How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

[Betty777]

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

Yes communication is key but unfortunately not everyone, men and women alike, are not great at talking about their feelings and problems until it could be too late.

Jesus, how many times, I agree sex is important in a relationship and without it, you really are just friends!

Sweet, you seem determined to ignore the fact that her OH has not compromised one bit, re read my last post with her quotes in it, it's pretty clear no?

It's quite clear that OP is in a state of panic, both from his threats and the fact he's done exactly the same thing to a previous partner, I feel really sorry for her actually that she is feeling this is a problem she needs to fix and he's without reproach....she has offered dates nights and has begged - he's still holding her to ransom, I really feel sorry for her, nobody should be put in that position.

or try to compromise on what is making him want to leave in the first place

OK, so maybe you're not getting there after all....

Sweet - you do realise that he's not making any effort at all here. It's not up to the OP to compromise, it's up to him to up his game. At the moment she's coming across as desperate to keep him and willing to do anything - almost begging him to stay. I feel really sorry for her - no-one should have to do this in order to make their partner stay.

it's very sad that people see self esteem as connected to sex. I don't think that's healthy in anybody or relationship. perhaps that's where the problem lies and maybe OP's husband needs some counselling or something. it all kind of reminds me of me when I was about 18, before I grew up (sounds negative but don't really mean it to be).

My DH and I have had five children in six years. Our little son passed away, so we suffered a horrendous and grievous bereavement. We both work full time. We have not been intimate in almost a year due to co-sleeping and exhaustion. Yet DH says, pretty much every day, how much he loves me and our wee family. He NEVER puts pressure on me....or threatens to leave if he doesn't get what he wants! Despite our lack of intimacy in the bedroom, we have the strongest relationship....we just love each other and are so, so happy.

OP, if you're still reading, don't give more of yourself than you are ready or happy to. Especially to a man like the one you described.

I think people usually cheat when there's issues and they're unhappy - usually to do with sex IMO!

I am sure that OP isn't going to come back to the thread now, but I just wanted to disagree with the above comment Sweet. People don't cheat because they are unhappy, they cheat because they can. I know plenty people who are happily married, but wouldn't say no to an offer if it arises.

Betty, I am not implying that your DH has cheated, there is a possibility that he has and this may have contributed to his current attitude, but then again, there may be other reasons for this... rejection and the fact that he has been pushed off his pedestal since the baby was born is also quite possible. If its the latter, nothing you do will change this. The dc aren't going anywhere for the next 17 years, so he either faces up to reality, or continues on his trail of destruction which seems might be a pattern.

I think people usually cheat because of their belief system , they want to have their cake and eat it and believe they are entitled to do so.

Honest people who want lots of sex with lots of different partners just stay single and have lots of sex. Or they have an open relationship.

They don't enter a mongamous relathionship, insist that their partner says faithful to them and then cheat on them .

That's not about sex, that's about power.

I

The thing is, Betty, you're struggling to save a marriage but your DH is so emotionally immature (going from 0 to "I'm leaving you, get a flat") no matter how hard you work you're just not likely to be successful. It takes two people to have a good marriage and nothing you've indicated suggests your DH has what it takes.

It's just a short thread. You've said there's more to him than what you've written. Perhaps he has hitherto unknown reserves of maturity and communication skills and everything will work out.

But for your own sake, look to how he treated his first wife and child and try to ready/protect yourself against the same treatment. Because unfortunately you and your child are no more special to him now than they were then.

Also I have to say I find people describing criticism of this man as "manhating" just baffling.

The overwhelming majority of men I know would never behave in such nasty, childish, cruel ways. Saying that this behaviour is abnormal and unnacceptable is not manhating. IMO, the real manhating is suggesting that this selfishness is a common male trait. It isn't.

One last point - Betty I actually think you're right to want to work on things and there is a chance still things could work out. But PLEASE you can't accept this framing that the big problem in the marriage is insufficient sex. It may be part of the problem but the greatest threat to your marriage right now is the fact that your husband doesn't understand what "true love" looks like. He doesn't know how to work hard or sacrifice. He doesn't put your sons best interests above his own. And he cuts and runs at the first sign of trouble.

There is a chance to work things out but you have to be brutally honest with him about how he's letting you down.

Sometimes these things are a vicious circle, lack of affection, leads to lack of sex, which leads to lack of affection and more lack of sex. Interestingly people always seem to say it takes two to save a marriage, but often it can take one person to end a vicious cycle and get things back on track.

Babies are often the trigger for the cycle in my experience. I'm sure if you had a solid marriage before you can work it out.

I hope you manage to work it out Betty.

Also there is a massive difference between someone who is generally kind mutually supportive and exhausted but says they are not ready for sex yet because life is getting in the way and someone who has withdrawn all affection and is basically emotionally checking out due to exhaustion

Great posts Hold

I agree that compromising is the key.

And how come if there is something a woman needs that the man isn't giving, for example not being emotional enough we expect him to change and make an effort, but for us to suggest OP makes some effort with sex it is wrong?

Everyone has different needs in a relationship.

Plus I always think once you get the balls rolling with more sex your libido increases and you want it/enjoy it more anyway.

Very true Apples. Think OP agrees anyway she just maybe worded OP wrong which got everyone fired up.

And if it was a woman wanting to leave a man cos of lack of sex and intimacy I'm sure she'd have a brigade of women agreeing that a woman deserves to feel wanted and has needs ect.

I don't think people are disagreeing with the idea that a complete lack of sex in a relationship (if that's what's going on) is an issue and can be worked on.

People are disagreeing that someone who is essentially throwing a strop about his needs not being met (let's ignore the OP's) and not talking about it with the OP like someone in a mature relationship, should be pandered to, flattered and mollycoddled into staying in a relationship they have already said they will be leaving.

Reading the OP, this wasn't something good he mentioned for the first time, and said he was leaving. He raised it 6 weeks ago, and it hasn't resolved. 6 weeks with an issue isn't enough to go around making ultimatums IMO, but it wasn't some out of the blue strop.

Meh, I don't think it's right for a guy to expect sex if his partner is exhausted and up with a baby at all hours, just to accommodate his needs.

But equally, expecting a man will stay in an unfulfilling and largely sexless relationship just because you have a child together is equally wrong. That's trapping him by obligation.

Both of those extremes are wrong in a relationship, and both will lead to bitterness. The middle route is to both be aware of each other's lives more, why they feel as they do, to keep aware if whether the the person is happy in the relationship, and both of you working to make the other person's life easier and happier. Both extremes are very selfish, and don't seem like a partnership at all.

That's right - and what you don't do is announce that you're walking out on your family (again). 6 weeks is nothing - you have to work at a relationship, and he's not doing that at all. Just announces he's leaving and she's left running about trying to make it all better for the spoiled child.

This man is immature and selfish - he has form and needs to learn to work at his marriages rather than simply walking out on them.

Hi I just wanted to tell you that you do not sound pathetic. Marriage takes work and effort and I applaud you for trying to work through it. I've been with my dp for 14 years. We almost split a couple of times before dd. But we have had problems since then too. Mainly me not wanting enough sex but that's because we weren't spending enough time together normally. If you aren't spending time with each other to chat, watch tv, eat together etc then you aren't suddenly going to want to jump on his bones are you? Could you have a night out or do something together? We find that helps and we are very happy now. However we will have a row every so often and I'll say it's over but I don't mean it. We usually sort it out the next day. It sounds to me like he has decided it is over though and there's not much you can do. I just wanted you to know really that you are not pathetic. Good luck x

Really to be up for regular sex with any partner you have to be content and full of trust and love for them, it's kinda impossible to have those feelings when you are being treated like a lesser person or having blame put on you - men who expect sex from a woman who they hold in contempt are the lowest of the low.

A real man would not want to force any woman into sex, it's meant to be mutual and borne out of pure love for each other, not some kind of entitlement by some dick head arsehole who thinks he's better.

Are men who expect sex from a woman they hold in contempt any worse than a woan expecting love, emotional involvement and financial support from a man who she shows no affection to?

Not that this was out of the blue and that he necessarily holds her in contempt. Or how she treats him.

6 weeks is not long enough to try in my view, but it doesn't sound like either of them actually did anything to try to resolve the issue. Everyone here is solely blaming him for that, but aside from a suggestion of date nights now (not 6 weeks ago when this first arose) there is no indication of what the OP or her husband did to try and change things in the 6 weeks, save for the OP thinking that its just a normal thing because of the baby and it would naturally eventually improve.

So to the people saying that the OP is doing all the running and compromising here, and he's done nothing, my reading of the posts is that neither have tried to deal with the issue of lack of intimacy.

Really? My reading of the posts is that this man is exerting a very scary level of control over the OP by telling her he's leaving whilst doing fuck all to address her feelings. She has suggested date nights but it seems to be falling on deaf ears.