Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

[Badgoushk]

Wind, it's good that you have a rational explanation for your daughter pulling away. Her hormones must have been all over the place. 9 is young but I think it's getting more common. I hope her big sister isn't feeling too upset that she wasn't first.

[Badgoushk]

And I'm in awe at how you coped with 2 so close together!! There's 23 months between my girls and, although it's wonderful, it's exhausting!!

[WindfallenArch]

Hi blue I'll talk to the headmistress I think - I trust her on what to do.

Evening bad DD1 was 'hard won' - DD2 was unexpectedly simple.

[WindfallenArch]

I've failed tonight. I'm not going to make too much of it. Overeaters don't get written off. I feel horrible. I hope I will remember this. I'll just start again. Again.

[Fedezeen]

Wind, I've been lurking since the start of your thread and have logged in for the first time in years so that I can post. I hope I can find more words some other time, but for now I just wanted to say what a lovely, lovely mum you are.

[FantasticButtocks]

It'll be ok.

The wagon is still there for you to climb back on tomorrow.

[Fedezeen]

Crossposted, sorry. More for you. You're doing great. I hope you can get some sleep.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

We just pick ourselves up, dust off and start again...we'll all be with you again. If you go through your inbox you should have my number....pick up the phone when you feel like a drink. Big hugs and let's have a sober day just for today? (It's only 12:10 so if it means staying sober till 12:11 lets do that?

[Hidingtonothing]

You're right not to make too much of it Wind, you've come so far in the past few weeks and that's what's important, tonight is a minor aberration, nothing more.

I'm finding myself strangely tempted back to my old ways since that incident last week, no idea why that should have reawakened old cravings but it has. I've been FB stalking old contacts, on the verge of messaging so I have means of supply, it's not good and I honestly don't know why I'm doing it but I'm hanging by a thread right now. I hope I can be strong, it's the first time in 3 years my resolve has really been tested so far less understandable than your occasional wobble so early in your recovery.

I wish you strength I don't seem to have for myself atm, hope tomorrow is a better day for us both.

[WindfallenArch]

How can childhood end at 9? At eight she was already trying to describe to me a sadness that wasn't connected to anything that had happened to her personally . Existential angst shouldn't exist in someone under ten. Nor should periods.

[WindfallenArch]

Hiding, hiding, hiding - don't fucking do it. You're an inspiration. Be the hiding I need to look up to. Walk tall and be my guide. My liver is more useful because of you. My 9 year old had somebody sober enough to 'pop' to the shops for pads because of you. I messed up tonight, but I emptied the best part of a grubby,'fuck it' two bottle wine bag into a storm drain outside my house because you inspired me.

[Hidingtonothing]

I'm trying Wind, really I am. I have no idea wtf is going on, I haven't felt like this once in the 3 years I've been clean it just feels like that thing last week has propelled me back to the old me, almost like I've done some kind of weird backwards time hop.

All I can tell you is that so far I'm resisting and I'll do my best to keep fighting it. DH is away for work til Friday, I think I'll feel better when he's home so I only have to get through one more night after this one.

I think I'm just seeking oblivion because the flashback thing has shaken me up so much, I seem to have forgotten all my PTSD coping strategies so think my brain is trying to send me back down the old route for dealing with stress.

I'll pull it round, I won't let you, or myself, or DD down, sorry. And well done for dumping the rest down the drain, if anyone's an inspiration it's you.

[Hidingtonothing]

I'm struggling for words about your DD starting her periods btw, my DD is about to turn 8 and I'm nowhere near ready for her to have to deal with anything nearly so grown up. I'm glad you're keeping her home tomorrow, you can make it ok for her even if it's a long way from ok for you

[pseudonymph]

Wind I've been reading for a while without posting too. Your thread made me cry - you are so brave, and also funny.

I delurked partly to say that I don't know much about addiction per se - I have fucked up my life in highly creative ways that nevertheless don't involve alcohol etc - but I am pretty sure most people lapse when they hit emotionally difficult things, and the important thing is to get back up and running and not beat yourself up about it.

But mainly to say you are at 989 posts, almost the end of the thread, so start a new one and post the link here so we can all follow you and your amazing achievements to fresh fields.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

hiding Sorry to hear you are struggling too, this addiction thing is a real bitch isn't it?

A strategy I try, although admittedly it works more when I'm not mildly upset in a crisis is look at a situation and try and work out how alcohol would make it better.

Sometimes I think it will relax me, I can think better and then I'll solve the problem....the only issue is I can't stop at one so it will relax me to the point where I am comatose and dribbling down my chin..so that's probably. It going to work....

Then I think about how it can give me the courage to stand up for myself and do what I think is right....the only problem is that once I start drink clouds my thinking , what I thought was right and I then do what I want....still not a solution

Then if I drink I'll escape the problem, just for a while....when usually the drink has caused me the problem, it's like something I heard before, trying to put out a fire by pouring petrol over it, seems like a good idea, its liquid, almost like water, but over time it's going to make things worse.

On the fire thing, I think that is one of the few problems that I think alcohol may solve a problem, is to light someone on fire a fire - it's the only time it will actually do some good, that It cannot consume a person from the inside out.

Your daughters starting periods, bit something as a man I really talk about, but it's the whole life cycle thing, drinking, taking drugs etc solve it or make it any better, but it will make it harder to deal with...your girls will need someone with a sober and clear head to make/help them work through it, if you aren't sober with a clear head are you going to ask their dads to do it?

Folks I have no bother giving you my numbers, you can ring me anytime of day or night if thinking of lifting a drink(drug) and I'll try and talk you through it - at any time you can put down the phone and still go ahead with the drink etc.

I'm not an expert in anything useful, but I have had a lot of practise at picking up drink to escape reality, I don't know you and won't know you next week or tomorrow but it may be that I can help for a minute or two during a conversation? If not happy talking to me exchange numbers with other people who may have an idea of what you are going through.

Folks I sincerely hope we find a solution to this and a way to cope....because life is going to keep throwing these problems to us, it's how we deal with them that's going to be the thing that keeps us sane.

[Hidingtonothing]

Feeling shamefaced today, like I don't deserve people's concern just because I'm having a shit time and feeling drawn down a path I know I shouldn't go down. Got a GP appointment later, had meds before to cope with my anxiety so going to try that route in the hope it will make me feel more in control. Should have gone before, my DGM died a couple of weeks ago and I can see now that's where this started, the incident last week just pushed me over the edge. I've still got the funeral and finishing sorting her house to get through and, stupidly because I adored her and miss her so much, hadn't realised how hard I've been finding it all. I'm dreading the funeral, am even considering not going but maybe some meds from the GP will make that feel more doable. I'm sorry Wind for the inappropriate hijack of your thread, you don't need my shit on top of your own struggle.

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

I'm not sure what wind thinks and I cannot speak for her, but I think she has got some strength from this thread and knowing the struggles of others has helped her through a bit. I also know it has helped me a lot.

The problems you are having hide are a bit like alcohol in that they sit and wait, patiently watching until they think you are st your lower and then pounce.

Re the funeral justbthink what dgm would have wanted, you mopping about annoyed and getting yourself stressed or for you to get on with life and be happy eventually. (I never really understood the British thing of a long time before a funeral, in Ireland we generally have people buried in 3 or 4 days - I think getting it sorted quicker helps with the grieving process)

There is a phrase used in AA by a guy I know who wouldn't mind me sharing it....

I alone can do it, but I cannot do it alone....basically what that means is only I can take the steps to get well, but I need other people at the side of me supporting me to take the steps.....

I'm not religious but I said a prayer for both of you today, if there is no God or it is a different God from yours it won't have done you any harm, but if it is the right God who knows ☘️

[WindfallenArch]

I wasn't going to start another thread - it felt overly self indulgent, but I don't feel bad about wanting to know what happens to you hiding or feeling humbled by your support userf, so if nobody minds, I've made Somewhere safe to be. It'll not about me so much, I hope.

[Brankolium]

Hiding if I remember correctly, you left your previous life because it was thrust upon you very suddenly? Ignore the rest of this if I've thought of a different poster!

You haven't been tempted back before now. You've been doing great since then, but then again it is generally pretty easy when temptation isn't tapping at your door. Now you've felt the lure of that old flame, you are in a new position of power:

You get to chose to make that positive choice for your future and for your daughter this time and claim it for you. You get to reject the thing that previously had a hold on you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that temptation makes you a failure and therefore give in. It doesn't. It all depends what you do with it. You are doing great (you too Wind, kudos for tipping it down the drain).

[Hidingtonothing]

Yes that was me Brank and what you've said actually makes a lot of sense. I've spent much of the day analysing what's going on with me and have realised it almost feels as though I'm testing myself. Apart from getting over the initial trauma and upheaval of the break in and house move etc this is the first really stressful period I've been through since I've been clean. I've recognised that I'm stressed and struggling a bit emotionally and it almost feels as though I've deliberately dangled the carrot of using with the FB stalking and thoughts about how it would feel to use to see if I would cave under pressure. And I haven't, I've made a GP appointment instead, I've chosen a different path. That thought is currently blowing my mind a bit.

[FusionChefGeoff]

Oh I can't get the link to work.?

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2771863-Somewhere-safe