Micro-managing DH?

[MissHemsworth]

So this thread is just so that I can get a little bit of perspective.

I'm not sure whether I'm being a controlling micro-managing nit picking nightmare towards DH & my DH is just exhibiting normal man like behaviour & I just need to let him get on with it! Or whether I'm justified in my 'micro managing' So examples of this over the last couple of days are:-

Puts our 2 DCs to bed (he does bedtime probably 1/2 times a week so knows the routine) but only cleans one of their teeth & doesn't give the toddler his milk which is heated up. So this is where I notice only 1 toothbrush has been used & he gets a gentle reminder.

He's at home, I go out with the DCs. Return home & he's out. All of the downstairs windows are left open. I didn't say anything.

DC1 asks if DH can take him to school, so off they go leaving DCs school bag/coat at home. I caught them before they got to the end of the road.

Takes DCs out on the weekend, its bad weather. He's wrapped up in his warm coat, DCs just have t shirts on.

If I go out on a Saturday morning & don't get home until gone lunch time it's normal for the DCs to not have had any lunch. Or be dressed.

There are more as they are continuous & seem to be our way of life. Is this stuff normal for men? I'm just getting tired of my own voice constantly nagging & questioning/quizzing DH & conscious of inheriting my (narc) mother's controlling nature! Any feedback would be greatly appreciated

Wouldn't someone with ADHD or dyspraxia apologise if they knew they had accidentally hurt you?
It takes a worrying personality to not only fail to apologise, but somehow turn it around and blame you.
MissH have you heard of the three phases of idealise-devalue-discard typical in a relationship with a narcissist? It might explain how your relationship was good in the beginning but I acknowledge only you know the full details of your experience.

Have you had counselling for your experiences with your dm..We often put up with things when we have unresolved stuff in our own lives. My dh was very successful at work but useless at little details at home. He could never hold in his head the times of the children's schools or activities. I was brilliant of course at all the detail so he left it totally to me to organise, remind him, sort out after him. I had a lot of resentment and was always expecting him to let me down in the practical things. Even the children made jokes about how late he would be. Then l had counselling. I became more confident and assertive. I dealt with issues from my own childhood. It's hard to put my finger on it. But dh has stepped up. He does lots of housework cooking shopping picking up older dc now. They contact him for stuff not me. It's brilliant. It's like the more competent we are the less they are.
My dh is even ahead of me now wanting place tidy. I find it hard to pinpoint the turning point but it definitely involved stepping back.

I wondered if it might be possible for someone to post a link to the incompetent husband thread? I can't find it. Thanks!

Here it is AG.
Bummy Have you considered ADHD as the explanation for DH's blind spot around DC's safety? Could 'not lazy' be 'unusually active'? Maybe he got easily bored maintaining his house but the boat is his passion?

Following through that link gets me to this really extremely helpful blog post. OP if you have a minute, it's well worth a read:

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Thanks AG I'll have a read of that later.

No counselling June though it sounds like it has really worked for youIt's something I have considered in the past & would probably benefit from.

Keeping that sounds interesting I will look into that!

Imno I will certainly be aware of gas lighting thank you. It sounds infuriating for you. Not a term I was familiar with until I joined mumsnet.

what does the n mean in imno

noble...

Imnotreally

Duh!

When the scales are falling from your eyes, it can be useful to simply observe for a while.

Try to act like you are David Attenborough watching this strange creature in the wild. Note his behaviour, maybe literally in a notepad or online. Just watch and record. Don't have big talks yet. Don't plan how to 'fix' him. Don't diagnose. Don't make excuses.

Looking at his actual behaviour with your rose tinted glasses taken off, might lead you to a very different approach to handling him.

You've only just realised that maybe his behaviour is that of a chauvinistic selfish person. It was not obvious before you had DC and became a SAHM. I wouldn't rush into action now. Let yourself absorb the possibility and observe.

You've mentioned several times about you researching dyspraxia, ADHD etc. Like it is your job to diagnose. Like it would make his behaviour OK. That's kind of weird.

A very long time ago I suspected my DH was dyslexic (like his sister). I suggested it in passing to him, he reacted all offended. I left it, he researched on his own over the next few weeks unbeknownst to me at first, decided he probably was dyslexic, went off and got tested, discovered he was severely dyslexic but was high functioning, found out that some anxiety type disorders are common with it, was relieved, went out and got himself specialist counselling, explained to me what he has trouble with and we reorganised our lives a good bit around that, he was super careful to ensure that there was fairness and that he didn't use his special needs as an excuse for bad behaviour.

I think that at most you might mention the possibility that he has dyspraxia or ADHD, not in a big talk but kind of in passing soon after he has had a meltdown about a spilled drink or something. Then leave him to it. He's an intelligent adult. He knows how to Google. This is a very personal thing. He has to want a change himself and drive the change himself.

I think that's good advice Runrabbit. I was researching something to do with one of the kids when I stumbled on undiagnosed adhd in adults. I recognised so much of my husband in there. I tentatively mentioned it to him and he was vaguely interested in idea, but then I didn't mention it. However I'd been out one day and when I came back, he had done an online questionnaire that showed strong likelihood of having adhd. He went to g.p. who referred him to adhd psychiatrist. As part of the diagnosis, the psychiatrist needed examples of different behaviours from childhood e.g. spontaneous or impulsive. This was tricky as forgetfulness is part of the condition, but I remembered different things dh and milaw had told me. He also needed examples from adulthood, which was easy! The stony faced psychiatrist couldn't help but smile when I told him I'd rolled over in bed once in the middle of the night to see my dh in a full on headstand next to me. His response to my question "What the heck are you doing?" was "I just felt like it".
The diagnosis has helped him to understand why he's different. He was also diagnosed with anxiety and depression, which are often co morbid conditions.

A headstand normage

Yes good advice thank you runrabbit esp.the observation. He's back tonight from being away so will go from there. Funnily enough he did knock a drink over at lunch the other day, I asked him if he thought he was clumsier than most, he said yes. I mentioned if he thought he might have dyspraxia. He did dismiss it though. If I find out a bit more about the condition(s) I can be aware of symptoms etc & possibly put it to him to look into if he's willing. It's definitely not something I would be able to diagnose.

Yes really a headstand! There are many more examples, like the time he felt like a short bike ride in the middle of the night and ended up cycling so far along the coastal path where we live that he ended up 15 miles away at his parents house! He walked into their bedroom at 6am and gave them a terrible fright.
I think you're doing the right thing mentioning conditions in passing. Ultimately, the impetus to find out more will have to come from your dp.

Keepon- very well could be adhd. He has the most appalling social boundaries. Could also be arrogance though. Hard to tell.

He genuinely gets upset when I point out what dangerous thing he's just done or not done. It's like his head is on a different planet.