How do I save my marriage? DH wants out

[Betty777]

DH raised this unexpectedly 6 weeks ago, says he doesn't feel the same way he used to, mainly that we're not having enough sex, but also that we're not close since the birth of DC (16 months) etc.
He's right, but he makes no effort to spend time with me, always at work etc. We were hugely close up until the baby, married 6 years.
I have found motherhood hard and my libido has disappeared, but things are a lot better, or so I thought. I just assumed this (babies) hits a lot of people like this and we would slowly but surely get better. He disagrees and says life is too short.
Anyway, he kicked off again yesterday and was pretty final. I asked if we could work on it until Xmas but I'm in shock that's he's so unwilling to try harder to work it out. I realise my begging sounds pathetic but I really think our relationship is worth saving and this is a blip and something we can work through
I've suggested date nights but I'm not sure that will be enough, fast enough.
Don't know if im just venting - partly. But I would live to hear advice from anyone who has turned around this situation. Anyone?

You sound very calm. I would be going absolutely nuts. You carry and give birth to his child and he can't bear to have his life disrupted even a small amount. Children are hard work and change things. I did not have any sex whatsoever for nine months after my first child. My husband said nothing bad about it at all. And equating the love/relationship with sex. He sounds like a teenage boy not a grown man. I don't agree with those who say it indicates he's cheating. To me it indicates that he's a knob. Sorry OP - you sound like you really love him but I feel bad on your behalf.

And I feel like I actually wouldn't be as confused and surprised if there was a OW but I really don't think that's it.
Thanks for your help everyone. Any practical advice as above welcome xx

make him leave. it shows you have self respect. its also the only thing that might make him wake up but I wouldnt rely on that part.

I'm not calm, just don't know how else to sound...... Feel like my world is gone

Sorry...I didn't mean to sound cruel - I really feel for you. It must be gut wrenchingly awful. I suppose I just wondered if you'd told him how immature he was and how good men (or women) don't just up and leave their wives/children for the sake of a bit of sex or even intimacy. If he's made up his mind, I would seek legal advice and insisting he leave. So sorry OP I can only imagine your heartbreak and for your child as well.

DO NOT let him carry on as normal - it will be torture for you whilst he gets to play happy families. (Believe me, I've been there.)
I know how hard it is to do it, but tell him to go. It's not fair to you or the children.

in terms of practicalities, why do you want to leave the home rather than him?

If it's because of the shared experiences there, I do understand that but moving with a baby etc might not be a good idea. One of my friends felt the same but she ended up just changing things, repainting the bedroom being a main one - and she bought all new bed linen and nightwear in a symbolic way, if that makes sense.

If you can move and you really want to then of course do, I just wondered if it was a kneejerk reaction to the shock.

one other reason he might dither is he might have pissed himself off in knowing what he's really like! He might have thought he was a better person!!

It sounds to me like he's fed up with family life more than you yourself. Really, really cross for you!! When someone's DH does this sort of thing it's a pity that DC are actual real people with real feelings who are really lovely instead of say demanding garden gnomes with high care needs because ... well you just sort of think that if some of these guys thought they were going to have to do the lions share for the next 16 years they might just think twice. Pfft, that's totally unhelpful. I think you need to act like you value yourself and you are a catch. Agree with PP's that say to do that you need to say you're not prepared to stay in the relationship if he's not prepared to try and make it work.

This is a big expensive house and the bank owns most of it anyway. Neither could afford to stay here.
We only moved in as needed more room for baby, haven't finished renovating

Thanks Bumdiebum that's actually a good idea to get me through tonight at least - if he wants to play happy families for a bit he has to actually genuinely try. I'm not deluded and I'm dubious it could work but at least then I may feel I did all I could.
I realise he sounds like a total prick but I obv can't and haven't given all the detail here to provide full picture. He's fucked up and being cruel but he's not a monster or worthless as a partner. Not making excuses for him just trying to explain.

ah well, in that case, I'd stay put for now, and then figure out the next step when you have a house valuation, presume you will get half or more?

agree with the poster who says it sounds like he doesn't want to do family life. This annoys me so much - I mean the whole mentality of "urgh, family life is hard". This goes double for him because he fecking knew already.

Don't these people think? Gah.

And on top of this the bloody baby is teething. Am going to try to sleep now before I get woken up at 5 to deal with my new reality

See a solicitor before you make any housing decisions.

What does "carry on as normal" mean ?

You try to be superwoman and show him what he might be missing? You take all the burden of shitwork and the crappy bits of childcare off him ? You suck his cock whenever he wants it ? You have sex you don't want to hang onto him ?

You will hate yourself when it comes out later he was shagging ow the whole time he was "confused" about what he wanted

Go read "Chump Lady". Then read it again. Then get busy. He is taking the almighty piss and every day you swallow this bullshit his respect for you withers a little bit more.

Start telling him what the schedule will need to be for him having your DC, and remind him that that will be time he spends doing childcare on his own. He will not be giving up on family life if he forces a split and you should make it clear he doesn't get to dump you with all the work, no matter if he thinks he can just hand money over instead. 'well, if you want to do your share of the parenting all by yourself, instead of as a team...' Make him think about that.

Remind him he will have 2x maintenance to pay

2 children to juggle access with

Zero sex

Nobody to cook/clean

A new home to find and set up.... Alone

Remind him he will need to explain to friends, relatives and colleagues that 'he's left you because he wasn't getting enough sex'

God, what a drab life ahead awaits him!

mumontherun - you know what, I wouldn't explain that to him in case he decides to stay in order to use OP as a housekeeper.

I'm sure he's thought of it anyway...but it certainly sounds like OP is better off without him if all he can do at this stage is whine about not enough sex.

I would give it a couple of days (and use that time to get copies of paperwork etc, just in case) and then tell him you're finding it too difficult having him in the house when he's decided he doesn't want to be with you and ask him to find somewhere else to stay. Be firm, even if he pulls the 'I have nowhere to go' line, and labour the point that it's him who wants out and only fair that he makes that as easy on you as possible.

I know it will be horrible being without him in the house you shared but just take it one day at a time, incidentally does he have family or friends he could stay with short term? I just think it will be immensely damaging to your self respect to allow him to call all the shots, if he really is quitting on your marriage he needs to realise he doesn't get to decide the time frame and do things at his own convenience.

I also think the sooner he realises what his life will actually be like if you split the sooner he will come to his senses if he is just having some sort of wobble. There is also the possibility that he's trying to hold you to ransom, that he thinks making you think he's going to leave might make you jump through hoops to keep him and give him back the pre-baby life he thinks he deserves. Making him leave would mean that plan had spectacularly backfired on him and that might be enough to make him accept the reality of family life instead of this idealised hearts and flowers fantasy he seems to be hankering after.

However this ends up I think it's incredibly important that you assert yourself now, there really is nothing to be gained by letting him hang around if he is going to ultimately leave, all that will do is sap your strength and mean you'll be weaker at the point when he actually goes. And the short, sharp shock of you making him go before he's expecting to have to might just bring him to his senses, either way it will be better for you.

Sounds like he's a serial breeder to me.

Finds a nice sexy wife to set up home with, has snugly fun time happy families. Then a baby comes along and it's not such a shiny sexy fun time any more. Sexy wife becomes baby mamma...

Rinse and repeat ad nauseous. I meant that as ad nauseum but autocorrect got it right, makes me nauseous. He'll only stop when he runs out of money, erections or willing partners.

I had a friend who was a porn actor (so no prude) who referred to those types as "the dreaded and deadly serial monogamist". He sincerely thought it was the most damaging and dishonest type of partner for a woman to have.

My heart goes out to you op
If he's already walked out on one marriage and child and is prepared to go through the trauma, upheaval and sheer crapness of it all again just because the rainbows have faded and his wife isn't on hand to service his every need then he's either a complete idiot, a total psycho or pathologically immature.
Any way round, you deserve to be treated better.
Be strong for your DC. Boot out your DH and call a solicitor first thing.

I truly believe that when it comes to doing the 'leaving', men don't generally do so unless they have someone to go TO. Or at least a plan in place.

Of course, not all men but in my experience, most who leave have a plan in place. Sometimes that plan doesn't eventuate and they change their mind about leaving but there's always something in play.

Don't keep things normal. Move your stuff into the spare bedroom tonight, stop cooking, ironing or doing anything for him. If he wants a separation he needs to move out as soon as possible.

What a bastard, I'd be thinking either OW or he's wanting to go out there and meet other women; he's left you at your most vulnerable time, stop playing any game he wants and get tough, best he goes then if he really can't stand his life with his family anymore, and he has form for it, I'd agree with him to separate and do it properly, do not hang on for him, he's making it pretty clear.

I knew somebody like this once and at 50 he is still doing same old.
he stays with the woman for a few years has a child or two then "Can't cope"and moves onto the next one and repeat.

Why do women fall for the bullshit? It's usually pretty clear if they have dc from previous marriage they did something wrong and aren't squeaky clean, moreover full of bull shit.

The one I know got married again this year to a woman half his age, who is a teacher. Newt so blind as those who don't want to see, OP

So sorry for you, but you will be much better off without him, tell him to clear off and be another "Wandering spirit" there's loads of them around.

Let me guess, somewhere in there when he was talking this phrase came out "its me, not you..."

I am sorry OP. How long was he married in his first marriage, and how old was his son when they divorced?

The sex thing, yip, I know that one too. It is an excuse though.

Please don't do the pick me dance. If he wants to separate, then he must move out and sort himself out. Now. Not in a month after he has had time to 'carry on as normal'. There is no carrying on like normal now, he said he wants to leave....so let him OP.

I know I sound harsh. I was in the same boat as you, not that long ago. In fact it is a year this week since we had the discussion of him moving out. But he didn't move out until 4 months later. I can tell you that was the most difficult 4 months of my life. If I thought I was walking on eggshells around him before that, that was nothing , it was like walking around on landmines. I don't want anyone else to go through that. Those 4 months were worse than everything else put together. The carrying on as normal is a complete mindfuck and does more damage than the heartache of separating quick.

Once you are separated and you can think and see things more clearly, perhaps there could be a way to make it work. But you cannot see things more clearly whilst inside the bubble.

Please pm me if you want to. I really can relate.