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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He hasn't come home

999 replies

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 07:27

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
skyyequake · 11/09/2016 08:08

x post i see you at least have the house which is good and seeing as it's a family member you could always explain the situation and ask them for some leeway till your HB gets backdated?

LunaJuna · 11/09/2016 08:09

I'm so sorry for you loss and I'm sorry for how you're feelingFlowers

It seems that he's living life as a single man and you're already living as a single mum. IMO you'd be better off financially and emotionally without him but it will not be easy and he will not give up his cushioned life style that easy...
Can you go out with your friends more often and give as good as you get?

daisychain01 · 11/09/2016 08:09

This will come across as harsh, but if all you ever do is post about how bad things are, but cannot bring about any changes in either your way of thinking or your living arrangement ( preferably away from this situation ) what can anyone here do to solve your problem?. It's your time not ours that's being lost!

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?.... Ok so if we do give you a shake, where will you take things next? You have to start owning your situation we can't sprinkle unicorn dust over you Smile

My best friend had absolutely nothing when I she left her H many years ago. She took the 2 DC with her. Within a year or two she had reconfigured her life. They had to live in grotty accommodation for 2 years but she knew taking the first step to a better life required some short term pain.

Separate yourself from him as a "unit". He doesn't see himself in a relationship and doesn't invest in it. I suggest you do the same.

Iamdobby63 · 11/09/2016 08:11

Seems like you are in quite a good position, the tenancy is in your name and you have access to and know all the financial details.

It is very suspicious where he is spending time but not spending money, but it doesn't really matter as the point is that he is not with you or or children.

If it were me I would be telling him to leave today, but if you feel you need more time or more information then do try and get advice on benefits or maintenance tomorrow.

isitseptemberyet · 11/09/2016 08:12

im really sorry for your loss xx
i know it's hard to leave/ kick them out the door when you have young children- you're tired and your sense of self worth / identity is fragile.
However, i'm sure your children are your world- so look at it this way;
Your relationship is paving the way for the relationships ur children will enter into. Do you want your sons to treat their partners this way ? Do you want them to see you treated this way? Do you want your daughters to gravitate towards men like this because they think it's normal..?
You are worth so much more than this, sometimes the strong thing to do is to end a relationship, not stay in it.
The fact that he is out despite your loss just last week is a horrendous example of how little respect he has for you :(
the fact that he would even set foot in a strip club is another glaring example of how little respect he has for women.
The fact that he is happy to be spending family income on himself four times a week shows how little respect he has for the family you have created together.

Have someone with you when you tell him to leave, but do it, i bet in six months you will feel amazing x good luck x

Phalenopsisgirl · 11/09/2016 08:14

Go pack him a bag now. Don't have an argument, you don't need to explain or justify yourself. Just hand him the bag and tell him the relationship isn't what you want, no need to elaborate. This will never be the relationship you need or deserve, talking it through will be fruitless. If you remain without emotion he will realise you are serious.

skyyequake · 11/09/2016 08:15

And don't let him tell you that you wouldn't be able to do it yourself, my DP told me that and I believed him for a while i blame PND but he left and I did brilliantly on my own and he was begging to come back after a week

You're already doing everything and you clearly have some financial knowledge, I'm not saying it won't be hard but let family and friends help and you will do amazingly

Plus if you got through CSA and he's on such a "great salary" then you'll get plenty of child support from him which will help

Afreshstartplease · 11/09/2016 08:16

How can he do this to you with what you have just been through Sad what a scum bag

My relationship with dp has its ups and downs, he's been known to disappear on nights out etc, many on here would and have told me to ltb at different points, and I haven't. Or have only done so temporarily. It is hard. So hard. I imagine there are good times too, and if you've been together a long time with DC together it can be hard to see yourself moving on without him.

I think makeup, strippers and being so uncaring after the loss of a child would definitely see me close the door though.

DixieNormas · 11/09/2016 08:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blueskyinmarch · 11/09/2016 08:19

My mind is blown by the fact he goes out 4/5 nights each week and you don't know where he is. I don't mean that as a criticism of you I mean that he is obviously having his cake and eating it. He is leading the life of a single guy but he has a partner and family at home. As other have said you really need to make plans to get rid of him. Apart from bringing in a wage he appears to bring nothing else to your relationship.

Shayelle · 11/09/2016 08:20

He sounds like total scum op. X

VioletBam · 11/09/2016 08:21

Ah OP I'm sorry; Flowers I'm sorry for your loss AND for the shitstain that is your partner.

It IS hard....facing facts....but he's not a nice man.

Makeup on t shirt twice would have been enough for me. No way is that accidental.

Not coming home?

End of the line.

isitseptemberyet · 11/09/2016 08:23

having read all your previous posts OP, it seems like hes having an affair, sorry to dound harsh- if hes going out but u have his cards.. and hes not coming home, what else could he be doing ?!
You have the house. When he goes to work, put Everything of his on th lawn / in th garage. Put ur keys in th lock so he cant get in. Phone th police in advance letting them know when he will be arriving home and that you are concerned how he will react, someone will come and park outside, it'll get him moving along nice and quick. Turn ur phone off and have a friend/ family member stay th night so u dnt turn it back on.
You dont need to give him the courtesy /respect of an explanation even, he doesnt give you or the children any.
You could always print off this thread ad stick it on top of his stuff.. i was once told repeatedly by a similar type of man tht my grievances were 'all in my head/ totally over dramatic and that other women get beaten etc , so what was i moaning about' ! Dnt let him attempt to bamboozle you- there are sooo many decent men out there, ur not losing anything by getting rid of this man. The fantasy of what could have been isnt enough to allow him to continue to damage you.
Stand strong x

Hhmyeahsuremaybe · 11/09/2016 08:25

Benefits don't have to take that long, for me it took 2 weeks, but housing benefit a bit longer. All of this stuff is daunting and feels 'final', don't let that put you off.

I'm sorry but he's taking you for a mug and you deserve better.

Original poster
NoCapes · 11/09/2016 08:28

He's just got in
Did a big cheery "morning" and actually expected me to reply
None of the kids spoke to him either
He asked me if I was "in a mood" I told him not to speak to me and he said to the kids "we'll go to x place later - if mummy cheers up" and he's gone to bed

If I cheer up! Seriously!!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoCapes · 11/09/2016 08:28

Sorry I am reading all of these replies, all 3 kids are up now though so I'm getting everyone sorted in between posting

OP posts:
HappyAxolotl · 11/09/2016 08:28
Flowers

OP, what are you getting out of this relationshit? You're a single mum to all intents and purposes. Let Party Boy go and live in a houseshare where he'll be expected to pull his weight with housework and bills and isn't getting free sex thrown in.

For you OP, once you are ready, there are men out there who will actually enjoy being with you and enjoy being part of a family. Go have fun finding him.

stateofpay · 11/09/2016 08:30

Oh dear! It's sad your dc are feeling the need to ignore him. How selfish he is being

Hhmyeahsuremaybe · 11/09/2016 08:32

I shouldn't have skipped a page, sorry that was covered.

ptumbi · 11/09/2016 08:32

Get him out. And don't let him tell you that he 'has no where to go' - if he is out more often than he's in, then he clearly does have somewhere/one else to go to.

carabos · 11/09/2016 08:32

Why has nobody mentioned drugs? Out all night chilling is code for drugs IME. That's why he's not drinking, prefers drugs. Either way, it's a no from me. Kick him to the kerb.

WottyMcWottFace · 11/09/2016 08:36

You really deserve so much better!
A long time ago I was in a similar scenario, it took me a long time but eventually something snapped inside, I had been ground down so much I had no self esteem, no motivation and was just existing for my daughter. I really don't know what snapped inside but when it did I knew I couldn't carry on, I planned and over 3 months made sure I was financially able to leave. I've never looked back! You really need to tell your family and gain support from them. When I left we went to my parents for a month whilst we got him to leave my house, when he did we moved back home.
My view was that I would rather live a lifetime with just me and DD than one more day with him! Just think what's best for you and your children ... A husband and father should be there to love and support, not someone that drains you and just comes and goes as he pleases!
I really hope you are ok, stay strong 💐

blueskyinmarch · 11/09/2016 08:41

I really can't be my head round this. He has stayed out all night and just walked in, with no explanation about where he has been, and he expects you to be happy to see him? I have got the rage just thinking about this. If it was me I would be upstairs ripping the covers off him and demanding to know exactly where he has been. This would be followed by packing his bags and lobbing everything out the door. I don't know how you appear to be staying so calm.

Original poster
NoCapes · 11/09/2016 08:44

carabos he's quite anti-drugs, I would be really really shocked if it was drugs, much more likely to be another woman/women tbh

bluesky he wouldn't give me a definite answer even if I did ask, so I'd just get myself more wound up asking him, it's not worth it really

OP posts:
LIZS · 11/09/2016 08:45

I would imagine because op is exhausted, emotionally drained and resigned. Easier to blank it out. Sad that dc are too though. If he is out every weekend and St least every other day in the week , how much can they see of him.

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