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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He hasn't come home

999 replies

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 07:27

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Iamdobby63 · 11/09/2016 10:21

It's not easy but you are in some ways in a fortunate position, with the house and knowledge of income.

This relationship is making you deeply unhappy, that's all you need to know.

If you really don't feel ready for him to leave then give him an ultimatum and see what he does with it. But you can't continue like this as its not doing your self worth any good - and you are worth a whole heap more than this.

Offline · 11/09/2016 10:24

You will get a lot of advice and support here, though, NoCapes, lots of women have taken the seemingly impossible step and are happy the other side and willing to share advice.

MN may be harsh, but the person who is undermining your self esteem is the person who should be giving you confidence, making you feel special!

That thing he does, telling you that asking where he has been is 'not attractive' is emotional abuse.

Being lied to is exhausting.

Is your Mum around and supportive?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/09/2016 10:39

What was life at home like before you were 18?. What did you envisage for yourself when younger. How is it that you left school with seemingly no qualifications? You can and now must widen your own narrow world view.

Its never too late NoCapes to make changes; you can better your life but ultimately you are the only one who can make that change for you.

Costacoffeeplease · 11/09/2016 10:42

Are you not angry at him? I'd be raging and maybe that's what you need to galvanise you - find your anger, and treat him with the utter contempt that he deserves

RandomMess · 11/09/2016 10:48

Please start a new thread - something like "help me LTB" honestly tonnes of us with help you with emotional support and practical advice on what you can do to separate.

It sounds like you are probably co-dependent on him - something you slipped in to and it is SO hard to leave when you have been worn down and are financially dependent.

Flowers
SanityClause · 11/09/2016 11:00

You are not a shit mum. You are a great mum, but he is a shit dad.

Of course it's not simple. You have been together for more than a quarter of your whole life, and your whole adult life.

Okay, you have no qualifications, but you are young enough to get some. What would you like to do?

Or, if you really need to start earning money, now, what about taking in people's ironing? My MIL did this for many years, and she always said it was the only job she could do at 6:00 in the morning, (or whenever) in her nightdress.

When your little one is at nursery, you could ask around your ironing clients to see if they know someone who needs a cleaner, and add that to your repertoire. When your little one is at school, you could continue with that, and start to do some evening classes at a college.

I suggested bookkeeping, because it's another thing you can do from home in your pyjamas, although you would need some proper work experience, before you could get to that stage. I understand that there is a shortage of people training to do bookkeeping, too . There's also excellent career progression, if you wanted. Working in a school may work well, as you have less holiday cover to worry about, but there is the disadvantage of not being able to easily take any days off during term time.

Or is there something else, you would really like to do? Having children does limit your options, no point in pretending, but there are often ways.

You really can do this.

LIZS · 11/09/2016 11:03

If you went straight from home to living with him I'm not surprised you are in this situation. It sounds as if you have been on something of a roller coaster and don't really have control of the direction life is taking. Get out of the house today, meet family/friend and think through where you want to be in 5 years time. Your dc will all be at school, can you pick up your education, get some skills, find pt work? Assume he is not in the picture as he sounds as if he will only continue to disappoint.

HandbagCrazy · 11/09/2016 11:07

OP, you're overwhelmed because you're thinking about everything. I think you need to break it down.

You know he's not treating you with the kindness and respect you deserve day to day, never mind with the trauma you've been through recently Flowers

So do things step by step
1-look into benefits / applying for jobs
2-get him out of your house (get family member /friend to help if you can). I personally would pack for him while he's at work and get him before he gets in the front door.

Once he's gone, prepare yourself for a million conflicting feelings (relief he's gone, missing him, questioning if you're doing the right thing, guilt for splitting the family). Read your threads to remind you why this is the right thing for you and your family.

I think you'll find that when he's been gone a little while, you'll feel a weight come off your shoulders. Imagine going to bed with no worry about where he is / what he's doing / when he'll be home. Imagine planning your day around what you and your dc want to do with no miserable person telling you you're not good enough.

When you get through all of that, you'll feel better. The practical stuff is manageable, but it's too much when he's messing you around and draining your emotional energy at the same time.

I don't think you're a bad mum at all, but I do think your children will benefit from seeing you showing them that men should respect women, and if they don't, women shouldn't stay. They will also benefit more than you will ever know from a happy mum.

ElspethFlashman · 11/09/2016 11:09

In all honesty the first thing is an STD check. OP you were advised to get one on your thread in March, did you manage to make an appointment?

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 11:17

Thankyou all for all the brilliant advice, there's a lot to take in and I'm just at the park with the kids, I will read properly and reply later

Elspeth yes I had a negative chlamydia test, but I suppose I should get another one soon shouldn't I

OP posts:
TippiNoodlegruder · 11/09/2016 11:22

Can you give us a rough idea of where you are? Maybe there's someone (I will if you're close enough!) who can be your friend. I know what it's like, I was in a similar situation years ago with no family or friends, no money (I worked but didn't have access to any of my wages) and in a horrible relationship. It felt like there really was no way out at all, and while I desperately wanted to leave, and knew I should, I just couldn't see how. Eventually I got there and I'm now happily married and free. You can get there too, I promise.

I don't think you're a shit mum, I can see where people are coming from trying to give you a shock, but it's coming from a good place.

hownottofuckup · 11/09/2016 11:25

Can anyone in RL help you with separating from him?
It is hard, you're right it's really really fucking hard to take that step. It's so much easier to maintain the status quo and hide from it and to grab hold of any sense of normality that gets tossed your way. I was very very lucky to have amazing support from my DParents and SIL, have you confided in anyone?
It's taken me 5 years but I got there in the end.
Re the DC, how old are they? In my experience it's much easier to do this whilst their younger.
I hope you stay on this thread and get the support you need. You can do this.

MrsDc7 · 11/09/2016 11:29

You deserve better... So sorry about your baby Flowers xxxx

Bigfam · 11/09/2016 11:30

nocapes if you're still there, inbox me & I'll message you back

Darcychu · 11/09/2016 11:36

I never agree when people say leaving isnt Simple

Thats an excuse, Yes it is simple, Pack your bags, pack his bags it doesn't matter just leave, there are plenty of places people can go.

Wdigin2this · 11/09/2016 11:37

I'm sorry you miscarried, but you're answering your own question aren't you? He's taking the Michael in a huge way, and you're facilitating it!
Depending on the circumstances of your home (rented/owned) either get out and find somewhere else to live, (and I know that won't be easy especially with the children) or, tonight when he's out again pack as much of his stuff as you can get into a couple of suitcases, leave them outside, lock all the doors and windows, so he can't in....then get yourself a damn good divorce lawyer!

MessyBun247 · 11/09/2016 11:41

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be. So many women seem to say 'I cant leave him, we've been together for 5, 10, 20 years' as if that is a good reason to stay.

With 3 kids to look after, and his bullshit to deal with, its probably very hard for you to find any headspace to look to the future and make plans. But you CAN do it.

Please start planning. Your life isnt meant to be like this.

Cherrysoup · 11/09/2016 11:43

Would he go if you asked? If he's not drinking, then what the heck is he doing 4/5 nights a week? Weird.

You sound like an amazing person to be bringing up your children pretty much alone.

notapizzaeater · 11/09/2016 11:45

You and your children are worth so much more

SirNiallDementia · 11/09/2016 11:46

Do you want your life to be like this for the next 50 years?

Because it will be unless you take those first steps towards separating from your partner.

He will not change his behaviour so you have a choice- either carry on living your life as it is now or split up with him.

Good lunch whatever you choose!

CousinCharlotte · 11/09/2016 11:47

I'm very sorry about your recent miscarriage Flowers
You must feel very vulnerable at the moment, due to the miscarriage and looking after 3 young dc's and having a very unsupportive, selfish dickhead of a partner.
Of course it's very difficult for you, as you say, life with your partner is the only life you've known since leaving home.
Take a mental step back and think what you want from a partner and life.
Do you have a local supportive family to help with the dc's? Obviously it's a whole lot easier if you do. Have you good supportive friends to help emotionally and with practicalities?
The tenancy is in your name, brilliant.
You can claim financial assistance while you are in the process of getting rid of said twat, excellent.
I was also 19 when I had dc1 and left my (nasty, violent, piss head) partner at 25. By the age of 30 I was studying for a degree.
You can do this Smile

SirNiallDementia · 11/09/2016 11:47

Good lunch?!

Ffs I meant good LUCK! And good lunch too if you are having some!

user1471552005 · 11/09/2016 11:48

OP what are you actually afraid of?

Presumably if he works as well as being out so much you are spending most of your time alone with the kids anyway. And of those two nights he is at home you will be busy with the kids.

So you spend "quality time" with him maybe 4 hours a week.

That's all you have to lose. Those 4 hours with a man who thinks very little of you.
It must seem like a mountain to face, but once it's done you will realise it was no more than scraping a bit of old gum from your shoe.

Cary2012 · 11/09/2016 11:49

The tenancy is in your name and you rent from a relative. So your landlord is a relative of yours? Have I got that right OP?

If so, when he goes to work tomorrow pack his bags, leave them by the side of the house with a note attached.

Get relative landlord to change the locks. Arrange for family member, preferably landlord to be with you for support when he gets home.

You will probably respond to this suggestion with it's too hard, etc. And I get that, but if you want a better life for you and your kids, its the only way.

You have to make changes. Talking and not doing will achieve nothing.

He will have to pay child support, you can get more tax credits dated from tomorrow.

You will be ok, but you have to do something. Time for action, or accepting the life you have.

Fannyupcrutch · 11/09/2016 11:51

OP, you say that you have nothing, no job, qualifications etc but you CAN change this. You can get free education at your local college and will very likely be entitled to subsidised childcare too. Its September so perfect time to totally overhaul your life. Claim benefits, you should be entitled to income support and child tax credits. Enroll in college and do something to improve your prospects. Yes it will be hard but this man is draining you and if you allow it to continue then you will end up a bitter husk. Please don'y allow that!