How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

[Betty777]

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

Sounds like he is having flash backs to when his other relationship (where he had a child) started to break down and he thinks the same thing is happening so just wants a quick exit before it gets nasty.

He is saying you don't have sex enough, you are distant etc to make this your fault. For whatever reason he wants to go and he doesn't want to be the baddie. He's even made this about him wanting to have a good relationship. ...

Sudden change of character, acting like a prick, sudden accusations of wrongs which you have no way of righting, spending a lot of time at work. That's what I posted on here a couple of years ago. MN said it was the Script. And it was.

Have you spoken to his ex or only heard his side of the story?

Whatever, he's adamant and apparently trying to make it impossible for you to fix things. Sorry, but it doesn't make the best conditions for turning anything around.

No, Betty, he's not a great dad. He's a self-centred, immature person who is willing to walk out on not just one but two children because 'wwaaa! It's not all hearts and flowers anymore! What about my dick being serviced? Wwwaaaa!'

Go see a solicitor. There is nothing to save when one person has already checked out of the relationship because they're so insecure.

Well he is a lazy good for nothing dick head if the only reason he wants a divorce and to leave his family/baby is because you are knackered. What a turd. Is he an idealistic teenager thinking that marriages don't have periods of difficulty/busyness/stress? Ugh.

I'm sorry Betty, but I think he's lying to you. He's blaming you because it makes him feel better about cheating on you.

He is a prick, he's done it before

So things get tough and he runs away then throws money at it. Was he spoiled as a child? It sounds like he doesn't deal with responsibility and the hard work parts of life very well at all.

I don't think there's another woman but I do think he's a manchild that can't put anyone else's feelings before his own so mn wisdom is still applicable - get your ducks in a row and see a solicitor. Sorry.

He sounds very selfish and just like my XH.
Some men want all of the 'fun' bits of marriage - sex, going out as a couple, playing the 'fun dad' - but none of the responsibilities.
You can't make your marriage work all on your own, sorry.

Even if there's no other woman he sounds horrible
He'd pack this in because of a lack of sex? Plus the fact he doesn't seem enthused by a child he chose to have?
Sorry but I don't think he's a keeper.

A good father does not walk out on his child's mother because his dick's not being sucked as much as he'd like.
What the fuck is wrong with him?

Or is he simply trying to force you to service the dick more often via pathetic threats to leave if you don't?

Men place a massive amount of importance on sex. How often do you actually have it (sorry if that's too personal). My husband has a big libido and whereas mine used to match his, since children it has dwindled. Every now and again we end up arguing about sex, if we have it twice a week, he wants it 3 times, if we have it 3 times, he'll want it 4. It'll never be enough when he's in one of those moods. We have never come to breaking up but if we did, I just know it would be about sex. It controls his moods, if we haven't had sex for a while or if it has been dwindling, he will start questioning his life!

'Men place a massive amount of importance on sex. '

Some adults do. Others realise that in a long-term relationship, when there are small children, that it's often swings and roundabouts.

'It controls his moods, if we haven't had sex for a while or if it has been dwindling, he will start questioning his life!'

Seriously? He'd start questioning his life if you weren't servicing his prick often enough? He's an adult, there are any number of ways to control your mood that don't involve pressuring your partner to have sex they don't want.

We have never come to breaking up but if we did, I just know it would be about sex. It controls his moods, if we haven't had sex for a while or if it has been dwindling, he will start questioning his life

No it doesn't control his mood . HE controls his moods. And he uses his behaviour to try and control you.

It's not about sex , it's about control.

Ha ha X posted with expat

< waves>

My lovely husband who I loved so much said similar things to me, we were close and in what I thought was a loving marriage.

Found out he had an OW 2 weeks after he left

Threads like these are so sad. Trying to hang on to someone who just doesn't care, who sees you as an appliance there to service his needs, who can walk out on two kids without a backwards glance, just .

I had a boyfriend like this. I'm so glad I never had kids with him. What a jerk!

So he just got home and we had a chat. It didn't go anywhere good and looks like it's over.
Says he's been trying to convince himself for much longer than he's let on and he's tired of trying. I don't think he's lying, I don't think there's anyone else. I do think he's very very selfish for not trying to save us but pp is right - I can't save it if he doesn't want to.
I know he sounds like a prick but he's mostly not and quite amazing and I'm in shock right now. Only posting on here so that I have something to do to distract myself. My family is gone

Yes bearded I think you're right - but I feel pretty powerless to stop it

What you need to do (and what I didn't do) is get him out Asap. Let him know what he stands to lose, be steely strong and show him you mean business.

That way, he will fight if he wants to, but you keep hold of your self respect in the meantime.

And actually, before that, one thing I did do was photocopy all the bank statements and financial docs I could find and give them to a friend for safekeeping. Do that as soon as you can - take pics on your phone if you need to and email them to a safe account.

Let him go, and don't be shocked when in a couple of months he announces he's met someone..and nothing happened whilst you were still together.

Just to say it sounds horrible, and I agree there is almost certainly OW.

Detach from him, look up the 180, get on with what you need to do.

I know how devastating this all is, 💐

Jesus, what a practical but good idea.
He suggested we carry on as normal for now. I think there's a tiny portion of him that is unsure he wants to end it, but mostly he doesn't want to break it to stepson yet as would rather avoid the drama.
I don't want to be in this house solo though, would rather be the one to leave TBH. Maybe not that easy with a baby though.

I have no idea where to start. And I'm not even sure I can until I'm more convinced that it's definitely over