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Original poster

DH hurt my wrist, will he do it again?

311 replies

confused0086 · 16/09/2016 10:49

Hello, name changed for this.
I've been married for 3 months, together for 2 years but we were long distance for most of that. We both smoke. Before we got married he told me he wanted me to quit, I said I would like him to quit with me and we agreed we would after the wedding but it kind of got forgotten. Yesterday he started saying I have to quit and he doesn't want a wife who smokes. He said he doesn't want to quit anymore. He starts a new job next month but currently doesn't have one so I pay for everything. I told him I thought it was ridiculous that he expects me to buy him cigarettes but I'm not allowed them. He went off in a sulk and I went out to the garden to smoke. I realise that was childish. He came out and got right in my face and told me to put it out. I said no and backed away from him and then he grabbed my wrist and twisted it hard so I dropped it. It really hurt and I was so shocked that he did it. I went inside crying and told him he can't ever do anything like that again. He said sorry and he did seem upset. He promised he'd never do it again.
He has always seemed so gentle, it's one of the things I love most about him. I never expected him to act like that. Is it a sign of worse to come or can I believe him?
Sorry if half of this is irrelevant, I don't want to drip feed. And I know I need to quit smoking!

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 16/09/2016 11:34

I don't like the way this is going.
Right start using contraception straight away if you can, any thing.
Keep away from him when ovulating!

Come back to the UK to see your family and stay here.

Beetlejuice1 · 16/09/2016 11:35

I think the thing that stands out for me it that he has an idea of how his girlfriend should be and a different idea of how his wife should be, no doubt he has a different idea again of how the mother of his children should be. Maybe he has an idea of what sort of daughter in law you should be to his parents. Of what sort of job his wife should do. How you should drive. Who you should speak too. What you should wear. What you should cook. When you should cook. Maybe of how finances should be arranged, ownership of property etc. etc.

AND crucially it seems that he will make his wants happen. Physically through greater strength in this case, maybe other more subtle ways with other things.

The one benefit of a physical act like this is you can not talk yourself into believing it was a misunderstanding.

He may be as surprised and upset as you to find out that he has these opinions and will act on them and you may both be surprised to find out as time progresses that he is unable to suppress them.

If you were my daughter I would be saying take back your freedom now and with it your physical and emotional safety.

Take care.

smilingeyes11 · 16/09/2016 11:37

get away from him immediately. Him wanting you pregnant and trapped immediately is another huge red flag. You know this man is an abuser just like your father was before. You really need Women's Aid to help you. But i guess where you are such a service does not exist?

mydietstartsmonday · 16/09/2016 11:37

The only way it is fixable is if he follows you to the UK and you set up home here, where you have medical care, women's rights and you can trust the police. And he lives the way you want him to live.

What if something doesn't happen for 10 years and by then you have 3 children and your passport has expired. Also you might have daughters you need to protect your future life.

2kids2dogsnosense · 16/09/2016 11:38

Avoid sex as much as you can if you are not using contraception. Have cystitis - it's common enough and it can recur, so you have a good medical reason rather than just "no".

If he won't respect your boundaries over this, then he will DEFINITELY not get any better over time.

AdoraBell · 16/09/2016 11:38

I was going to say what frenchfancy said.

Leave now, before you are pregnant. Do you have your passport and enough money for a ticket? Do you have any friends in the UK who could pay for a ticket?

This is just the beginning. He thinks he owns you now so there is no need for him to stop abusing you.

conscientioussuicidee · 16/09/2016 11:39

Leaving before there are children to consider is a whole heap easier.
Children = links to him forever essentially.

It's not a flexi thing - leaving is black and white.

He will likely promise not to do it again and try and persuade you otherwise.

I get why it seems hard after one incident

Thinking of you

Lorelei76 · 16/09/2016 11:41

OP "My Dad hit me and my Mum for years, I will never put up with that. He knows that."

a) you just did
b) he chose you on purpose because he thinks you will put up with it.

It sounds like you need to leave the country asap.

and btw I'd be less concerned if you were smoking crack - you have to leave this man, he's going to do much much worse to you and very soon. Get out NOW.

rainbowstardrops · 16/09/2016 11:41

Violence is never ok and I'd be very worried that he'd grabbed you. Only you know what your husband is generally like though.
I'm wondering if he wants you to stop smoking if you're trying for a baby but bloody hypocritical to not stop with you!
That would worry me.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 16/09/2016 11:42

Is there any way this is fixable?

Yes. By him getting a whole personality transplant and the two of you living in a country that does not oppress women.

Or, more doable, just please LTB and come home.

Original poster
confused0086 · 16/09/2016 11:44

Sorry I missed lots of comments, you are all so helpful I cant keep up!
I dont have access to a doctor, contraception etc. Contraception here is from the pharmacy and I would have to get him to take me, its miles away and I dont drive. I don't want to have sex with him now anyways. I do have my own money, I work online

OP posts:
Idrinkandiknowstuff · 16/09/2016 11:44

He wants a baby ASAP as the ultimate way to control you. You need to leave now.

SerendipityJane · 16/09/2016 11:44

OP: Make sure you keep your passport in your possession at all times.

If you "can't find it", apply for a replacement without your husband knowing.

JinkxMonsoon · 16/09/2016 11:44

I'm wondering if he wants you to stop smoking if you're trying for a baby

But that's not what he said. He said he doesn't want a wife who smokes.

MorrisZapp · 16/09/2016 11:44

The wrist thing is almost a red herring anyway. Perhaps he may never grab your wrist again, who knows.

But prior to that, he told you that he didn't want a wife who smoked, despite smoking himself. He doesn't sound lovely at all. He sounds like a sexist, judgemental throwback pig of a man. That's his character, regardless of one regrettable grabbing incident.

Lorelei76 · 16/09/2016 11:45

OP, what are you doing in that country? It sounds like a bonkers arrangement with the aim of trapping of you.

Come home NOW!!

TwigTheWonderKid · 16/09/2016 11:45

It's irrelevant whether he'll do it again, surely the point is that he HAS already hurt you. That isn't normal or loving.

specialsubject · 16/09/2016 11:45

get on a plane to anywhere else where you have a right to live as soon as possible. Take what money you have and just go. If you have the right to be in the UK, get yourself here. We aren't perfect but the laws here don't allow what is happening to you.

there's no embarrassment in ending this marriage - you just tell people that he was violent and that you are worth far more than that. The shame is all his.

no more sex and please get out.

PickAChew · 16/09/2016 11:46

You can not fix this.

In reality, you married him barely knowing him. Well you do know him now and what you know is not good. He already has you geographically isolated and set up for a potential life of servitude, with punishments meted out when you're not compliant.

MorrisZapp · 16/09/2016 11:46

You don't drive and you can't access health care? That is terrifying. Start planning your exit route. Maybe a 'holiday' back to the UK?

Littlefuckers · 16/09/2016 11:47

is this fixable? no.

  1. he is not working, I suspect the job in a month may not happen. He is a cocklodger
  2. he told you not to smoke. He is controlling
  3. he physically assaulted you. He will escalate his violence.

He is not a 'lovely' man. He is a vile abusive chauvinist, who made you fall in love with the man he is NOT.

Be brave. Get out, you are a better person without him. Slowly but surely we will destroy you.
Do NOT get pregnant by this man.

Purplebluebird · 16/09/2016 11:47

Please please leave, you deserve so much better. His behaviour is not acceptable, and it's unlikely to stop. There is no shame in leaving an abusive marriage - it will feel worse a year down the line.

VestalVirgin · 16/09/2016 11:48

Go along with his suggestion. Pretend that you are willing to forget about it.

Then, when he's asleep, get your passport and get out of there. If he has hidden your passport, pretend that everything is fine and suggest a vacation in the UK or an EU country where you trust the police.

If he wants to have sex, say you have a headache. Or your menstruation, or whatever excuse comes to mind that you know he will respect.

ShotsFired · 16/09/2016 11:50

You must stop having sex

Can you fake a nasty tummy bug - the sweats, diarrhoea and vomiting doesn't exactly sound like something your shitty H would want to get up close and personal with. And these things are SO contagious...

And while you are "ill", have a serious think about what you can gather and how you can make your escape and who you can trust to help you. It can be to the next big city (if more enlightened) or the next country - it doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be away. Stage 2 can come when you are safe.

MaddyHatter · 16/09/2016 11:50

buy a ticket and come home, at least once you're in the UK you're away from him and can make some decisions without him breathing down your neck.

Please!