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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He hasn't come home

999 replies

NoCapes · 11/09/2016 07:27

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
NoCapes · 16/09/2016 22:40

sky I hope so
And if you need any support, seriously start yourself a thread - I can not tell you how much you lot have helped me, I know 100% I wouldn't have done this without you all behind me, I'd be wandering round the house now wondering where he is/whether he was coming back/whether I should bolt the door or he'd be back once I was in bed
I can not tell you how much lighter I feel
We're here if you need us Flowers

OP posts:
NoCapes · 16/09/2016 22:41

pissed as a fart Grin

OP posts:
skyyequake · 16/09/2016 22:57

I did start my own thread! Hasn't had much traction but then again I'm not too good at talking about myself via written word... So I probably seem like i have the personality of a wet flannel Grin I was also pretty down in the dumps when I wrote it

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/09/2016 22:59

Ooh capes you've gone all sorted and reassuring as a person formerly in an abusive relationship Grin I like this.

NoCapes · 16/09/2016 23:00

Oh! Link to it here, I feel like I'm really hogging the relationships board atm, have some of my lovely traffic Grin

OP posts:
LMGTFY · 16/09/2016 23:04

Fissed as a part. Me too. Who else is typing with one eye open? I clocked the my house, it is your house, and your home, the sanctuary for you and the dc, knobjockey free. He's such a poor little victim isn't he? How hard done to. Still listening to this shit from my father now, some people are just selfish and will never change. Wine for you, hope you have a good night sleep starfishing the bed and get a lie in.

skyyequake · 16/09/2016 23:05

Dunno if this'll work because I'm on mobile

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2733475-Where-do-I-start

And don't feel bad!! You're an inspiration Grin this should be moved to classics Wink

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/09/2016 23:06

Should we have a toast to capes' mum? Since we have Wine

skyyequake · 16/09/2016 23:07

knobjockey Grin

NoCapes · 16/09/2016 23:08

Giddy I know! Hark at me! Like I'm one to give out advice Hmm!

Yes Wine to Mama Capes - who will be needing that right now with my feral children on a Friday night

OP posts:
skyyequake · 16/09/2016 23:14

You are one to give out advice! You've done everything perfectly - no wobbling and calling him, no responding to texts, no letting him talk you around...

You are a Star

GiddyOnZackHunt · 16/09/2016 23:34

Consider her toasted :)

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 16/09/2016 23:40

Pissed as a farty newt? Grin

DeriArms · 17/09/2016 00:29

GO CAPES do not relent, you're doing the right thing

GO CAPES

GO CAPES

bikerlou · 17/09/2016 00:32

My husband likes to go to nightclubs and gigs which I hate but I'm ok with that as we've agreed terms and I hate that stuff, I don't see why I should restrict him having a good time but if he did it without any discussion and came back covered in makeup I would be seriously pissed off as he is not even trying to protect you from his canoodling with other women, just doing it brazenly, he clearly does not respect you at all.

OddThomas7 · 17/09/2016 00:36

Just RTWT in one sitting and I have to reiterate how amazing you are NoCapes. Reading it like that, the change in the tone of your posts and the increase in your confidence is so obvious and phenomenal.

Also, one more for the playlist: So What by Pink.

Littlelostdinosaur · 17/09/2016 00:55

You, my dear, are bloody awesome. You are doing everything amazingly. You've got the perfect mindset to deal with whatever the twatbadger tries on. Keep it up Capes. You legend Wine

myfriendnigel · 17/09/2016 06:59

Enjoy your kid free lie in this morning capes...
Did you say you'd painted the playroom? In the middle of all this? I think you might actually be superhuman! >>eyes paint bought 6 months ago for kitchen wall and still in pot

madgingermunchkin · 17/09/2016 07:03

You and your hand by Pink.

MotherDuckSaid · 17/09/2016 08:13

You seem like a totally different person than from ur first posts... It's glorious and i salute you !
Hope ur head isn't sore today! Excellent that ur mum is stepping in and supporting you 😊

ProjectGainsborough · 17/09/2016 08:35

What an amazing thread! Hope your head's ok today Capes.

It took my mum 20 years to leave my abusive father. I can honestly say that if she hadn't, and hadn't found my lovely, supportive stepfather, who did all the stuff a dad is supposed to, I wouldn't be in a normal supportive relationship now.

You did good.

Treadlightly · 17/09/2016 08:57

Listening to your playlist on Spotify whilst making cupcakes this morning!
You rock nocapes!!

Iamdobby63 · 17/09/2016 09:11

Did I miss a party last night?

Capes you are doing amazingly well, you may still have some down moments when sorting out the nitty gritty stuff but don't let it burst your bubble, you are fab!

Flappyhat · 17/09/2016 09:13

I have been reading and silently rooting for you. Not had anything to add to the thread though. But LOVE the playlist and am just downloading it to play whilst I tidy my kitchen.

KOKO Nocapes you are doing fab Flowers

Mix56 · 17/09/2016 09:46

I'm not psychic Capes, (if I had have been my life would have been a lot less wretched !) but I have read "The abusive Dickhead manual for lonely downtrodden mothers",
Step by step, he will follow the script.

So, Did you start the benefits? If you don't & he decides his next card to play is to keep his salary, you will be financially in difficulty & then your resolve will falter. also at this point you can ignore him, but it will not be the case when you can't pay the rent/elec/nappies etc.
You say you have some savings, but what happens when they are used up?

He knows he has the upper hand re money, you can wait now for him to start using it. & he will.

He has contacted you because he is sitting alone in his mother's house/other on a Saturday am, & has nothing to do.... It may not be as pleasant as all that, his Mother, may be telling him to sort it out, or get a flat, or enquiring just how long he is staying...She/They may not condone either, his going out all night, every night, & lazing around on the w/e !
he may also have been putting on a show for her/them & showing more decent behaviour, he may be missing his Poker nights, & getting weary of being a (fake) reasonable person !

You will have to provide him with access to kids (have they even mentioned he is not around yet?) If he says he has rights, you say yes you do, your children are keen to go out, you can collect them at X, & return them at X...
You do not need to talk to him. You have detached, so don't listen to his golden lies, promises, memories of good times, presents, off of marriage,
He had ample time to cherish you. He didn't.

Totally amazed you painted the play room ! Awesome !