Empty condom wrapper

[2InTheMorning]

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

its only you who knows your relationship/ your life together.

It's hard to make decisions when things are raw..
Look after urself and be kind to urself x

OP, I think you are right not to rush into doing anything rash. But start thinking about an exit plan. Think about what you would need. Because chances are that he will cheat again and at some point you will have had enough. Start preparing for that now. I think you should start by saving money. Open a private savings account, keep it all online - no paper trail, and change all your passwords if he has access to any of them. Also put passcodes on your phone and laptop. You say he's generous. So start putting some of that money away. It will mount up. And either prepare to go back to work, or aim at climbing the career ladder in your profession. Make it so that you stay because you want to and because it's where you and your dd's are happy. Don't stay because you have no other option. You can work on that. Stay - for now.

Why can't you believe he has come home?

Iamdobby63 just what I was thinking. It's a matter of hours since the thread was started...

Of course he came home. The question is, how is he behaving towards you now?

2InTheMorning - Unlike many posters here, I do believe that there are ways not only to recover from infidelity, but to grow stronger, both separately and together, because of it.

However.

One of the greatest factors in determining the ability for a couple to recover from it is the presence of remorse.

If remorse isn't present, then I don't believe there is room for recovery - because there it's clear there is no room for you and your feelings to be heard and acknowledged.

Not sure if anyone else has said this, but whatever you do OP, remember to get an std check as soon as possible

OP is not a martyr, she just doesn't want to give up her comfortable lifestyle, for herself and kids. Unfortunately unless you yourself selfsufficient, and all your material things come from partner /husband most likely then not you will end up beneath them, you will end up disrespected and cheated on.
It will only get worse. One day he might actually leave you himself, despite you keeping your mouth shut because if you let them treat you as doormat that's how they'll treat you.

she just doesn't want to give up her comfortable lifestyle

I think that's a misrepresentation.

When you find out your husband - the person you thought was your 'life partner' - is unfaithful, it shakes you to the core.

All sorts of instincts kick in. The 'survival, must keep the marriage going for the sake of the children' instinct is very strong. The feelings that lead to the 'pick-me dance' are strong, too. It takes weeks, sometimes months or years, of suffering before people are ready to give in and let go of the marriage. Those who are fired with righteous indignation and LTB right away are the lucky ones.

OP, those of us who have been there before you just want you to avoid mistakes we made. I probably shouldn't have carried on having sex with the ex husband for three years - but I liked that he was 'unfaithful' to the OW with me. And I liked sex. We were in the habit of doing sex, we just didn't stop when the marriage ended. I also lost out by not being ruthless about money, property etc. And he was a bastard who took half of everything in the house, including furniture and bedlinen, even though I had our four year old living with me.

STI check, yes, do it. But at least he uses condoms, so you might have escaped infection. Go tomorrow. It took me decades to face up to needing to know if I was 'clean' or not. Do a little to help yourself and your situation every day.

I remember how awful it was. How I couldn't sleep, couldn't keep still, always had to be moving, doing something, cleaning the house obsessively, couldn't sit down and cuddle my child... awful, awful time.

It gets better. You'll be ok.

After my wife's affair we carried on. I tried to forgive her. We moved house, moved towns, she quit work, I worked more. We bought a house, the one she wanted. I bent over backwards to make her happy and to put the past behind us.

But.... It was always there. If she was late home, my mind would race with ideas of where she was. I couldnt move beyond my suspicions, suspicions I never voiced.

I got so bad that when she got a job, every extra shift she did I would torture myself, wondering where she was, wondering who she was with.

I had a break down. It left me broken.

After 12 months of living in hell I left her. A few night in hotels, a night here or there on the street, a night spent in the office reception on the sofas "working late"

Eventually, life settled, things moved on, I met my current gf, now things are better. Still that suspicious voice in my head shouts, I ignore it as best I can and never give it a breath of air from my lips.

So, in my opinion, trust that gets broken can never be repaired, patched, ignored, faked, but never ever repaired.

I'm confused op. At the beginning you said that there is no way you could continue a relationship if he's cheated. Now you seem to have done a 180° u turn.

Are you proposing to stay in the same house but not in a relationship? It's hard to tell from your posts but if that's the case then you know that idea is untenable right?

I hope you're ok. It's a huge shock and it's going to take a while to process it

Coming from someone that has been cheated on A LOT in the past I think you should consider that he picked that up as rubbish from one of the taxi or a property.
Put it in the pocket for the bin and forgot.

My exes who cheated for years would have never left that kind of evidence. He would have put it in the bin with the used condom. Why keep it?

Just ask him naturally but without accusing

So sorry what an idiot I thought I had read all messages
Sorry OP

How did it go last night op?

OP - are you OK?? Do what's right for you & your DC but do have a plan, do have a rainy day fund, do have faith in yourself. You are worthy of a better, kinder & more honest relationship. Sending you love & strength

trust that gets broken can never be repaired, patched, ignored, faked, but never ever repaired

This ^^

As I'm sure many of us know, it's not the initial shock which causes the real, long lasting damage, but the grinding doubt, mistrust and sometimes downright paranoia which becomes a permanent part of your life if you choose to carry on. Only OP can decide the best course, but frankly I wouldn't recommend putting yourself through this - better to get out while you've still got something of yourself left

Take your time to digest it all OP. It's your life and not everyone reacts straight away.

It's sounds like he wanted to be caught out.
Almost like the movie "enough" without the DV of course.
She confronts him in the shower and says I know you're goi g too see her she's just called and he responds calmy good at least it's not a secret now. I go to her to unwind and you stay at home raising the child and be a good housewife to keep up appearances!

Just because its stupid leaving evidence lying about isn't proof of their innocence! It's just evidence that they are stupid

Picking condom wrappers up from
Cab floors and keeping them, adult men blowing them up for fun (they are expensive
For a start! And what are they 12?!) to using them for survival missions. I have heard it all now.
People tying themselves in knots to excuse the obvious.
If it quacks like a duck, walks like a duck and looks like a duck, it's a bloody duck!

I'm so so sorry OP. You must feel absolutely sick, its a shocking and horrible discovery. Honestly, I cant think of a likely alternative than what you are naturally thinking.

I think you just need to ask him face to face. Don't do it on the phone, you do need to see his reaction. As horrible as confronting it will be for you, I personally dont think you can live with this horrible feeling for long without finding out - it will eat you up inside not knowing. So brace yourself, and make sure you have some real life support - a good friend - to talk to. You will need support.

And we will be here for you. Big hugs.