How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

[Betty777]

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

Update- he woke up this morning asking if we could make time to discuss this weekend (really that will be our first chance) I don't know if he's re-thinking but he seems to be willing to consider it.
I'm grateful for all the comments and I can tell some of you have been through similar, and worse I'm sure. As I'm not sure where my life currently sits I'm going to come off my/ here for now - I don't think all the negativity is helping my headspace.
I may have explained it poorly but he's not an absolute arsehole and I want to save this if I can. That must sound weak for anyone following but I'm pretty damn strong, just not giving up without a fight as I'm not ready. Thanks all X X
NB may be back soon for legal etc advice, but I'm not there yet!

Keep your back covered

Good luck with it all.

betty I know a lot of people have said there's an OW etc, and sometimes there is, but not always.

There's a really useful part in the CAFCASS separated parents course that explains the change curve, and how when one partner says they want to separate, they have already experienced the emotions of denial, depression, acceptance and have moved on to "action", which when they tell the other partner.

That person then has to go through the change curve journey themselves before they can also begin to act. Of course, the partner who instigated it wants to get on with it as that is the point they have reached emotionally.

That is what has happened to you. Your DH has been through those emotions. Now, you need to, before you can get to where he is.

Hi, Betty777, Now, it's just a thought but when I read that your OH said that you weren't having enough sex, your libido was low, but you thought everything was fine. Be honest, when he gets home and later may want sex, are you pushing him away or giving him the "I don't want to do it for but just get it over with sex". Because if this is the case, it is so easily fixed. Talk to him, ask him what he wants, mention sex, how much of it he needs, and reach a compromise. I could be totally way off, he may be emotionally checked out, but sex is a man's way of being emotionally connected. More sex=more connection. His anger stems from you not wanting him sexually. So he pushes your whole relationship away because as far as men's logic goes, there's nothing in it for him. Now don't get me wrong, he is behaving like a prize p*k. But if you both still love and want each other you may as well go for it. This child will grow up, and then what.? Put everything you've got into making it work. Don't worry, talking about more sex will get his attention, if it doesn't the others may be right, and he may have moved on. But he clearly doesn't seem happy about it, so I'm not convinced. I'd love to know how it goes. Try sex every day for a whole lot month. See how it goes.

Thanks Diva. That's one of the most helpful things anyone has said yet. He's said that that's exactly what the issue is and that is it - I will try to find a way to get more action.

Really? How about he takes some of the responsibility / wifework from OP so she's not so tired and maybe then they can both get back on track? Not have to do everything plus a nightly blowjob!

Betty - Please just be really careful. He is in a really strong position here - he can keep rejecting you, completely exploding your world, and then changing his mind. Checking out, checking back in, making sure you have no idea where you stand. He's done it so effectively that you didn't believe it was over yesterday.

Diva might be right, and more sex might be the answer - but that then leads to more questions. Would he really want to have sex with you every night if he knew you were just doing it so he didn't leave you? That's not love.

I'm very cautious about explaining things as being 'what men do', and 'how men think', too. He may have a high sex drive. I'm female, but I do too. I enjoy physical contact and am quite a hug-gy person. I would have sex at least once a day most days given the choice. I don't, because DP doesn't have such a high sex drive and whilst he would, I don't want him to have sex with me because he knows I want it. We compromise on him being open and giving me hugs, generally making sure that we both feel valued and loved, and it never really goes more than a week without sex - although I'm fairly sure neither of us count.

But if you both still love and want each other you may as well go for it.

It all hinges here. From what you've said, it's obvious to all that you love him and want to keep him. It's not at all obvious that he loves you. He's put you through hell - telling you it's over, discussing how to fix it, it being over again, now you can try again. He wants sex even if you don't. He constantly refers to you wanting your child, and him not, in order to not have to contribute to family life completly.

You keep saying he's a good dad and a good man, but compared to who? He doesn't sound like either. He does sound like a prick. You'll find it much harder to assess if he is, or if he is a good dad, because you've got history and emotions tied up in it.

Definitely try, if you want too, but keep your wits about you so he doesn't carry on the charade and then blow your world up. Remember that he was certain about splitting (even if you weren't), but wanted to keep the status quo for a while, presumably whilst he sets himself up elsewhere. It's very possible that his new desire to talk and try again is actually a cover up for him checking out more and getting his ducks in a row.

I hope it's not. I hope he's seen the light and doesn't want to lose you. History repeats itself, though, and so far, he hasn't acting very honourably.

I rarely reply to threads on here but come on. Why should the OP have to have sex on top of all the other crap if she doesn't want to? Keep your man by making yourself have sex even if you don't want to? I think that's terrible advice.

Basically....open your legs more to keep your man

That is the worst advice I have seen on this thread. And sad that you are prepared to do it, op.

Funny how these threads go. Almost like they've been infiltrated by MRAs or something.

Posted too soon.
OP has rejected all prior advice then when someone comes along and says 'get on your knees/open your legs more' OP thinks it's great advice.

Oh I dunno. There is a terrifying amount of handmaidenly manpleasing goes on out there. Most of it commences with "men need x, y and z" and end with "it's women's job to supply it"

Sickening. Even more sickening when women urge other women to suck cock to keep men happy

I am hoping that Betty meant that sarcastically, rolling her eyes whilst typing...

That's right, just lie back and think of England to keep a 'man' who is willing to walk out on yet another family because his poor peen isn't getting enough attention. I hope my daughter never ends up like this, I'll have failed her entirely.

Agree AF.

Diva - it's not often that I do a sharp intake of breath when I read a post, but honestly, that is both beyond awful and sad. Any woman who has to keep her partner connected to her by opening her legs for him while he's behaving like a prize prick is with the wrong bloke. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I understand the desire to save your marriage OP, I really do but this isn't the way to do it. You're basically giving him carte blanche to behave however the fuck he likes while you run around trying to 'make everything right' if you take Diva's advice.

so how much sex are you willing to let him have? Once a week? Twice a week for birthdays and christmas

will that be enough for him do you think? Or maybe twice a week...once lights off , once with the fancy undies on?

This is what your relationship chat is going to boil down to

If he is staying he wants to sideline your wants, your need to care for a child, how well or ill you are feeling he want's his dick wet and warm or he is off

Is this what you want for the rest of your life? really?? Servicing this prime piece of shit because (and it is right there in your first post) he feels YOU are not making enough effort for his liking.

erroneous apostrophe in my temper

He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc

So thanks OP, sorry our advice was so crap, how insulting and even more insulting that you think opening your legs more will keep your man happy, after all, this is all your fault? See above, how on earth will you do that when he's so busy doing cough, cough, other things?

Saddest post in a long time - any man who threatens to leave his wife and kids over sex is either a sad bastard and not worth having anyway or is in fact using that as an excuse to treat you like crap and do whatever he wants, looks like he's doing exactly that.

Find your self respect OP, and tell him to do one, what an absolute creep.

Betty I think the key word here is Compromise. And this can be achieved, I believe.

I am amazed at how many people think that it's absolutely fine, to withdraw all sex and intimacy in a relationship, and believe that the other Partner (who still wants intimacy), simply has to suck that up. And how dare the person who wants intimacy, actually say so. That's just them being a baby. Erm. No.

If you've previously had a good sex life, and then one person withdraws, never initiates, always says no to sex, then their partner has every right to challenge the relationship, and yes, to leave if they don't want to become celibate overnight.

I would not stay with my DH, if he suddenly withdraw all sex/intimacy with me. Because, I personally couldn't live like that.

I, for one, don't think there's an OW. If there was, he would have withdrawn from you, he would not want more sex with you, he would want less, and he would be gas lighting you. He's actually being honest with you and telling you what he's struggling with. It's not a crime to be dissatisfied with your sex life. He's not handling it well, by the sounds of it. But maybe you've had this "chat" many times, and nothing has changed? You don't say.

You don't say how often you have sex, how much you want and how much he wants? Why has your libido decreased? I am assuming it's because you are knackered, what with having a small child to contend with. That's pretty common. What can he do, to help you with that?

So, let's say :

• he'd like sex 3 times a week
• you'd like it once a month

If he takes x/y/z chores off your hands/let's you have a couple of lie in's a week, would that make you less tired/feel more rested, which could lead to you trying to be intimate say, once a week?

There are lots of Posters that would think that you shouldn't compromise at all. That you having more sex than you want, is just terrible. But this is your DH we are talking about, someone who you love and presumably still fancy, we are not talking about some random guy on the street. Marriage is full of compromises.

If you really can't face any sex at all/don't fancy him any more, then sadly it's for the best if you do split. But to me, it sounds as though you really do want to save your marriage. I read somewhere once, that the more sex you have, the more you want. Tracy Cox I think.

Good luck

Absolutely - compromise is the key word. Can you detail how the OP's DH is compromising?

I don't see " a lot of posters" who think you shouldn't compromise at all, but I do see a lot of posters who think that, based on the OP's description of this man child, sex is the last thing she should be offering as a means of keeping this unpleasant character who has decided he is leaving because he's not getting it often enough. He should be falling over himself to redeem himself and to apologise for his god awful behaviour.

I agree with Husky.

We all sometimes have to make compromises to have successful relationships, that is not the same thing as surrendering all your own wants and needs. Sexual intimacy is an important part of marriage, look at all the sexless marriage threads on here and how soul crushing lack of intimacy can be...however I have also been on the side where you are totally exhausted and don't feel in the least bit sexy.

I just think you both have to be honest about what you needsee and expectations are. My only caution is that this conversation should have been had 6 weeks ago, it is not acceptable to say we're over then try and open up a dialogue. Marriage and raising children can be hard, it's not all hearts and romance, it is not OK to throw the we're finished at the first sniff of things being hard.

Exactly - which is what this man child is doing. So he's compromising how, exactly...? And why is it down to the OP to compromise by opening her legs?

FFS, he's got form!

Don't send him on his way with a merry little fuck fest to stoke his ego so he can find victim wife number 3!

Or are you holding out hopes of sister wifing? Maybe you can have three/four/five in a bed romps holding Offred's little hands while he ploughs away at creating a five-a-side team!