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Where do I start?

(332 Posts)
skyyequake Thu 15-Sep-16 16:34:52

I have no idea what I'm expecting to get from posting here, so I guess that I'll just tell the story and you can just shake me/comment whatever you think

When I met DP he was wonderful, we clicked straight away, had lots of laughs and he seemed really down to earth and wonderful. We quickly started spending most of out time together (I worked PT but with lots of overtime, he was unemployed) All my friends had gone off on their second year of uni around this time and so I wasn't spending time with anyone other than him. I was 20, he was 22.

Anyway, I guess I kind of got lost in that world without many outside influences and before I knew it (far too soon and before I really had time for my thoughts to catch up with me) we were engaged and I was pregnant. (I was happy about being pregnant and I wasn't forced into it)

The first time we had a disagreement was about me texting my friend (who was male) he said I was texting and felt like I was more engrossed in my phone than on our time together. I disagreed but compromised and agreed to text less. This quickly dwindled into not texting at all due to DPs sulking every time I sent a single text.

The next time I heard from my friend was when he sent out a mass Christmas text, I replied and we got talking. I mention I was pregnant and he congratulated me. It was at this point that DP went mental because I was smiling at my phone (because I was excited about pregnancy) and I apparently gave him a "look" which meant I must be flirting/cheating or something. I told him I could talk to whoever I liked and this just seemed to confirm to him that I was doing something dodgy. We had a massive argument. He told me I had no self-respect (I had been completely honest about my sexual history). This was the first time he pushed me to break down in tears.

Over my pregnancy, we had a ton of arguments where he would blow up and tell me I was lazy, stupid, naive, etc telling me that he was just trying to make me a "better person". I can't count the amount of times he left me in the bedroom balling my eyes out, cradling my bump and apologising for bringing her into such crap.

During my first trimester I had really bad morning sickness which left me feeling nauseous all of the time, I could barely sleep, and I was still working PT on a shop floor so on my feet all shift. It left me feeling depressed and exhausted. He would complain to me that we weren't having sex, because it made him feel like I didn't care about/love him anymore. One time we were in the middle of doing some sexual stuff and I suddenly had to dart out of the room to literally go and throw up in the toilet. When I got back he was sulking because "it didn't make him feel very wanted"

After DD was born, DP had to go away for a couple of days to paint up and move us into our new flat (we were in a shared house before). It was supposed to be a couple of days and I was in hospital for 3, when he still wasn't done I went to stay with my DGM. It took him (and family members) 3 weeks to complete it. When I would get frustrated that he would give me a "done by" date and then on that day say that they were nowhere near finished, he would yell down the phone at me that he was stressed and exhausted (I was looking after a newborn essentially on my own, whilst DGM did what she could she was nearly 80 at the time).

DGM overheard some of this, and when I told him that he was just stressed etc, she told me to never let him get up with the baby at night, as it only takes one time of anger for him to do something. He's never laid a hand on DD (now 14 months) but I always keep that in the back of my head.

Since we subsequently moved into our flat, DP has left basically everything up to me. He never did night feeds, rarely did nappies, hardly ever did any cleaning/housework. I was left with PND and when we argued he would corner me (although he denies this) and yell in my face whilst I was holding DD. Sometimes he would force me to give her to him, I would resist at first but then give in for fear he would try and snatch her off me and hurt her. Then he would continue screaming at me whilst he held her. He would continue to call me a lazy, naive little girl and would tell me that he had to break me down from what I was in order to build me back up again, and that at least now I had some self-respect.

In between all this he would be lovely. He would apologise for things he had said, citing anger problems as the reason. He said that he didn't mean anything he said during anger, even when I pointed out that that surely is what he's really thinking and he'd just done away with his filter. He denies this.

We broke up earlier this year for three months. It was always temporary, until he proved that he could step up and do his share of housework and childcare. After that amount of time he really seemed to have changed and so I (stupidly) let him back.

Almost immediately he began to fall backwards and has become more and more difficult to try and talk to about it. Telling me I'm nagging/moaning/"the only one who hasn't changed is you". This culminated last night when he accused me of not cleaning to "the same standard he can" and that when I was on my own with DD my "standard of hygiene was unlivable" (I spoke to my NDN today, who was around a lot during that time, she said there was nothing wrong with the cleanliness of my home)

He has also told me on occasion that I'm not really Bi, because you can only be gay and straight, and that it doesn't matter anyway because I'm with him so sexuality is irrelevant. He's also suggested that I'm more likely to cheat on him because I'm Bi.

I have no friends left, I don't know if my dad will understand how bad it is (he usually has excuses for him), and my DGM died in June. I'm NC with my mum, and I have no one left except my NDN who is lovely and probably the only reason I haven't gone insane.

I don't know if I can get him to leave again. The only reason he left before was because I got him to think it was his idea, he won't make that mistake again.

I keep telling him that I want the person I met back, but I don't think that person exists anymore, if they ever did.

Sorry for any typos and that this is so long.

adora1 Thu 15-Sep-16 16:39:21

I've only read the first two paragraphs, you are in a very abusive relationship and deserve a million times better but I'd imagine you must know this by now.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 15-Sep-16 16:41:04

I won't make this long winded.
You need to make the police your best friend. Ring them every time.
He is an abusive twat.
Get a restraining order. Tell your ndn the whole truth. Good luck.

Tarttlet Thu 15-Sep-16 17:14:30

Oh OP sad flowers I'm afraid I don't have any advice - leaving abusive relationships isn't something I know much about, but I want you to know that yes, he is abusive, and yes, you and your daughter need to leave.

skyyequake Thu 15-Sep-16 17:24:34

He doesn't do the yelling thing anymore... He still tries to manipulate me but he's much more subtle about it, nothing I could call the police over...

I forgot to mention, my NDN was in an abusive relationship and has been slowly making comparisons between what I tell her and her Ex... I think she's been subtly trying to tell me for a while

He's back from work now. He apologised. He then got grumpy because I didn't apologise too...

Morasssassafras Thu 15-Sep-16 17:27:19

but I don't think that person exists anymore, if they ever did

You're right, he never was that person, he was just hiding his true self because he knew he had no chance if you met the real him too early. Same for when you thought he'd changed. He will revert to this him whenever he thinks he will get away with it.

Please call women's aid on 08082000247, they will be able to help and advise you on what your next steps should be. Yes it is that bad and no you won't be wasting their time.

SlowJinn Thu 15-Sep-16 17:51:07

Leave him and leave him now. Think what your DGM would say if she was still here. For your child's sake, go. Neither of you deserve this abusive control freak.

skyyequake Thu 15-Sep-16 17:53:58

I know emotional abuse is bad, I went through it with my mum and SF... I never thought I'd be back in it again...

He's quizzing me on what I'm typing about

kaitlinktm Thu 15-Sep-16 19:28:45

You must protect yourself Skyyequake - now that he has shown in interest.

Make sure you log off when you have finished. He can't access your emails/accounts from another device can he - clouds and so on (not very technology-savvy, sorry)? Delete your browsing history and/or use private browsing - delete any "incriminating" texts etc.

Other, wiser, posters will be along I am sure - but couldn't you ring Women's Aid for advice. I think they will advise on EA as well as physical - but others will confirm this.

You do need to separate though. Imagine what your DD is learning about relationships - would you want this for her?

ImperialBlether Thu 15-Sep-16 19:39:39

Did he ever get himself a job, OP?

Luvjubs Thu 15-Sep-16 20:12:06

Oh op sad
He is abusing you. Please call the police every time he does. As your daughter gets bigger he will be behaving exactly the same (probably worse actually) in front of her. She will grow up believing that that's how relationships are. Please try and tell someone in real life too.
Are you renting? Is the tenancy in both your names? I advise calling womens aid. Hugs

blackcherries Thu 15-Sep-16 22:18:17

Please, please, make things safe and practical for you to leave as soon as you can. I hope this doesn't sound patronising but you are young, relationships definitely should not be like this. Caring for a baby changes even the most solid relationship, of course, but this isn't a 'blip' or anything. It's one thing to let yourself be this unhappy but for your daughter's sake you need to be safe, and allowed to live your own life.

skyyequake Fri 16-Sep-16 08:49:38

Thank you for all your replies

Imperial Yes he did get a job, he works full time (40hrs a week) that was when he started leaving all the housework to me, and then when DD cam along all the childcare fell to me too

We had an argument last night, which was why I wasn't on, he said some not very nice things but I did my best to stay calm(ish) and eventually he said all of the right things (still trying to put some of the blame on me though) but I really just don't believe him. There just isn't any sincerity or emotion there, it's all just practical "we both need to work on it".

He tried to pull the old "you wouldn't have anything if it wasn't for me" which isn't true, and I already know I could do it by myself, but last time was him leaving voluntarily and therefore playing nice. I have NO idea how he would be if it wasn't on friendly terms.

kaitlinktm he's not very tech savvy either. He seems to see all the connectivity, social media, etc as some kind of millennial weakness. The problem is that the only laptop and smartphone belong to me, he uses them quite frequently so he knows the passwords and if I changed them he'd be convinced I was hiding something. He can't access the cloud or anything I don't think he'd know how.

Luvjubs The tenancy is only in my name. I think this upsets him, as he tries to tell me to leave and I reply with "It's my flat". I don't think he likes not having that control.

He has this habit of not doing as I expect, so if I get all worked up and worried about his reaction to something, he will react perfectly "normally". Whereas I can mention something offhand and have a massive overreaction. It makes me lack all confidence in kicking up a fuss about something.

I am worried for DD, she's going into toddlerhood now and I'm scared how his temper will hold up to the usual toddler tanrums etc.

I think I'm getting there. I don't believe him anymore. I don't think he really knows what love is.

Desmondo2016 Fri 16-Sep-16 09:01:15

Ahhh hunny you are being so brave. You know what you need to do and no-one can judge you for taking your time or doing it your way. I was in a similar situation many years ago. I used to dream of him cheating in me so I had a 'legitimate ' reason to kick him out. Someone told me at the time that when you do finally make the move you KNOW that however bad things are now they are going to get worse before they get better. That is, unfortunately, true. BUT if you're going to get to the 'better' but you are going to have to go through the bad but at some point. Given that you already know you don't want to live like this forever, and given that he wont change (he wont), tgen is there really anything to be gained by waiting? He won't leave. It's going to have to come from you. The flat is yours which helps massively. I think you should consider packing up some bags for him, leaving them in a safe place for him to collect and then telling him the relationship is over and he no longer lives with you. Then get on the phone to WA for ongoing support (as well as on MN obviously ). You can do this. Do it for yourself, your gran and your little girl.

ddrmum Fri 16-Sep-16 09:04:14

Contact womens aid. Get him out & make a safe & happy life for you and your DD. The abuse will escalate and possibly very quickly. If you're concerned about going to the police at least let your GP & HV know so that it is documented somewhere. The road ahead won't be easy but it will be worth it.

skyyequake Fri 16-Sep-16 09:22:40

Desmondo I have also wished he would cheat on me, although that line of thinking has only happened over the last month or so.

ddrmum I hadn't thought about HV I may do that thank you

I'm going to try and talk to my NDN today. She's been through the Womans Aid thing and spent some time in one of their shelters. I don't want to do that, I want to stay in my home. But I guess that will depend on if he gets physical.

He's also told me that if we break up and I find someone new that he won't "allow" them to be near DD. I know he can't dictate that, and that it's just trying to control me, but it makes me worried that I'll be dealing with him and his crap forever...

You can tell him leave if the tenancy is in your name only.
If he won't leave then call 101.
Have him removed!
But please do call Womens Aid.
They can help you do all these things safely.
The abuse you have been subjected to is horrendous.
Don't ever underplay it.
Get him away and don't take him back this time.

skyyequake Fri 16-Sep-16 16:42:11

I know I can technically tell him to leave, but he is very insistent on what is "fair" and will convince me I'm being unreasonable and horrible to him... I highly doubt I would get the chance to call 101 I would have my phone snatched out of my hand...

It's hard when all the obvious stuff has stopped... He got close last night but now it's all underhand tactics, the ones you can't put your finger on and make you look ridiculous or petty when you try to vocalise them...

He's gotten smarter with practice I think

skyyequake Fri 16-Sep-16 16:44:51

Who would I contact about getting supervised access? I'm worried about leaving DD on her own with him, especially once she gets older

Marmalade85 Fri 16-Sep-16 16:57:59

You need to call the police and get him to leave right now. You have a responsibility to protect your child. You simply cannot wait until it gets physical.

I have recently come out of a very similar relationship which included violence and there is so much support out there. You will be taken seriously but only you can take the first steps.

NoCapes Fri 16-Sep-16 23:27:09

Oh sky I can't believe you've been posting all the lovely things you have on my thread and you're going through all of this

He is abusing you - but you know that
He will go on to abuse your DD - but you know that
She will grow up considering this a normal relationship - but you know that too

You're starting to see the light, that's good, roll with that
Make a list of all the pros and cons of this relationship (I suspect one column will be blank) and then make a list of all the things that will be better without him
Keep reading it
And keep adding to it

Find your anger!!
How dare he treat you like this?!
Look at your tiny defenceless baby and think of all the shit she's unknowingly been witness too already
How dare he treat her like that!
Who the fuck does he think he is?!

Get angry
Stay angry
This will never change, he will never change, but you can

And it's not as hard as you think I promise

NoCapes Fri 16-Sep-16 23:28:28

Oh and flowers & wine of course

I'm echoing capes here. This is a seriously emotional abusive man. You deserve better. So does your DD. You have to stop listening to what he's saying to you. Take a mental and emotional step back. He's isolated you. He's admitted to grinding you down. But it's not so he can build you up (you're supposed to be in a loving relationship - not the marines ffs) it's so he can control you.
And please - call women's aid - they can advise you. As the house is in your name, and you're not married you do have an advantage. But I'm betting that he'll start to make noises about moving - to somewhere in his name.

Check to see what you're entitled to. Start gathering info so you know where you stand. And most importantly start making some mental distance so you can think clearly.

LesisMiserable Sat 17-Sep-16 00:11:33

So apart from the honeymoon period this has been a pretty shit relationship but you've stated with him and had a child with him.

Now you (understandably) want out. To clarify - yes indeed you will be stuck with this crap forever if you split - or at least until he has another relationship and particularly if he has more children - he'll more than likely become less of a problem because odds on he'll fade out of yours and your daughters life (sad for her, but true, usually).

So yes to sum up, life isn't about staying in a shit relationship and asking each other to change. Move on. No regrets.

Hidingtonothing Sat 17-Sep-16 00:59:39

First things first I really think talking to WA has to be your first step, it must all feel pretty overwhelming and they will help you plan what to do next and take some of the weight off your shoulders. If you have any concerns about the privacy of your phone would calling them from NDN's be an option, it sounds like she would be happy to see you finally taking steps to get free of him. I've heard a few people say it's difficult to get through to WA on the national number, if you do find you have trouble have a look on their website, there's a function to search for services in your area and might be a local branch you can ring instead. Just focus on taking that one, first step for now and see where it takes you, that can sometimes be less daunting than trying to solve the whole thing in one go. Please do something though, it's so easy to let things keep jogging along but you just never know when the abuse might suddenly ramp up and the outcome could be catastrophic for you and DD. You sound so lovely, you deserve so much better than this flowers

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