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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Empty condom wrapper

246 replies

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 02:11

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 15/09/2016 18:40

OP. This is your life. Don't be bullied into doing what others think you would. Staying doesn't mean at all you're giving him permission to do it again and staying for now doesn't mean you can't leave if in six months if you have a change of mind. Good luck.

Iamdobby63 · 15/09/2016 18:42

Well I suggest you start getting yourself some security for the future. Get him to prove that he is as committed to this relationship as you by adding your name to the house.

WingsofNylon · 15/09/2016 18:43

I'm back and I'm holding your hand again. I seems that the thread has come on a bit too strong for you. Take your time. You don't need to decide yet but please acknowledge that he has shown you nothing but disrespect.

Ellarose85 · 15/09/2016 18:46

I was 6 when my mum had an affair, as much as it was hidden from me, I knew what was going on.

Kids pick up on far more than you will ever know.

shallichangemyname · 15/09/2016 18:46

OP, it is easy for people to give advice when they are weeks, months, years down the line from a similar experience (or who have never experienced this but imagine what their reaction might be if they did).
Do not feel pressurised by posters who think you should leave. They are worried about you letting yourself in for a lifetime of being a doormat. Only you can decide what to do, and in your own time. It cannot be decided overnight (or in 7 hours). Take your time. I took 8 months and in fact DH ended our marriage not me. I wasn't ready. I do not regret that for one second. I know I tried. That was what was right for me. My friends probably thought I was mad but supported my decisions.
I do think you should get some advice. Not necessarily straight away. But soon. You may be pleasantly surprised about what your claims are and then not so worried about a solo future. Gong to a lawyer is not a sign of weakness or giving up. Knowledge is power and knowing the legal position may empower you significantly ad make you feel more confident in your decision making. Even if you think you want to give things a go, it's still a good idea to know what's what legally.
Don't be tempted to put up with what you know just because the unknown is scary. If you take legal advice it will be less scary and you will be in a better place to make a choice.
The important thing is take your time.
Look after yourself

RedMapleLeaf · 15/09/2016 18:47

I know none of us want OP to make critical mistakes in these early hours., but she is probably having one of the worse days of her life. Berating her for having no self respect is neither supportive or compassionate. Some posters are pointing out issues that she'll only be able to process days or weeks from now.

OP just take things an hour at a time and don't be surprised if you change your mind more than once an hour. I know that there's security in making firm decisions, but now is the time to ride the storm.

shallichangemyname · 15/09/2016 18:50

Couldn't agree more RedMaple

shallichangemyname · 15/09/2016 18:51

OP private message me if you like. I will explain the law in a nutshell if you really can't face going to see a solicitor.

Cary2012 · 15/09/2016 18:53

OP, no decision needs to be made today, next week or even next month.

You need time to absorb the shock, take that time.

You sound as though you are submissive, and accepting this as your lot. It isn't.

He is so self confident that you won't take action that he didn't rush home to comfort you, talk, reassure. There is no need for him to feel this is a dealbreaker, because, as you've said to us, it isn't.

So, you need time. You need to understand that you are worth far, far more. He is not better than you. He is a self satisfied cheat.

Your relationship, your decision, up to you.

There are ways to have a happier life. Countless strong women on here have realised their self worth and decided that however much they love their partner, they deserve a better life than one with a cheater. It is bloody hard to leave, but sometimes it is impossible to stay.

If you decide to stay, turn a blind eye, then you are enabling a man to cheat, lie, at his will.

He has zero respect for you, that's glaringly obvious.

Please don't tell posters who have walked in your shoes, who have taken time to share their advice and painful experiences that they are being dramatic, they're not: you are minimising.

Why do you feel that he is all you deserve?

ButtMuncher · 15/09/2016 18:54

Take your time OP.

PP - it's worth remembering that we go through the stages when experiencing a traumatic event - OP has gone from hearing innocent explanations to now being told to move out and seek legal advice among other very big decisions. She's barely had time to process the news - can we cut her teeny bit of slack for not wanting to jump ship straight away? I don't think she's minimising her husbands infidelity - she's made it abundantly clear it's not acceptable. Maybe in a few days OP will phone lawyers and arrange accommodation. Right now she needs not to be told she's got no self respect or harming the kids - she needs a place to vent and to gather her thoughts. I know my instant reaction wouldn't be to get lawyers involved - not because I would be willing to hear about the infidelity, but because time gives us the change to feel the differing emotions we end up experiencing and they are important in making decisions worth sticking to. Forcing them down OPs throat and assuming she won't make decisions just because she's not locking the doors and throwing his clothes in the street in binbags isn't fair.

GabsAlot · 15/09/2016 19:01

of course u dont have to leave today

b ut saying getting advice is irelevant well it isnt

u need ot know where u stand at least

and kids do pick up on things-my dh stayed with his ex becaue of his young kids

they picked up on tension and stress and didnt know what was going on-he left in the end after he got ill

its not worth it-u think u can hide it from them u cant

toooldtobeyoungandstupid · 15/09/2016 19:12

Martyrdom isn't necessarily going to help you, your partner or your children in the long run.

This must've absolutely knocked you sideways. You are not in the wrong here, you have every right to take your time, consider your needs and options. It sounds like you've not even talked face to face yet, so I'd imagine it's incredibly difficult to read the situation and figure out how you feel.

I absolutely cannot tell you what is best for you. However, I would suggest you stop being so bloody proud tell a friend/family member. Get support, even if all you need is a big hug. You don't have to go through this alone.

shallichangemyname · 15/09/2016 19:23

It's awful having to tell friends. Mine knew the minute they saw me that something dreadful had happened. Collectively they were surprisingly non judgmental. They just listened and supported me and didn't try to advise. Lean on them. You need them.

Saltfish · 15/09/2016 19:23

Speaking as a child of a woman who martyred herself for the children with a colossal cheat believe me I've grown to have no respect for her in my adult years. She is miserable. And if you think your children won't notice, get a grip. My childhood sucked I wish they did split.

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 19:25

There is nothing else for me to write here...

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 15/09/2016 19:25

No respect for your mother who thought she was doing the right thing by her family. Nice.

2sCompany · 15/09/2016 19:34

Just to clarify, I was in a rush this morning and should have said "men who cheat are shit". Obviously not all men are shit.

So sorry you're experiencing this op Flowers

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 19:35

Can't believe he has come home this evening.

OP posts:
Saltfish · 15/09/2016 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SaggyNaggy · 15/09/2016 19:38

I can't believe he's come home, I can't believe he so flippantly came clean and I can't believe that you're considering staying with him.

FUCK THAT

I'd father be alone, living in a spare room with my children sharing a single bed than be living with a lying, manipulative and cheating fuck weasel.

Rarity75 · 15/09/2016 19:45

Ok I rarely post in relationships having had a few terrible ones myself!
But 2 don't rush into any decision, staying or going. You may find you can work through this but with the all important caveat that he admits to his mistake, and profoundly regrets and does his best to save his family. You can't do that on your own.
I'm not surprised he has come home because I suspect he thinks you are going to suck this up and move on. He wants to be in his comfort zone. I hope you give him hell after the DC's are asleep.
Don't feel pressured by some of the posts. Just vent and we will listen Flowers

Fidelia · 15/09/2016 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rarity75 · 15/09/2016 19:47

saggy naggy that is your choice but not everybody's choice.
Give OP time to process and work out what she feels. I suspect this still feels like a bad dream

Rarity75 · 15/09/2016 19:53

I have seen a relationship with children that survived infidelity (on the woman's part) and a separation. They are still together 2 years down the line. Was it the best outcome? I don't know from the outside but life and relationships are complicated. All we can do is travel a line that feels right for us. Even if that s only at the time while we lick our wounds and contemplate our options. Sometimes real life does feel like we have been plonked into a soap opera.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 15/09/2016 20:02

I think finding out where you stand legally and having a plan b is always a good idea. Sorry but if he is having an affair he may choose to leave you and not give you the choice.

It sounds like you are in shock. I agree with all other posters here. Staying with a cheat who has no respect or love for you is soul destroying to the max. And of course the children will pick up/ find out eventually.
and even if sticks around this time maybe next time he won't. Don't hand him yours and your childrens destiny to play with. Don't be passive in your one and and only life whilst you get fucked over.