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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Empty condom wrapper

246 replies

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 02:11

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

OP posts:
Brenna24 · 15/09/2016 14:26

I know you think you need to know, but you really don't. I know who the OW was. The mother of my Godson. That just made it worse. While I was running myself ragged helping her with looking after him and getting her house straight, she was off 'consoling' my DH as he wasn't getting enough attention. I was even babysitring her kid to give her time - I never did think to ask what she was doing to give herself space. The best thing you can do is take the advice upthread. Get a lawyer and get copies of all the bank statements/passports/ pensions etc policies. Stash them with someone else. I was lucky. I owned my own place and didn't have kids with him, so he arse and all his crap went bouncing down the stairs.

You said a few pages back that you won't find someone better. You really will. I am now married to a wonderful, gentle, generous man who doesn't understand why anyone would jeapordise their family life for the sake of any other woman - he considers himself, me as his wife and any potential kids we may have as a family unit which he would destroy if he did anything stupid. I know this as the same day as we got engaged somebody close to us found out his wife was cheating and wanted a divorce. My DH just could not understand how she could do that to her family or children and sees that family unit as the most precious thing in the world. I am so much better off now and you will be in time. My ex had me conditioned to think I was worthless and nobody else would ever want me. So not true.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

scampimom · 15/09/2016 14:33

I think it's because when you discover such a massive untruth, there's a need to "have all of it" - meaning to know EVERYTHING, because the idea that there's still more that's been hidden from you is just relentless. Actually knowing those details won't help you, but the urge to just uncover the WHOLE truth is sometimes irresistible.

Cakeofmanylayers · 15/09/2016 14:33

Yes to letting your friends support you, it's him who should be embarrassed and ashamed not you. Try to focus on what he's done, not how, where or who with, the details won't help you but strengthening your resolve that you will not put up with being cheated on will. Get angry, it will get you through this a million times better than giving in to feeling hurt, that can come later. I think you can ask him not to come home, tell him you need a couple of days to get your head around what he's done, he owes you that much at least. Use that time to get as much info about his income and assets photocopied as possible and see a solicitor asap. You've said yourself you can't stay with him so the important thing for now is to protect yours and the DC's security, concentrate on that for now and lick your wounds later. It sounds harsh advice and I know it will be hard when he's just blown your world apart but you won't regret taking this approach, it will get you through the worst bit without focusing on how devastated you must be and put you in a stronger position to look after yourself and DC. Sending you love and strength to get you through, you can do this Flowers

GlitteryFluff · 15/09/2016 14:35

I'm so sorry.
What an arse.
I have no helpful advice but wanted to say that you do not have to stay with this man. You deserve better than that. He's not even sorry and he'll do it again. Start working out how you can leave.
You can leave. You can do this.

Fidelia · 15/09/2016 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/09/2016 15:34

I think the need to ask these questions is because you want to make sense
of it all, understand, figure out what happened, solve the problem etc.

Don't let this take your energy away from what really needs doing at the moment.

Iamdobby63 · 15/09/2016 15:36

I agree, tell him you need space to think, he needs to stay elsewhere.

He is very confident because he has made you reliant on him whilst not giving you any security. You have children together, he still has responsibility for their needs. Somehow you seem to feel you couldn't do any better, perhaps that's how he has made you feel?

Get some legal advice, quickly.

MaMaof04 · 15/09/2016 16:24

I am so sorry OP. I do understand the turmoil you are going through and the need to get answers to all kind of questions about this sad affair.
I think that you are in a better financial situation that I originally thought:
1- you have your own income
2- from various posts here it looks as you and your kids have legally some rights on the family home- what you called his house.
3- you also seem to imply that he is financially well enough to support all of you.

What I would beg to consider is to use this awful affair to try and:
1- convince yourself that you will be OK financially even if you decide to leave him (because everything indicates that this is the case.)
2- understand that you are not in his house but in your children's home and thus in your house.
3- make it clear to him that unless you have serious talks about it all and unless he shows remorse, willingness to change and improve his behavior you will go.

It seems as if you have empowered him too much. Time to empower yourrself and talk to him as equal to equal, and remind him that both of you are parents with the same responsibilities towards your kids- whether you are married or not is irrelevant. Legally and humanly.
IMHO it will be good if you stop calling your family home 'his house' or think about it as such. And of course you should chase the thought that you will not be able to find anyone better. Maybe this awful affair will help you rebuilding your self confidence and either change your relationship for the best - or give you the strength to leave someone who does not understand the depth of the hurt his stupid behavior caused you.
Oh dear I know how raw it is in the first days/weeks/months. But believe me it might strengthen you and positively transform you beyond belief. SO as at now what I would advise is of course to get some legal advice about YOUR home, and mainly to focus on yourself, reconnect of what you used to be, do things you used to enjoy before you started your relationship; and of course -last but not least- focus on YOUR KIDS and draw from them positive energy to keep going on. If the thoughts of him and the OW invade you- let them come, dont fight too much - but at the same do something you used to enjoy. Good Luck! Flowers

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 16:31

Thanks for all the advice but I have decided not to leave the house, it's where our children live and that's where they're used to living, I won't just up and leave.

I don't know whether he has done this on purpose or not, I've decided to not ask him any more questions it will only drive me crazy.

I will stay in the spare bedroom and only speak to him if need be.

OP posts:
Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 16:32

And no, I'm not going to get any legal advice, I don't have the energy for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 16:34

I also said I won't get anyone better because he has been so good to me, I won't find anyone else that has done what he has done to me, maybe in time we will be able to rebuild the relationship... I don't know.

Some of you may think of crazy, but I've weighed up the positives and the negatives.

OP posts:
Memom · 15/09/2016 16:36

So sorry he has treated you so poorly and has so little respect for you or your relationship. Please keep in your mind that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Tell the world what he's done. He deserves embarrassment. Be kind to yourself and take your time to make decisions that at best for you.

MoreCoffeeNow · 15/09/2016 16:38

You are giving him permission to carry on if you do nothing.

Desmondo2016 · 15/09/2016 16:42

Put your big girl pants on OP. Why are you so submissive to him?

adora1 · 15/09/2016 16:42

Jesus, anyone better than a liar and a cheat, good luck with that one.

I just don't understand why you are accepting this.

RedMapleLeaf · 15/09/2016 16:46

Don't hurry to make any firm decisions OP. I know you think you wouldn't meet anyone else so kind, generous, funny, young, whatever. Many of us thought the same when we were right at the centre of the storm. But we learned differently.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 16:49

"I will stay in the spare bedroom and only speak to him if need be"

That will not help you in the long run, I would seriously reconsider doing the above along with seeking legal advice. Your children will certainly pick up on the atmosphere in your home, they will know that something is not quite right.

You have received a huge body blow today and are still in a state of crisis.
He is not the nice person you thought he was; that man is now gone even if he did exist. I would not trust him at all to do right by you in the long run. Infact if the house is in his sole name he could be within his rights to ask you to leave.

If he wants out let him go. He is not worthy of you anyway. Do not try and rebuild this; he has destroyed it himself and by his own hand.

bumpsadaisy11 · 15/09/2016 16:50

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time :-( My first husband did the same to me & like you I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt & made another go of it. Yes it was lovely for a while, but because he knew that he could get away with having an affair without any consequence, he basically became a serial adulterer with no guilt or apologies. Be careful, don't rush into anything that you don't want to do, but I do know that you really wont be thinking clearly at the moment. Sending you a huge virtual hug xxxx

SarcasmMode · 15/09/2016 16:56

IT makes me feel so sad reading some of these posts where the OPs partner treats them like shit and they out up with it as they think they aren't worth it.

I just want to slap the nasty shit who would treat someone they claim to love like this.

RepentAtLeisure · 15/09/2016 16:58

Well, it's not going to help the OP to just pack her bags and leave with the dc's with no plan. Give her some time to think about things.

princessmi12 · 15/09/2016 17:05

Just wonder if condom wrap was planted into pocket by OW? It seems very careless of him himself doing it.

User7104 · 15/09/2016 17:05

Why do so many women go to the default "must keep this man" option.

adora1 · 15/09/2016 17:06

His attitude though is that of someone who couldn't care less so I am not surprised he left it in his pocket.

bumpsadaisy11 · 15/09/2016 17:10

I do agree with adora, the very least he should have done, is rushed round to support you, apologize, try & make it up to you!!! To do nothing & carry on at work as though nothing has happened is just cruel! Sad

loobyloo1234 · 15/09/2016 17:15

OP - you deserve better. You and your DC. Such a shame that you sound like you are going to accept this Sad Until the next time I guess ....

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