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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

274 replies

Betty777 · 12/09/2016 19:29

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

OP posts:
adora1 · 13/09/2016 16:18

He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc

Husky - do you honestly think this all lies at the OPs door? You can't honestly think that.

Nobody has said there should not be compromise in a relationship, it's the only way it works out long term.

Would you really feel like compromising by opening your legs more if your husband actually threatened to leave you and his children over it?

Maybe it's me, but I'd not want to be with a man that gave me threats like that especially when he's not even bloody around to do any compromising himself.

Hate to say it but posts like yours really paint a rather ugly picture of men in general.

isthismylifenow · 13/09/2016 16:18

There's a really useful part in the CAFCASS separated parents course that explains the change curve

NN I don't live in the UK, so was wondering about this course that you referred to. I see their site, but is the course that is something that is offered to you, or is their a link somewhere to download it? I think its something that might be quite helpful for me.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2016 16:21

Read the op, Husky. I see compromise from the op there. I don't see any from her husband.

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 16:27

OP: I can't magic up a libido when I'm bloody tired from work/ baby/ laundry
Poster: Why don't you try magicking up a libido?
OP: Oh yes, that's really helpful, I'll do that.

Either sarcasm or a real waste of everyone's time, surely?

Cats1ife · 13/09/2016 16:31

You said it ravenmum.

Hidingtonothing · 13/09/2016 16:32

I am amazed at how many people think that it's absolutely fine, to withdraw all sex and intimacy in a relationship

And I'm amazed at how many men seem willing to put themselves and their families through the trauma and upheaval of a split rather than address the reasons for that lack of sex and intimacy. Is it really harder work to do a bit more around the house and with the kids, to make more effort to give their partners some support and time for themselves than it is to leave, to have to move house, go through a divorce and build a new life?

Because that's usually the reason for loss of libido for someone with a small child, sheer bloody exhaustion. OP has already said she's shattered from work/baby/laundry and that he is 'constantly at work' so she's obviously not getting much any support but he hasn't even considered trying to address the work/life balance rather than jumping straight to splitting up as the solution to the lack of sex? Really?

It just seems ridiculous to me that OP is being advised (by some) to compromise when he's not being expected to change a damn thing and even more ridiculous that he thinks splitting up and all that entails is going to be less effort than taking his fair share of responsibility for making his home, family and relationship work.

AmberGreyson · 13/09/2016 16:41

u can't save 'cause he doesn't want, get a lawyer

HuskyLover1 · 13/09/2016 16:42

He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc

^^ This is where he needs to massively compromise. He needs to make time for her, do more around the house, and take the child off her hands, so that she can have some "me" time. The compromise has to be on both sides. Naturally.

If my DH had threatened to leave me, I'm not sure I'd feel like compromising, however, the Op wants to save the marriage and doesn't want LTB advice. She's not "there" in her head yet.

If any woman felt like she was simply opening her legs, to her DH, I would say, firstly don't even do it and secondly create an exit strategy, because the marriage is most definitely doomed once you feel like that.

ravenmum · 13/09/2016 16:47

Was OP told to LTB? I just said that as he has already made up his mind and does not want to stay with her there's not much she can do about that. He won't even give it until Christmas to try and make things better. Says life is too short! So much for compromise.

leaveittothediva · 13/09/2016 16:54

Wow, The language on here to describe sex really saddens me. Some women must hate sex and men so much it's a wonder, they don't just opt out of relationships altogether, it would be more honest. I'm disgusted by some of you and the fact you kiss your babies with your ugly foul mouths.

BabarityOfRoses · 13/09/2016 16:58

And I'm disgusted that you gaslight for abusers diva, but we'll let bygones be bygones huh?

Hidingtonothing · 13/09/2016 16:59

I don't think we do hate sex except when we're made to see it as some sort of bargaining tool to 'keep our man'. I don't think we hate men either, just the pathetic sort of man child who thinks not getting enough sex is best solved by leaving/threatening to leave rather than working on their relationship.

Costacoffeeplease · 13/09/2016 17:04

And some men, and the idea of having sex with them, deserve to be hated - when they're selfish, abusing, misogynistic twats

I'm quite disgusted by you diva - shrug

CalmItKermitt · 13/09/2016 17:08

I think that men (and women too) who are "romantics" are MORE likely to have affairs, not less.

The more realistic, practical types accept that it's not always hearts and flowers.

Romantic types are more likely to meet someone new, and be swayed by the attention and newness of it all. They're the ones who end up spouting nonsense about soul mates/we couldn't help ourselves etc 🙄

adora1 · 13/09/2016 17:09

I hate to say it OP but I think he is saying these things as an excuse to get out of the relationship and I think it's a very cruel and dangerous game he is playing with you.

I'm just saddened that you actually feel you have to do all the work here but I guess you're possibly in shock that the man you are married to would even come out with something so ridiculous........the next excuse will be, it's not you, it's me.......

adora1 · 13/09/2016 17:10

I for one love men and sex, what I don't like is men who pressure and threaten a woman.

adora1 · 13/09/2016 17:11

what the hell are you going on about Diva, kissing our babies with foul disgusting mouths and that's came out your disgusting gob btw....

Gawd, you must really hate women, that saddens me.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 13/09/2016 17:18

Some women must hate sex and men so much it's a wonder, they don't just opt out of relationships altogether, it would be more honest.

There isn't an eyeroll big enough.

You seem to have an issue with gender stereotyping. Men need sex and women should provide it, even though they hate sex? I'm genuinely surprised you're allowed out of the kitchen to use the computer.

Kr1stina · 13/09/2016 17:23

What hiding said

I was wondering for a moment if this was still Mumsnet or if we had been invaded by aliens

adora1 · 13/09/2016 17:25

I thought we'd been invaded by the 1950s - serve your man no matter what, he's way more important than you are.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 13/09/2016 17:34

Really sad thread Sad

leaveittothediva · 13/09/2016 17:59

Thanks for your perspective ladies, but I'm afraid your level of intelligence baffles me. You come on here to offer advice and your replied to by foul mouthed lower class harridans. I'm often professionally astonished by what men say about women, now I'm afraid they may have a valid argument. You and you like, give women a bad name.

BabarityOfRoses · 13/09/2016 18:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hidingtonothing · 13/09/2016 18:16

We give women a bad name?!!! If encouraging OP to keep her self respect by not having sex every day for a month with a man who has tried to hold her to ransom makes me a foul mouthed lower class harridan then I shall wear that badge with pride Grin Now please do FOTTFSOF, you don't belong here.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2016 18:38

Oh dear diva

You are a delicate little flower, aren't you ?

Now to get your world feeling OK again I suggest you tie that pretty ribbon in your hair, warm your hubby's slippers and make him a lovely sandwich. Then have sex you don't want. Aww, and they say romance is dead.