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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Empty condom wrapper

246 replies

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 02:11

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

OP posts:
BarbaraRoberts · 15/09/2016 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 17:27

I'm not submissive, you don't understand if I leave him I'd be giving too much up and it wouldn't be fair on the children.

How can he support me? He is admitted to cheating, how can it make the whole situation better for me? And to be honest with you I don't want him near me.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 15/09/2016 17:29

Maybe I'm wrong but I can't help but feel that perhaps you only think he is this great catch because he has made you believe that.

Not to be unkind but clearly he knew you wouldn't go anywhere, hence his confidence.

Luvjubs · 15/09/2016 17:36

Op you and your CHILDREN deserve better. You are allowing him to cheat them, as well as you.
Take time and really absorb everything. I really hope in time you come to the same realisation that many of us have had to come to.
He has shown NO guilt or remorse or REAL want to work with you. Due to this he WILL do it again. Your children will be older (not sure of ages) and trust me, they WILL notice more than you think.
Sadly, he knows you'll stay and he knows he can do whatever he likes from now and forever

adora1 · 15/09/2016 17:37

Well you certainly have changed your mind OP, you say yourself you can't stay with him if its true, so what has changed since your first post?

You should not stay for the children at the expense of your self esteem and worthiness, nobody should do that. If you do, you are effectively telling him it's ok to treat you like a piece of shit. His apathy towards you after being caught is astounding, he really does see himself as quite the jack the lad, sad twat that he is.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2016 17:43

He knew you would stay. You have now effectively given him the green light to shag around with no consequences. Not even getting legal advice and looking into your options is a massive mistake. He doesn't care that you will withdraw to the spare room or he would be home right now begging you not to leave him. Prepare for a life as cook, cleaner, housekeeper, child carer and general drudge while he has increasingly indiscreet affairs. He considers you simply as part of the furniture. I am so sorry.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 15/09/2016 17:46

If you forgive him you give him the green light to do it again. If you stay for what you have to lose materially then you are bringing on yourself all that is coming to you. And so you are bringing it on your kids also.

AyeAmarok · 15/09/2016 17:52

Sounds like he knew you would put up with him sleeping around. Has he purposefully kept your relationship without marriage, and your home in just his name so you feel dependant on him?

You need to either tell him it's over, completly over, because the line that one should never cross in a relationship already has been, or you need to accept that you will cling on to him regardless of what he does.

Which is a grim and soul-destroying thought I'm sure, but it might be better to accept that that's the decision you're going to make.

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 17:53

adora1 a lot has changed I can't just up and leave with two children, and go where exactly?

It wouldn't be right for me to take them out of the place they live.

OP posts:
MoreCoffeeNow · 15/09/2016 17:58

This is how it's going to be for the rest of your life, OP. Do you want your DCs to grow up thinking his behaviour is ok?

proudmummyoftwo · 15/09/2016 18:00

Firstly sending hugs

Second, it sound like he wanted to be caught? He could have easily disposed of the wrapper. I'd ask him why he wanted to be caught in the first place. Is he after out but too big a wuss to do it himself so he's making you do it?

Third, if you don't want to leave, that's your choice. But, can you ever forgive? Maybe if you had one night with someone else (if you wanted to), see how he would like it? Is it worth staying miserable? DC will pick up on negativity more than if you split and keep things amicable.

Or leave his cheating ass and see what happens?

No one can decide for you, just support you in your choice

RedMapleLeaf · 15/09/2016 18:10

Why do so many women go to the default "must keep this man" option.

I think it's more the default of "must keep my life the same as I possibly can and not deal with everything changing immediately". I think that this is a very natural, short term reaction, and what I was getting at in my previous post.

I can't just up and leave with two children, and go where exactly?

You won't have all of the answers right away OP. You don't have to go anywhere yet. You can start planning your new life without this man in your own good time.

rhuhbarb4 · 15/09/2016 18:15

Maybe you can't just up and leave for the sake of the children however he doesn't have to come home. Please be strong and do what's right for you at the moment they children will adapt to whatever happens.

TheMissMarple · 15/09/2016 18:16

I rarely message but I feel I have to. The woe of taking the children from their house is nothing compared to bringing them with this behaviour as their role model. You're giving your agreement to a lifetime of this behaviour and showing your children it's ok to cheat and put up with men who behave like this. Can't recall if you have a daughter but this is not the way to teach your children love and self esteem. And this isn't about him not lying and telling the truth, this is about him testing you with his admission.

Rubberduck2 · 15/09/2016 18:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 18:21

MoreCoffeeNow DD is 10 months DS is 6 this will not have any effect on them. And I hope he doesn't come home this evening.

you're giving your agreement to a lifetime of this behaviour and showing your children it's ok to cheat and put up with men who behave like this - oh please DD is 10 months DS is 6. Do you really think I'm going to sit them down and tell them what their dad has done??

I don't regret posting on here, but I can't deal with people dramatising things, yes he cheated.

I don't really need to hear about lawyers, money or leaving the house, it's not relevant.

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 15/09/2016 18:24

Oh, OP, you do have choices. This will not be good for you in the long run, you're selling yourself out, for what? Please get some advice, maybe not now, but soon.

Desmondo2016 · 15/09/2016 18:25

Stay in the house with the children. Kick him out on his cheating ass until you've had time to reflect and reassess.

For the love of God woman, where's your self respect?

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 18:29

Desmondo2016 It is not my house, it's his.. How can I tell him to leave?

Are you saying I don't have any self respect because I won't leave him?

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 15/09/2016 18:32

They are his kids and THEY have rights, possibly more than you. Don't stay because you can't face things, stay because you want to. It'll be a waste of some of the best years of your life.

Dinah85 · 15/09/2016 18:34

Will you stay the next time, and the one after that? Because once he knows he can sleep around with no repercussions apart from some silent treatment, and not even have to apologize for his actions there is no deterrent at all to stop him doing it again. You said yourself he's not even apologetic, he sounds so cold. How on earth do you not think you can find a man better - does he respect me has to be the most important thing when choosing a partner and yours fails big time on that front.

Dinah85 · 15/09/2016 18:34

Will you stay the next time, and the one after that? Because once he knows he can sleep around with no repercussions apart from some silent treatment, and not even have to apologize for his actions there is no deterrent at all to stop him doing it again. You said yourself he's not even apologetic, he sounds so cold. How on earth do you not think you can find a man better - does he respect me has to be the most important thing when choosing a partner and yours fails big time on that front.

Dinah85 · 15/09/2016 18:34

Will you stay the next time, and the one after that? Because once he knows he can sleep around with no repercussions apart from some silent treatment, and not even have to apologize for his actions there is no deterrent at all to stop him doing it again. You said yourself he's not even apologetic, he sounds so cold. How on earth do you not think you can find a man better - does he respect me has to be the most important thing when choosing a partner and yours fails big time on that front.

PointlessUsername · 15/09/2016 18:34

I think people are just trying to point out if you are to take this the first time with no repercussion's for him he is more than likely to do it again.

castfrog61 · 15/09/2016 18:34

2 - I am so sorry you're obviously in shock.

If you're married it will be half your house or is he your partner?

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