DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

[confused0086]

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!*

No, you absolutely do NOT need to. You are an adult and get to make your own decisions. So does your husband. Nobody gets to tell you what to do - that's abusive.

Is he controlling in other ways??
He sounds very illogical:

He wants you to stop smoking
He's changed his mind and won't stop
He wants you to buy the cigarettes??

This will only get worse, OP. And please, if you have sex with him, USE CONTRACEPTION. Please don't get pregnant with him.

Would he let you go shopping separately & meet up later after you've been to the pharmacy ?

Could you "become ill" & see a doctor by yourself?

Could you buy contraception online? You oughtn't to be buying contraceptive pills without medical or pharmaceutical supervision but even spermicidal gel would be better than nothing. Taking the morning after pill is pretty safe. - could someone at home in the UK send you something?

You need to get out.

I don't want my lovely husband to actually be a bastard.

I don't want my best jeans to be too tight because I'm half a stone overweight. Unfortunately the reality is that I have a muffin top. It's there even if I refuse to look in the mirror and try to ignore the tight feeling round my waist.

I wonder how many times your mum said that to herself about your dad? I wonder how many hours she spent thinking about how she could fix the situation?

Has he apologised for suggesting that you should give up smoking? Has he apologised for suggesting that you should be how he thinks a wife should be?

The very fact he expects you to quit without having to himself is enough reason , but physically harming you is a deal breaker.

He's controlling you and he has physically attacked you.

2 things:

• The telling you not to smoke (even though he's allowed to) and that he doesn't want a wife that smokes is a red flag as it shows that he thinks you're a possession and he wants to control you.
• The fact he physically attacked you resulted in him showing you who he is. There's a saying: when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. By staying with him now, you've given him opportunity to show you who he is again. He's not the person you think he is, and why risk him letting him show you who he truly is umpteen times in the future when you could believe him this first time. Don't let him think that you can forgive this type of behaviour; you need to show him that physically hurting you or any woman is never acceptable and leave him. Please don't let him do this to you again :(

Even if he doesn't do anything again (which I doubt tbh from the behaviour he's displaying), will you honestly be able to trust him again after he really hurt you?

Also, I advise googling red flags in relationships, so you can find list of warning signs and try to think to moments in your relationship where might have displayed those signs. This will give you yet another indication of the real type of person you're with, not the one he's been pretending to be up until now.

I have a british passport. If I can find a cheap flight I can get back. Here is not all bad, its a lovely country but has its problems like any other. We were supposed to live in my parents home city but have ended up in his which is much more traditional. I'm just totally blindsided by this. I am embarrassed, I'm a total perfectionist and really thought he was the most wonderful to ever happen to me. I don't like to make mistakes. I need to get out the house for a bit, my heads all over the place. I need to think about what to do next.

I'm a believer in second chances in life but he's had his two and has showed his true colours.

Get out. Don't stay married and controlled out of embarrassment.

Don't feel embarrassed - they are always charming to begin with

I always think a person who is being abused should leave the relationship BUT don't do so quickly on a whim. Plan your escape - don't leave with just the clothes on your back. Plan it properly and make sure you don't get pregnant beforehand or you may feel trapped and a baby won't cure this.

Try to find out if there were any clues to his subsequent behaviour so that you can avoid them in future. Good luck,

I don't know where you are (sorry if I've missed that) but if you have a child with him and then split up, theres a good chance you won't be able to come back as you will need his permission to come back to the UK with your child. So you could be stuck there with your child growing up as a resident of x country.
Don't have a baby, even if your not ready to go now and need some time to think. Tell him "after last night I'm not happy about us trying for a baby, please take me to the chemist, when things are better we can start trying again"
Or could you get a cab?

Fuck him right off xx

YOU haven't made a mistake, he has.

The mistake would be to stay and hope the problem would go away.

Leaving a marriage which has red flags all over it is NOT a mistake. It's what a wise woman does.

It's more embarrassing to stay with an abusive tit than to end your marriage after three months. That's not embarrassing, it's strong and admirable xxx

Was it you who was keen to live miles from anywhere, in a place where only he has transport, or you?

As others have said, he knows you were groomed by your father's violence to think violence is what happens in the home.

He thinks you're his perfect victim :(

Please show him you aren't.

will your parents help you come back here? If you don't drive I'm guessing you need a lift to the airport?

could you pack your bags, say you must visit your parents for some urgent family thing, and then come back here?

as for not liking to make mistakes - get rid of him, come back here, that's not a mistake.

mind if I ask how old you are?

Your perfectionism will keep you in abusive relationship if you let it

Perfectionists don't like to think they have made a mistake. It feels bad. But the worst thing you could do is compound that mistake by staying until you are pregnant and trapped.

I'm sorry but it doesn't bode well. These are all alarm bells for me:

he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore
He is TELLING you that you can't smoke whilst REFUSING to quit himself. He wants to control your behaviour but refuses to change his own.

He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it.
He has PHYSICALLY assaulted you because you didn't do as he says.

We aren't using contraception he wants a baby asap. That's why I joined mumsnet because I don't know anything about babies.
It concerns me that there is no mention of WE want a baby, just HE wants a baby. A baby will tie you to your house even more as especially if he refuses to help you will be stuck in all the time with the baby.

I don't have access to a doctor, contraception etc. Contraception here is from the pharmacy and I would have to get him to take me, its miles away and I don't drive. I don't want to have sex with him now anyways. I do have my own money, I work online
This reads as if you are very isolated even now. If something as basic as a pharmacy is miles away and you can't drive are you able to access anything? Buses? Friends houses? Families houses? Shops?

The fact you work online means he can spend the money you earn quite happily whilst still keeping you in the house.

You also mention that you weren't brought up in the country you live in. Do you have friends there at all? Any kind of support?

I am actually concerned that this man has kept his true colours to himself due to the long distance of your relationship then as soon as you have the ring on your finger he has moved you somewhere in which you are isolated from support, tried to get you pregnant, tried to control you and physically assaulted you.

Beware thinking things like "I'm a perfectionist", "I don't like admitting I've made mistakes..." Please google the sunk costs fallacy. Really, you need to readjust your thought processes towards "the person who never made a mistake never made anything." Do not stay out of pride or the fear of admitting you made a mistake. See going home as a positive thing - you had the intelligence to see a bad situation for what it was and the strength and decisiveness to get the hell out of it.

Sadly op take it from somebody who knows it's just the beginning if you feel uncomfortable now and you stay hoping it will change then this will seem like nothing! Trust me please compared to the life you'de have to come. He see's your lighting up as you've defied him cultural beliefs religious beliefs whatever, it doesn't matter! to any controlling aggressive personality it's all the same you must do as you are told. That's what he thinks, and grabbing your wrist is the begining I can't stress enough you will not change him he will never truly be sorry his apology is a way of controlling you so that he can continue to do as he feels.
In the end you will get stuck in a min'd cycle of blaming yourself, feeling on edge that you don't want to upset him then over time before you know it you will be forever trapped in this yes sir no sir mentality. It weakens you as a person changes your logic 'you know this as you say you've seen it with your father.

Please as hard as it may be go while you can, think of it as a lucky escape a very lucky escape. Only being married for 3 months is great! Try doing 18years now that is stupid so no you've nothing to worry about there in fact you should be proud you've been sensible enough to see it early and brave enough to get right out!

Listen carefully.

STAYING would be THE BIGGEST MISTAKE of your life. Accept the smaller mistake you made marrying him.

Pack a bag, get to the airport (taxi?), get the next flight back to the UK. Now, while you can.

He is NOT who you thought he was, he was 'faking' until you married him.

DO NOT think you can fix this. You can't.

Home. Now. 💐

Tbh it sounds like you will stay with him.
Good luck. You'll need it.
Especially once he's knocked you up.
Prepare to be hit again also.
He might have a lash at your kids too.

Leave.

If you really cannot get hold of any contraception then most lubes are a bit of a sperm inhibitor - they are absolutely not contraceptive but it might just reduce the chance a bit.

Also plot your cycles and try and avoid the 3 days before ovulation and 2 days after if you possibly can.

Please please get out. The mistake would be to stay. He probably thinks he can get away with it because you've lived in an abusive household so "won't notice."

I don't want my lovely husband to actually be a bastard

Nobody wants this. The problem is they only stay lovely until they get you were they want you. They then rely on you being too ashamed/embarrassed/fearful/scared of not being believed to leave. The fact he has shown so many signs of an abuser within such a short time is really not good. If his culture is that men are boss and own the women his behaviour so far is showing that he thinks this is true.

An abuser will say all the things you want to hear. You have to look at the actions and ignore the words.

You work online, you can work from the UK. Make up an excuse to need to get to the UK.
Have "woman's problems" and need to see a chemist, sounds like he won't want to ask about " woman's probelms" and happily drive you there and leave you too it.
Put the cost of a flight on a credit card, cash for taxi/public transport tot eh airport.
Don't get pregnant.