They want us to pay. I don't think we should.

[girlinacoma]

Background: We have teenage children of our own and we are also guardians for a 17 year old "Ben" (not real name obviously)

Ben has been going out with a girl for the last 12 ish months or so (t's been a bit on and off) but they have known each other for a bit longer than this as were good friends beforehand.

His girlfriend lives with her mum and step dad and they are getting married in January. After the wedding they are planning to go to Mauritius for 2 weeks and Ben's girlfriend will be joining her parents. The issue is that Ben had been invited too.

To begin with, we said no because as much as would have liked him to go, it was a hell of a lot of money. It's not that we couldn't have found the money because that would have been possible but it was not the sort of money we have lying around.

Plus - relationships can be tricky at the best of times (particularly when you're younger) and there was obviously a risk that the relationship would break down prior to the holiday and it would be doubtful we'd get our money back.

However the girlfriends parents came back and told us not to worry because they had intended to pay for everything themselves (his flight, all inclusive package etc) but suggested he should bring some spending money (no problem)

They made it sound as if they really wanted their daughter to have him there as company so that they could enjoy their honeymoon shag-fest

So we agreed and obviously thanked them profusely etc etc as it was an incredibly generous offer.

Well now you can probably guess what has happened - they've split up and things are hideous between them. Nothing amicable what so ever and they are no longer even friends. He's devastated

His ex-girlfriend now wants to invite someone else on holiday with her (not sure if just friend or new boyfriend) and that is obviously fine and non of our business.

But her parents now want to be refunded for the money that they spent for Ben and want us to pay them £2100.00

There is no fucking way we are prepared to do this as the agreement all along was that they would cover all the costs (on their insistence) but they are saying that we have no proof that they had insisted on paying and so we should cough up.

DH's point is that neither have they any evidence that we had agreed to pay so they can get stuffed.

They have now passed 'messages' to Ben at college (via his ex girlfriend) to say that we had agreed to pay and have now changed our minds and that he needs to speak to us and ensure we pay them.

He is now incredibly stressed about it and seems to be believing their version of events and also thinks we should pay.

I've tried so hard to explain to him what has happened but he is just too upset and embarrassed about the whole thing and wants it to go away

He has approx £1500 in an ISA and has said that if we don't pay, he will use that cash and I just want to fucking cry.

This is a boy who has been to hell and back over the last 10 years, I can't even go into the details of what he has been through but 2 years ago I got onto a bus and found him sitting at the back soaked to the skin as he had been wondering about in the rain and sleeping rough for a few nights with the clothes on his back. He had been completely disowned by his parents (complete and utter fucking cutting bastards) and long story short - he ended up living with us.

We managed to support him through his GCSE's and he scraped enough grades to get into college. He has been doing so well but is pretty fragile and now this has happened.

I can't and won't pay this bloody money (DH is now facing a possible redundancy which complicates things and is a massive worry) so I have no problem what so ever 'sticking to my guns' as far as they are concerned.

But what about Ben? I feel as if by refusing to pay I will be destroying everything we have worked so hard to achieve on his behalf (our relationship for one thing as his relationships with most people are quite fragile)

I'm not a push over. I'm a very upfront, confident and outspoken person. I would never allow myself to be blackmailed or intimidated by anyone. I am too old for this shit but I feel utterly stumped.

I literally don't know what to say or think and I'm so angry. I need someone to talk me through this as I'm terrified of ruining everything that this amazing young person has achieved.

We should never have agreed to the holiday but then we couldn't really refuse. He's not our child, we have no legal guardianship for him, he could have just gone anyway if he had wanted to.

I am pissed. As in actually quite drunk. And also pissed.

I'm not even going to spell-check this and can't be arsed with smiley's either. I just want to howl

They may be able to get a partial refund, or to pay a fee to get the names changed.
How was the trip agreed between you all, are there emails or texts with their offer, plans etc.

Do you or they have any insurance that might cover part of the costs?

What a lovely family you are, and what an amazing thing for you to do for Ben. In order to placate everyone, is there any way that you could pay for the name on the ticket to be changed.. After they have provided proof of the cost. And well done Ben for having his ISA. You are obviously doing a great job 💐

You shouldn't pay. Nor should he.

This is such an awkward situation, I really feel for you. It's such a difficult balance between not giving in to these grasping people but not damaging your relationship with Ben.

OP not sure if anyone else has asked as I haven't RTFT apologies but have you actually had contact direct from his ex's parents, I can't tell from your original post I know you said they've sent messages via the daughter to Ben because if not are you sure it's not the ex trying to pull a fast one & get the money knowing he has this ISA money?? May be totally wrong but I'm a suspicious & untrusting type

Im another wondering if this is really the parents, or Bens ex having a very spiteful pop at him.

It doesn't make sense, they would know they can transfer a ticket for a small cost, unless they are complete morons, they would also know that you would know that too, or would find out very easily.

Sounds more like the sort of thing a kid would come up with to me

Who is the most miserable and grumpy out of you and DH? Go round to the chancers' house and tell them you are happy to pay but you / DH will be taking up the opportunity of a lovely holiday with them and you want to plan the itinerary together. Say ideally you'd like to share their room as you don't like to sleep alone.

I would definitely contact the ISA provider and see if you can prevent withdrawals as he's under duress (not sure if you're legal guardians)

Of course you're not liable, legally or morally. And of course they can just change the name. No idea what they're being such cunts.

It's upsetting but you and Ben have said things in the heat of the moment that you don't mean. Stress and worry (plus wine!) is a head fuck.
It will look better in the cold light of the morning. It might help if Ben goes out and discusses it with his friends. Teens seem to respect their peers opinions and he might take their views on board? I can't understand how he thinks he owes them money when they offered to pay? Surely he can see that logic?

Hope you're ok.

Threaten them with Judge Rinder, you will win hands down, no written agreement and it will show 'Ben' that you were right.
Write to him, show them the reply😂😂
Ben might also have been questioned by the girls friends, no one wants to be thought of as in the wrong.
By the way, who broke with whom, coz if it was her then she should pay up!
Go chat with the parents, agree to something, if they can afford Mauritius, they are not short of money.
Good luck, I think you are a kind, wonderful person to take Ben in, tipsy or not😂😂

It is definitely them asking for the money, they have been in contact with myself and Ben directly in the past although only via text. The messages via ex girlfriend are a recent escalation (that's not even how you spell it, is it )

I will ask for confirmation of the booking - good advice. At least then I can try figure out how much they will have to pay to change the booking. It wasn't a package deal though from what I can gather - does that matter? Everything was booked and paid for separately.

So I don't know if they'd get refunds or have to pay again - no idea.

I think getting legal advice might be good too. I don't feel I need it myself as I have no intention of paying (I might have already mentioned that a few times ) and pretty sure they don't have a leg to stand on in that regard. BUT if Ben could sit in on conversation with me with either solicitor or police then might help him to see this for what it is.

We are not wealthy by any means but pretty comfortably off and he has this way of thinking that well off people have only got that way by being selfish and ruthless (this is because of his upbringing I imagine).

Be back in two ticks. Need a wee.

I would LOVE to meet Judge Rinder though

Surely new friend/boyfriend or whoever his ex bring should pay cost? Yanbu you shouldnt have to pay for it. Very awkward but you shouldn't pay.

I'm slightly frustrated that the OP has made it clear that she can face down the cunts parents, but the problem is Ben wanting to spend the money and resenting being told he can't.
What you need, girlinacoma is back-up, isn't it? Someone independent and well-informed who can confirm that what you are telling him is legally pukka, morally justifiable and blimmin good sense. He is not listening to you but he is 17 so there's not much you can do about that except find a wing-person to say the same thing in a different way.
Do you have a friend who can do it?
Alternatively, you could go to a law centre or CAB with him to take it through, but a tame and obliging friend would be better.
(And don't worry: you'll be sober in no time! )

I suspect it is the ex-gf who is pressuring Ben to make Ben to make him feel bad.

I think you do need to speak to the parents...they may well be quite reasonable and tell you they have transferred names on the ticket.

I totally get why you said what you did to Ben. Apologise tomorrow and tell him you've sorted the situation and he's not to speak to the ex-gf about it again, as as far as her agents are concerned the matter is closed. Sometimes white lies are the way to go.

You may be able to get some good free advice from Citizens Advice Bureau. Probably also worth speaking to 101 (non-emergency police) and logging the harassment. However, Judge Rinder is the best idea. Please let us know when it's on - I would absolutely love to watch him ripping them apart!

Omg,that's just awful....in yr shoes I would send through the post a letter,carefully worded ,saying how you only agreed to holiday because gf parents were paying..and you made it clear you couldn't afford the holiday all the way along.spell out you and Ben are in no way responsible for any monies as even if he had gone you weren't responsible for the money..say you are sorry their relationship has ended she could always ask a friend instead,and wish them a nice trip....end the letter with ,we really hope we don't have to contact a solicitor ,but won't hesitate to ,if you continue to Harras us

What does the £2100 cover? Just the flight or accommodation too?

Frankly, if they want him to pay, they should expect him to still use the ticket. Obviously not attend the wedding etc but why should he pay AND not get the trip?

I think he shouldn't pay, BTW, but worth thinking about as they probably wouldn't want him to pay and go along!

If booking is for January then it can be amended for an admin fee. Possibly around £100. Ask them who the booked with, fun out how much admin fee is and as an offer of goodwill offer them that money.

I can help if you find with your operator. PM me

sparkletastic tricky choice between me and DH. He is very fidgety and farts like bloated cow so I think I'd volunteer him for that. Great idea though.

I am drunk on less than half bottle of wine, I'm fucking pathetic. Cant even do 'angry drunk' with conviction.

The ISA is in his name but it's connected to our bank account - like a deposit account if that makes sense. We make contributions into all of them for birthdays and christmas etc. Our eldest two are 20 now and both have access to them but Ben and our other two boys don't have access to theirs.

Neither do we though, we put bits in but don't think we have access to them to take money out. Not that I would and I'm loathe to threaten to withhold it from him.

My lovely friend has just popped round with more wine and chocolate but has suggested I may need something more substantial in the form of a curry .

I can't stop crying but they are very very angry hot tears and I need another jeffing wee!!!!!!

You are all so lovely thank you.

Just to clarify, he absolutely does not want to go on this trip now. Things between him and ex are awful and he was very hurt by the breakup.

He wants to dip into his ISA to pay them off.

You sound a lovely family.

I do think you should meet with the exs parents- just the adults, to try to talk about it and to explain that this whole thing is deeply effecting Ben.

If they won't see sense I would tell them you are seeking legal advice to stop harrassment of Ben.

Thank you BakeOff, It's so frustrating but you're right and I think we have come to that.

I would prefer to wait until DH is back though as he is much calmer than me and would handle it so much better than I ever could. I would just resort to insults

Surely since no under 18 can enter into a legal contract, he cannot be held accountable?

There's every likelihood that at this stage they've only paid a deposit, which would be non-refundable in the event of cancellation. Tour operators' cancellation charges increase the closer you get to the date of departure, so time could be of the essence here to keep costs down. They may well have the option of doing a name change at a cost, too. Would you be willing to pay the cost of deposit or name change in order to keep Ben's conscience clear?

The only trouble is, someone needs to find out exactly what the terms and conditions they've agreed to with the tour operator/travel provider, and it sounds as though they're not the most reasonable of people.

Legally they are the ones who have made a financial commitment to these travel arrangements, so you could stand firm in your determination not to contribute at all (and I'd be doing exactly the same thing).

Glad you have a friend there. You spelt "escalation" correctly, no worries on the spelling front.