Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Empty condom wrapper

246 replies

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 02:11

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

OP posts:
RepentAtLeisure · 15/09/2016 12:25

Why would a 39 year old man not go near a mid twenties woman?

He probably told her he would never go for someone that young. Of course, we don't know he cheated with her.

QueenLizIII · 15/09/2016 12:26

Mid twenties and 39 isnt exactly shocking. Anyone here have a 14 year age gap? I'm sure Ive heard people on here talking of big gaps.

Fidelia · 15/09/2016 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Luvjubs · 15/09/2016 12:29

I have to agree with a previous poster who said that this is not the first time he'd have been unfaithful. If so, I wonder if he'll admit that too

shallichangemyname · 15/09/2016 12:35

Sorry to talk shop, but if you go down the legal route, please make sure your solicitor knows about claims under Schedule 1 of the Children Act - where I now live/work a lot of the solicitors have never heard of/have no experience of this and you may be told you have no claims which is plain wrong.

spangleknickers · 15/09/2016 12:42

I don't think OP is married to him? Makes a large difference but shallichangemyname is right about Schedule 1 of the children's act. I have been looking into that. As for becoming financially independent...that's very hard to do when the youngest child is only 10 months old! To earn enough to pay for childcare too? So sorry to hear that he actually has done this. I was really hoping for an innocent explanation. Hopefully he has rushed home to OP and is on his knees begging forgiveness. If he isn't, then he really does not deserve another chance and seems to be incredibly callous, which indicates a lack of guilt or a feeling of being entitled to both a lovely partner and mother at home, as well as a bit on the side. You must be devastated. Hugs

tessiegirl · 15/09/2016 12:49

Oh no, I am so sorry to hear this.

Did he say anything else? Did you ask who with? Have you heard from him since the call?

KitKat1985 · 15/09/2016 12:50

Oh that's crap OP. I'm so sorry. To be honest his reaction when you confronted him was very cold. Do you think he wanted you to find it?

Benedikte2 · 15/09/2016 12:56

OP whatever you decide to do, do it in your own time. You need to secure the future for yourself and your DC.
Collect evidence of your partner's assets etc , ensure you have as much money as you can etc. Even if you decide to remain atm there may come a time you need to separate.

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 13:23

I ended the phone conversation with him after he said it's on me, I just feel very numb right now, I don't know where to go from here.

I need to end the relationship, if I stay with him I am just going to be a nervous insecure wreak, he clearly doesn't care, he doesn't. He could have easily come up with a story or an excuse, and he knows I would have believed him because I know he doesn't lie.

Now the questions I need asking from him are

Where did you meet her?
How old is she?
What does she look like?
Where did you sleep with her?

I just can't cope right now.

I just can't pack up, take the kids and move out, I have no where else to go, I have my own income and he is very very generous he pays for everything and we do not share any finances.

Never in a million years would I have thought he would do this to me, and the fact that he doesn't care is just...

OP posts:
highlandcoo · 15/09/2016 13:35

OP I am so sorry. Was hoping there was another explanation.

Do not rush to move out. Do not make any sudden decisions. Do not agree to anything without consulting a lawyer. That is one of the first things you need to do. You have rights and as a mother of two young children you should not be leaving the house at this point.

It's understandable that you want to get away but sit tight for the moment until you know what your legal position is.

Do try to get some RL support if you can.

And look at Fidelia's post upthread. Lots of good practical advice there.

You are in shock so don't make any knee-jerk decisions. You need legal advice, support in real life and time to absorb what has happened and make big decisions with a cooler head.

Flowers
OnTheBr1nk · 15/09/2016 13:37

Wow. Must be so hard for you. Do you have a friend you can talk to about it?

Do you feel like it only happened once? Might be worth clarifying that too.

Desmondo2016 · 15/09/2016 13:40

You dont need to move anywhere. For now simply tell him he's not to come home tonight as you need some time to think.

Then you need to go to a solicitor. Or at the very least get some RL support around you. No big decisions yet. Just distance and time to get things straight.

Justaboy · 15/09/2016 13:43

I've had this happen too, Mrs "butter wouldn't melt in her mouth" was very very devious. I suppose at least he hasn't lied but cheating is still a hell of a shock.

I think that you should give yourself a little time before taking any hard decisions unless he's likely to turn violent but you'll know that better than any of us here.

Suppose also that you want to ask him what's been going on and then decide what your going to do longer term. I wonder if he's just shocked too at being found out and that's why he seems odd about it?.

Can't see why you have to move out after all he's the one who's wronged you. If push does come to shove and you do split is the house in your joint names and are you married or not, that can make quite a difference.

Not something that's on your mind right now I'm sure but.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/09/2016 13:44

Until,he proves otherwise this man is no longer on your team. Look after yourself and the children.

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 13:45

I do have friends I can speak to, but I'm just so embarrassed, they are the ones who come to me for relationship advice.

I don't know why he has done this to me, it almost feels like he wanted to get caught, I don't understand why he would put the wrapper in his pocket, I doubt that anyone here has been with a man and his put the wrapper in his pocket, it's usually left behind.

I can see myself getting really ill over the questions going around and around in my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 13:48

Now that I've found out I don't believe it was just the once, he may have been at it for a long while, it is his house so I can't exactly tell him not to come home, he will be home later as if nothing has happened.

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 15/09/2016 13:48

Do the answers to those questions really matter? Don't torture yourself with the details, it will just make you picture it more in your head and you'll feel like you want more and more detail.

You know he's cheated and feels no remorse. That's all you need to know to make your decisions.

highlandcoo · 15/09/2016 13:50

That's great that you have good friends. Talk to them. It'll be hard at first but it sounds as if you are close and have been there for them in the past so let them support you now.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/09/2016 14:05

Re your comment:-

"Now the questions I need asking from him are

Where did you meet her?
How old is she?
What does she look like?
Where did you sleep with her?"

Do not torture yourself with the above questions; the answers to those really do not matter, its immaterial. His actions are his to own alone, it was not about you or what you did or did not do. He is a cheat and has shown no remorse whatsoever for his actions. His response was indeed cold and calculating, its like he wanted to be caught and for you to decide what to do next.

You need legal advice and swiftly re your legal position going forward. He could well be within his legal rights to ask you to leave.

Talk to your friends and really you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Such stuff as well thrives on secrecy, start opening up to trusted people. This man can certainly no longer be trusted.

Original poster
2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 14:14

I know I would be toturing myself with those questions, but I need answers!

OP posts:
2littlepiggies · 15/09/2016 14:18

Ask him to move out while you get your head straight. Tell kids he's away for work. Get your friends round and get RL support.
Sorry op x

Justaboy · 15/09/2016 14:19

I'm sure you do all i wanted to do was to have a real set to with the other man at that time but it will clam down a bit as time progresses. I note you say that its his house but can you say are you married or not that does give you certain rights.

JeanGenie23 · 15/09/2016 14:20

Right now you will want answers to those questions, but long term knowing the intricate details will make no difference. He did it and didn't try to hide it. As much as humanely possible I would advise not to focus on those questions, think about yoursel. Can you go away for the weekend? Get some distance Flowers best wishes

FetchezLaVache · 15/09/2016 14:23

Don't ask them. He'll be expecting you to ask them and it'll wrong-foot him completely when you don't.