Micro-managing DH?

[MissHemsworth]

So this thread is just so that I can get a little bit of perspective.

I'm not sure whether I'm being a controlling micro-managing nit picking nightmare towards DH & my DH is just exhibiting normal man like behaviour & I just need to let him get on with it! Or whether I'm justified in my 'micro managing' So examples of this over the last couple of days are:-

Puts our 2 DCs to bed (he does bedtime probably 1/2 times a week so knows the routine) but only cleans one of their teeth & doesn't give the toddler his milk which is heated up. So this is where I notice only 1 toothbrush has been used & he gets a gentle reminder.

He's at home, I go out with the DCs. Return home & he's out. All of the downstairs windows are left open. I didn't say anything.

DC1 asks if DH can take him to school, so off they go leaving DCs school bag/coat at home. I caught them before they got to the end of the road.

Takes DCs out on the weekend, its bad weather. He's wrapped up in his warm coat, DCs just have t shirts on.

If I go out on a Saturday morning & don't get home until gone lunch time it's normal for the DCs to not have had any lunch. Or be dressed.

There are more as they are continuous & seem to be our way of life. Is this stuff normal for men? I'm just getting tired of my own voice constantly nagging & questioning/quizzing DH & conscious of inheriting my (narc) mother's controlling nature! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

My Dh micromanages me and it drives me beserk so I do feel for your husband. In the end you have to accept that's the way he is and any amount of nagging will not change him. You need some practicals in place for 'important' things such as putting DC to bed or leaving house (this will get a lot easier in a few years and teach them responsibility for own school bags early!). Other things I would let lie as the only outcome is to sour your relationship. It will not change him. Focus on the positive and he's more likely to change gradually just by being around you. Xx

I wonder how many of the "slack picker uppers" will be on other threads saying that they aren't feminists because there's no need for it and anyway feminists are all extremists who don't want equality they want superiority..........

I have a version of this too and I do let him suffer the consequences. The thing that gets me most though is being turned into a nit picking nag involuntarily. I often refer to my DH's Dyspraxia,although he's undiagnosed, and I think there is definitely some truth in that. My DH can be great, he's always done all the cooking and can manage the house adequately if necessary but he is quite inconsiderate without realising it. I hate things like never putting anything away, never throwing anything in the bin, pissing on the toilet seat and not wiping it etc. And then there's the getting me outlandish gifts because he left it until the night before my birthday or Xmas eve. Luckily I don't have young kids and DD (13) and I give him what for

My OH is just like this and as other people pointed out to me he manages to remember stuff when it matters to him - like work or something he cares about. YANBU but as how to effect changes I'd love to know too! Consequences seems to be the best advice but not always easily implemented (or at dC's expense) and still requires effort to have to correct their behaviour!

Can I just check- is not looking after children adequately a recognized symptom of dyspraxia?

He does sound like he may have Adhd. But there's ways of managing it. What is his reaction when you remind him?

Then of course he could just be lazy....

Good point

You have recently become a SAHM.

He has recently got worse.

Not a coincidence, OP. Deep down he sees these domestic and childcare jobs as yours, not his, especially since you are now a SAHM, and he sees it as your responsibility to pick up the stack.

He is messing up and being careless with the domestic work so you will stop asking him and it will fall to you. Subconscious or not, this is what he is doing. Meanwhile he is more than competent and I bet pays careful attention to detail with his real work, the important (in his eyes) work.

#slack, not stack

What tulips says.

He's got a job he loves, which presumably he is doing well at. Even if he has got ADHD or any other diagnosis, somehow he has managed it up to now.

What that says to me is that he doesn't regard childcare as a job, or something you have to actually do well at. It just happens, like magic, that children appear dressed, fed, clean(ish); that when they produce two massive streamers of snot there is a tissue that cleans it up; that when they start kicking seven bells out of each other there is a strategy for managing emotions that they can be reminded of; that when they are nice to each other this is noticed and reinforced with praise; that their shoes don't pinch, that their teeth don't hurt, that they aren't too cold or too hot, that they can entertain themselves because they can read, that they can go to a cupboard and find art materials they can play with, that there are games they know the rules of that they can play together, that when they go to a party they have a present and a card and know that they should find the birthday person and give it to them, that they have friends they know well and whose parents know their parents. All that stuff has just happened.

I would present the problem to him. You didn't grow up with an ambition to be a nagging cow. You thought that nagging cows had personality problems and felt sorry for the poor men they were married to. And now, guess what, you find yourself being a nag and it's the most miserable experience to find that you aren't special, or privileged, or anything, you are female and a mother and getting fucked in a way that doesn't involve any fun. By your husband.

My husband once sat me down and showed me how miserable he felt living in a messy house. That was what it took for my immense laziness to get kicked to the kerb a bit. Show him how you are feeling.

Mix56 I agree, as far as letting him deal with the consequences go I have to pick my battles!

I actually don't tend to nag him as it gets us no where as he just gets annoyed & could lead to an argument. I do however feel like I have to check up on him, micro manage him etc. Saying that it's like he knows about this thread & is making an effort this weekend so he is capable! (This is not normal behaviour!) My instinct tells me it's not ADHD/dyspraxia but will still do some research.

I think he's just a lazy slob TBH! This thread has made me realise there as a lot of other things he doesn't take responsibility for (domestically). I thought it might be normal ' man stuff' but am starting to realise it is not.

He also comes from a family where it's the man who goes out to work & the woman stays at home (MIL has never worked) which may also have some relevance.

So many replies thank you, I really appreciate it. Now I know I am not BU it has given me the strength I need to deal with this situation & have no need to doubt myself!

Annandale & tulip, yes I agree. I don't think he's aware of the full extent of parenting & probably will. He never does anything with the DCs, they just sit & watch telly in a dark room. How depressing!

Op I have had some success tho with saying directly straight after the event 'when you do/don't do x it makes me feel unloved because... [it makes me feel like you don't value our family routines/that I have now take their lunch in]. Might sound ott but has got the point across to him

Oh this is almost exactly my ex husband (or soon to be ex, we separated 4 months ago)
He almost definitely has ADHD (not diagnosed) and the words I would use to describe him are careless and thoughtless as well as him being kind, generous, utterly likeable to everyone.
Over the years I became more and more resentful of doing everything to organise the family. Particularly after I went back to work. I was angry a lot, irritated constantly and just not nice to be around. It was actually him who said he wasn't happy and suggested separation in the end because I was just so snappy and angry all the time. He thought I wouldn't manage without him (he earns a fortune, I earn pennies) and had the idea that he actually did a lot more than I gave him credit for around the house.
I think he thought id beg him to stay and change my attitude but I agreed and he left.
Honestly, since then my house is run much more easily (on my own, with 3 kids and a full time job) than it ever was with DH here. The lack of stress of wondering whether he is doing his share properly or not is gone and it's actually much easier on my own.
It's been hard managing finances, but I'm very organised (years of having to be!) and really keep on top of it. DH on the other hand has found managing everything on his own much much harder than he expected. BUT despite finding it very hard he is managing and is actually doing things better than he did when he had me to fall back on.
Just goes to show that he can do it, just didn't put in all the effort before because he didn't have to!

My ex is like this. Does the oh so lovable hopeless scatterbrain act to get away with it. Now, I truly hope and not suggesting your dh is at ex h's level but I found out the hard way he is in fact an utterly selfish narcissist.

Things that he neglects to do are because they don't really matter to him.

Even now, we are divorced and it is even written into a court order that he will feed our son when he has him, ds cones home having eaten crisps for tea. Ex can't be bothered. That's it. Too bloody selfish to care enough.

PMd you OP

Oh and it's horrible nagging. Makes you feel shit about yourself and it becomes the story he puts out to others. He's the poor henpecked husband.

I wouldn't be a sahm in your shoes. I'd have a way of being independent if it comes to it. Sorry. Not a nice thing to say but as I say, I've learned the hard way.

to you Herman though it sounds like you have a weight lifted! You could be describing me there, I feel resentful too. Well done for leaving him & it's funny that he has now had to pull his socks up without you there, it probably came as a massive shock to him.

Wow spectacular in a court order

Thanks Runny I will check later as just on the app. ATM

Omg maybe my dh is living with you too!

It drives me fucking insane.

The other day he took ds out in a t shirt and no shoes. It's pretty cold here already and he was wearing thick coat and hat.

I try to not comment but I do every little thing.

The dog, cats and chickens would actually just die if I didn't do everything.

He's not lazy, he works long hours in a back breaking job which is why I don't go ballistic but he really doesn't give one fuck.

He is being deliberately incompetent.

Dh is also bad with safety too.

I've nearly left him a few times over repeatedly leaving a stair gate to a fatal steep set of stairs open, driving in to our drive like a manic when ds is out playing, so many things.

Penfold - yes.

Bummymummy omg