He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

You are NOT a shit mum!!! Please don't say that, it's not true.

Person*

Right,
Go and make yourself a cuppa (If you can get 30 seconds away from your little devils angels).
Tell me, via PM, via public thread whatever just tell me WHAT worries you.

1. If you want to start saving money, Sign up to topcashback. It ain't much but last month i switched my gas, electric and phone provider, did my (Normal) grocery shop and got £300 in cashback. I know it ain't much but its something you can hide.
2. Go to a womens refuge they will help you. In this situation you will likely get an advance of benefit, which means after your claim is partially processed (Ie you haven't recieved your first payment but you know you've been approved to claim) you can get a bit of money advanced to keep you afloat.
3. You CAN do better. You DO deserve better. Your children deserve FAR FAR FAR better.
4. If he's going out drinking all of the time then he's financing it somehow. Yes he's probably squirreling money away.

there is help out there. Options are out there. You can do this. It will be hard. You will doubt yourself I know because I WAS you. but you can do this. thousands of women do.

OP I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to you

You are not a shit mother. Leaving the father of your three kids is never going to be easy. Some people never do it. But I think you know it's time.

If I were you I'd change the locks while he's out. He sounds like an absolute fucking narcissist. He's never going to grow up. He's always going to be a selfish little shit. You may find that your life is actually easier without him, because you don't have to deal with the emotional labour of him always letting you down.

I hope things get better for you.

What exactly do you want to happen here?

It's very unclear.

The only person who has used the term "shit mother" is you; no-one else has called you that on this thread. And you are not that at all; this man has basically run you into the ground and deliberately so to boot.

What people are trying to point out to you is the effect that staying in this will have on your children going forward; they are after all learning about relationships from the two of you. Is this really the model you want to show them?. You want to show your children that yes, this is how women are treated in relationships and that you put up and shut up out of self preservation?.

I'm asking cos I don't think you want him to leave. And I don't think you want to leave.

So what's the third option for you?

Nobody is saying your a shit mother OP. But you do need to understand that kids learn their future relationship patterns and boundaries from their parents.

People are being very supportive, however you did say your partner has form for this and as you've not been able to leave yet, posters are quite compassionately saying that if YOU don't feel you need to leave him, please think of how staying with him will affect your beautiful children further down the line. If you believe it'll be fine, then fair enough. You can be fine on you're own too without his baggage. But posters are merely highlighting to you another reason why you should really be strongly considering terminating this relationship. Sometimes we have to be harsh not to be mean but to be straight to the point

Please don't run away from the thread just because people are telling you truths you'd rather not hear.

I did that, and suffered for two more years before taking charge of my own life. It's hard sometimes, but not as hard as knowing that I was being treated like shit by someone who expected me to treat him like a king.

People get out of worse situations than yours. If you want to be free, and set your DC a great example of what to do when someone mistreats you, then you can absolutely do it.

He came in with his carefree attitude this morning because he thinks you'll do nothing. Prove him wrong.

You have access to the bank accounts, so set some emergency money aside.

Do an online calculation to see what benefits and tax credits you will be entitled to.

Work out the difference between your income and outgoings. Can you cut back? Can you work part time?

Then be ready next time he stays out all night. Door locked, bags on doorstep.

In the long term you may have to move somewhere cheaper but isn't that preferable to wasting your life on this?

When you have been treated like you have it leaves the person feeling worthless and lacking the confidence to make a major change. Stay on the thread so you can gain advice, support and strength through this process.

Agreed Elspeth

Jeez, I've seen some complete wankers described on here before but yours just about takes the prize

He's out 4 or 5 nights a week and waltzes in on a Sunday morning like it's the most normal thing in the world??

Get him up, out, bags packed, and tell him to fuck off for good - he's the biggest waste of space, I'm shocked at this, really shocked

And I think the reason you're getting upset is cos you want to pretend if you just endure enough and keep your head down he'll grow out of it eventually.

And in the meantime it's fine cos the kids are fine and notice nothing and will imitate nothing and absorb nothing.

But when people say to you "that's bollocks and you must know it", you get very upset and defensive cos you actually don't want to admit to being anything other than a hapless bystander.

Don't run away from the thread, NoCapes.

You are in such a strong position. You are the sole tenant, and you rent from your family. You are young.

Have a look at the entitledto website to see what benefits you could receive.

Were you working before the baby came along? Is it work you could go back to?

Could you train for something? Bookkeeping? Teaching, or as a TA?

You are so young, and you could really start a whole new life, now, for you and your lovely children!

What did you want people to say op? His behaviour is ok? Obviously not. You can change him if you do things differently? Not a chance. Hang on on there it will get better? Course not.

The only answer to this horrendous situation is to kick him out.

Dear op

In early 2010 I was in an almost identical situation to yours.

Plus my ex was also physically abusive.

Until someone has been there they can not understand how hard it is to take that step and say the relationship is over.

When you have been Abused your confidence is shattered. It takes guts and confidence to leave someone. And those 2 things are missing when you are in an abusive situation.

You are a great mum... Who I suspect (if you are anything like me) has stayed this long in order to protect her kids from the fallout of a separation.

But I promise you that if you decide to make the decision you will never regret it.

It will be hard but you can do this. And the rewards are more than you can ever imagine.

6.5 years on my kids and I have lived these last years in a happy, relaxed home together with no more
Walking on eggshells.

I met my dp 4 years ago. I did not know relationships could be so easy and he is one of the kindest most respectful people you could wish to meet.

My life has changed completely. Yours can too.

Good luck

The op won't be back. She said it herself - she's posted "so many" threads.

It's pointless responding.

She won't listen after 2 threads. Or 5. Or however many.

It's all very well reassuring people that they're not shit parents but at what point do they BECOME shit parents?

NoCapes:
Hang on to the bank card!
You have every ball in your court. His wage in the bank, the bank card, and the tenancy.

Personally I would not waste emotional energy on making a point with him today. Go about your business, do what you want to do.
Tomorrow morning PLAN. Really plan, not dream or imagine.
Find out about everything you would be entitled to.
Work out when his next wage will come in, get the bills paid up, do a shop enough to last you 2 or 3 weeks.
Make that the seperation day (you probably need to be very careful about what you do financially after the day you name as official seperation)
Start your claims
Change the locks / kick him out.

So sorry about your baby, that must have been terrible to go through. You need someone to look after you, and that person is you.

Good luck.

so you run away from the thread...what happens then

you husband turns into Prince Charming, worships the ground you walk on, carries you all off on a white horse and wins the lottery so you never have to worry about money again?

or more likely you get upduffed again, he maintains the status quo and you sink even further into this horrible life and find it even harder to escape.

Get your act together and decide what it is you want, presumably that doesn't involve pandering to a man who could not give a flying fuck for you or the children and cannot keep it in his pants, and get some self respect.

I'm not surprised you don't want to split as you've just had a late miscarriage and splitting up is probably the last thing you want. For now, just take steps to protect yourself financially and have a plan b in place in case he does leave - it will make you feel like you have options and a safety net in case you need it. There is a chance he will leave of his own accord if another woman takes him on (he doesn't sound like the sort who could function without the help of a partner).

So plan B: As others have said, you are in a good position with the house tenancy being with a relative and in your name. Housing benefit can take a couple of months to kick in, but they do back pay, so you might have to ask for a couple of months' grace and then pay them back. I can't see a relative kicking you out over a couple of months. The other benefits you start receiving very quickly. I would cost everything without factoring in maintenance as he is unlikely to pay it straight off based on what you have said about his interest and problems with money. Best thing to do if he does leave is change the locks immediately and remain resolute. See what you can achieve without the stress of worrying where he is. You might then start to consider retraining for a school-hours job.

Of course I expected the LTB responses, and even the 'you're setting a bad example of relationships to your children' responses because I know that much is true
It was the 'you are a shameful example of a parent' that got to me
My life is shit right now, my children are quite literally all I have, every single thing I do each day is for them, so for someone to say that just makes me think what is the fucking point I can't do anything right?!

I know what I need to do
I do
But it is so so hard
I've been with him since I was 18, I went straight from living with my mum to having a baby and living with him, he is all I know
I have no job, no qualifications, no money, no friends
I have him and my children - that's it

So as much as I wish I could just pack his shot and throw it out of the window it really is not that simple

Thankyou all for the comments though
I appreciate them all - even the ones that have made me cry

Well said. Be nice guys.

Well if you're waiting till it's going to be easier, good luck. Cos it's never going to be easier.

It's not only women with jobs and qualifications that kick men out. It's not only women with family support and cars and savings.

But you still see him as an asset. So best of luck.

Oh you need such a big hug, you really have no friends? why is that ? He clearly has loads, so why have you been cut off from the world?
Is there no neighbour? Mum from school? sibling?

You certainly are not a shit mother, you are holding it all together whilst Tosser is in bed after staying out all night.
yes he is all you know, but you should understand that unfortunately, he is not a good example of a father, a partner, or a friend.
Please do as advised & start the planning, this problem will NOT go away, every day that passes is a day wasted.