They want us to pay. I don't think we should.

[girlinacoma]

Background: We have teenage children of our own and we are also guardians for a 17 year old "Ben" (not real name obviously)

Ben has been going out with a girl for the last 12 ish months or so (t's been a bit on and off) but they have known each other for a bit longer than this as were good friends beforehand.

His girlfriend lives with her mum and step dad and they are getting married in January. After the wedding they are planning to go to Mauritius for 2 weeks and Ben's girlfriend will be joining her parents. The issue is that Ben had been invited too.

To begin with, we said no because as much as would have liked him to go, it was a hell of a lot of money. It's not that we couldn't have found the money because that would have been possible but it was not the sort of money we have lying around.

Plus - relationships can be tricky at the best of times (particularly when you're younger) and there was obviously a risk that the relationship would break down prior to the holiday and it would be doubtful we'd get our money back.

However the girlfriends parents came back and told us not to worry because they had intended to pay for everything themselves (his flight, all inclusive package etc) but suggested he should bring some spending money (no problem)

They made it sound as if they really wanted their daughter to have him there as company so that they could enjoy their honeymoon shag-fest

So we agreed and obviously thanked them profusely etc etc as it was an incredibly generous offer.

Well now you can probably guess what has happened - they've split up and things are hideous between them. Nothing amicable what so ever and they are no longer even friends. He's devastated

His ex-girlfriend now wants to invite someone else on holiday with her (not sure if just friend or new boyfriend) and that is obviously fine and non of our business.

But her parents now want to be refunded for the money that they spent for Ben and want us to pay them £2100.00

There is no fucking way we are prepared to do this as the agreement all along was that they would cover all the costs (on their insistence) but they are saying that we have no proof that they had insisted on paying and so we should cough up.

DH's point is that neither have they any evidence that we had agreed to pay so they can get stuffed.

They have now passed 'messages' to Ben at college (via his ex girlfriend) to say that we had agreed to pay and have now changed our minds and that he needs to speak to us and ensure we pay them.

He is now incredibly stressed about it and seems to be believing their version of events and also thinks we should pay.

I've tried so hard to explain to him what has happened but he is just too upset and embarrassed about the whole thing and wants it to go away

He has approx £1500 in an ISA and has said that if we don't pay, he will use that cash and I just want to fucking cry.

This is a boy who has been to hell and back over the last 10 years, I can't even go into the details of what he has been through but 2 years ago I got onto a bus and found him sitting at the back soaked to the skin as he had been wondering about in the rain and sleeping rough for a few nights with the clothes on his back. He had been completely disowned by his parents (complete and utter fucking cutting bastards) and long story short - he ended up living with us.

We managed to support him through his GCSE's and he scraped enough grades to get into college. He has been doing so well but is pretty fragile and now this has happened.

I can't and won't pay this bloody money (DH is now facing a possible redundancy which complicates things and is a massive worry) so I have no problem what so ever 'sticking to my guns' as far as they are concerned.

But what about Ben? I feel as if by refusing to pay I will be destroying everything we have worked so hard to achieve on his behalf (our relationship for one thing as his relationships with most people are quite fragile)

I'm not a push over. I'm a very upfront, confident and outspoken person. I would never allow myself to be blackmailed or intimidated by anyone. I am too old for this shit but I feel utterly stumped.

I literally don't know what to say or think and I'm so angry. I need someone to talk me through this as I'm terrified of ruining everything that this amazing young person has achieved.

We should never have agreed to the holiday but then we couldn't really refuse. He's not our child, we have no legal guardianship for him, he could have just gone anyway if he had wanted to.

I am pissed. As in actually quite drunk. And also pissed.

I'm not even going to spell-check this and can't be arsed with smiley's either. I just want to howl

As Judge Rinder would say, if there's nothing in writing, the agreement isn't legally binding. They have no claim here.
They are heartless grasping bastards and they can jog on.

justaboy
Don't wish to cause any upset but how is it that a lad with his background and all the poor sod has been through that he is getting married at the age of 17 anyway?. Can he really cope with all that and what it entails?

It's the ex-girlfriend's parents getting married, not the 17 yr old.

mamaka

Blimey, MN has some pretty well perfect posters, doesn't it?

girlinanacoma

Well done - you're doing great!

Justaboy, the 17 yr old wasn 't planning on getting married. That's the ex girlfriend's parent and step parent who are tying the knot.

Yep, resist the urge to reply to the other family. It sounds like Ben is worried about it escalating so perhaps ignoring them and playing it down to him would be the best bet, with reassurance from other DC or friend or lawyer/social worker etc if appropriate that this is the right course of action (and that the other family are genuinely in the wrong). At that age it can be hard to know what's 'acceptable' or normal in social/financial situations like these so I guess he wants reassurance that he's not playing any part in pissing off ex-gf's family etc.

justaboy I thought I read the thead, but didn't think Ben was getting married. girlinacoma you owe them nothing, obvs.

Doesn't it only cost something like £20 to change the name on a booking? Why were they paying for daughter to go on their honeymoon anyway? Surely she could have stayed at home at her age?
Sounds like they are chancing seeing what they can get from you. Or new person going just pays for themselves to go, costs covered. They want him to pay for new boyfriend to go free.

Do not offer to pay anything. Id be telling them to stop harassing my family and any more contact esp with Ben on the subject then you will be speaking legal advice and contacting the police about harassment.

Normally I would say go and talk with them but Ben sounds very vulnerable and is being manipulated - I wouldnt stand that for any of my kids, esp one who's an easy target

I would seriously seek advice from Ben's social worker, and ask their view in getting Ben protected by an injunction or something. Maybe his social worker can let him lie that he does not owe the money, morally or otherwise. They have no business harassing him for the money at his age. Seek legal and social worker advice.

Poor lad.

What Blu said. Get the social involved and let them do the work. Am sure they'd love to nip this in the bud, poor kid.

Also, ignore the idiots, apart from replying "it is late, please stop texting. We dispute your claim and our representatives will be in touch in due course."

Eeejits.

Girlinacoma, I've not read all the replies but I agree with other posters that you shouldn't pay these people anything. If someone else us going instead of him a small admin fee will sort this out. They are being totally unreasonable about this, we all know how unstable young relationships can be, a by what you've told us they should realise this. Don't let Ben use his Isa, and also don't stress over the upset this evening with him, speak to him tomorrow and give him your support. I'm really angry just reading this, it must be ten times worse for you. Hope you sort it out, you come across as a very lovely family xx

Firstly I'm drunk too, but for different reasons, so forgive nonsense/misspellings.
Secondly, what blu said.
Thirdly, for some reason (probably aforementioned drink) but this post has made me SO.VERY.ANGRY. And I'm usually very calm, non judgemental, and reasonable. These people are fucking (I don't normally swear either) with a vulnerable child's mind!!! Yes there are reasons why they would have to pay full whack to change a name on a flight/holiday (IE if it was booked at a a budget price with that as a proviso) but so fucking what? There are so many angles to take on this but frankly you don't need to, just do what others have suggested and basically threaten them back with the fact he is a child, a vulnerable CHILD! They can take it further if they like, let them, not a leg to stand on. Your only problem is repairing your relationship with Ben. It sounds like he didn't choose to break up(?) so maybe in his head you are spoiling his chances of reconciling? You may have to accept that you are not best placed to explain reality to him (about these grasping idiots...) is there someone else, slightly removed, who could help do that? And yes, calm down, take the dogs for a walk, step away from the wine, and do apologise. In the morning. Best wishes. You sound amazing btw.

Due to, again, aforementioned drink, the bit about the ISA has only just hit the brain dept. Definitely definitely use this to explain how disturbed you are that they seem to be manipulating a vulnerable minor in to giving them his money. Unless they're completely shameless, that might make them pause for thought.

Of course you shouldn't pay.

They chose to. Now he is not going. It isn't costing them any more. If someone else wants to go, they pay for themselves.

Go on some flights website and look up flights to Mauritius. You will be able to access the T&Cs the airlines and agents offer. There will definitely be something about transfer fees etc. Show it to Ben. Let him see with his own eyes that they are attempting to rob you. Even if it isn't the exact airline and booking they will have made, he will see evidence that they are most likely lying. Maybe he will redirect his anger at that point.

Don't reply to their texts.

I have RTFT but may have missed it if you specified if it was Ben or his GF who broke things off. If it was the GF I would say she is liable for buying him out of the deal ! It really isn't down to him if she has moved the goalposts.

Either way it isn't his payment to make as they offered, I just think if he is the dumpee your argument is a no brainer.

Out of interest, who dumped who?

Poor lad. What utter bastards.

I would tell them "If you insist, we'll see you in court"

Speak to CAB or a solicitor asap.

Just a partially sighted boi now realises he should have gorn orrf to spec savers

They broke their contract to marry you OP ought to get damages for the grief suffered!

Yeah!, and who dumped whom;?.

Re: the parents - "Well ... You must stop harassing Ben who is a minor.We are under no obligation to pay. In case you don't know this, you can change the names on bookings without rebooking so I suggest you do that. It will save you thousands. If you contact Ben again we will be taking legal action."

Re: Ben. Ask him not to take any action until you are able to talk to him. Then ask him what he thinks about this, how he wants to proceed. Point out that they are harassing him and effectively trying to blackmail him, both of which are illegal. What would he do if a friend was being blackmailed and wanted to throw away their life savings to get the blackmailer off their back?

Let Ben have his say, and try to use questions and discussions to nudge his thinking, rather than telling him what to do. You know him best - how would he feel if you told him you'd be willing to get legal advice to make these people go away as they are so far in the wrong.

First of say sorry to Ben once your sober.
Next thing can you get him to block the parents number and his ex's number on his phone so they can stop getting on at him.
After that I'd contact the parents and tell them that they need to stop harrasing a child(which by law he is as he's under 18)that or you'll inform the Police and you'll contact your solicitor!

Do you have any text messages,voice mail,emails,message on social media,notes anything at all where they've said that they'd pay,it doesn't matter if it was adressed to you,Ben or your DH it's all proof.

cafenoir I love you for quoting Judge Rinder And the advice is bang on the money

if I were the girls parent, whatever the cost to myself, I would just 'suck it up'. I would hold myself fully responsible for the consequences of my actions, but that's just the way I am.

THEY made a decision with rose tinted pre wedding specs on to pay for Ben to go. Any parent taking someone else's child away with them, will know how easy 'kids' can fall out, before/during/after.

You owe them nothing OP...they are awful individuals and the only positive is that 'Ben' is no longer with their daughter..he has had a lucky escape!

Good luck..and keep us posted

Definitely get legal advice. A strongly worded solicitors letter with a threat of going to the police if harassment continues should help.

Another thought when you're speaking to Ben is to quantify in time /other things how much their demand is. My teenagers have no real concept of money so when my kids say after I've taken all their mates out for food because they're all starving oooo that was cheap, I'll sometimes say yes it wasn't bad but I had to work an hour and a half to pay for that or yes but we could have bought a third of those trainers you wanted.
It's not about me being saintly or wanting gratitude it's just until they start working for themselves they don't understand ... Bank of mum and dad has loads of money!