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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

311 replies

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 10:49

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

OP posts:
USbound · 16/09/2016 12:07

Tell him you need 3 months of folic acid before you get pregnant so to have a healthy baby, so you need to not get pregnant for 3 months.

paranormalish · 16/09/2016 12:08

Good luck.

I concur with the advice to avoid pregnancy at all costs.

StVincent · 16/09/2016 12:12

"We were supposed to live in my parents home city but have ended up in his which is much more traditional."

Oh, I wonder how and why that happened? :(

He doesn't love you as a person, he loves you as a property. You deserve more than that.

You know what will really upset your perfectionist tendency? Waking up in a couple of years to a life with little kids, no access to basic services, and a husband who hurts you if you ever step out of line. Hiding bruises from your toddlers. Horrible to say but you've been there, you know it's true.

You can get out of there now with nothing but your dignity hurt.

Mrdarcyswife · 16/09/2016 12:15

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Please do get away. There is some excellent advice on this thread

I'm another who believes this is just the start of what he might be like and I have knowledge of what it is like to be afraid of a partner (he never hurt me, but fear controlled me for many years and the relief of being away is life changing).

KurriKurri · 16/09/2016 12:18

Please please get out of this situation. You are isolated from facilities and from your family friends and home country - he has engineered this. Isolation and dependency are key factors for an abusive controller.
You have been married only months and he has physically attacked you.

This will not get better it will get much much worse.Insidiously, bit by bit.

Please get out by any means you can, and don't for God's sake let him know you are planning to leave, get all your essentials together where you can grab them, and when the opportunity comes escape.

BeMorePanda · 16/09/2016 12:20

Run for the hills asap - get out of there asap for all the reasons above.
All you have detailed that is going on plus your isolation, not driving etc -

Get out of there - he won't change - this is just the beginning.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/09/2016 12:20

The more you write the worse it sounds.
This will NOT improve.
When you are 'barefoot and pregnant' he will step it up big time.
Do NOT bring an innocent baby into this situation.
Get out and do it fast.
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
It must be a shock.
Look after yourself!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/09/2016 12:24

"Is there any way this is fixable? I don't want my marriage to be over"

No this is not fixable because such men hate women, all of them. His actions over you are about power and control; this is what abuse is all about really. Its not due to a lack of communication.

It is already over. The relationship was already over before you married him; he was trying to control you prior to marriage.

ALaughAMinute · 16/09/2016 12:29

It will only get worse. Abuse and control tends to esculate over time. Take it from someone who knows. Get out now.

Luvjubs · 16/09/2016 12:30

Yes he'll do that again

RiceCrispieTreats · 16/09/2016 12:34

I don't want my lovely husband to actually be a bastard.

Nobody wants that. And yet it happens to some of us. Nor is he a cartoon villain: nobody is all bad, and your lovely husband does have his good traits, as all abusers do. He can have lovely traits, and still be unacceptable as a husband and partner.

I've got my passport, I just hid it. Yes I would leave.

I am very glad to hear this.

VestalVirgin · 16/09/2016 12:43

Tell him "after last night I'm not happy about us trying for a baby, please take me to the chemist, when things are better we can start trying again"

No. Don't tell him.
It is pretty clear now that he is an abuser, and if he notices that you have doubts, that you don't want to get pregnant, that you may want to leave, he will try to prevent you from doing so.

"I need nicotine chewing gum to stop smoking, and I can't get pregnant before I'm three months without cigarettes" would be better. And then get contraception while allegedly shopping for nicotine chewing gum, or whatever.

WhereAreWeNow · 16/09/2016 12:48

Please leave OP. I don't know where you are but I really worry for you. It sounds like you're in an incredibly dangerous situation.

As others have said, he will not change. He's shown you his true colours. Be thankful that you've found out now, rather than after you've had a baby with him. Do whatever you can to avoid getting pregnant. Can you claim thrush? Cystitis? Do you have a British passport and do you have money to get back to UK?

Please, please gather up all of your courage and get yourself out of this situation while you can Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/09/2016 13:04

It is much less embarrassing if you do the right thing now.

It is also an easier narrative to tell everyone you need to tell.

"OMFG, he showed his true colours as soon as he got me living in a traditional city. I am so upset. He kept it hidden when we were in LDR and in the UK, but as soon as we were there, well, oh my god, I almost couldn't believe it was happening. Thank God I wasn't pregnant."

PatriciaHolm · 16/09/2016 13:11

You haven't made a mistake. I think you've been deliberately deceived. Pretty easy to do, if you don't see each other much; anyone can put on a face for a short period of time until you're shackled.

He wants a slave who'll do the right thing, make him look like the boss in front of his friends and family, and pop out some babies so he looks like a real man.

Get out while you can, because it's only going to get harder.

nilbyname · 16/09/2016 13:16

Run as fast and far away as you can.

This is the beginning.

when someone shows you who you really are, believe them

nilbyname · 16/09/2016 13:17

They really are**. They ffs Blush

user1471544305 · 16/09/2016 13:17

He is a controlling pig. It will escalate.

InTheseFlipFlops · 16/09/2016 13:18

vestalvirgin my reason for suggesting that was when my abuser started, i needed to buy myself time to make him realise
a) its not ok
b) also buy time to process what had happened.
The first time for me was like my world was a snow globe and someone had shaken it. as much as the op does need to leave him now he's shown his colours, for some you just need to buy time until your ready.

BlueLeopard · 16/09/2016 13:19

Can you buy yourself some time before fleeing?

Do a turnaround, tell him you want to quit the cigarettes, you want to be a healthy mother, but go on a nicotine replacement programme, and that it would be better to not have the nicotine in your bloodstream while TTC? That you also need to take 3 months folic acid before you get pregnant for a healthier pregnancy?

If he thinks that, then it could give you a few weeks to look into arrangements to leave, gather money together and book a flight.

You say you are a perfectionist. Then you'll want the most perfect childhood for you future children, the perfect home life. You will never have this with him.

DoinItFine · 16/09/2016 13:21

You haven't made a mistake. I think you've been deliberately deceived.

This.

Can you say what country you are in? (Please don't say Pakistan).

VestalVirgin · 16/09/2016 13:26

The first time for me was like my world was a snow globe and someone had shaken it. as much as the op does need to leave him now he's shown his colours, for some you just need to buy time until your ready.

I agree with buying time, and I totally think she should NOT get pregnant by him.
I just don't think trying to make him realise it is not okay is useful.
He could be the kind of abuser who apologizes and behaves better for a while, but he could also be the kind of abuser who gets more controlling when he realizes that she noticed that he's an asshole and wants to leave.

That's why I think it is safer to get contraception without him noticing. Or give a reason for not wanting to try for a baby (smoking, folic acid, whatever) that has nothing to do with his behaviour, and is no hint that she will leave.

Lorelei76 · 16/09/2016 13:31

blue, that's a good idea in a way but I am a bit concerned that the longer she stays with him, the more he will be violent and certainly he's likely to use that time to take her passport and try to take money.

If it's the case that the OP is young I'm wondering if the British consulate in that country would be able to help her.

Allatseainthemidlands · 16/09/2016 13:33

You can't drive
You can't get contraception
You have to work while he doesn't
You have to give up smoking while he doesn't
He thinks he's allowed to hit you
You're miles away from your family.
OP please, please, leave now. Whatever you leave behind in terms of pride/embarrassment/money/possessions will be a small price to pay for being free of a controlling, abusive, violent man.
Stay strong, stay focused, get out of there.

Lottapianos · 16/09/2016 13:33

'You haven't made a mistake. I think you've been deliberately deceived.'

Completely agree

OP, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. If a friend of mine ended her marriage after 3 months for the reasons you have just described, I would be bowled over by her strength and courage and would want to help her in any way I could.

You don't drive, you are miles away from everything, you can't access healthcare without his permission and you are being ordered to stop smoking by the man you live with. You are a grown adult, you can't live like this any longer!

I had a violent partner years ago and I agree with everyone else - they never ever get better. The situation just gets worse and worse. Absolutely nobody will tell you any different on here. You are worth so much more than this. Get yourself back to the UK where you will be safe and in charge of your own body and your own healthcare