DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

[confused0086]

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

Are you sure he's not able to read this ? Please post when you get back to the UK. Not if, but when.

Could you be 'allergic' to cats?
That way you would need to leave the house as soon as he got back with it??

Im looking at flights. I want to talk to him though. I don't want this at all. But I'm not going to be like my mum. He does go out a lot. He'll be working next month. we agreed that he should have a couple of months off after his last job ended because he'd been working 6 days a week for so long and was always tired. I just tried phoning my Auntie but no answer. Is it strange that he's gone out today? If I'd massively fucked up I don't think I'd bugger off out all day with my friends and then buy a kitten, ludicrous grand gesture

I want to talk to him though.

DON'T threaten to leave if he doesn't change. You'll just put him on his guard.

Honestly, what's he going to say? He might promise you the moon on the stick, he's doesn't want to be like that, he'll be better from now on etc etc. Doesn't mean he's any more likely to stop abusing you.

Talk to him about what, what happened to you? He does not want to hear what you have to say to him, you to him are a non person and you are seen by his as his chattel to use as he sees fit. He has no respect for you whatsoever, such men hate women; all of them.

History has already repeated itself here by you marrying such a man, you grew up in a violent household. Your parents between them taught you an awful lot of damaging lessons.

Do not just look at flights, book one back to the UK asap.

I used to smoke and my then boyfriend (now husband) hated it and disapproved. Really hated it. But he would never ever have grabbed my arm like that or hurt me. In the end I stopped and his dislike was part of the reason but it was my choice.

I hope you're ok.

You can talk once you are somewhere safe but your priority now has to be making sure you are safe.

Oh dear god!!!
Please don't give him the head up that you are trying to leave.
That's the most dangerous time for abuse victims.
This is when they end up in body bags.
Why are you trying to salvage this?
He's a controlling abusive arsehole!
He massively controls you.
He's isolated you.
You can't even leave the house without him by the sounds of it.
That is all you need to know.
Really it is.
He will promise you the moon on a stick.
He will be 'good' for a few months probably.
But guess what??
When you are pregnant the abuse will ramp up hugely.
You will then feel even more trapped and unable to leave.
Please do NOT put yourself through this.
Just get away and do it fast.
Don't give him any reason to think things are different until you are well away.
Even then, don't tell him. Cut all contact and move one.
Seriously - don't do this!!!!

The kitten just shows how little he regards your thoughts and feelings, really. Even if he had bought it with his own money, he really will believe that you are so shallow that fwuffy kittens and other gifts will appease you and demonstrate his benevolance to you and how lucky you are to have such a thoughtful husband. With that belief pattern, no amount of talking to him is going to get across that you are his equal partner, to be treated with respect. It might make him twitchy, though, if he suspects you're not the surrendered pushover he had hoped for, and that is likely to prompt him to ramp up the control and abuse, in the hope that you behave yourself.

You are extremely vulnerable right now.

Get yourself to where you are safe.

Then you can decide what you need to say to him.

For now give him no clue of your feelings.

Act as if everything is normal and leave at the earluest opportunity.

And on top of it all, he doesn't let you take the bus.

You are a 26 year old adult and you can take whatever fucking bus you like, lovey.

Dressing it up as concern for you because the bus is dirty?! No, he knows that saying "I am in charge, I forbid you to take the bus" will show him for what he is. So he pretends it's because the bus is dirty.

Pack up and come home. For what it's worth, I've met several people with short marriages - no-one bats an eyelid. I have a friend who has been married 20 years and quite enjoys dropping in the fact she had a short lived marriage previously, because it surprises people who don't know. Only surprise though - no-one judges.

I don't think I am trying to salvage it. I just need to know that leaving is the right thing to do because right now it still feels crazy. Even though I already know its the right thing. And now I sound crazy!

Leaving is the right thing to do.

We actually discussed getting a cat before and then decided not to because there isn't a vet here

OK, you want to talk to him. You don't want to be like your mum. Why do you want to talk to him before you go? What outcome do you seek?

Maybe you hope he will say the right words so you can believe it was a one off and stay. I bet your mum did this a lot.

Maybe you want him to say the wrong things so you can feel completely justified in leaving.

Maybe you want him to recognise that he did a terrible thing and accept tearfully that it is right and good that you are leaving.

He managed to make you feel guilty with the kitten. That shows your head isn't in the right place. The kitten should have made you very fucking angry indeed.

I agree that you should talk. But not now. Wait until you've both had a little time apart, preferably with you back in the UK re-absorbing your own cultural norms.

He has fucked off out of the house to see his mates and buy a shackle kitten for you. You would be quite reasonable to leave for your aunties / UK while he is out, leaving a little note saying you need time to think, you are sure he must too, you will talk when you've had a think. He'll have the kitten for company and all his mates.

I know you don't feel that you are in danger but think about what happened earlier with the cigarette. Leaving is an even bigger challenge to his supremacy.

I'm so sorry but this will not get better it will get worse! He is violent, please get out now! You are not to blame and you have done nothing wrong! Please think of yourself and just get out!

He has bought the kitten to keep you there.
if you tell him you are going, then he will claim that the kitten will suffer.
The kitten is his problem not yours.
You might suffer some harm too, by the sound of things.
Get your passport, your stuff and leave.
Go to the airport and wait for the next available flight.

These mates he has gone out all day with. Are they locals? Lived forever in this patriarchal traditional place?

Do you think they are giving him advice on how to be a more feminist western-style modern husband?

Do you think they are telling him he behaved appallingly?

Do you think they are telling him that you were completely within your rights to disobey his direct command?

What advice do you think they are giving him on how to handle you?

He might be feeling very good that he isn't like them, you know that he got you a kitten, instead of giving you a proper slap. He might not react well to you not appreciating what a wonderful human being he is.

I left a controlling husband myself (after 17 months of marriage and a baby - should have done it sooner).

When you need to take action, sometimes the best thing to do is put yourself into robot mode - do what you need to do, and let your feelings catch up. Seriously, you can take all the time you need to mourn your hopes and dreams and the man you thought you married, but the time to do that is when you are safely out of it. Do what your head is telling you now and let your heart catch up later.

People won't judge you for a short marriage. Fuck 'em if they do. Talk with a swagger about your "starter marriage".

We actually discussed getting a cat before and then decided not to because there isn't a vet here

Yet he is quite happy to get you upduffed without any access to medical care for you.

I just need to know that leaving is the right thing to do because right now it still feels crazy.

Which is more crazy?

Leaving a short marriage to a man you didn't know well who has become abusive and violent?

Staying in Africa, where yiu were not born or raised, l far from all of your family and friends, unable to drive, not allowed to take the bus, with no access to contraception, in a place where you have trouble communicating, with a man you have only started to get to know properly in the last few months, who is controlling your every move, who is openly misogynistic, who has just escalated to violence.

Because to me only one of thoe options ends with a high probability of you being dead.

Please OP for the love of God. DON'T TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS. He's a violent criminal. Think about it... if a stranger assaulted you in the street... would you "have a chat" with them about how you need to run away from them????

This is how women get killed by their partners. They sit them down "for a chat" to basically ask permission to leave them... and their partners twig to what's in the works. And they beat or strangle them until they are dead.

Please. I am begging you not to talk to him about this. You are in an emergency situation. You are in the thrall of a criminal. You have to GO.

RunRabbit My mum did do it a lot. And I'd sit there thinking wtf are you doing, you know he'll do it again.

I am going to leave. I don't want my marriage to be over but if it can be fixed it won't happen here. I spoke to my auntie, she said I'm being silly. So I'll come up with a plan B. I can't leave here tonight, it's too late now.

could someone at home in the UK send you something?

That's what I wondered Furry A cap/diaphragm or something and some spermicidal jelly.

Your auntie thinks you are silly, but wouod she turn you away?