He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

[WordGetsAround]

Does he do a job where he could be getting paid cash in hand? If (when - I hope) you split it's good to know all his income streams in advance!

[NoCapes]

Just 'out' shakey just 'chilling' apparently
Which is clearly code for fucking someone

[NoCapes]

We rent our house off a family member of mine, my name is on the tenancy, he didn't move in with me straight away and we never changed it
So I have the house at least

[whoopiedoo]

Nocapes No it isn't as easy as just saying 'get out'.

If you want people to be honest then I will say how I see it...

Firstly how old are you both? And were all your children planned?

He's in a situation/relationship he doesn't want he wants to be free and single out enjoying himself. At the moment you're allowing him to live a single life, his 'home' with you is nothing more than somewhere to put his head when he does eventually come home. Deep down you KNOW he's playing around. Going out 4/5 times a week inc every Saturday when you have a partner and young family is ridiculously selfish and immature and coming home at 8/9am because of an emergency is bollocks, he's spent the night in someone else's bed and left first thing in the morn (as you do).

You can either put up with his behaviour, but I think it will destroy you in time or you can take a deep breath and confront him. It will go one of two ways he'll either tell you he wants to leave or it will be a huge wake up call. Good luck!
x

[NoCapes]

Word he gets paid into my bank account every month,

[JudyCoolibar]

Phone Women's Aid and start making plans so that you can leave. I suspect you'll be more financially secure without him.

[StealthPolarBear]

Who do you have who would be on your side in real life?

[LIZS]

It's very unlikely he isn't spending money. If he comes home drunk or having been to clubs some one must fund it. That is at the expense of your and your dc future security. I'd be concerned that he may be running up debts or involved in something dubious. I doubt you know the true extent of it.

[StealthPolarBear]

Ah brilliant it is your home.
Do you struggle financially in general?

[CrazyCavalierLady]

If he's going out 4/5 times per week he MUST be spending money. Could he be having his company split his wage into "yours" and "his" bank accounts? Have you seen his payslip?

[NoCapes]

whoopie yep that's it, I think he wants to be single but wants to look like a good guy who supports his family so he 'officially' lives here
I'm 26, he's 30
Our first 2 children weren't planned (I was only 19 when we had Ds1) but the baby (10 months) was and the one I lost wasn't planned as such because the baby is so young, but there was always plans of a fourth

I have asked him a million times tbh, but I'm "so jealous and paranoid" and "it's really not attractive you know"

[OliviaStabler]

So sorry for your loss [flowers ]

Is it possible he has another family? He is out an awful lot for no real reason.

[AyeAmarok]

So you know what he earns? Go and do the CMS calculators to see what he would have to pay in child main, if you were to leave him.

[TartyTart]

I'm so sorry for your recent loss.

I would set this guy free. Imagine this for the next 30 years..

[Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016]

I filed for divorce and claimed benefits while my exh was still physically living in the house. I told them x date was the day we separated (hadn't told him just yet!) and went from there. 2 weeks after when all sorted I told him we were over. I knew like you i couldn't have managed as he held all the cash. As long as you can give them a separation date you can get the ball rolling.

[IzzyIsBusy]

That puts you in a very good position OP.

Can you speak to family or friends?

You can claim child tax credits while he still lives with you as long as you tell them you have split. That way as soon as they have processed it you can kick him out and there will not be a 6 week wait with nothing coming in.
HB might be a bit difficult as you rent from a family member but i am sure if you have rented for a while before claiming and have a proper tennacy it is ok.

[NoCapes]

He doesn't come home drunk, he usually drives (although he didn't last night) so I really think sometimes he doesn't spend any money

I definitely get all his wages, k have access to his bank account and mine and his payslip comes here every month

Stealth we do struggle, he's quite reckless with money in general, hence why I've taken over all finances

[NoCapes]

Oh I didn't know I could do anything benefit wise while he was still here
That is very interesting

[TeaRexit]

Dont let him in later, when he decides to turn up.

Start saving a little bit for the next 6 weeks.

Can you let your landlord know you are going to apply for housing benefit & rent will be backdated?

You deserve better than this.

[LIZS]

He belittles your feelings, conditioning you to accept his bad behaviour as normal You do realise that he is emotionally abusing you and potentially financially too. What are your dc learning about relationships from this? Don't assume they aren't aware. If you rent from family do you have other support nearby.

[TeaRexit]

Is he at someones house 4/5 nights a week?

[CafeCremeEtCroissant]

Sweetheart. Come on. Just get him gone.

The house is rented in your name. Pack him a bag, put it on the step. Put the chain on the door. Put a note on the door 'I don't care where you were. I don't care where you go, but you no longer live here. You can email me if you want to see the children'. Get someone supportive to come around for the day.

First thing tomorrow go & get help re benefits & an emergency fund.

Do it now, there's no better time 💐

[MessyBun247]

Really sorry for your loss

Start planning now.

Inagine what things will be like 1, 5, 10 years down the line if you stay. You have the chance to break free from this shit. Its hard to leave but so worth it.

[skyyequake]

I know a lot of advice is to chuck him out but I do know what it's like to not have much/any money of your own. Try taking to your local CAB, they were very helpful to me and they will help you to get the benefits you need/are entitled to

Also you can use this link to give you an idea of how much you would be getting

If you feel like this won't be enough for you to stay in your current place, then you may have to look at renting a cheaper place. If that's still too much then speak to your local council (armed with advice from the CAB)

Seeing as you're not married (?) you don't need a solicitor and if you need Income Support (which you can get if you're employed but on low wage/hours just at a reduced rate) then they will also put you in contact with the CSA so they can support you in getting child support from your XP. If you don't need IS then you can contact the CSA directly (the CAB will probably give you their contact details)

Good Luck OP he sounds like a prick

[Shayelle]

You will be so much happier if you get shot of him. So sorry for what you have gone through recently xx