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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Empty condom wrapper

246 replies

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 02:11

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 15/09/2016 11:52

Wow, I'm so sorry. His lack of remorse or explanation is even more upsetting, he's content with just throwing everything away?

I'm impressed you knew he wouldn't lie, I'm afraid I was thinking he would.

furryminkymoo · 15/09/2016 11:53

Get angry, also register an interest in the family home.

I would try to get a free half hour appointment with a solicitor.

Consider if you want him to come home tonight, if I you were you I would be asking him to stay away and getting a close friend over.

www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/545433/HR1.pdf

furryminkymoo · 15/09/2016 11:53

That link is the form to register your interest in your marital home.

Huppopapa · 15/09/2016 11:54

So, he is a rogue and now a coward. It is notnotnot your decision alone what to do next and he is a shocker for suggesting as much.

It seems he has not though about the consequences to him and the children in the event you choose to end it, or perhaps he has and intends to blame you. Either way, that is not good enough. There seems to be a need for some grown up conversing here: whatever you decide, the option of your keeping the home-fires burning while he grills his kippers elsewhere does not seem to be sustainable and shows a level of contempt that you should not accept, if I may be so bold.
Get information - yes, financial information, but more about what the options for the children and you are and the social and psychological effects of those might be - and then require him to talk. If he does love you, he does at least owe you the courtesy of listening and contributing to the conversation.
Sending the very, very best of luck.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/09/2016 11:54

Bloody hellOP that is one cold customer

I think this goes to prove that the old adage "you never truly know anyone" is true. The amoun of women who say "my dp never would" are truly kidding themselves

I'm so sorry OP. Pack his bags and get yourself some space

Arfarfanarf · 15/09/2016 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3luckystars · 15/09/2016 11:57

I am really sorry. It's awful.

BadTasteFlump · 15/09/2016 11:58

If I were to leave him I know I'm never ever going to find better.

That is absolutely not true. You could and would meet a man who wasn't a cheat

I would also be telling him to leave and that you will leave a bag of his stuff on the doorstep. I also would let him think that he won't be returning and this is the end. Even if you don't think so, it will give him the message loud and clear that cheating is a total deal breaker for you.

Iamdobby63 · 15/09/2016 12:00

I'm guessing he is very confident that you aren't going anywhere and he won't lose anything?

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 15/09/2016 12:02

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this; he sounds incredibly nonchalant about this .
Leaving the ball in your court by saying it's up to you where we go now is another way of saying he wants out of this relationship.

idontlikealdi · 15/09/2016 12:05

Men aren't shit.

This one however, really is.

Sorry op.

MaMaof04 · 15/09/2016 12:06

I am sorry for you OP.
I know how awful this can be.
There are the emotions that are note easy to handle.
In addition it seems to me that in your case there might be other issues.
1- You are financially dependent on him
2- it looks as if you feel that the house you live in is 'his home'.
Please please try not to be put down by the emotions and his callous behavior and maybe:
1- start thinking about a job (or a job qualification to start with)
2- take legal advice about this house that has been your children's home and yours as well for a while.
Once you have some confidence in your financial future then start thinking whether you want to stay with him (for the sake of your children- because you love him etc) ; or whether you want to leave him. IMHO what you need most now is to strengthen your financial independence. IMHO even if you stay with him it would be advisable that you take steps 1 and 2. You should never ever find yourself in such a financial vulnerable position. I know it is easier said than done but please use this awful episode to strengthen yourself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 12:06

You mention the words "his house"?. Are you at all named on either the mortgage or title deeds or is the property solely his?.

Re your comment:-

If I were to leave him I know I'm never ever going to find better.

I think you are so very wrong there; you will raise your relationship bar and find someone who is infact worthy of you as a person. This man really is not worthy of you. He cheated for his own reasons, it was and is nothing to do with you as a person. It was and is all about him; he is a weak and selfish man.

At the very least he is and should remain financially responsible for his children.

EssentialHummus · 15/09/2016 12:07

Just adding my support OP.

You deserve far, far better than this idiot.

yoink · 15/09/2016 12:07

wow, he really doesn't give a shit does he

amusedbush · 15/09/2016 12:08

he sound like he want the decision to be yours even though its all his fault

This with bells on.

He's a pathetic excuse for a person and you can do much better. He clearly has no respect for you.

ZaZathecat · 15/09/2016 12:09

Wow he sounds sure of himself. I was so hoping he'd picked it up as litter.

Ninasimoneinthemorning · 15/09/2016 12:10

This is absolutly not the first time he has done this.

Why would a 39 year old man not go near a mid twenties woman?

whaaaaat · 15/09/2016 12:11

Oh, I was wrong.

I'm so sorry OP. Do you have support in rl?

Goingtobeawesome · 15/09/2016 12:14

I'm so sorry. You must be heart broken. He is right, it is up to you what happens now but it isn't cut and dried. If you do stay you aren't saying it's okay to cheat, what a silly thing to say. It could be you're giving him another chance but if he cheats again he's out. It's your real life. You need to have time to think. Take care.

LovelyBranches · 15/09/2016 12:14

Op I'm so sorry. This is such an enormous amount of information for you to take in. You have said you can't stay with him and I would feel the same in your shoes. However, in the short term you have two options.

Leave. Find somewhere else as soon as possible and just go and get away from him.

Lie to him. Buy yourself time where you can prepare to leave him. Get yourself into a better financial situation and sort out a new life for you and your children. This is the harder option mentally and in the short term it might even mean 'taking him back' but I would personally have no qualms about deceiving him to better my life given what he's done.

Rubberduck2 · 15/09/2016 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/09/2016 12:18

I'm so sorry OP is there someone you can get support from IRL?

I'm a family lawyer and for no other reason than that over 20 years I have seen the suffering that can arise from breakups, I urge you to weigh the consequences of ending the relationship against the wholly rational wish to act on your appalling hurt.

I wonder what suffering can arise from staying in a relationship with a cheating, lying, stealing partner.

AmberGreyson · 15/09/2016 12:19

be strong and get a divorce lawyer

shallichangemyname · 15/09/2016 12:19

Having been there myself, I'm afraid that the fact that he isn't dashing home to beg your forgiveness is a bit telling that he doesn't really care (or just isn't expecting you to leave). I tried desperately to save my marriage in the face of an affair with a girl young enough to be his daughter. It should have been clear to me that his heart wasn't in it and I was fighting a losing battle. It takes two of you, not one. Having said that, I'm still glad I tried and needed time to be ready to walk away.
But the PP who's a family lawyer is right (it's my profession too - believe it or not we don't encourage separations, sometimes we help couples/families to stay together). Some relationships can and should be saved. Others can't/shouldn't. Don't act too soon until you are sure what you want (and what he wants - it takes two). The legal route can wait. Think carefully before chucking him out - often making that quantum leap kills any chance there was that you could have resolved things.

I'm not saying that it's wrong for you to end it, go to a lawyer, chuck him out - whatever - I just want to encourage you to think carefully about what you want, and about what is possible.

And don't sell yourself short. You have more financial rights than you probably think you do, and there is life after separation. It is a mistake to stay just because you are scared of the alternatives.

Good luck.

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