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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

274 replies

Betty777 · 12/09/2016 19:29

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

OP posts:
Badders123 · 13/09/2016 20:58

Also....be prepared for the next bit...
"You trapped me"
"I never wanted children"
"You've changed"
:(

Badders123 · 13/09/2016 20:59

I'm not sure is actually possible for you to look more of an arse, rack.

rackhampearl · 13/09/2016 21:00

Haha ruthless Badders

BabarityOfRoses · 13/09/2016 21:07

Rack missing intimacy in a relationship is a reason to talk to your partner about how to restore the intimacy.

It's not a good reason to threaten to walk out on a new mum and a new born child (for the second time- he's done the same to a previous wife & child).

Blueskyrain · 13/09/2016 21:31

Wow. Yes he approached this in completely the wrong way, but you can't blame the man for wanting a bit of intimacy and sex. It's an important part of marriage. They both have a responsbility to nurture their marriage, and it sounds like neither of them are doing that at present. I have no idea how things like this can creep up on people - he's your husband, talk about sex, keep an open dialogue about these things.

From what you've said its difficult to know really who is in the 'wrong' here (aside from approach he's taken which is very wrong). If he's after it every day, doesn't do anything in the house, and you are run ragged with a small child, then he needs to understand thats not on.

But if his request is more like sex once a week, he does help out as well as working, you are a SAHM, and you aren't absolutely exhausted, then I have a lot more sympathy with him. Too many people let sex slip too far down the priority list when they have kids. Your relationship, your marriage is still amazingly important, and your spouse should be there when all your children have left. keeping a strong marriage is one of the best things you can do for your kids. So go on date nights, rope in friends/granparents to have baby overnight, nurture eachother. If you both want your relationship to succeed, you have to both put the effort in. If he's not interested in that, then I take back everything I've said here.

HerRoyalFattyness · 13/09/2016 21:47

Have you read the thread? Op is left doing everything while he makes no effort to spend any time with her and is doing the exact same thing and saying the same things he said to his ex wife when he upped and left her with a baby.

BeMorePanda · 13/09/2016 21:52

OMG this thread! Confused

Kr1stina · 13/09/2016 21:55

i always wonder if it's one alien in many forms. Or lots of different ones .

How they know where to land ? Do they communicate with each other and formulate a plan ?

Why do they want to invade other planets ?

Blueskyrain · 13/09/2016 22:08

Have you read the thread? Op is left doing everything while he makes no effort to spend any time with her and is doing the exact same thing and saying the same things he said to his ex wife when he upped and left her with a baby.

Yes I've read the thread. No it doesn't change my opinion. And I reread Betty's posts just to be sure what she did and didn't say about who does what!

What we KNOW: They have a toddler. Her partner works, and works very long hours, she feels like he's always at work.

What we DO NOT Know: Whether Betty works, whether its FT or part time, what childcare arrangements they have, who does the cooking and the cleaning. Whether they have any help for that. How much her partner does with the family, and domestically when he's not working.

It may be that he is a prehistoric oaf who wants his dinner on the table every night, he may not be. People are making huge, huge assumptions about what he does, just on the basis that he works long hours. We know that they've recently bought a flat that is quite expensive for them - we don't know if he's working all hours to keep a roof over their heads. Equally, he might just be being avoidant. The point is, Betty doesn't say.

We don't know that Betty is exhausted.
We don't know that Betty doesn't want sex because her partner does nothing in the house.
We don't know how much of a disparity of interest in sex there is.

Blueskyrain · 13/09/2016 22:21

Fundamentally, to answer the question, to save your marriage you need to have a really good chat about this, to acruelly try to understand each others needs, worries, and work out a way to nurture each other so that you bothfeel valued and loved.

PushingThru · 13/09/2016 22:22

Read the very first post again - for goodness' sake.

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 22:26

Betty yesterday:
he's been married previously (quite young) and ended it suddenly for similar reasons, (...) I can't magic up a libido when I'm bloody tired from work/ baby/ laundry

Joysmum · 13/09/2016 22:32

but you can't blame the man for wanting a bit of intimacy and sex

There's a big difference between intimacy and sex.

There's no intimacy as he doesn't want to be at home, but then he still wants sex. My DH and I wouldn't have sex if we didn't have emotional intimacy. There's no way I'd want to and no way he'd want me to do something I wasn't feeling.

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 22:38

Betty, OP:
I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out
So no, he's not "willing to put the effort in", unlike OP. He says "life is too short".

This reminds me of that old phone game where rabbits pop up out of holes and the faster you hit them on the head the faster more appear.

Hope you sort yourself out somehow OP.

Original poster
Betty777 · 13/09/2016 23:02

Wow. I have never posted here before and had no idea the thread would turn into this. I said earlier that I was leaving as comments/'advice' didn't feel helpful but now I feel responsible for this nasty thread.

FYI - we've had a decent conversation tonight. Nothing conclusive but feeling closer, seems willing to try.
I do work, parttime. My salary goes on nursery mostly. He's good with the Dc but not here as much as me and therefore doesn't know details of everything so not as involved. I do the laundry and he's a better cook than me. We have almost no family to help but a cleaner once a fortnight. Any other details you need?
I have been a bit/ completely absent with my affections for a while now and didn't realise the effect it was having on him. No excuse at all for his behaviour - but he hasn't acted on that yet so we will see. I realise that sounds very forgiving but maybe I am after all - surprising me how much I want to keep him, for genuine reasons not pathetic ones. I know I've not given enough detail here to make that sound valid and he does sound like a total cock.
We will see.

OP posts:
Blueskyrain · 13/09/2016 23:02

OK so one mention of "I'm bloody tired from work/ baby/ laundry" and you magic up a scenario of what she does and where he's deficient.

You don't know why he works so many hours, so to presume that is the reason there is no intimacy is again just creating a story.

The OP wanted to know how to save her marriage. Compromise and communication are the keys.

Trying to get her to leave the relationship, when that's not what she wants, based on your assumptions is awful.

Blueskyrain · 13/09/2016 23:07

My lady post crossed either yours Betty.

I'm glad you've had a chat. Have you worked out any sort if practical plan with him to get some of the intimacy back? I think feeling more connected as a couple will help your libido, though he nay not feel so connected until there is sex, if that makes sense.

He's not a monk and you're not a robot, but fundamentally, if you love each other and are both willing to make it work, then you've got every chance.

Hidingtonothing · 13/09/2016 23:14

I don't think anyone advised OP to leave, just not to allow him to walk all over her and hold her to ransom. Most advice around them splitting was based on the fact that he had said he was leaving, no one 'tried to get her' to leave him. Regardless, I hope you can reach a compromise you're both happy with OP, just make sure you are not the only one compromising.

timelytess · 13/09/2016 23:21

foul mouthed lower class harridans
Did someone call?
Am I too late?
Did I miss my opportunity?
Sad

Hidingtonothing · 13/09/2016 23:26

You did I'm afraid, you are not, on this occasion timelytess Sad I for one intend making a point of displaying my foul mouthed lower class tendencies at every opportunity though, feel free to join me Grin

timelytess · 14/09/2016 00:08

Ah, feck. Untimelytess is it? Allow me to belch my discust at this situation, I can't fucking bare it, its a suppurating boil on the arse of fallen nun, I cunt be discrete about it, there's nothing in my chester draws, and I had to cue all day to get them. I could of gotten pom bears and naice ham... sorry, what were we saying? Oh, yes. The OP wants to keep him. I remember being in that position a couple of years before the divorce was finalised...

ravenmum · 14/09/2016 00:11

Guess that a "lady post" is autocorrect for "last post ", rather like the idea of ladyposting though.

My personal advice, that if they are adamant they are leaving there's not much you can do, isn't meant to be as negative as it might sound. It just means that sometimes it is really not you or even the problems they are blaming you for that are the issue.

Even if sex is the reason, don't feel like it is all your fault. Remember that he too should be considering your feelings and needs. It is not all about him.

Hidingtonothing · 14/09/2016 00:18

Foul mouthed and lower class indeed tess, keep it up Grin

isthismylifenow · 14/09/2016 08:06

Well, all the best OP. Hopefully we won't be seeing you back here again.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 14/09/2016 08:38

OP, why delay the agony.
This man will leave, be prepared.