Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

That overwhelmed feeling? Not being able to tackle anything? Feeling hopeless?

You may well be depressed.
Alcohol is a depressant - it makes you depressed.
It may help short-term with anxiety or feeling less stressed or just blanking everything out for a bit, but it is actually a neurotoxin and in fact poisons your brain and your messenger substances (neurotransmitters). It affects your cognitive functions and your mood, profoundly and to an ever worse extent.
The good news? You can stop it from happening.
You can feel normal and happy again.
The insomnia and brain fug will lift again with time.

Are you eating? Eating well??
While you are drinking heavily you should consider taking Vitamin B supplements to protect your poor brain. Again, your GP can help you with that.

OP I'm not necessarily going to have any practical advice for you but I just want to say that it is possible to turn it around. I was where you are 3 years ago, my circumstances were slightly different in that it wasn't alcohol I was addicted to but I did feel that my life was a total fuck up, that I'd wasted most of my adult life and that my existence was totally and utterly pointless.

The reason I don't have much in the way of advice is because I pretty much had my life changed for me by circumstance, I literally had no choice but to sort myself out or I would have lost everything. Your situation is harder because you need to find your route out of this whereas mine was laid out for me but I honestly think it can be done, you can do it.

I went from the same hopeless, joyless, sad slog through each day to a 'normal' life, yes it has ups and downs like anyone else but it's a million times better than it was. I'm clean, I'm relatively healthy and I'm generally happy, I have the life I saw everyone else living but never thought I could have.

So yes, you can turn it around, others will no doubt have better advice about how you get there than me but I just wanted you to know it isn't too late. I'm a similar age to you and have a lot of regrets about how much time I wasted but I (hopefully) have a lot of time in front of me too and I don't intend to waste anymore. Things get better incredibly quickly once you beat your addiction so the sooner you take the first step towards doing that the sooner that feeling of everything being pointless will stop. Everything gets easier then, hope creeps back in and life feels worth living again.

One piece of advice I do have is to stop focusing on your failures, yes you've made mistakes, we all have but you need all your energy to fight your addiction right now, look forward not back. My past is still ugly when I allow myself to think about it but I'm in a place now where I know it's what I do with my future that matters, I can control that, make it different, the past is done.

Go to your GP, find your nearest AA meeting, find the path that will work for you and stop looking backwards because all that will do is drag you down. What's in front of you can be completely different to what's gone before

Wind do not look for validation from teenagers. They will crush you. Do not take their behaviour personally, it is not a reflection of you, it really isn't. If they ever do notice you, chances it is because you are embarrassing them by breathing or something equally heinous. You and you alone hold the key to your happiness, it is with you now.
If you can, do the washing up and then do something nice for yourself. If you can't, don't beat yourself up about it, just acknowledge that you can't, and think about how it makes you feel without judging yourself. Honour your feelings, sometimes by thinking about how you feel, and allowing yourself to feel can help them shift, and then maybe you feel you can tackle the washing up.

Hidingtonothing - I'm im floods of tears reading your eloquent and generous words. I'm hugely grateful for your insight.

Pacificdogwood - I'm horribly afraid I know that stuff off by heart :-)( I google stuff to scare myself - it's never been enough to stop me. :-(

I didn't mean to make you cry Wind! I recognise where you are though, remember all too clearly what it felt like and wish no one else had to feel that way, ever. I'm on here a lot and always happy to listen if it helps, keep posting, PM me if you like but see this as your first step to something better and just keep inching forward, you will get there

Havent read entire thread but in answer to your Q - yes you can definitely change your life. When I had fucked up (end of marriage, jobless, etc) I moved .... within a month I had a new job. I no longer felt trapped in my home town. Also you need to take up a new hobby. My new hobby (and trust me - i NEVER thought I would say this) is weight training. My body has changed, my mental health has improved, I drink less, I feel more confident and I have a whole new world I feel passionate about.

Find a passion and pursue it (it needn't be expensive). Do things for YOU.

WindfallenArch - you can turn things around but it won't be quick. Perhaps you could start with the dishes - the drinking is a good thing to tackle because you will start to feel better once you really stop. Talk to your GP - get some help there and explain about not sleeping, tell them how you feel. Show them your post if it would help. Keep talking to people on here. You are so much more than you believe you are

Hanging that's inspiring :-) Thank you.

Oh, don't google stuff to 'scare yourself' - google stuff to find help.

One piece of advice I do have is to stop focusing on your failures,

This ^.
It's so important.
Stop beating yourself up for where you are - it is what it is and you have identified that it's not good
Ok, then, value yourself enough to make a change, a tiny change, a positive change.

You deserve better.
Life can be better. You have taken the first step already.
YOU can be the captain of your own destiny

OP you look to alcohol as a solution- it is actually the main problem.

When misused it is anti- life. It saps strengths, motivation, energy and mood.
If you can sort this than much of your life will fall into place. Forget about the hobbies, tidying the house etc.

Tackle the alcohol. That's the root of your problems.

When misused it is anti- life. It saps strengths, motivation, energy and mood.

This is where the comparison with my own addiction is relevant, it literally sucked the life out of me and that's exactly what's happening to you Wind.

Can I ask how much you're drinking, for what portion of the day and whether you've ever sought help from your GP before?

I've been in and out of GPs surgeries for years with the drinking - I get sent to turning point and someone talks to me about it for a few weeks, I make the right noises, don't stop drinking and eventually stop going. I rely on it so heavily to cope. I know all the facts - I'm an expert on it. My liver function shows raised enzymes, but nothing else stops the misery - life feels like an endurance test or blind panic every second of every day. Nothing is pleasurable and I see no joy anywhere. I just feel despair until I drink and then it's a little quiet, I drink to feel the blackness go away for a little while. It's really quite bad :-(

I make the right noises, don't stop drinking and eventually stop going.

You need to be honest with yourself, not your GP or alcohol counsellor or us or your kids: yourself.
That can be the hardest thing of them all to do.

Have you ever visited an AA meeting?
Might be worth a shot?

I would second AA -

IT is possible but it is not going to happen overnight or by magic. I don't mean that facetiously. I look st how my life has changed and there was no amazing revelation- just many little changes that nudged me in the right direction. Stopping drinking is s big change though. If you can't do that first you need to do smaller changes that will make not drinking seem more appealing. You CAN do it.

I did one AA meeting in 2010. I didn't go back.

Why did you not go back?

Or try a different meeting? They vary a lot in 'feel' or ambience IYKWIM.

*pacific+ I guess I didn't want it to go away. I'm terrified of life without it. It is my only sanctuary.

Someone said upthread that if you keep doing the same thing you can expect the same result, if what the GP can offer isn't working for you try a different approach.

Yy to trying a different AA meeting, look into what alcohol support charities or services you have locally, have a bash at starting to fill your life up with other things so that drinking isn't so attractive (know that one's hard to do when you feel unmotivated but still worth a try), it may well take time to find the route that works for you but the trick is to keep trying until you do.

Use this thread and anything else that gives you the tiniest bit of motivation as incentive when you feel disheartened because something hasn't worked and just keep plugging away with different approaches until something works. It will be worth it, you are worth it Wind

It's your sanctuary and your downfall though Wind, I was utterly terrified of life without my 'crutch' but that was only because life without it was a complete unknown I'd been on it so long.

I get that you're scared to be without it but do you honestly think life without alcohol is any harder than this crushing hopelessness you feel with alcohol? It's fear of the unknown but when what you know is making you so miserable can the unknown really be worse?

Do you feel ready to change op? It is clear that your alcohol is having a huge impact on all areas of your life in a terrible way, but it is something only you can change.

Are you on medication for your depression? From what you say, you sound severely depressed.

I really hope you feel able this time to break the cycle.

Change CAN happen!

It is much more likely if you have help and support. Don't be too proud to seek help. You may need several different people to help with different areas.

Talking helps. Even if its the Samaritans. Your Doctor should be able to direct you towards the right people and organisations if you can be honest about all of your issues.

Best wishes xxx

Your kids love you.
They may not like you at the moment, but I would bet my last pound that they love you.
Try and use them as your motivation, imagine how proud they would be if you got yourself sorted and got a job?
You'very got to turn this around for them, start by going to the GP, thats your first goal.
Every time you achieve a little goal you have set for yourself you will feel a little bit better, a little bit more self confidence.

I'm humbled and deeply touched by your kindness. It's been a long time since anyone has been kind to me. I left home at 16 to move in with the first bloke that would have me to get away from home, and while he's a decent enough chap after 26 years with him for no other reason than I was too frightened to ever stand on my own two feet we now just exist along side one another. He worshipped the ground I waked on when I was pretty and full of hope - now he simply tolerates me. I've coasted through life, never aiming at anything, never managing to form any adult relationships. I've just drifted with no purpose and managed somehow to stay in a job that paid well despite being mediocre at it. After a takeover by another company I was made redundant and it's very clear I can no longer do the job. I'm careerless, I'm rudderless and I've only just woken up to the fact I'm fundamentally still an adolescent prick.