnosing & some kind of therapy, if indeed the H would accept he had a genuine problem that bothered HIM, & felt it was important enough to treat.
In my case he would deflect & be PA, compare my many faults & traits & sulk.
So it comes down to, Can you live with it ? knowing the situation will not improve, ever.
IMHO, you need a full time job, therefore you cannot be offloaded with all the shit home stuff as you are part time or God Forbid, SAHM
There needs to be discussion, about SHARING the load, & if necessary he must cut the grass, & you clean the baths. but make multiple lists, &
make him read them daily. If he still fails then it is a decision he has made.
Therefore, either you take it, or you don't.

Yes, narcissistic personality disorder is a very extreme thing. Lots of selfish arseholes show similar traits without actually having NPD. The DSM-5 definition of NPD is helpful I think, it shows how excessive the symptomatic behaviours are.

I think though that "narc" as a term is still helpful if it means demonstrating tendencies on a spectrum that leads at one extreme to a psychological disorder. There is a lot written about people who bring extreme self-centredness was to a relationship and the damage that does, and if "narc" is the search code that unlocks Google to be able to find info that's helpful I think.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this as I'm trying to figure out if my father has NPD or if he's just a selfish arrogant twat. NPD is fairly rare.

OP in your case a diagnosis (NPD, ADHD, spectrum or something else) may not help. If he doesn't want to or can't change you still need to decide what's best for you and your DCs, and even if he could change do you want to wait around for that? Ultimately the only person you can change is yourself.

"normal man like behaviour"- WTF is that?

case a diagnosis (NPD, ADHD, spectrum or something else) may not help. If he doesn't want to or can't change you still need to decide what's best for you and your DCs, and even if he could change do you want to wait around for that? Ultimately the only person you can change is yourself

^ yep absolutely this. It is all well and good getting a diagnosis and I am a firm believer in couples trying to balance out each other's traits but it is almost impossible to live with an adult who does not at least try their damnedest to mitigate against what is damaging their relationship.

Thank you Sentia, I don't think he's NPD well I hope not anyway, I don't think I can cope with another one in my life!

Mix the funny thing is he hasn't always been this bad. Two years ago a few things happened around the same time which caused a 'shift of power' (I don't like that term but can't think of a better way of describing it!) in our relationship. DC2 was born, I got made redundant, I had a big falling out with my family & he got a new job which paid enough for him to provide for us. It is since then that i have struggled.

I'm not even hugely bothered about splitting domestic duties, I accept I am a SAHM & my role is to do the majority of it, esp. as he is away a lot & works hard at his job. It's just that when he does something he invariably cocks it up & he also chooses to ignore any maintenance duties required around the house. There are so many that need doing. If I mention them he comes up with excuses or gets defensive & bites my head off, or just totally deflects.

Nothing would change if I went to work in fact I would probably just get even more pissed off as if also be out working & still doing everything around the house/DCs. It would bring some financial independence which would be nice! But it would all go on childcare as I would have no support from DH/family.

He's left for the week now (leaving the upstairs toilet completely blocked & unusable & barely acknowledging it ) so I can breath a bit now!

I am starting to sway towards him possibly having a spectrum disorder, not because of his slapdash ways as he is not consistent with those....but more to do with other more unusual traits of his personality.

This thread has been such an eye opener! Thank you everyone gat has taken the time to comment.

I know where you're coming from.
I also was a SAHM & happily undertook the at home work load, as he was doing his by earning the money... It seemed a good & logical share.
but, I think they believe they have done their part, & slot back into benevolence. lazy, strategic incompetence.
Also, it sounds like he gets sulky & you all adjust your behaviour to cater to him... Another classic
I just has an hour of sulking because I mentioned he has left a load of builder's shit in the garden, now the job is finished, the planks & rubble remain.... I also asked him to not eat all the bread as there are others who only that specific bread......more sulking & PA back lash.
Lunch in silence. I went a watered the flowers. Not interested.

I had one like this. He was a thoughtless selfish arsehole who only thought about himself. He doesn't live with

Hermanfromguesswho - that all sounds incredibly familiar. As do stories from others about coming back after lunch and finding kids not fed and still in a night nappy. Not registering big issues like basic safety concerns. My ex is definitely a narc, and I remember reading a thread similar to this a couple of years ago and thinking oh, how funny, this sounds just like DP, haha. :(

Took me a long time to work out that he was just a selfish, self-serving bastard who didn't care about anybody but himself.

Argh mix how frustrating surely obvious others need to eat the bread too! What could probably have been a nice lunch is now ruined with an atmosphere!

Yes the whole household is dictated by his moods. It's exhausting TBH!

Ah Sort to you. Well done for leaving, how is he managing without you to pick up the pieces?

So he's got everyone in your house dancing to his tune, trying not to upset him. It's an effective way to get what you want.
You will know if he's got mental health issues or if he's doing it deliberately if you ask yourself whether he is moody around others too. Or does he save it for you and DC alone, in which case you will know he is choosing to behave this way.

Good point keeping! No he can switch on the charm for those he deems worthy, colleagues, friends, his dad. Generally those he respects etc.

Thanks, sorry! That was all a bit ranty. I don't really care how he's doing tbh, he's more than capable of sorting himself out, he just couldn't be bothered to share the load when we lived together.

What I have noticed since we split is how very little has actually changed at home, on a day to day basis. As I was doing almost everything anyway, and having to manage anything he took on, it's loads easier with him not around.

..he hasn't always been this bad. Two years ago a few things happened around the same time which caused a 'shift of power' (I don't like that term but can't think of a better way of describing it!) in our relationship. DC2 was born, I got made redundant, I had a big falling out with my family & he got a new job which paid enough for him to provide for us. It is since then that i have struggled.

You really do need to pay attention to this.

No he can switch on the charm for those he deems worthy, colleagues, friends, his dad. Generally those he respects etc.

That's quite classic narcissistic behaviour.

They usually just mean this is a difficult relationship and this is a way for me not to have to deal with it, or it's a difficult relationship and not my fault.

I don't think there are armchair psychologists on this thread actually. I think there are women who have suffered in relationships with men who are narcissists or at least narcissistic to some degree.

Once you have been through it and had your lightbulb moment( s) then I think you tune in to it where you recognise traits elsewhere. You'll note I didn't suggest op is in fact with a narcissist as from her posts i couldn't possibly say. What I can say after going through a lot of therapy, court, police involvement, and ongoing behaviour management of my ex...I know he has npd.

Highly unlikely that these individuals seek treatment themselves and therefore how can we say it is rare? Rather diagnosis is rare.

Similarly psychopathy is not a disorder where the individual will seek treatment. It is those on the receiving end of behaviour who end up in therapy. I believe like psychopathy, NPD could well be a spectrum disorder.

The papers I have read on it suggest it gets worse as the narcissist ages which also perhaps explains how there are such varied levels.

Like all forms of abuse it also often increases with pregnancy. I certainly didn't see it until for the first time in our relationship I had to rely on him. He absolutely resented me for that and grew to despise me frankly.

There are alarm bells or should I say similarities i could draw from my experience and missH. I hope your dh is not a narcissist but as others have said, that is not the deciding factor on what behaviour you accept. You decide what your limits are.

Sorry this is long

Have you ever totally ignored his moods ? I don't mean ignore him. Just his teen strops

Yes optimist most of the time I do ignore them he actually gains nothing from them as far as I'm concerned. They do however set me terribly on edge & inside I'm pretty pissed off with him.

Spectacular you make some very valid points & speak from experience. I admit I dismissed the idea of him being a narc earlier but more & more things are starting to add up. Though I could possibly just be getting carried away! Can I please just ask what similarities we share Spectacular?

Sort - rant away!

Springy - yes you are right I do. I'm not much of a believer in coincidence.

Imno - that's interesting as he does it all of the time.

I agree, it escalates with time. particularly when there are DCs & he can no longer be the sole centre of your universe.

Yes, perfectly pleasant & liked by all friends & family.
But no one knows how he is at home, where he is agressive & unhelping, whereas he would cut off his arm to help anybody else.

They want everyone to think the best of them except the ones under their control. So they will lie and even believe the lie to make a story sound much better about themselves than it is. If they have a car accident even if it is quite clearly their fault they will tell the story that it is someone else's fault. If a child is hurt in their care it will be the child's fault, or someone else's. Never theirs. They never admit they're wrong so don't seek help and get diagnosed as has been said. If they ever do say sorry they manage to turn it so it's still not their fault.

It's all about the show.

Here's another test for interest. Do you have any photographs where DH isn't gurning at the camera, but was caught instead gazing admiringly at something or someone (such as you or DC). I don't have a single photo from my wedding day when XH was captured actually looking at me.
As imno says, it's all about the self-image.