Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

I can't get back to sleep as my toddler has had me up since 2am but I thought I'd check in on you wind. Hope you've managed to shut your eyes. Think I'm going to breakout my sleep hypnotherapy audiobook. Is that something you could think of trying at some point?

And god you're doing so bloody well :)

Good morning! What seemed like a good idea last night, putting up a pic of my 'work in progress' now seems like showing off - but to answer your questions Wind I use acrylics, and it's in my tiny studio at the top of my house, waiting for me to finish it, as are quite a few others (I like to have several on the go at the same time)

I am buying derren's book today - thanks!

Good morning Wind, hope sleep found you and kept you company.

it's a little early for me but DGS woke me up with a noisy rendition of 'I can sing a rainbow badly' (he's almost 3) and then my sister phoned so I'm sort of awake.

My goal for today is to do my physio twice, pick up train tickets and go to the chemist, a round trip of about 500 yards. Did a similar distance yesterday which took about 40 minutes. I know I have to be patient with my knee but I'm not used to being snail like. We all need to just go one step at a time, we'll still get there.

What's your plans for today?

Morning!

mrscog I probably just missed you - I watched random stuff on Iplayer until around 2.30, then funilly enough put on a relaxation thing on YouTube once I actually spotted something that I vaguely remember as sleepyness. Which is not to say I've not been shattered perpetually for years. It's different somehow. Did you sleep in the end?

Fantastic - it's lovely! Is it of somewhere you've been? Do you sell them?

married - forgive me if I've missed it up thread, but what's troubling your knee?

As for plans, I want to get as many stressors out of the evening as I can, so I've got a vat of bolognese ticking away and a chicken in the slow cooker. I have a meeting at 12 (16 miles away in a random church again, so might set off with, say 3 or 4 minutes contingency this time).
The only reason they're so few and far between is that I'm cherry picking daytime meetings. If I wanted one round the corner I'd have my choice of several evening ones, but like Peter Kays Nan, I like to get home and get the curtains closed. This may change of course.

Great to hear you sounding so positive still.

And wasn't it nice to wake up rather than come round?!

Try to get some numbers at the meeting - if someone says something you think "God yes I recognise that" be brace and talk to them afterwards. They might have time for a coffee afterwards and talking to you would really help them too so don't feel like you are imposing.

Woo hoo Pom poms for you over here!!

Hi Wind, sorry I disappears for a while, but it looks like you have started on the road to recovery and that is great to hear, there will be hard days ahead, but like anything if it's worth it you will need to fight for it. I wish you all the best in recovery and hope that all works out for you.

Hey ^user147* how are you? Any progress with your wife? Are you doing ok?

fantastic I'll check it out when I'm not on my phone. I'd be interested to hear what you think of his book. I really liked it, although it's a bit of a curates egg. The vast majority of it was good, scholarly in places, but I found the bit about coping with the prospect of death (which appears to be his own particular fear) went on a bit. I've never been worried about dying, I struggle with day to day living instead.

fantastic I'll check out your website I mean...

Hi wind, progress, yes and no.....

Weekend was tough, wife went out on Friday night and I was extremely paranoid, who is she out with, is there another person on the go etc, prob all unfounded, but I still love her, and while I want her to be happy I would prefer it to be with me other than someone else, but if it takes someone else, so be it.

I was in night shift and texted dd who was also in nights, we had a good chat and she let me know some of how her and DW felt while we were together. Dd is by no means an angel and may have contributed to some of the problems, but I let that slide, apologists and let her know I didn't know that was happening, and a lot of the reason I didn't know was down to drink.

I had already arranged to go see her in London on 19th October, to let her know I was sorry for some things (quick fly in/out) but I think now we can maybe throw some sober fun into it too.

Re wife, was speaking to her on Sunday, apologized for a lot of stuff and told her about my recovery and what was going on, apologized for a lot of stuff, and we talked about how issues had never resolved, (we used to have rows and then make up a day or two later, but never actually resolved anything) she also told me I never said sorry in the relationship, for that I am sorry and emphatically let her know. She revealed that while in the relationship there were times she felt suicidal, but wouldn't do it so as to make dd and ds unhappy.

I went to give her a hug as I was going and she said no, it just makes things harder, so I am still confused, like I said I want DW to be happy (preferably with me but I'll have to take it if that doesn't happen), but it looks like she is constantly putting the shutters up to keep me away. The fact that she is talking about feelings I think is a positive sign too though. So in answer wind I really don't know!

user147 did you post somewhere else after the aborted attempt here? I'd be interested to know how you got on and what the wisdom of crowds advised. If she's adamant she wants it to end then I believe everyone will benefit (including you) if that is given the time it needs to sink in. Even if you are to rekindle something, it sounds like it will have to be such a dramatically different dynamic that you should probably make sure you know who this new, communicative you actually is first. Respect is the main thing - if she's worn down into coming back you'll be hurting everyone. But hark at me spouting bollocks from afar.

Hi wind, yes apparently twice here

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/newbies_corner/2749519-Alcoholism-and-split

And here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/2749523-Alcohol-and-relationship

Gantastic not showing off at all - love it. Would love so much to have time to develop my arty stuff but with multiple chronic illnesses and the pressure to be the breadwinner my sewing machine has done little more than hems in months.
Whinge whinge. Am 3 years sober and pondering whether to go for something of a life and perspective change, or is that the perennial alcoholic running away? Hmmm
But anyway - Wind I truly love the way you're tacling things, tough stuff first, managing the triggers so as to manage the feelings. The DRY thread in relationships used to be really solid for abstinence support, I don't know if you've dropped in?

Enjoy your meeting. Go early! Has your appetite returned yet?

user147 If you want replies - and lots of them, put it in Relationships. You'll be inundated. There will be a range, but I warn you now, as the bad guy (which I am sure you would say you acknowledge) it won't be comfortable reading at times. My perception of the relationships board, for what it is worth, is the first 2 pages of posts are often dominated by people projecting their own pain (not always of course) and then the story rounds out and becomes more about the OP. Once the initial scrum to fit an understood narrative settles down, there is an enormous amount of support and kindness, even when you're the one that has to do the apologizing. Pop a tin hat on and ride it out over there. Might help.

Hello there Wind

You talking about bubbling bologna use is making me hungry.

I really am floored at how well you are doing - you are a far stronger person than you think you are.

Yes thank you - think I managed to get an extra couple of hours although I was then late for work! Glad you managed to doze off too. The audiobook I use is called Deep Sleep Every Night by Glenn Harrold. I've always found it effective at night (not so much in the day), especially if I listen to it on headphones. It starts off by telling you there are 2 tracks and you can always listen to the next one another time, but I've never even got beyond the first 10 mins of track one, so I don't even know what happens after that! I generally stir and take the headphones off at some point as I'm never wearing them when I wake up.

It sounds like you have a really positive day planned, well done you, and don't worry if you don't achieve it all, every step in the right direction is another one towards a much better place.

Hello again

Hope you made it to the church on time

I am home for a couple of weeks after keyhole knee surgery last Thursday, seems to have been quite a pivotal day for both of us...
Am struck by the realisation that recovery from anything is a combination of rest and being kind to oneself whilst pushing through daunting unfamiliar situations, aiming for long term improvement.

Lurker here, just wanted to say you are doing really well Wind- keep it up!!

wind. Have you re-read this thread? I am astounded. It begins with a remarkable moment of self-awareness and continues with your sheer determination to change your life. It's incredibly inspirational. Not only that, but I am incredibly touched by your compassion and concern for other posters. You. Bloody. Rock. Xxx (and I don't do kisses on MN)

Another lurker - waves - totally inspired by your progress!!! Your determination made me go out and swim 15 lengths of the local pool for the first time in years. Something I have been putting off for months and months. Well done you.

Just - what shouldhavebeenJess said. That's it. Xx

Oh and how was today's meeting?

Another supporter hoping you found the meeting helpful.