Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

Does he have other brothers and sisters?

His inheritance his choice I suppose, but YANBU to be upset

I would like to think this is the grief speaking. I hope so.

There is no way I would be happy if my dh took a unilateral decision like this about an amount of money that could significantly affect your lives. I might get over not having the money but there is no way I would get over him cutting me out of the discussion and decision-making. That isn't a marriage to me. We discuss everything - investments, charitable donations, etc. no matter who earned or inherited the money. It would be the high-handed attitude of "it is mine, nothing to do with you" which would be deeply troubling to me. Not sure how I'd get over it to be honest, if I were you, OP.

Also, if your husband really does want to give it away, he might as well piss it against a wall as just write a cheque to a random charity. He needs to start thinking about which charity he wants to give it to, start forming connections there, build a relationship, think where specifically he wants the money to go. Otherwise, frankly, he is acting like a thoughtless fool.

And forgive me being utterly lurid and cynical here but if he does go ahead and give it all away, I'd like to see the receipt from the charity myself. Just in case it was going into another account...

I think I'm the only one here thinking it's just money. Who cares? runs and hides

Would you not care that your husband refused to discuss a major decision with you? Because despite the "it is only money" attitude, losing significant amounts of money is usually a fairly major thing to the average joe soap. If he was gambling it would you think the same "it is only money?"

I think marriage means very different things to people.

This could be his grief talking - to prosper from such a sad event can be hard to accept/rationalise in the midst of grief. I would ask him to put the money into a savings account and wait for six months so he can make decisions from a more emotionally stable place.

When the time comes I would point out that if his mother had wanted it to be donated to charity she could have stipulated that in her will. Ultimately the money is his - legally she left it to him. However, you are a partnership so he should at least listen to your opinion. But I think it best if that discussion is had when emotions on both sides have settled

His inheritance his choice I suppose, but YANBU to be upset

Not if she divorces and takes half.

Grief affects people differently tell him not to make any rash decisions. I would support him for now.

so let me get this right arepoeple actually syaing divorce him so u get half?

wow

im not syaing hes correct but surely grief has something to dowith it

i couldnt give a shit what my dh done with inherticance money i dont think its my decison to make

Sunshineonacloudyday

There is no guarantee the money would be divided though at all.

That line of thinking is hilarious to me in all honesty.

I was joking I don't think she should divorce him over this at all. Its up to her what she wants to do. If they still have a mortgage to pay and things need doing around the house and he wants to give it away to Battersea dogs home. You have to scratch you're head at that. They have children that money could help them with a mortgage or a wedding etc. It does sound barmy and I don't think that was what his mother would have wanted. I think its to soon to be even thinking about it and he may change his mind.

drizl I think your husband is being incredibly selfish and foolish. It is brilliant to want to help others but wrong to cut you out of such a major decision.

I think in your shoes I would focus on the fact your MIL could easily have left her money to charity or discussed this idea with your dh while alive. The fact she did neither (I assume) means she did not wish to do this! She probably imagined you both enjoying the fruit of her and your FIL's labours and your children having the benefit of it too. Your dh is wiping all this out in favour of what he wants.

Yes, it is only money but what it can do is liberate you from money worries/pay a mortgage/maybe start a new hobby or even business you could not consider otherwise/secure expensive and valuable education for your children. All of which you know.

I would suggest some mediation because it is possible your dh is having some sort of mini breakdown based on the death of his mum. Was it sudden, unexpected, especially painful etc?

I think one thing you could do is ask him to put the money in a secure account for a period of time and allow him to seriously think about this. It sounds like his giving away the money could damage his marriage and his relationship with his children.

For me one part of this is that you and your dh lived next door to his mum for a long time, you were involved in her life and it must be very hurtful that you have been cut out of this so unceremoniously. I think your MIL would be horrified by this.

If he were the sort of man who was always giving away money it would make more sense, but if he is not, then this behaviour is very out of character and should be challenged. Is there a trusted family friend who could talk to him?

Who is the executor? Can you contact them to express your concerns that he may not be reacting in a good way to this and to ask that the funds be withheld for say 6 months?

Tell him that he should make no decision at all about the money for twelve months. This is actually known to be the best advice as in the immediate aftermath of a death, you are in shock and deep grief. I think in time he will probably come round to your way of thinking.

I can't believe people are saying that it's half yours

his mother died and left the estate/ money to him

I'm sorry but I think it's 100% up to him what he does with it. You should just be supporting him, in losing a parent - not trying to mentally calculate what you can spend the money on.

I'm sorry but I think it's 100% up to him what he does with it. You should just be supporting him, in losing a parent

So this is how marriage works is it ...

it is 100 percent the husband's decision what he does with a life-changing amount of money that could impact their joint children. She gets no say.

It is 100 percent the wife's responsibility to support her husband in minding his aging mother and also in grieving.

Why is that? If she has nothing to do with the decision about his money, why is she so central to his emotions? Maybe he should be looking for support from random work colleagues who definitely should have no say in what he does with his money?

like I said before, people have very different ideas about what marriage is. It isn't an emotional pot with everything else on the side.

Completely new to this website so idly clicking on the right upper highlighted areas. Your husband is WRONG!

I think he wants you to be the 'evil one' i.e. if it was up to him, he would be so altruistic and give it all away but because he has a materialistic other half, he'll have to bit the bullet and take all the inheritance!

Obviously, I don't know your circumstances but your work in the home and sacrifices must mean something. If he continues to be so pig headed (and after legal advice it is his money to do whatsoever he wants to do with it) point out that after paying off your mortgage and getting your home fit for human habitation, it will be worth LOADS more in a few years than the inheritance.

I don't know where you are but the charites here are all turning out to be very corrupt, and I no longer trust any of them. he may as wel throw the money into the fire, it will never get yo a needy person.

If he went under cover like the secret millionaire programme, and decided that way who to give it to over a couple of years, it might go to good use, then but that's not even the point. Ye are not millionaires and ye actually need the money.

Money can cause a awful lot of problems, I would seek legal advice to make sure my children got the money and I wouldn't care about that man any longer.

Or canyouforgive it's his decision because the inheritance was left to him, as it would be if it was OP getting the inheritance and what I r seen many times said on MN.

Can't believe people are talking about divorce over money (whilst I think it's silly to give it all away) that they didn't have and I'm sure is money the DH didn't want to receive. I would argue for a grieving period before doing it though

Not if you live in Scotland, where inheritances aren't martial property.

Not here in the US, either, at least not in my state.

I would be fucking furious. Sorry but he's being incredibly selfish.

Can I ask how giving money to Charity is selfish?

Inheritances are not marital property, so it is not half the OPs. I can appreciate why she's so upset though.

It could be grief talking, and a sense of 'guilt' in a way.

Tell him not to rush into anything, take time to think about what is best to do.

My father recently passed away, and I feel guilt, that my mum and dad worked hard all their life, didnt spend much, and now its all left to me, an only child.

Its an overwhelming feeling. Maybe he could consider putting some away in trust for children's education.

The advice to speak to an executor and ask for the money to be withheld for a while is great advice, if possible.

Another thought. Could you wait for the money to land and transfer it immediately to an account solely in your name where he couldn't access it until he's thinking more rationally? You'd need to set up the account with the same bank prior to the money arriving.

Personally I think you must do what you need to do to protect your family. Your dh could have an accident tomorrow and be left unable to work and pay off the mortgage. Obviously this could happen to anyone with or without this money but it would be extremely imprudent not to protect yourselves if you are able.

I'm wondering how old your dc are. It is all very well saying that they need to make their own way, but it is becoming apparent that due to academic issues for one of ours that way is going to be more difficult than the others. I wouldn't give to one and not the others but it would be nice to have enough to help her, and the others.

The other thing to consider, not now but eventually, is your own estate. Maybe consider being tennants in common so you can at least gift your half as you see fit in case you die before him and he gives all your joint estate away against your intentions.