How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

[Betty777]

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

Agree. He'll leave at some point - or at the very least he'll keep threatening to leave. Just make sure that you do everything he wants at all times, without him telling you what that might be. He'll certainly keep you on your toes OP with all that second guessing, but hey, I'm sure he's worth it.

geez well thanks for the advice ladies!
I did come on here for help, was in shock and posting desperately in tears. Obviously a mistake.
Rather than genuinely trying to offer advice so many of you seem to have turned this into a forum to air your own shit and compare this to your own past situations. This one may be the same and we may well not work out, I can see that. But this isn't your own cheating partner so don't assume you know everything.
Sugarpie and SirChenjin your last comments are a but unnecessary 'OP why delay the agony, he will leave' Seriously? Because we have a child together, that's why I want to try. This is my life, not just some thread you are airing your arsey angry views on.
Maybe think about what you're saying when someone comes on here for help

I'd possibly give him a second chance on the understanding that he NEVERS holds me to ransom or threatens to walk out on his family over something that could and should be discussed like two adults wanting to reach a compromise.

His over reaction is worrying, especially as it's a deja vu from his previous marriage, I do hope it's not all a cop out OP, to get out of the marriage and hold you responsible.

It's actually pretty horrible to threaten to leave over something like this; it shows him in a very bad light OP, I hope you are savvy enough to see that he can't be doing this without it having a detrimental effect on the whole relationship but also your actual opinion of him and his worthiness to you. Yes sex is great, it's not the only thing you need to make a relationship work, kindness and compassion and understanding are vital, I don't see him showing you any of this, here's hoping he can change.

Betty - I stand by what I said, I'm afraid. I know that you want him to stay because you have a child with this man - but he is not extending you the same courtesy. He has got you over a barrel and will continue to exert that control over you because he knows that despite his awful behavior you are desperate to keep him and will do whatever it takes. If you think that is an arsey angry view then that's your look out - it's certainly not the way I'd want to live in my marriage.

Good on you Betty love.

Hi Betty777, I can genuinely understand how you feel. I wish you and your partner all the best in what you decide. I got roasted on here for the advice I gave you, I was only trying to help and was attacked for doing so. You are the most important person because it's your post and you are going through so much. I apologize to you if I personally caused you offense. I hope it all works out for you.

Diva you were actually helpful x

Telling you to have sex every day, whether you want to or not, is possibly the most unhelpful thing ever

What kind of man would threaten to leave his wife and child because he isn't getting sex??? I cannot get my head around that. How could he prioritize getting sex over his wife and child's happiness and security. So so selfish.

Betty, I hope you guys manage to come through this. I've only recently come on this forum and I've been shocked at how people's reaction to everything seems to be to leave the relationship, rather than work through things. I think people are bringing so much past hurt into things, and its not very helpful.

This is a thread that you are airing your life on, Betty.
All I am saying , is, get your ducks in a row.
We all wish you the very best, and understand that you have a child.
You must try to understand that we all have our own opinions, if you cannot accept certain replies, then stay away from forums.

Blue sky I think people like to talk about what they pretend/like to think they might do, but forget that in real life they may not act that way themselves.
And OF COURSE I'm not intending to solve this with sex. However somewhere along the line in my tired, grumpy, nagging permanently angry state I had probably forgotten to notice or think of him AT ALL and he is allowed to be insecure about the lack of affection. I can be pretty hard and cold myself and a reminder to try to be closer physically was actually helpful.
Life just isn't that black and white and its not helpful to pretend it is

I think it can be a positive thing for women to hear that it is absolutely fine for them to leave a relationship if they are being treated like muck! Far too often in life women are told to work at it, work at it, bloody WORK at it, while the men just carry on living their life of Reilly!

Sugarpie good point. I shouldn't have posted in the first place. Going now

Betty, I think that actually a bit of intimacy (and I'm not necessarily meaning just sex here), will actually make you feel happier in the relationship anyway.

Its a viscious circle though, because if you're anything like me, its hard to be affectionate when you don't feel loved and cherished back, and his ultimatum isn't exactly helping!

Do you have parents around, or someone that you can trust to have your child for the weekend, and you and your husband can maybe go away for the weekend. It'll give you a chance to prioritise on eachother, and there may be sex, there may not, but it gives you the chance to see eachother as lovers, and partners, not just the mum and dad that you seem to have become. If money is an issue, sometimes you can find bargains on Airbnb, or even if its just a travelodge, but just spend some time together. Make sure its for 2 nights, not just 1 though, so you can catch up on sleep the first night!

Obviously he needs to realise that he doesn't get a weekend of undivided time as a reward for being a dick, but if things have reached crisis point, then you probably need that time together.

As part of spending time together, you can work out together how you can fit some coupley time in your lives. Not sex at the moment - feeling coupley and loved will lead to you wanting more sex, but you are wanting to get the connection back between you first.

The more intimacy you can have in a relationship the better for it, I doubt anyone on here would advocate otherwise.

I'm afraid OP that you have turned our viewpoint of your OH's threatening into us being anti sex or anti men and I for one take offence at that actually.

We are not dishing any man who wants an intimate relationship with their partner, we are highlighting the concern we have for a man that is willing to walk out on his family, that was all.

I think you know deep down it's not right what he did to you but are now taking full blame for not paying him enough attention.

Your OP says:
he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc

Go figure.

I think if there is no sex or intimacy in a relationship, it is a bad sign, based on my own experience. I did not find my man child ex husband attractive, and never wanted to have sex with him. If he said to his new partner that we never had sex and weren't really a couple, just two people that lived in the same house, it wouldn't be "script", it would be truth. Whether tiredness, or lack of attraction, or resentment, no sex for most people is a sign there is a problem. And it is horrible to feel unwanted and rejected, it was one of the reasons I ended my marriage because even though I didn't want to be with him, I felt sad that my husband was with someone who didn't want to have sex with him. Only the OP knows what the dynamics are in her particular situation, and most of us could probably describe our lovely DP's in ways that make them sound like an absolute dick. And I agree with the person who said that the DH would be unlikely to still be trying to initiate sex if he was cheating - he would more likely want to maintain the no sex, in order to reinforce his self justification for leaving her. Less likely - not definitely not cheating.

OP you can work on your marriage together - if you want to and it is clear you do - without "begging" - that's not a healthy way for you to do it. Don't bend over backwards trying to please him.

I did come on here for help, was in shock and posting desperately in tears. Obviously a mistake.
Rather than genuinely trying to offer advice so many of you seem to have turned this into a forum to air your own shit and compare this to your own past situations.

Sorry about the nastiness on here. I too have noticed how very low, petty and insulting people can be simply because they disagree with something said or because they project their own experiences on to the poster.

There's a polite way to disagree with someone, but I rarely see it and instead you have people jumping down your throat.

Sometimes it's helpful to gain the views of those who have been in your situation, but it would help if it is done in a helpful manner and not filled with negativity.

That simply turns people away.

OP - Good luck and I hope your and your DH can work things out.

Adora -
I'm afraid OP that you have turned our viewpoint of your OH's threatening into us being anti sex or anti men
When did I do that? I think that was others commenting on here not me.

Of course I know what he's said is not right, he knows it too, that's obvious.
And I'm certainly not taking full blame, far from it. Previously though I was taking no blame at all and that's not right either.
Like I said, not black and white.

Yup, might be best if you name change when you to come to talk about one of these things that is fairly likely to be in your future:

1. when he leaves anyway
2. When you find out about the OW
3. When the requests for more sex include things you don't want to do and demands that you were nice lingerie/look like you're enjoying it
4. How your DC cope with an absent dad and 3rd/4th/5th families taking up his emotions, time and money

You are going down a very bad, and unfortunately well-trodden path here.

If he came to you and apologised for taking a bad tack- "more sex or I leave, like I did my first wife" then maybe you could have a conversation about getting the intimacy back, with both of you making changes.

But sounds like you're just swallowing the "poor man needs sex" line hook line and sinker.

I'm surprised at the number of throwaway LTB comments which people seem to handing out forgetting this is somebody's real marriage we're talking about.
My kicking off and leaving him without further thinking/discussion etc when this may yet be worth saving would quite frankly be stupid.
Yes I posted on a public forum, didnt know where else to go. But this being public doesn't mean you shouldn't choose your words carefully here too.

Well I am glad to hear that Betty cos I didn't pick up on that at all, it was like you were taking all the blame. How you get intimate with a person that threatens desertion, I have no idea. I hope he realises what a knob he has been and he's not repeating history here.

Wish you luck, I do really.

There's a lot of projection on this thread!

I don't think it's uncommon for couples to have to 'refind' each other after children. I remember after DD2 was born have similar issues. I was a mum first and everything else came way down the list. No unsurprisingly this hurt my DH. I adjusted and so did he, we learned to be a couple again. That baby is 16 now and we are still together and happy. We've been together for 20 years, so it can be done.

My mother, however, has always insisted that he will leave, have an affair etc etc. She has been married 3 times now- she projects her experiences/relationships a lot too! The common factor, of course, is her...

Although in this case, user1471437350, it's the husband who has form for bailing on marriage.

Barbarity - I wouldn't need to change my name if I came back, as I've nothing to be ashamed of - it may well not work out and I've never said I thought it would, only that I would try.
Just commenting at the nastiness here.
And you needn't sound so gleeful by listing the ways my marriage may fail