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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Empty condom wrapper

246 replies

2InTheMorning · 15/09/2016 02:11

(Name changed for this one)

Can't sleep - I found an empty condom wrapper in DPs trouser pocket, me and him don't use them.

How am I going to approach the situation? He will probably come clean, that's the sort of person he is.

I can't stay with him after this, it will only happen again, and the worst thing is I live in his house, we've got two children together.

I'm sitting here feeling very hurt, as there aren't any problems in our relationship.

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 15/09/2016 11:17

Another vote here for it doesn't quite add up, and that there could well be an innocent explanation.

neebie · 15/09/2016 11:18

Picked up rubbish somewhere? Long shot.

Jasonandyawegunorts · 15/09/2016 11:18

he has his own car he doesn't use taxis

people suggested that becuase you said he runs a taxi service.

GabsAlot · 15/09/2016 11:22

sorry op but he sound like he want the decision to be yours evein though its all his fault

hes not even sorry? ltb

SuperFlyHigh · 15/09/2016 11:23

Right then re your update I'd suggest ringing round solicitors today and see what you're entitled to.

Do you share finances?

You poor thing I'm sorry Flowers. Is there anyone you can speak to in real life? You will be fine without him though.

offside · 15/09/2016 11:23

I'm so sorry OP.

Do you think that he maybe meant for you to find it?

SuperFlyHigh · 15/09/2016 11:24

Oh yeah and re the non apology nor guilt then definitely LTB. Idiot.

QueenLizIII · 15/09/2016 11:26

he has said it is on me in what I want to do next.

In other words, if you stay, you're deemed to accept it and tolerate it.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 15/09/2016 11:26

Oh shit OP. I'm impressed he admitted to it which is more than I got from my ex, but that's horrible. He doesn't seem to grasp how serious it is at all Sad
I hope you're ok. From experience, I know I can't stay with someone who's cheated, but people do. Of course you will do better but I wouldn't worry about future relationships now. Money isn't everything and looks fade if you're worried about those things.
He says he won't do it again but if you forgive him, he probably will.
WineCakeFlowers

Everlongsleepy · 15/09/2016 11:32

Wow what a douche !
Perhaps his lack of a 'decent' response is down to shock at being found out and confronted
Hope u are ok xx

AyeAmarok · 15/09/2016 11:32

I'm so sorry OP, what a shitty way to treat you.

You say you won't ever meet someone as good as him, bit you will. This is not a good man.

The fact that he hasn't apologised and says it's up to you what you do speaks volumes.

These businesses and properties etc, is he self-employed? If so, you need to box clever as he might be able to hide his income to pay less maintenance.

Do you have access to finances and accounts? Is everything shared?

QueenLizIII · 15/09/2016 11:33

His reply sounds almost defiant in leaving it to her.

I've cheated, I'm not sorry, do your worst.

FetchezLaVache · 15/09/2016 11:33

Oh love, that's so cold! I've been following this thread and hoping there was an innocent explanation.

Are you OK? Have you got someone IRL you can talk to?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 15/09/2016 11:35

Wow that is cold. He doesn't love you. You need to leave, you deserve better.

ddrmum · 15/09/2016 11:35

So sorry OP, really hoped it would be an innocent explanation Sad Sadly, if he's done it once why wouldn't he do it again. He knew what he was putting at risk. For you FlowersCakeBrew

WhatWouldCoachBombayDo · 15/09/2016 11:36

Oh gosh I am sorry, I was going to say I'd found a empty condom in DP army uniform, but turned out they had done a survival thing, where you turn it inside out and use it to collect water or something.

The ball is firmly in your court now, I'd ring round some solicitors before I let him know anything, see what your entitled to and you legal rights to the property with the children.

Can you confide in family and friends irl?

Luvjubs · 15/09/2016 11:38

Sorry op Flowers

He said its up to you what you want to do next? Basically he's saying he's not that bothered and if you stay he will have the green light to do it again. Of course he wants you to stay. You are the female role in the house. He can also shag about if he wants to.
He should have flown home from work and begged for forgiveness! What a dickhead. You deserve so much better. Believe this. He is not the best you will ever get. Trust me. I used to think this and it's bollocks

Justaboy · 15/09/2016 11:40

Posh wank eh?, well if that's what its called yes bin there shagged my right hand;. Done it with a rubber a few tines sometimes to see how a particular type feels before real live use and sometimes it can make a mess so contains the fallout. Especially if you err, get turned on by someone other then your partner wife etc by accident.

Now that means if you don't use them for normal nookie with the other half then you have had to go out and by them which in this instance does seem a bit odd.

So where does that leave us?

If, his having a bit on the side and a 24 is she Y/O?, fine with a 40 odd year old its not beyond reason then he's being absolutely careless leaving the detritus of that around he would have had to get rid of the filled bit so where did that go and why didn't the wrapper go with it?.

Mind you he's got the opportunities and you say he deals with proprieties somewhere to go for this liaison perhaps or else it would have to be her place or the car or a hotel ?.

It might be that he found them in his cab after all he would be running couples back from a night out the man intent to have his wicked way with his girl so he would be "armed" and they could just fall from a trouser pocket no problem. If be pulled out his wallet to pay they could have come out noticed with him being so excited at having his end away hew was in a tearing hurry to lave the taxi,. Your OH finds the packet thinks haven't used one of these for years, might start playing, jus saying;!

So perhaps the latter? I doubt someone would leave a used wrapper in a car unless that was pulled out of a pocket by accident ?.

I'd wait till he gets home and explain he if there's was a real reason will come out with that right away if there was a dubious reason you should be able to tell?. Then trust that gut instinct that women seem to posses in abundance.

Ask to if you can have a look at the messaging on his phone if he's got nowt to hide then he will let you see that course if you call him at work then he's got plenty of time to make or dream up excuses and clear the phone out. He if he has been on the cheat may well have another phone somewhere?.

Me?, I'd think its was more than likely innocent or else he's bloody stupid leaving that evidence around after he's done the deed with another.

If he did find a used wrapper in the car what would have have done with it or if you were a driver what would you have done with it chucked it out the window or just pocket it after all you wouldn't want a lady passenger or any other seeing that in the back of your cab eh guv;!

Luvjubs · 15/09/2016 11:40

Tbh it sounds like he knows you have low self esteem and probably won't leave. He sounds cocky.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 15/09/2016 11:41

Oh God, yeah really cold. Do you think he left the wrapper there on purpose for you to find?

Justaboy · 15/09/2016 11:42

2InTheMorning Sorry just read the latest on this i started typing that out a while ago before i saw that so at least he's come clans and admitted it:-(

So sad for you.

myfriendnigel · 15/09/2016 11:45

Sorry op.
At least he admitted it.
If it were me in his position I would be on my way up wherever you are now to talk this through. Has he not even ring you?
Wtf is the matter with people?

myfriendnigel · 15/09/2016 11:47

Sorry op.
At least he admitted it.
If it were me in his position I would be on my way up wherever you are now to talk this through. Has he not even ring you?
Wtf is the matter with people?

scampimom · 15/09/2016 11:48

He loves you too much to lie to you?? But not enough to either a) keep it in his trousers or b) beg for forgiveness or, indeed, show any kind of shame, remorse or sadness at all -maybe because he's still in shock, but still.

Was really hoping for an innocent explanation. He'd come home to changed locks and his bags on the doorstep if it were me, while I tried to just get my head around what the hell to do next.

MoreCoffeeNow · 15/09/2016 11:51

So sorry he's such a shit, OP.