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Original poster

Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

382 replies

Drizl · 07/09/2016 23:34

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

OP posts:
flippinada · 09/09/2016 22:17

What an awful thread this is.

Not the poor OP (who I doubt will be back and frankly I don't blame her) but the posts making frankly nasty and uncalled for judgements based on very little information - some flat out accusing the OP of hot footing it to the solicitors to demand a divorce from her grieving DH and being a lazy, conniving gold-digger to boot.

This is a huge, life changing sum of money for the vast majority of people and it's naive to pretend otherwise. Her DH who she's been with for 22 years has just made a unilateral decision without discussing it with his life partner. Of course he will be grieving and he may not be thinking straight. He may change his mind after some thought, he may not. But OP is NU in the slightest to wonder what is going on and feel unsettled and disturbed by all this.

KarmaNoMore · 10/09/2016 08:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AntiqueSinger · 10/09/2016 08:42

That's horrible Karma. It does illustrate well the point that is easier to give to charity when you are really rich, so that what you give will never require any true sacrifice though.

GarlicMist · 10/09/2016 14:24

Well, yes - my "when I win the lottery" plan (despite the fact I don't buy tickets!) starts with a rough estimate of how much I'll need to live safely & well. I genuinely would give nearly all of it away. But it isn't sensible to give away so much that you end up needing financial support yourself.

Since OP shared so little, we've got no idea of their pre-bereavement financial backup situation. I just didn't like the attitude her posts seemed to convey.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/09/2016 16:34

Karma can I ask if you're happy to go along with providing for your parents after the choices they made? Only it wasn't clear from your post whether this is something they'd just expect, or whether you're actually prepared to do it ...

KarmaNoMore · 10/09/2016 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lozster · 11/09/2016 11:28

I don't know what the legal situation is but it is odd that inherited money should be regarded as 'special' or 'different' to any other money coming in to a household.

What if the inheritor had previously brought no cash to a relationship but their partner had and that partner was the substantial contributor to the household? Doesnt seem right that the inheritor benefits from their partners contribution AND gets to sit on a wodge of cash reserved exclusively for them.

Different scenario to the OP however yes, the OP may not have the 'right' to tell her OH what to do with his money but she does have the right to feel aggrieved by his actions.

coconutpie · 11/09/2016 12:05

Seek legal advice immediately. It's now family money, you are married. He is going completely against MIL's wishes and she's probably turning in her grave now at the thoughts of this just being given away selfishly. That's what your H is being - a selfish prick. Charity begins AT HOME, he should be helping secure his family's future first and then consider donating to a charity later.

Seeyouontheotherside · 11/09/2016 13:11

Circumstances can change very quickly. My family was very well off until I was seven. As a result of bad choices and ill health we were on the breadline very quickly. It set everyone on a very different course for the worst.

You can afford to be generous with large amounts only if you have large amounts elsewhere. A job or business can be lost so unless you've already made enough to keep yourself going for life if all goes belly up, you can't afford to throw six figure sums away.

I'd be very angry with him. He should be securing his families future. Not throwing it away.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 11/09/2016 13:20

Get yourself a good solicitor asap.
I would not let him get away with this.

Tellitstraight387 · 11/09/2016 13:29

I wouldn't Karma. It's their own fault. They could live on the state pension if they were my parents!

NuckyT · 11/09/2016 16:28

File for divorce and claim half

Just when you think your faith in humanity can't fall any lower, you read a thread like this and realise people's scumbaggery knows no limits.

BabyGanoush · 11/09/2016 17:13

I know Nucky

It's just extraordinary and ugly...

WamBamThankYouMaam · 11/09/2016 17:44

You're talking about using the death of his mother to improve your standard of living. It doesn't sit right with me. And I don't see an inheritance as being a joint thing unless stated that way in the will.

It's his mother for God's sake.

KateInKorea · 11/09/2016 17:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NuckyT · 11/09/2016 18:00

Kateinkorea

By 'scumbaggery' I was referring to those who posted saying the OP should divorce her DH to grab his inheritance. Some very grabby mindsets on display here.

KateInKorea · 11/09/2016 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NuckyT · 11/09/2016 19:41

Without any more detail, her actions are a clear signal that she wanted her son to have it; no more, no less. It's therefore his to do with as his conscience dictates.

flippinada · 11/09/2016 20:11

Of course the money is his and he can do what he wants with it.

However, for anyone who found themselves in this position (a 6 figure inheritance) would you genuinely prefer to donate all of it rather than set some money aside to look after yourself and your family? Why not set a sum aside and then donate the rest?

OP has said her family are comfortable now, but they may not always be. As this is a life changing sum of money then they clearly aren't that well off, otherwise it wouldn't matter.

.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 11/09/2016 20:21

The op has not come back to update

lozster · 11/09/2016 20:30

nucky to be fair I think some of the divorce comments are driven by the fact that this has revealed a side to the OP's OH that has changed their relationship, not by the motivation to grab half of an inheritance. The OP feels that her opinion is not relevant or valued as well as being concerned that an opportunity to 'pay off trouble' has been missed.

WamBamThankYouMaam · 11/09/2016 22:53

In all honesty the thought of profiting from the death of my parents makes me feel uneasy at best. I'm able to provide for myself, and that's probably how the OPs husband feels too. It's very rare that we get to do something which makes such a difference to other people, and yet the OP selfishly wants to try and deny her husband that opportunity.

He didn't have the money before, he won't have it after.

NameChange30 · 11/09/2016 23:10

Everyone who inherits "profits" from someone's death, although that's a horrible way of describing it. I don't think of it that way, I think of it as the deceased person leaving a gift for their loved one(s). When I inherited some money (not a huge amount but still generous) it made me feel sad but not guilty, when I spent it I thought of the person and how they would be pleased about what I spent it on. I imagine losing a parent and inheriting a larger sum could be more difficult to deal with, in terms of the emotions and possible guilt, but I still think the principle is the same. It's not "profiting" from someone's death in an immoral sense, it's graciously accepting a gift from that person. (Not counting people who contest wills, but that's a separate debate!)

Helmetbymidnight · 12/09/2016 10:43

profiting from the death of my parents makes me feel uneasy at best

I really don't know what you are talking about.

I wonder if you hold down a job? Do you 'profit' from the work you do? Ever sold a house? Did you 'profit' from that? Use schools or hospitals? Hmm, you profit from other people's hard work and taxes - that makes me very uneasy.

NuckyT · 12/09/2016 10:50

the thought of profiting from the death of my parents makes me feel uneasy at best

I think of it as the deceased person leaving a gift for their loved one(s)

I can understand both of these positions, and I think it's not hard to see why there would be very complicated emotions around a large inheritance. It's not a huge leap to imagine that 'doing good' with the money rather than using it for yourself would be a way of dealing with these emotions.