How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

[Betty777]

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

Babarity doesn't sound 'gleeful' - she is merely pointing out what is likely to lie at the end of that well-trodden path. If you're willing to take that risk then good luck to you, but there's a wealth of experience on here from people who have been fed the same line you are, to those of us who are in long term marriages to really decent blokes - it's a shame you're focusing on the ones who are telling you what you want to hear., which is effectively - it's your responsibility, you're in the wrong to have shut him out, have more sex and your man won't stray.

OMG I can't believe I just read that in 2016 - have more sex or your man will stray - what are men animals or something who can't subdue their wayward genitals?
I would expect my husband to actually notice that I'm terminally exhausted and help not act like a dick. If he stops acting like a dick he might get more sex. It sounds to me as though Betty's husband seriously needs to grow up. I wouldn't want to be married to a giant toddler who never stops making noisy demands. That isn't my idea of an equal relationship but more of a way of breeding long term resentment.
Quite honestly I don't know what the solution is, I would not tolerate it myself.
I think you need professional help and counselling Betty in order to move forwards even if you go on your own at first.

When I was younger I got given one of those marriage/sex advice books from the 1920's. It basically said that we should use sex until we have children and then the man will be trapped so we don't need to do it (hideous thing that it is, lol) any more.

The attitude of most people here seems to not have changed.

Its a marriage between two adults. Its normal for sex to be a part of that. If there isn't sex, then the parties should be able to discuss it - albiet not in the way that the OP's husband did here!

No one is suggesting that sex on tap is the answer here, but he is not unreasoanble to want some sex with his wife! It is unreasonable to expect him to stay in a sexless marriage, getting more and more frustrated. Thats no more a marriage than expecting it on tap.

I think a lot of people here seem to have major issues with accepting that sex is an important part of marriage with or without a toddler. I really wouldn't like to be married to many people here, especially if any complaint over it (albiet the husband did NOT go about this in a good way at all), is met with swearing at him, and saying she should leave.

Absolutely nonsense Blue - no-one has said that they don't accept that sex isn't an important part of a marriage. Read the thread - read what has actually been written, rather than twisting and interpreting posts to suit your argument.

The issue is that he said he would leave as he wasn't getting sex, just like he did before. He could have suggested some way of making time for intimacy and changing HIS lifestyle, but he didn't. The onus is on the OP to change. Sigh...it is really sad that women believe that men have entitlement to sex and their wives' bodies. They DON'T.

Blue, you talk some BS.

Betty,
I've been a lurker on this forum but had to sign up purely to respond to your post!
Some of the comments on here I think are ridiculous assuming your DH is a terrible person for this!
Just because other posters have found out their partners are cheating don't let them put it into your head that that must be the reason he wants to leave - men do leave unhappy relationships too!!

Now I'm not married yet however if your DH has stressed that he's unhappy with the amount of sex you have and doesn't feel close multiple times then eventually he either has to deal with it or leave, if you haven't changed anything then what other choices does he have? (Apart from cheat but why would he be trying to talk to you about his issues?!)
So I don't think that's unreasonable of him or makes him this terrible person like posters are suggesting!

I agree with what another poster said about seeing if he can compromise and take some things off your hands so you are less tired, or get a baby sitter so that you can spend some quality time together.
I personally would make more of an effort to make him feel wanted again as he's self esteem might be low due to feeling like you no longer fancy him. So I don't see it as a bad thing to "service his needs" he is your husband after all and if your sex drives are mismatched it will take effort to get them on a similar level! So that might mean making yourself get in the mood for sex, as once you start you'll get into it and enjoy it - it's just the initial part of allowing yourself to get in the mood for it!
I think people usually cheat when there's issues and they're unhappy - usually to do with sex IMO! So if he's being honest with you then just try to work on what he needs more of etc, if you're making the extra effort and he still wants to leave, then let him go!
To the women saying he's a selfish horrible prick etc and you shouldn't have to have sex with him - no wonder your husbands left for another woman!

OMG, this just gets worse....service his needs if you don't want to, I am actually ashamed of the female gender, shocking.

Sweet, your name defies your post, it should be Sour.

OMG, this just gets worse....service his needs even if you don't want to, I am actually ashamed of the female gender, shocking.

Sweet, your name defies your post, it should be Sour.

To the women saying he's a selfish horrible prick etc and you shouldn't have to have sex with him - no wonder your husbands left for another woman!

You sound about 12 years old.

"service his needs"

Good grief, has MN been hacked by the Mother's Christian Union from 1953?!

*but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc

He is pretty suddenly final about things - he's been married previously (quite young) and ended it suddenly for similar reasons

I can't magic up a libido when I'm bloody tired from work/ baby/ laundry*

Well tough, he's way more important and you must service him now!

by the way, "service his needs" was me taking the p* out of previous posters. Not 12 no, but I don't think a man should stay with his wife if he is unhappy, for whatever reason, and if his wife makes no effort to change that. Far too much old fashioned girl power going on here 😂

This is for Betty777, if if you ever come on here again. It's just that I've been debating whether to share this or not but here goes. I'd been through the exact same thing as you. We had two toddlers at the time. It was freaking painful to read your post, it brought back a lot of stuff I didn't want to revisit. I'm getting upset even writing this. Anyhow. We communicate now a lot more and I love my husband and he loves me. There was nobody else, no other woman, I suppose he was sick and tired of "rubbing them out" for himself, a bit crude, I know but what can I say. And you guessed it, he wanted me, more sex, he was desperate, I was wrapped up in the children and everything else that goes with them. Tired as hell, no libido. Sex was the very last thing on my mind. A little worse than you, I was suffering depression, and on medication for it. Those times were horrific. We had a long discussion, and gradually everything began to change. And no my libido didn't suddenly spring into action, so that I could pleasure my husband whether I wanted it or not, as some have suggested on here, but now we were able to communicate and still do to this day. And yes he was a complete prize Pk, and in my mind completely unreasonable, but by the same token I was a complete bh, to him, rejecting him, treating him badly, he then in turn treated me badly. We were well matched for being horrible to each other. Let him off the hook, I felt like throttling him. We now have a brilliant marriage with lots of intimacy. Our children now joke with us to keep the noise down or get a room. Hope sharing this helps you even more. That's all I have.

*And for the record I'm not replying to any hate comments on here, just to Betty777 as she's the one living this at present. So if you've nothing constructive to say, at least have the common courtesy not to say anything.

and if his wife makes no effort to change that

And his wife should be the one to change that because....?

If you were unhappy with an aspect of your relationship which is something you can both compromise on, and your husband made no effort to compromise, you either have to accept it or leave no? Or try to encourage him to meet in the middle! I'm not suggesting OP have sex whenever he wants it, but I suggested her to make more of an effort to get in to the mood and make him feel wanted, even if it's simply in an affectionate and not sexual way.

This thread reminds me of the age old issue that women should cover up, less we entice the poor man and he has to fuck us against our will because he can't help it or control his penis. Lie back and think of England indeed.

And it's the woman's job to encourage a husband who is complaining he isn't having enough sex, is never around, and who has already said he want to leave (a second marriage) to stay, and to make more of an effort to make this man child feel wanted because...?

There has to be more than just sex in a relationship, what happens when you hit the menopause and don't want sex then?
Both parties have to be prepared to discuss this stuff, me and my husband talk non stop about our relationship - well more him because he is more insecure than me, but we discuss it.
If one party won't talk I do not know how a problem can be resolved.
By bullying? I really don't know.

Because the OP said she wants to save her marriage?!
If she explained to him he needs to make more effort too and to spend more quality time together, maybe the other stuff will fall into place and they can resolve their issues.
The OP said he's always working, and people instantly say he's got another woman on the go, which I think is very unfair! How about thinking that he might be working hard long hours to support his family??
I think it's sad to automatically assume the worst without knowing the full story, op had made it clear he is not a prick like most are suggesting, so I don't understand how people off the internet think they know him better than she does.

Why are the posts emphasising women's full bodily autonomy called hate posts, but those calling for women to subject themselves to unwanted sexual activity seem to be considered all supportive and lovely????

Everyone telling the OP to have more sex is really missing the point, her OH has said he is leaving, he has not discussed it or even given her a chance to make anything right, all he has done is laid all the blame at her door.

A decent guy with a wife and kids would not do this, unless of course it was an excuse to go (just like he did in his previous marriage)......a decent man would sit down with his wife and work out a compromise, nobody whether male or female should be forced into having sex against their wishes, there's nothing more degrading.

Yes a couple should have regular sex, it's good for a relationship but not when they have been threatened with someone leaving them over it, without even a discussion or a heart to heart.

If she explained to him he needs to make more effort too and to spend more quality time together, maybe the other stuff will fall into place and they can resolve their issues

Now you're getting there Sweet - do you see how it becomes a joint approach when you word it like that, as opposed to something that she alone has to fix and make better from her position on her back?

I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.

Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out.

I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through. I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough

Nothing above suggests he's even interested in meeting half way, the OP is doing her best and imo too much, he sounds positively cruel to me.

Yes but if the op is saying he's a great guy etc then she can either let him leave or try to compromise on what is making him want to leave in the first place.
I just know that I couldn't be in a relationship with no intimacy or sex as it would lower my self esteem and make me feel unwanted, maybe that's a security issue but it sounds like that's what her DH is feeling. If my partner made no attempt to change things I would have no choice but to leave or feel trapped in an unhappy marriage.