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Original poster

Micro-managing DH?

167 replies

MissHemsworth · 01/10/2016 13:34

So this thread is just so that I can get a little bit of perspective.

I'm not sure whether I'm being a controlling micro-managing nit picking nightmare towards DH & my DH is just exhibiting normal man like behaviour & I just need to let him get on with it! Or whether I'm justified in my 'micro managing' So examples of this over the last couple of days are:-

Puts our 2 DCs to bed (he does bedtime probably 1/2 times a week so knows the routine) but only cleans one of their teeth & doesn't give the toddler his milk which is heated up. So this is where I notice only 1 toothbrush has been used & he gets a gentle reminder.

He's at home, I go out with the DCs. Return home & he's out. All of the downstairs windows are left open. I didn't say anything.

DC1 asks if DH can take him to school, so off they go leaving DCs school bag/coat at home. I caught them before they got to the end of the road.

Takes DCs out on the weekend, its bad weather. He's wrapped up in his warm coat, DCs just have t shirts on.

If I go out on a Saturday morning & don't get home until gone lunch time it's normal for the DCs to not have had any lunch. Or be dressed.

There are more as they are continuous & seem to be our way of life. Is this stuff normal for men? I'm just getting tired of my own voice constantly nagging & questioning/quizzing DH & conscious of inheriting my (narc) mother's controlling nature! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated Smile

OP posts:
imnotreally · 03/10/2016 22:11

That's interesting keep. Every time my xh took a picture of the kids he always had to be in it. Still does actually.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 03/10/2016 22:12

Surely if he is caught staring at something (me?!) adoringly that could be for show also? "Ah look how much Mr Hemsworth loves his wife's, see how he looks at her adoringly, she's a lucky girl" grrrrr!

OP posts:
imnotreally · 03/10/2016 22:14

Yes it can be op. I never caught him staring at any of us adoringly if there weren't people around.

imnotreally · 03/10/2016 22:17

Xh really upset ds this weekend by showing how much he favours the girls yet again. When ds was understandably crying xh turned it all back to himself 'you're making daddy sad'.

I was very good and didn't hit him.

SpectacularIdiot · 03/10/2016 22:25

MissH...I've checked your posts so I can be genuine here and not put words in your mouth.

Similarities...

Ex will always forget our son's things.
He would when we lived together get himself breakfast or lunch and not bother for ds if (rarely) I had to go out over a mealtime. He still feeds him sweets or snacks because it's easier.

Dresses ds inappropriately at times simply because it's an effort to buy clothes (now we're divorced he only gets clothes for ds if his brother or mum provide them)

Didn't bother doing anything around the house but acted like a martyr if he actually had to empty the dishwasher.

Forgets or screws up everything apart from his business/hobby.

Was/is impossible to hold conversation with unless it's about him, although could manage it for his family or clients. He was known for non sequiturs in conversation... usually linking other people's conversation to himself in an unfathomable way for others to recognise.

...

SpectacularIdiot · 03/10/2016 22:36

Never played with ds when we lived together.used his tablet instead or put TV on. Much easier.

Expected sex as a reward.

No friends

Would be enraged by minor things like bumping head (or spilling drinks).

Addicted to computer games (and porn)

Moods dictating everyone else including arrangements with my family (but not his).

No personal responsibility. Always someone else's fault. (This included him constantly losing things and accusing me of hiding them!) Became much more serious... losing jobs, having feuds with people who wronged him.

Ds hurting himself through negligence as a toddler

SpectacularIdiot · 03/10/2016 22:42

...losing my independence because I'd have to use all my earnings for childcare and he wouldn't help.

These are similarities form your posts MissH...these are by no means the things that to me define him as having NPD. They are more serious.

As I said though, you have to ask yourself what your line in the sand is. How do you want to live? Can you stay as you are? And here's the biggie...and I apologise because it's really hard. Does he love you? I do really hope he does and he may well do.

My ex did not. Wasn't capable but did a good job of pretending for as long as it mattered to keep me.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 03/10/2016 23:02

Thank you spectacular wow there are a lot of similarities there. Yes he does love me & I know he would be devastated if we were to split up. How long were you with your exh for? How awful that he was incapable of loving you that must have had quite an effect.

I honestly don't think I can carry on as we are forever. I need to think & we need to talk.

OP posts:
SpectacularIdiot · 03/10/2016 23:11

Well I wish you all the best. If you can talk then that is a massive positive.

As I say, I do hope that it is simply bad behaviours and not a bad soul in your dh and you can try to improve things. He has to want to though. You can't do that bit for him.

I tried and tried but it was never going to be saved for me. What I now know is the man I loved and spent over 10 years with actually didn't exist. He was a fiction. That has been hard to reconcile. I'm happy now though. Doing well in my job if not brave enough to ever want another man.

keepingonrunning · 03/10/2016 23:11

When you are thinking about whether he loves you, consider his actions not his words. Words don't take effort.

SpectacularIdiot · 03/10/2016 23:14

Keeping that is exactly right

LellyMcKelly · 03/10/2016 23:34

My ex is the same. Head of a university department, chairs university wide committees, travels worldwide as invited speaker at international conferences, etc. etc. Wouldn't cross his mind to give Calpol to DS when he has a cold. Has to be told EVERY SINGLE TIME that DS karate lesson is at 6pm even though he's been taking him nearly every week for the last two years, feeds DC tinned meatballs and pasta every time he has to feed them, wouldn't cross his mind in a million years that they need new shoes, t shirts, or coats. Gah! I work full time in a similar academic (though less elevated) role. I have no more time available to me than he has. How, HOW, can he be so incompetent at home, when he's so obviously competent in other areas of his life?

keepingonrunning · 03/10/2016 23:35

Spec I'm really not wishing to play Narc Top Trumps but I chalked up 20 years Shock. Your inspired username has got me thinking I should change mine to SpectacularIdiotwithKnobsOn Flowers Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine Wine

imnotreally · 03/10/2016 23:36

Agree with keeping. Try and leave him and he will be devastated but notice it will be all about him. Never you.

keepingonrunning · 03/10/2016 23:42

"I was very good and didn't hit him"
Be proud imnot. Be very proud indeed of your self-restraint. It's hard for us but the DC invariably suffer the most. Flowers

SpectacularIdiot · 03/10/2016 23:57

Keeping that isn't a game anyone wants to win , haha! 😋 WineWineWineWineStar for you too!

...and I definitely don't want knobs on anything, especially not ex's Wink

keepingonrunning · 04/10/2016 00:00

Quite Grin
My XH is a nob.

SortAllTheThings · 04/10/2016 01:07

Yep and yep to spectacular and keeping. 12 years here. He was only shit for the last half. I think.

The moods. Dictating everything from the paint on the walls, to the amount of time spent with the kids.

Also didn't think to put appropriate clothes on DC, called me controlling when I suggested snowsuit instead of just a light jacket for 1yo DD in January. Yet couldn't make it home for his kids birthday. Never ever cooked them anything other than fish fingers. Often came down in the morning after a rare lie in to find both kids still in pajamas, the youngest still in a soaked nappy he'd been wearing for 15 hours. It's so sad. He got a bit better, after lots of arguments, but the change in behaviour came with a fuck load of resentment, a 'poor me' complex, and a refusal to accept that his behaviour was in any way lacking.

Twat has gone now. It took me 3 years. He's finally gone.

SpectacularIdiot · 04/10/2016 06:26

Sort Flowers Good on you. Mine wouldn't leave. He wanted me to stay, carry on looking after him whilst he moved in spare room and carried on with other women.

Mix56 · 04/10/2016 07:13

usually linking other people's conversation to himself
Yes, every single time
Also, never ever says sorry, even if accidentally walks on a, or most specifically My, foot, or any unintentional error.

Original poster
MissHemsworth · 04/10/2016 07:46

Mix mine went through a phase of doing that it was summer & I was wearing flip flops yet it was invariably my fault for having such big feet Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
MissHemsworth · 04/10/2016 08:00

20 years keeping Shock I've been with mine 12 but pretty sure he's only been like this for 5.

YY to being called controlling when you are just being the voice of obvious reason.

Ah thank you spec I guess we'll see how it goes from here. I feel so weird about him now like I've just realised he's not the man I married & he has all of the same traits that PP describe...

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 04/10/2016 08:03

"Mine wouldn't leave. He wanted me to stay, carry on looking after him whilst he moved in spare room and carried on with other women."
Ha! Mine was a carbon copy Spec
All the times periodically I thought XH hurt me "accidentally", now I'm really not so sure it wasn't on purpose for some kind of sick gratification where only he knew it was deliberate. He loves trickery.

imnotreally · 04/10/2016 08:40

Misshemsworth if this continues his next step will be to gaslight you. Convince you that things happened differently to the way you remember. Trust yourself and your own memory. I genuinely thought I was losing my memory as xh always remembered things differently to how I did.

imnotreally · 04/10/2016 08:42

Keeping - NEVER an apology for hurting me. Always blamed me.

Once during sex I got really bad cramp in my leg and had to stop. Queue a massive strop for daring to be in pain.