He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

Do. Not. Let. Him. In. The. House.

He will act like he still lives there. He will use it to "talk" about your "relationship". It will fuck with your head.

I speak from experience when I say

Do not let him in the house.

He probably hasn't replied because he's probably still out.
Let's see how much he thinks of his children today.
Stay strong

exactly a week ago, this was the hour he came home, & went to bed for the day, I doubt he will reply, & if he does he will be too tired to take them out.
He will expect to use your house to be in their geographical zone. whilst snoozing on the sofa.
NO, DO NOT AGREE, he takes them out in the car (the car that Ds misses more than him) he can take them, to cinema/swimming/park, to see his mother.... not your problem. However he must return them for X time, for bath/bed/evening routine before school tomorrow.
You hand them over at the gate with coats etc. & be sure he brings all their kit back.

You do not need to speak to him. The instructions for the return can be by text. (remember the paper trail) Just kiss the kids Goodbye & walk back into your house & call you Mum. xxxxx

Just want to de-lurk and say you have been holding up amazingly capes
If you don't get a reply today or he is too busy to see the kids then personally I'd find that very odd as you'd like to think he'd want to see them and he'd see it as a chance to prove himself... I hate to put this out there but I'd be very suspicious that he did book the spa day after all and is making use of it but I'm probably completely wrong and he has managed to get a refund or like others have said he never booked it.
If he does want to see them I agree with others make sure he takes them out on his own rather than stays at home and it becomes more of a way to talk you round and not about seeing his kids.
Capes you really truly are being so strong!

NoCapes how are you doing? You've done amazingly well during a horrendous week for you and the kids, I'm gutted but sadly not surprised he hasn't replied about seeing them yet. I'd make your own plans and if he replies see what suits the kids best. My DS ended up being the kid that sat at the window with his hat and coat on waiting for hours and it ripped my heart out. You do what you and the kids need and if he pulls his head out of his arse and decides to be a dad then fine, if not, you're not all waiting about for him. Stay strong, you've come this far xx

aye oh your poor DS, that was always my DN (my brother is a shit) if he ever did that to my kids I don't think I could be held responsible for my actions

No I'd already decided that I can't let him in the house, that's what's happened before, he comes in to collect the kids/drop them off and before you know it he's hugging and kissing me saying sorry and I'm back to square one

He's replied, he's picking them up at 1 - they are so excited which is just breaking my heart

I think I must've just been in denial all week because now I just want to cry

They're probably excited because they actually get to see their dad... Last weekend he spent all day in bed! I'm glad he's stepping up at least this once, but try to remember that its quite another thing to keep it up consistently... And it still doesn't reflect on how he's treated you.

Picking his kids up for the day is basic. Don't let him convince you that its some amazing thing and is showing you how much he's changed/is making an effort... He's not. He's doing a minimum requirement.

I was also a kid who would wait at the window for my dad, and it sucks, but it would have been 100x better if I'd have had a supportive mum there with me. You are all your kids need. Spending time with their father is just a bonus for them.

Stay strong

Oh Capes, of course it hurts. Not for Him, but for them.
It remains to be seen how it goes though, he hasn't had much experience in having all 3 together. & may completely be out of his depth, when one is bored/hurt/hungry/nappy change........ or all at the same time !!!
It is going to be part of the changing learning curve of how it hurts & how to deal with it.
keep in mind, that HE is responsible (again) for this hurt.He is the one who has led your family into separation.
Be ready for them asking difficult questions this evening... "Daddy says he loves you, Daddy says You say he can't come home.......
be strong. Go to your Mum's this pm,

I haven't posted before but I have been lurking and think you are handling this really well. But of course you will feel upset and sad. This isn't what you wanted.

DH and I went through a really bad patch years ago and I was seeing a counsellor. We were pretty much split up and it was my choice. The counsellor warned me that I would feel all of the normal stages of grief even though I was making the choice to separate. That's normal. You will feel sadness, anger, denial, regret etc.

I'm glad you saw the spa day for what it was. A gesture. A friend's DH is very good at gestures. She has had diamond bracelets, spa days, etc etc. But he is useless at the practical day to day. He was always out at night - it was part of his job but he took it above and beyond.

My DH is rubbish with gestures. But he would rather be home with us and is great at day to day stuff. When we lived overseas and DS was a baby the local supermarkets didn't have trolleys with baby seats so doing a supermarket shop was not easy. So DH decided that once a month he would get up early on a Sunday morning and go to a cash and carry place and do a massive shop of all the heavy stuff so that week to week I just needed to pop into the supermarket for bits and pieces. Little things like that made me realise how he put me and DS first. That gets you through a marriage rather than making a couple of phone calls and throwing a credit card at a gesture. A gesture that he was benefitting from too!

Also reread over your posts on this thread about how badly he's treated you... He will try to minimise it. But leaving you to deal with a miscarriage and three kids by yourself I not just a mistake, it shows complete lack of human empathy... Even my DP thinks that's shitty, and you know all about him!

It won't be easy, I'm sure, but remember your sadness is for what you wanted the relationship to be, not what it was. And it is up to him to create the relationship with the kids, you can't do that for him. It sounds like you are definitely doing the right thing, but it's natural that there is sadness there for what might have been. But I suspect your XDH isn't sad about the same stuff, and he's floundering cos you're not nicely under control any more.

Handovers are hard in the beginning - but they do get easier.

Do whatever you need to do to make it short and sweet and get you back in the house as fast as poss.

Have something lined up as a treat for you, call your mum as someone suggested or take dog for a walk and get yourself another bottle of emergency wine for later and chocolate.

I find it easier to actually not look at XDH at all. The pleading puppy dog eyes make my stomach turn. So insincere and manipulative.

Good luck capes. Stay on track.

NoCapes it made me so angry I couldn't see straight! To see my boy so hopeful and then crushed absolutely shattered me because his little heart was broken and he couldn't understand why. I hope your DN is ok.
If you need to have a good cry after he picks them up then give in to it, it's completely normal. You're grieving for the man you loved and the life you had planned. Just because it was him that fucked it all up doesn't mean it doesn't hurt you. On the plus side, if he's trying to wheedle his way back in, he'll probably be great with the kids which will be lovely for them. Give yourself time to heal, if that means screaming and crying or just getting on with it quietly, it's all ok. There's no rule book for getting over this, apart from don't let him back in, you're worth more!

It's been a massive week. You are bound to need a good cry now-and it will feel weird not having the kids this afternoon which will add to it.
Allow yourself that time when they are gone-you will probably feel better for getting it out a bit.
As pp have said if you can keep any conversation with him to a polite minimum-what time will you be back?-Sort of thing, that might be better for now.
Thinking of you capes....

Thank you

This will get better.

Stay strong and remember the whole picture.

Be prepared for him to say stuff in front of the children ie 'of course Mummy can come' - have a reply ready.

Good song to have a cry too if you need it (and its ok to cry)

m.youtube.com/watch?v=9URg5nT8szU

yes - they will be excited to see him, yes - they will enjoy going out. But they will also enjoy comign home and seeing you. But isn't this what he did when he lived with yuy? Absent most of the time, then Big Days Out. He didn't exactly do much parenting - he wasn't around enough.
He was pretty much a Disney Dad when he lived with you. He's not going to be any different now. Lets see if he can keep it up. My Ex didn't. In fact one of my DC (grown) just decided to wait and see how long before his Dad phoned him. It been years so far.

You'll be the parent who stayed. The one who clothed, fed, played and taught them. As they get older Big Days Out won't be all that important.

You're doing great - stay strong!

I have read the whole thread and I take my hat off to you NoCapes :)

Hope the handover goes okay. A few more suggestions for the 'fuck you' playlist:

Sunshine Anderson - Heard It All Before
Robyn - Don't Fucking Tell Me What To Do
PJ Harvey - 50ft Queenie

I agree with Feck Big Days Out and grand gestures fade into the background, as they get older. My DS 9 is just starting to realise that his dad is a waste of space, full of promises and chat but not actually there when it matters. I remember one particular time when DS was performing at a big concert hall (huge deal, has autism and is hypersensitive to sound) and his dad and his gf turned up made a huge fuss of giving DS a remote control car he'd been after for ages in front of everyone and basking in the glow of DS's achievements. The car didn't work and my DP sat up all night, literally resoldering the entire board on it so the electrics worked. DS loves it to this day, and hasn't a clue that DP fixed it for him. It's a pretty good analogy for our life to be fair, XH makes promises and chats lots of shit, DP quietly fixes things and is the constant in DSs life and is always there. He is starting to realise this and if his dad and DP are standing side by side and he needs something, it's DP he'll ask. I know I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but what I mean is that as your kids grow, they'll understand that you are their constant, you are their safe place, their security and their solid foundation. Excitement is all well and good, and I hope he doesn't let them down. But you are what they need.

Can I just add that if possibly when he lets the kids down. It's not up to you to fix it. Comfort your children by all means, never slag off their dad or get involved in tit for tat but don't cover up for him either.

They soon realise for themselves which side their bread is buttered. My son loves his dad but is under absolutely no illusions which of us is the actual constant parent and I have NEVER said a bad word to him or in front of him ... He's learned it all himself.

Was actually very recently my son commented (whilst I was mning) that when he speaks to me, no matter what I'm doing, I immediately give him attention and asked why does it take him to say 'dad' X 100 before he gets a response and even then he's not really listening. I felt really sorry for him 😕 Sorry gone off on a tangent there myself!

Also, be ready to head out yourself when he turns up - coat on, bundle yourself and the kids out the door. Ask him what time he'll be back with them. If he says he 'doesn't know' tell him that he can drop them off at you're Mums, or text 30 mins before - but you hope he's better organised next time. If he asked you where you're going - 'Out. just out.' 'You're here to see the kids not me' If he gets arsey - walk away.

When he drops them back block him from coming in the door. Tell the kids to say Bye Bye to Daddy. Tell him that you want him its time to go now, you've got things to do. That you do not want to talk and you've got to get on. Sorry, bye, close door. If he starts asking why - 'becuase I don't want to' with a pleasant smile as if he's hard of understanding.

DO NOT thank him for taking his own children out.

Basically have a strategy. Be brisk but pleasant, bland, polite. Don't give him anything to grab hold of. I used to channel Margot Leadbetter.

Great advice from feck

I'm loving the channel Margo