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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Empty condom wrapper

246 replies

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 02:11

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

OP posts:

OnionKnight · 15/09/2016 08:06

The posh wank is not bullshit but even so it's not looking good, you need to talk to him face to face.

Original poster

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 08:06

Maybe somewhere along the lines "I found a condom wrapper in your trousers, and I need to know where it has come from, because we do not use them"

He owns and sells properties and also own a taxi service.

He only has three employees, two males and one female, the female is maybe mid twenties, he is 39 so I don't think he'd go there.

He has a serious personality, never jokey, playful or silly, if he has cheated which I know he has, he will come clean.

OP posts:

Saggynaggy · 15/09/2016 08:09

Posh wank is not bullshit, I've done it many times myself.

Footle · 15/09/2016 08:11

Clutching at straws here but could he have picked the wrapper up off the floor of one of his properties while showing clients round it ... ? Hmm.

Catsize · 15/09/2016 08:12

OP, the sentence is too long and gives him time to think. How about 'I have found this' and present Exhibit A. But please do it in person or you will never know.

Klchi · 15/09/2016 08:17

I agree with cat size. Shown him the wrapper and ask him short and quick. I hope there's a reasonable explanation for this.

maddening · 15/09/2016 08:19

If you slide the screen on his phone it gives you an option to try a PIN number or password depending which he chose - he may have used something obvious

Jasonandyawegunorts · 15/09/2016 08:19

This happened in an episode of one foot in the grave once.... Turned out Victor Meldrew found it while cleaning up his garden and put it in his pocket.

greenjojocat · 15/09/2016 08:21

When I was mid 20s my then partner was in his 40s so I wouldn't rule her out.. You need to see his reaction when you ask so I'd wait until you're face to face. big hugs

Jasonandyawegunorts · 15/09/2016 08:23

I used to use the free condoms school used to give out to make balloon animals... Just throwing it out there as a possibility.

Huppopapa · 15/09/2016 08:25

Whatever you do, do the best for yourself. There is a tendency on MN to think in black and white, most obviously in this area - if he has a shag, leave him. I'm a family lawyer and for no other reason than that over 20 years I have seen the suffering that can arise from breakups, I urge you to weigh the consequences of ending the relationship against the wholly rational wish to act on your appalling hurt.
Some relationships cannot be saved. Many, many should not be saved. But some can be and should be. Dishonesty and infidelity are terrible, terrible things, but occasionally they can lead to the rebuilding of the relationship on a more open, equal and stronger basis.
If you must split up, do it well. But don't assume it is the only way and DO NOT allow anyone else to tell you what ultimate decision to make.

KitKat1985 · 15/09/2016 08:26

You need to ask him. It isn't impossible he has obtained it without cheating (posh wank, larking around at work, picked it up from the bottom of one of his taxis) but without asking him you will never know.

SauvignonPlonker · 15/09/2016 08:30

It will just eat away at you if you ignore it. By all means take a day or two to gather your emotions & get ready to confront.

Reading through your posts, I'm guessing you have low self-esteem? You can do a whole lot better than a man who cheats (if that's what's going on).

PushingThru · 15/09/2016 08:30

How do people know about their partner's wanking habits? Ugh. Does he know about yours? Grim.

Helenluvsrob · 15/09/2016 08:47

Have you even asked him about it?

Jessbow · 15/09/2016 08:47

If he is as clear cut as you say, I'd guess it was litter from the floor of one of his taxi's. Perhaps a fare dropped it there, he picked it up and stuffed it in his pocket

Fidelia · 15/09/2016 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luvjubs · 15/09/2016 08:51

Call me cynical but it looks dodgy op, sorry . Instead of clutching at straws I like to look at the probability of the situation and use that alongside facts.
I would also say that classically, a man of he's age probably would go for a woman of her age.
If it were me I'd be doing some digging and searching you home while he's at work. Arm yourself and then confront.
You said that you won't ever get anyone better...that's completely untrue, please, please believe that.
What you do is up to you but I'd say that empty wrapper was used while he was unfaithful

highlandcoo · 15/09/2016 08:55

I don't think Footle's idea that he picked it up from one of his properties is impossible. Or on the floor of a taxi. It's the sort of thing you might do to avoid clients seeing it.

After all, if he was cheating wouldn't he be more careful than to leave the wrapper in his pocket? Also, would a man having sex really, after unwrapping a condom, find his trousers and put the wrapper in the pocket?

I'd be more worried if I'd found an unopened condom actually.

Horrible for you though OP and I hope you get an answer soon that makes you feel OK.

chocdonutyy · 15/09/2016 09:04

Sounds like he's picked it up from somewhere, whether its him that's actually used it is a different matter.
You need to find out for your sanity, Keep it short and simple and go by his reaction when you ask him.
Please don't ignore your instincts. I once found a used condom tied into a knot in exh's pocket, he explained that one away as a posh wank. I didn't want to believe he cheated just went along with his explanation although I knew the truth in my heart (did it as well as the other signs that were there) .
Should have left him way sooner!

isthismylifenow · 15/09/2016 09:05

You are going to have to ask him. Face to face if possible. Then you will get a better reading of his reaction.

Picking it up from taxi floor or an empty property does sound like a reasonable explanation though.

Footle · 15/09/2016 09:08

highlandcoo, thanks for that - I'd be so proud if my suggestion helped to save the OP's relationship !

isthismylifenow · 15/09/2016 09:11

Just wanted to add in here that what seems to be isn't always the obvious answer. I helped out a family member with some office work, and her husband had been away. I was processing the receipts from his trip and on one of the slip was a purchase of condoms. I really had no choice but to say something as his wife was sitting next to me and asked me what was wrong. Anyway, long story cut short, he had a habit of picking up other peoples receipts that had been left behind. If I had looked a bit more closely, I would have seen straight away that there were two receipts for the same shop, one about 2 or so minutes before the 'real' one... which was what he said he had bought when she questioned him about it. I did feel quite bad, as I felt like I had caused an issue there between them.

dowhatnow · 15/09/2016 09:11

Ask him then trust your own gut instincts

WatchingFromTheWings · 15/09/2016 09:13

I think this sounds about right. Makes no sense that he'd go to the effort of hiding a packet in his trouser pocket....surely it would be binned along with the used condom?? The idea that he found it in a property or in a taxi seem plausible. I bet taxi drivers find alsorts after a shift, especially at the end of a weekend!

Maybe tread carefully when you ask? I understand you're upset (I would be too) but if it is innocent it could cause a whole lot of upset for nothing.

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