He hasn't come home

[NoCapes]

"D"P goes out a lot, I've started threads on him before, I mean he literally goes out 4/5 times a week
And he goes out every single Saturday night
He always gets in early hours of the morning and he sleeps on the couch
There's been the odd 'emergency' where he comes in at 8/9am-ish (friend was in hospital after a fight etc)
He's come in twice with make up on his t-shirt

Last night he went out and I've just got up with the baby to discover he hasn't come home
His phone is switched off

Will you all give me a shake and tell me the absolute glaringly obvious?...

Ok I agree it was a nice thing to do, yes, if he stayed in most nights, pulled his weight, shared everything, then thought, bless her, she deserves a treat, so I'll surprise her, then lovely.

But I think he was pushing his luck, knew you were getting peed off, and wanted to get a few brownie points in the bank.

That's what I think it was. A good man would treat you because he loved you because you deserved to be spoilt. I think his motives were considered to keep you sweet.

I agree you might have been sending out 'breaking point' signals out. Something had changed that made you stay with this thread.
And wouldn't you rather he'd looked after you properly in hospital than throwing a bit of money at a 'treat' for him and you?

There we go - that's what I needed

He could have booked it for you and mama capes.

Still avoiding doing any work!

Take himself to a restaurant more like.

Very true Bill
He'll probably still have his lovely day out tomorrow now aswell!

Talk is cheap!

Why don't you ask him for the car?
Tell him you need it.
There's 4 of you and 1 of him.

Been following your thread & just want to say - you are my new hero & you are doing amazing
I ve been in a similar situation & one thing you said earlier that really resonated & I want you to remember tonight- was not locking the door "in case".
I used to do this & it really really cut deep, I'd be lying wake awake all night with the dc's & he would really not give 2 camels that the front door was unlocked.
Remember this tonight, lock your door, remove your keys & go to bed and rest safe in the knowledge you DO NOT have to worry about this tonight

I know it's really really really hard now, and it seems lonely because this has become your normality, but it gets easier & a hell of a lot better.
X

I've been following your journey and you're doing bloody brill!!!
Go girl!!!!
(Oh and tip top tip ....... don't run out of wine )

A spa day would be nice. But being properly looked after in hospital would have been nicer. Not disappearing and leaving you to recover while simultaneously look after the kids ... well, it would have been nicer.

Stand firm, girl

It was nice of him to book you lunch etc. Fair play to him, it was nice.

So on one side of the scales, you have the staying out, the strippers, the lack of support, the lack of respect, the lack of care about his kids, the presumed definite affairs, basically a metric fucktonne of stuff.

On the other side of the scales he just dropped a feather. It's a fucking feather against all his shit.

Ain't gonna do it. You didn't kick him out because you were pining away for lack of a spa day.

Stay strong

But was the Spa day all schmooze talk? trying to get some Brownie points, he said that to mama Capes, but had it been really booked, wouldn't he have told you by now to try & scratch his way back into you good books....to show you, he had already planned a treat for you.
Actions not Words........& so on & so forth...
He can stick his Spa day. tosser

Giraffes I think that sums it up perfectly tbh

And mix also a good point, I have no idea if it's really booked...guess I'll never know

I have to admit, it did cross my mind but I didn't want to say that surely, if it had been booked he'd have told you by now to try and earn brownie points?!

Yes I suppose he would've said by now wouldn't he

A selfless act would be to have still given you your treat (if it existed) just without him, he could still have sent you off to the spa. But there is nothing in it for him so.....

i agree why didnt he bring it up and say in his defence he booked a spa day

an why does he need one anyway

Just wanted to say that I think what you've done is amazing and please stay strong!

Yup. Was never booked, and even if it was, it would have been pissing in the ocean.

Hey, here's a treat: start thinking of the name for your new thread, because we're only a page and a bit from filling this one!

Just stayed up way past my bedtime to rtft.

I bloody love you Capes. You are inspirational. I don't think you even realise how much strength you have shown, but one day you will look back and realise what an awesome woman you are.

When you feel ready, and if you are feeling a little isolated, try looking up local stay and plays or groups at the Childrens centres nearby if there are any. It can help seeing the same adults regularly and you may pick up a few friends now that you are being crushed at home.

Also - plan ahead for weekends. I know from experience v v hard as no toddler groups and everyone else seems to do stuff with family. Plan one day out with kids and the other pottering about and doing general stuff. Maybe set up weekly Sunday lunch at your mums if that's feasible.

Wishing you ongoing strength and I hope you stay happy

*now that you are NOT being crushed at home

If it was booked he'd have let you know by now. I think it was a passing throw-away remark to your mum to make himself look like a good guy to her, but because it wasn't ever going to happen he's forgotten he's said it.

Hope that doesn't hurt to read, just my opinion. He's trying to make you feel bad by text. If the spa day was going to happen he'd have used that too surely? I'm amazed at your strength. The bit that got me was when you couldn't be bothered to text back because what did you want from responding - nothing.

Just to let you know about when you asked for a delayed reaction to all this, I left my ex as he did fuck all for me. In fact, like yours, he made my life harder. When I left I never cried about it. I expected a delayed reaction but none came. Why? Because my life improved 100% after I left. As will yours. You're doing it on your own anyway, as was I. Turned out life was simpler and more positive with him out of it.

preemptive wow I've never had to start a second thread before!

exercising a mum at school who has a DS a couple of months older than mine was actually telling me about a playgroup she goes to every week the other day, she said I should go with her sometime - but now I haven't got a pissing car!
The DC's school actually has a weekly play and stay session that I used to take the older 2 to, maybe I'll give that a try this week
And I am definitely going to make some plans for next weekend - definitely!
Oh and thank you

annie I think I'll be really sad if I don't feel any reaction at all at any point tbh
I know my life will improve, but it's still really sad that it has come to this. And I do did love him, so I think it'd be really really sad to just feel nothing

I think you're all right and there was never anything planned for today, just another thing that made him look like the good guy wasn't it

The kids have asked if they can see him today, I've text him but had no reply yet
I don't know if I'm ready to see him

nocapes just be careful and plan how to deal with handovers... Say he can't see them in the house, he can take them out. Doorstep only.

Maybe prep the kids that you won't get an answer until late as he's probably hungover!

Weekends are rubbish-having a regular lunch with mama capes was pp suggested would be good, even just at the beginning to get you though the first month or two.