Has anyone ever sorted out a completely, utterly, fucked up life?

[WindfallenArch]

I've no job, no friends, a disastrous marriage, no money, family all dead. I have two tween kids who used to make it all worthwhile, but now look at me with contempt and have no interest in being in the same room as me let alone doing something together. I'm a 42 year old fat alcoholic and I'm utterly pointless. I drag myself sadly through each day and I see no joy in anything at all. It hurts in my heart all the time I'm awake.
Has anyone ever sorted themselves out after fucking up everything they touched?

Sorry for the self pity. Today is particularly excruciating.

[Brankolium]

Hi Wind. I'm still here reading your updates but haven't managed to finish any comments of my own over the last few days before being rushed off to something else by my children (and I have started several).

I guess at this point in the day you would previously have been beginning to numb the frustration with wine. Feeling exasperated is ok though. It will pass and make way for more good moments that make it all worth it. Remember this is still the beginning, relatively speaking. There is still much getting better and feeling good to hold out for.

Right there with you on the kitchen bulldozing though. I've had quite enough of endless mess in a tiny space (although I have recently discovered putting the gas hob covers through the dishwasher and would thoroughly recommend it). Send the bulldozer my way when you're done with it!

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

I'll swap places with you Wind???

Haven't been able to get to meetings in a couple of days and prob won't be able to get any for another couple of days so started listening to YouTube videos of shares. I listened to this one today....it made me feel a bit better about what I still have, and made me think of about the relationship (or lack of one) I need to have with my wife

[walkerandtexasranger]

We are in the witching hour here.DH at work. ds screaming at me for over an hour. Completely hysterical. Have a gp appointment next week about his tantrums. I have been crying on the stairs for twenty minutes. The gin on the sideboard is looking at me. How the fuck am I meant to do this? And also 'go fuck the fuck to sleep'!!!!

Keep on keeping on 😑

[WindfallenArch]

Hey walker. I hear you so very loudly. I've found mainlining carbs and very acidic, but very sugary drinks dulls some of it. I'm far better now I've a stomach full of food. Low blood sugar is definitely my thing and a massive whack of grapefruit soda hits the sides of my tongue in the right way and also gives me the boost of calories I've come to rely on in the evening to pick me off the floor.

Your little one is at a lovely age, but I couldn't see it at this time of day when mine were there. I have no idea how to tell you how much I wish I could go back and just sit with the frustration so that I don't have the memories I do. Or the memories they do. The most useful thing I've got out of AA has been the serenity prayer

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

If little one is awake, sit with it if you can. Try not to have the smell of gin be the smell of mummy at bedtime. I'm a quiet, soppy drunk. An overly affectionate, silly, playful drunk. Drunk me was nice to my babies at bedtime rather than tetchy. What the hell does that mean to their psyche? Warm, loving, comfortable, cosy mummy smelled invariably of wine. What the hell that will do to them makes me want to smash my skull as hard as I can into the corner of the coffee table with shame.

Try not to be that person. If I could talk to me when I had a 2 year old I'd do anything to make her understand.

[SomethingPhishy]

You write so well, with such feeling & meaning. I am delurking to wish you well & to add my voice to the many reading your posts & admiring your courage & determination to change.

[WindfallenArch]

Thank you Brank. I owe you so very much. You've relit the pilot ligh over and over.

I'm nearly done with the bulldozer.

[WindfallenArch]

How are you userf? You sound sad. I'm frequently exasperated and anxious and downright furious that I can't switch my head off anymore, but I'm less sad. Nothing is ending for me right now. I drank to deal with all the misery of things ending. I cannot imagine how brave you are being to stop drinking in the kind of maelstrom that sent me there. I could only contemplate stopping because life had hit such a sad dead end. Kudos, friend. You're doing very, very well.

[Bluepowder]

This is such a nice thread to visit. I am already bathed and in bed, having done several new things in the last couple of days. My DD is being read Harry Potter by DH who does all the voices very beautifully.
I'm not giving anything up as I don't smoke or drink, but I am cheering you all on from the sidelines. And being brave in my own way.

[WindfallenArch]

Hi somethingphishy - thank you so much for saying such lovely things. The delurker posts are like little bursts of sherbet to a sad old lush like me. To have spread my sad, irresponsible junk out and still have a kind soul think I'm worth a chance at a thumbs up is humbling and tear jerking. I don't feel qualified or ready to say much to anyone else yet, but I hope I can pay it forward too one day. You lot picked me up out of the gutter. And god knows I'd tried for decades.

[SlipperyJack]

Please would you stop saying you're a "sad old lush"? It's getting on my tits somewhat

How about "brave strong warrior"?

[WindfallenArch]

Evening slippery. Yep. You're right.

[Hidingtonothing]

I prefer 'brave strong warrior' too Wind, much more fitting these days

[marriednotdead]

Hi Wind

Agree, less of the sad old lush! You're younger than me and I am still refusing to be middle aged, no matter how much my knees creak.

Salmonella followed by months on crutches sounds beyond grim so I shall count my blessings and stop whinging, thanks for the reality check. My knee is improving daily and the drugs and physio are helping.

Is there anything constructive you can do with your kitchen rather than anilhilating it? Mine is so minuscule, the fridge freezer is actually in the living/dining room.

Hiding and Pig- boots for the elephant kitten sounds like a plan. Sunday lie in didn't happen- a 3 year old DGS with no volume control put paid to that! Maybe tomorrow once he's for the day, along with the rowdy binmen...

You're doing better than you think Wind, keep scowling on

[marriednotdead]

* once he's gone* for the day.

[marriednotdead]

I give up.

[WindfallenArch]

Hey married :-) Iam /was seriously thinking about getting a kitten.tell me it's pleasingly distracting and diverting?

[userformallyknownasuser1475360]

Hi Wind

I have been sad this past couple of days, in fact I've been sad since I gave up the drink, but I'd say it's because I've started to feel things and have emotions rather than a drunken stupor.

I've started trying to be more positive about things, there is always a positive side to everything, although sometimes it's hard to see - heard in a room one day about a guy who had a massive heart attack and died twice, someone said to him about it not being his best day and he replied he thought it was a great day. - he came back from the dead twice.

The good thing about this situation is that I'm not drinking and there has to be some light at the end of this....the journey will make me stronger and it has to be better than when I was drinking.

[walkerandtexasranger]

Thank you Wind. He is a real handfull. I keep treating him like a problem to solve... but I aren't sure there is an answer as such.
He is defiant and tantrums for hours. He gets upset. I get upset. Ugh.

He calls wine 'mummy's juice' which is just horrendous.

In terms of things you cannot change from the serenity prayer- you can't turn back the clock but you can be a sober mum today which will make you a better mum tomorrow... or the next day.

Day 2 is almost over now...

To anyone who needs to hear it: keep going. Be proud of yourself for trying to change.

[WindfallenArch]

My baby - not even my eldest - my 9 year old just started her periods tonight. She's been breaking my heart for the last 2 months by almost instantaneously withdrawing all the cuddles and giggles and just disappearing into the den to be alone. Poor lamb. I had no idea she'd go first. Her sister is 13 months older than her. My baby.

[Bluepowder]

Kittens are lovely trouble and lots of fun and grow up very fast. Your dd is quite young for periods bless her- might be worth having a quick word with school to check she can change her towel without embarrassment.

[WindfallenArch]

Castasunder thanks for replying. I'm a bit of a mess. I don't know what to feel. She was absolutely horrid to me the day I started this thread. She made me start it in a way. I was so lonely without her. I was used the the older one pulling away slowly, and I was coping up to a point. The little one was still my sunny delight and she just just rejected me out of nowhere. I missed her so much. I don't know how to feel - I have an extremely tangible reason all of a sudden. My baby didn't stop wanting me to cuddle her for no reason.

[WindfallenArch]

Hey blue - I'll keep her off school tomorrow (and I NEVER do that) I want her to know what she's doing and for both of us to know how often she needs to change pads and just to give her some space to know she can deal with it without fear.

[walkerandtexasranger]

Oh gosh that is young. It's a lot to take in at that age- I thinking keeping her off sounds like a great idea.

[Bluepowder]

Yes, sounds like a good idea. Let her teacher know though - they can be quite good at providing very discrete support if necessary.