Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

I'd be very, very unhappy with this kind of unilateral decision-making. I'd want to ensure my children's future first.

I'd be waiting a while before making an decisions about the money. I would hope the money would pay off your mortgage and sort out your house OP, as a PP said, if your MIL had wanted to leave it all to charity she could have made provision for that to happen.

However I've recently inherited money for the first time, a very small 4 figure sum, and it's MY money. DH never even questions that. It should have been my Grans money, then my dads. But default it's now mine. Nothing whatsoever to do with DH. I'd feel the same if he'd inherited money.

In time I may spend it on a family holiday, or something for the house, I have no idea. It's too emotional to deal with just now so the money will sit in the bank until I can think clearly. One of my first reactions was to give it to charity too - it's money I don't feel I deserve and has too much emotional attached to it, I just wanted rid of it. Of course, it's not a 6 figure sum but the irrational reasoning behind it might be the same.

• and when the charities returned the cheques, some mentioned they had a policy of doing this because quite often people who were not themselves wrote cheques and then spouses or children or parents contacted them to ask about the money and to explain that their relative was not compos mentis.

I haven't rtft but I just wanted to add this. I inherited some money yesterday. I came completely out of the blue. It wasn't as much as your dh but it was five figures. It's a lot to process. Giving it away might be a way of not dealing with his mum's death. I rang my DB and he'd had the same and felt completely overwhelmed by it. Try not to lose you're shit with him but understand that he may be struggling with grief. I realise other posters have said this.

There are lots of great charities. Local ones with very low overheads because they don't employ staff and ate run out of people's homes. Pick carefully and you can make a huge difference to specific groups of people who need extra support. Think of your local hospices for example.

But, although it is ultimately his decision, he does need to allow the OP to discuss their situation...not just turn his back on her.

I would be furious in your position. A marriage is a partnership. Such a major decision should be made together.

This is his money, from his mother.

His moral arguments about need and passing on wealth are both sound.

I think he sounds like an extremely decent man, unusual in a selfish, materlialistic society hellbent on a return to feudalism.

I certainly wouldn't consider divorcing someone like that to get half of their money.

Although I'm sure someone as good as that woukd be better off away from a person who would consider that a reasonable course of action.

If I was his mother I woukd be very proud of the son I raised.

If you divorce him you'll be entitled to half of it.

He should set fire to the money rather than give a penny to someone eho would divorce him just to get their hands on half his inheritance.

Pressed too soon, then you could give it to your DCs. If he isn't going to look out for them, you can.

The money is his, not joint. Legally he can do what he wants with it.

And he will be be able to give it to charity far quicker than you can divorce him, so that's a really stupid idea if your aim is to get the money (not to mention morally questionable).

Surely you wouldn't divorce someone over this? And as another poster said, I bet if the woman was saying what she would do with an inheritance no one would be so angry.

My DH inherited a sum of money when his DM died and bought something that he wanted, I do get some benefit from it but it was not what I would have chosen but I felt it was entirely his decision.

Give it time, let him come to terms with it and perhaps gently point out some of the repairs etc./outstanding mortgage that needs to be done.

And please be careful about which charity he chooses to donate to - I work for a charity and the salaries / perks etc for the 'senior team' are truly enormous - they will have no problem paying their mortgages off.

Op, perhaps his fear of what damage money might do to your marriage is what made him want to give it away?

I'd say handle this calmly and put facts on the table. Mortgage, kids future etc... Don't come across as you just want to lay your hands on the money.

Don't listen to some of the comments asking you to get a lawyer etc. It's too early for that and trust me it will most certainly end in divorce! Money is important but not everything.

I think your hubby needs to see the facts and understand he can still do good and look after his family at the same time.

I got an inheritance last year and we decided together as a family what to do with it. I just think it's a very weird attitude.

Hopefully it's grief and he will calm. You won't see any money for a good few months so there is aplenty of time to talk rationally about it.

I would just avoid the subject for a while until you get past the initial grief.

I agree with your husband that giving money to charity is a good thing . If always tried to give away a reasonable proportion of my disposable income .

BUT I would only do that after taking care of my financial responsibilities to my children . So in your case I would first pay off the mortage, ensure the house is in good repair and invest money for the children's education.

Of course they shoudl make their own way in the world,, but unless you have a family business for them to walk straight into, they need a good university education. And that's very expensive, especially if you live in England .

His kids won't be very impressed if he gives it all away and then they can't go to university etc because they can't afford it / he drops dead / runs off with his secretary

I agree with everyone who says get him to put it away for a year until he can get Financial advice. Then you can look together at the options .

He needs to do some serious research on any chartity he wants to give it to. As others have said, it could end up being wasted on a years salary for some celebrity " chairperson " or private school fees for staff kids.

Someone I know who has some family money ( and no kids to leave it to ) has invested it and each year, uses the income to sponsor some post graduate students ina a university department. It's in a fairly niche subject where this couple have a particular interest and students come from all over the world .

I think they sponsor about 3-4 students a year at about £10k each . They also gift lump sums for capital projects for equipment , but they get far more pleasure from meeting the students and hearing about their research and the impact they are making.

So it's quite possible to invest money wisely in a charity but it takes TIME and EFFORT and THOUGHT. Which your husband doesn't seem to have much of at present .

the grandiosity inherent in the idea of personally saving the world by writing cheques

Great point - spot on. Grief made me act strangely (really strangely) for a long while. For example, I rushed into the decision to get a puppy (rescue) - when we already had 1 dog, and I should have been looking after myself, not taking on more work. Looking back, we collected this pup exactly 1 month after dad had died - and only 2 weeks after the funeral. crazy behaviour. Had I been a bit younger, I may well have had another baby. I wanted something young, a new life in the family. I wish my DH had stepped in actually, although I'm v determined, and probably wouldn't have listened to him.

I did lots of other strange things too - although my thoughts about the money were always that I didn't want to spend it on myself - it was dad's money - but would save it and use it for good things for the children.

The thing that I find disturbing is the fact your DH has closed down the conversation and refuses to respect your position as his DW who is bringing up your DC and the contribution you make in his life. Abject disrespect, awful. It should be a partnership.

My DBro died in Feb. I was talking to my DH the other day about the fact we could potentially have an inheritance from our uncle at some point (I don't expect it, it's a possibility). I said to him it seems only fair that I would give some of it to my SIL as I know my DBro would be happy she is cared for after his death. The key thing was I told DH we would talk about it if it became a reality and decide together, it would not be a unilateral decision.

I would just let him donate it.

This thread is absolute gold dust for those that that talk about gold diggers etc. I know many will say it's about decision making but many seem focuses on the money. No mention of the DH grieving over his mum, no just literally rob him by transferring the money into an account solely in OPs name the minute it's transferred into his account. Or divorce him to get the money, whilst he's probably emotionally In turmoil.

I completely agree with Doingit I can't believe that the OP is being advised to divorce her grieving DH over money. It's shocking.
And how would the mortgage, etc have been paid off if the MIL hadn't left an inheritance?

Completely agree with DoinItFine (first time for everything)

Some people here are so cold!
I think this is where to come if you need a reason to divorce and trust me some people here will give you a ton of reasons to go ahead.

Legally it's his money! And the more you come across as money hungry I'm sure the more determined he will be to give it all away.

Can't believe someone just suggested " divorce him and you'll get half". Op you may regret doing that, money is not everything.

Thank you all for your replies. What really hurts me here is that I feel cut out of the decision making. We have four dc between us 26, 24, 22 & 17. He is not the father of the oldest two but we have all live together as one family. I have a horrible sinking feeling that he doesn't want the two he isn't the father of to benefit from 'his' family money. I have a terrible headache. I feel like someone's taken a pair of scissors and snipped my marriage in half over night.

There are people out there who need it. Trusting a charity to distribute it to those in need is another thing though. In many charities up to 80% of donations go towards staff fees, a lot of that being taken up by the salaries of their executives as often they 'rely' upon volunteers to do the actual work. Some of the ones associated with the most powerful institution in the world are even dodgier.

Your husband sounds naive and financially illiterate. He'd have more control over who the money goes to and potentially donate even more over time if he put it in an interest bearing account (hard to find admittedly) and just paid a portion of the interest to the charities of his choice.

The man has just lost his mother. The posters suggesting divorce to ensure the OP gets "her" half is a bonkers overreaction. There is not enough information in the OP yet to be thinking down this road. If he was close to his mum and he's not coping very well with the loss and didn't expect such a large sum of money, this might very well have thrown him. He might just need support from his wife to think this through logically, not threats of divorce.