He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

[ButtMuncher]

Um, no. He doesn't just get to waltz into bed.

I suggest you get a friend, neighbour or family member to pick up your kids right now and once done, pack a bag, wake the fucking useless cocklodger up and tell him to go back to wherever is so important 4/5 times a week. If he refuses tell him you will not be leaving your home and will get whatever backup is required to remove him.

Do NOT back down. I know how you feel - don't want the drama, hoping it'll resolve, afraid of rocking that boat. All you are doing is stalling because you are afraid of a life without him. You need to take ownership over this as he never will - he has his cake and currently is eating the whole fucking shop whilst you are facilitating him. Please stop and give yourself more respect my love, otherwise it'll translate to your kids that Dads can fuck around so long as Mums are about. Please don't do that

[Lunar1]

If not for any other reason than to teach your children that this is not what a healthy relationship looks like, LTB.

[NoCapes]

LIZ yes I agree it's a really sad situation ehen the kids don't even ask where he is anymore, because it's more unusual if he is here than if he isn't

[MessyBun247]

'If mummy cheers up'. Ugh!!! Dick.

[user1471903876]

So sorry for your loss, what a horrible time for you.

In terms of him, I would not have let him in! I have done this before... Chain across key in the door. He asked if I was going to let him in.... Errr no!

A wise person said (don't know who!)

If you do what you have always done you will get what you always had... Which for you sounds awful so I personally would be planning to leave. It will be so hard however staying as things are now will lead to huge resentment on your side anger and despair. It will make you Ill! You should leave or at least chuck him out even if it feels only temporary he needs shaking up.

As for going to bed when he got in! God fuming!!! I would of dragged his arse out of bed!! Men aye

[blueskyinmarch]

NoCapes. I completely get why you don't demand explanations from him. I am getting the rage on your behalf. You need to keep calm for the sake of your children and work out what you need to do from here. He not going to change but you can. You and your children deserve better.

[Mix56]

What must your kids think ? 4/5 nights they see their father going out.
Just WHAT do you think they are feeling? thinking?
He didn't even manage to make an excuse this time. Just smirked & went to bed. I just can't fathom why you didn't lock the door.

So, there will be other women, but also, what about Gaming? Console addiction ? Poker? (the latter could explain the money)
whatever the combination. Tomorrow get rdv at the CAB. start setting yourself up financially. This must stop.

[Shakey15000]

He's got the life of Riley hasn't he? Someone at home bringing up his kids, free to do what the fuck he likes every evening with someone feeding/bathing/settling his kids. Then on top of that, being able to be out ALL night at the weekend, stroll home and check out for the rest of the day by heading to bed. Sorry, but he's treating you like a skivvy and you're letting him.

I am so sorry for your loss You should be resting, HE should be taking his children out/pampering you, at the very least be "there" and emotionally supportive.

[Iamdobby63]

Wow! He just breezes in like its normal behaviour? Then tries to force you not to be annoyed or you will ruin something nice for the children.

Can you go somewhere today, over to family or just out?

[NoCapes]

Ouch user that was harsh

Dobby yes I'm going to go out somewhere, just getting everyone dressed - not sure where though but we'll go somewhere
I'm not letting him decide what we do today and what my fucking mood should be!!

[MorrisZapp]

Clearly there is something in your past which makes you think this is acceptable. Nothing we say can overcome that, you have to find a way there yourself.

But please, don't have any more kids with this failure of a human. Own your life, stop making it even harder to leave.

[Longdistance]

'Yes, mummy has cheered up, and the only place daddy is going is out that fucking door and never coming back '

Get a bucket of freezing cold water and chuck it on the useless cunt!

Pack his shit into a black bag including his dirty washing and chuck it out the door/window depending on how spontaneous you feel

So sorry about your loss op

[user1471552005]

nocapes- it was meant to be harsh.

My late husband abused me, raped me eroded me to such a point that it took years for me to leave.

I wish someone had spoken to me is such terms. Of course the OP is v=feeling miserable, needs support and empathy, but she also needs to smell the coffee.

[Iamdobby63]

Good for you OP and turn your phone off. He is lucky he wasn't handed a suitcase when he strolled in.

You can do this. You are pretty much doing it on your own anyway.

[Charlie97]

I think you are probably right about it being another woman/women! So, please do not get pregnant by this man again. You need to get an STI check, do not sleep with him again. He's a disgrace of a man and should be kicked out.

I'm sorry for your loss

[MephistoMarley]

Yes user was being harsh but she's right
What kind of relationships do you want them to have when they are adults? One like this? Because this is what you and he are teaching them to aspire to.
Please don't have any more kids for goodness sake, 3 is a lot to manage on your own and you really fucking need to be on your own.

[NoCapes]

Don't worry I absolutely do not plan on having any more children with him
We haven't had sex since May anyway

[NoCapes]

I'm probably going to run away from this thread soon, this is why I start so many because they start out supportive and understanding and then people start wading in with the "you're a shit mother for being with him" comments and they really really do not help

So thankyou for all the supportive posters, it really helped having people to talk to this morning

[MephistoMarley]

You're not a shit mother but hiding from the fact that this is a terrible example
For your kids isn't going to help you.

[StealthPolarBear]

no capes
Don't drop off mn entirely or you'll be the subject of many "whatever happened to ..." threads and you'll be missed.
Best of luck and please do what you need to do x

[Chocolate123]

You are not a shit mother but got your sake and the kids sake you need to get rid of him. You are practically doing it alone anyway. I would be putting the kids in the car going up to him and telling him to be gone by the time you get back. Be firm and calm. Best of luck you deserve better.

[blueskyinmarch]

I don't think you are being called a shit mum. Some people have been stern but that does t me a they are not being supportive. Stay on MN and you will get all the help you need to sort out your situation. Ignore any posters who are not nice and concentrate on the helpful posts.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I would not run away from this thread; you need support even that of the more harsh type. You need to read it all, besides which what other support do you have. Family and friends of yours can be over invested and offer opinions that you may not like or want to hear either.

Repeatedly starting then running away from threads does not change the fact that you are in a poor relationship where this man has managed to grind you down to an emotional pulp. Your self esteem has been ground down to almost nothing by this man and he thinks you are a right mug.

People also are right to mention your children only because they are also learning from you about relationships; is this really the role model you want to be teaching them?.

I would be asking you what you get out of this relationship now with this man; I can see the attractions for him certainly but what is in this for you?
What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up; what sort of an example did your parents set you?. Did you see your own mother being treated like a skivvy too by your dad?.

[DanniAngelMummy]

How could you possibly be a shit mother when your pretty much bringing up your kids single handedly? Your doing a fantastic job!
When you leave this tosser... Which you will, you have to for your own sanity this will also 'teach' your kids they can be strong independent people AND will not resent you as they will know you really have given their father plenty of opportunity to sort his shit out X
I'm so sorry, wish I could help