Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

[Drizl]

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

I do know a young man whose life has been " ruined " by being left in the position that he doesn't need to work. He was left a house and several million by his father, so he basically goes out partying with models and footballers .

But I really can't see how that could happen to your children on a large 6 figure sum. By the time you pay inheritance tax, sort out your MIL estate, pay off your mortgage and do up your house adequately , you will probably have enough to have enough for each child to go through university ( at £20k a year ) and that's all.

Maybe £30 -50k left each towards a house deposit? Not exactly enough to ruin their lives .

Let me be the first to say it - three quarters of a million pounds doesn't go very far these day

I just dont understand this idea of inheritances being shared at all. I mean, you could choose to share it, probably would even, but its your choice. its not how (most?) legal systems see it, its not.even how it works in england, noone I know has ever felt that way in rl. bizarre.

If my dh backed me into a corner on this or even hinted at divorce or a right to 50:50, that would be the end of our relationship for me. entitled rude grabby thoughtless behaviour when it is the time for extra love and care of a grieving spouse. perhaps some of you have not yet lost a parent is the only reason I can think why some of you sound so bloody awful.

Agree with everyone saying that this will be grief talking and that the best thing is to support him in his grief and encourage him to wait a while before making any irrevocable decisions. His desire to do good with the money is laudable. Doing good with money can often be a lot more difficult than it initially seems, it would be good for him to learn this without making mistakes.

Lets hope he comes to agree to leave it a year before making major decisions.

One straightforward way forward, mentioned by a PP, would be to pay off your mortgage and consider using the money saved, perhaps a percentage of it, to provide enhanced opportunities for local children. Things could include sponsoring a local team.

Another area to consider is your will(s). All the best.

Oh dear OP. This goes deeper that originally thought.
Still advise him not to do anything rash. Take a month or 3 or so to decide what to do.
But I think this will only highlight deeper problems.

Dh's mum recently died. We are waiting for the inheritance to come through. He can do whatever he chooses with it.

Why on earth do people think it's a good idea to dish out incorrect legal advice on threads like these? It's bizarre and unhelpful. There is absolutely no certainly that OP would get half the inheritance on divorce and in fact it looks unlikely. OP would likely be financially much worse off (as, sadly, most women are) on divorce.

And that's before you consider that their marriage might be based on a little more than his worth as a cash cow. There are some really disgusting attitudes on here.

It's his money, he can do what he wants with it.

I wonder how many posters would be quick to suggest divorce if the genders were reversed?

Some of you are so rude, implying that the Op is "money grabbing ".

Her husband is taking a unilateral decision with HUGE financial implications for her and her children .

She is grieving for the MIL she cared for daily for 10 years, her children have lost their grandmother .

She has EVERY RIGHT to be angry and upset at the way he is acting .

He is grieving & IME this isn't such an unusual reaction to will money from a grieving DC, my own DM did something similar, though not so altruistic as donating to charity, she literally just blew the lot in a few weeks as it was in her words "dirty money" & it was a large inheritance too. We got nothing, where as cousins got tens of thousands, but DM bitched like crazy about her siblings being greedy & money grabbing for keeping the money & sharing it out.

In her mind it wasn't an inheritance, but a curse reminding her everyday that her DPs had gone - she very much regretted it all some 6 months later.

I agree with those saying to ask him to wait 6 months or so, to remind him he is acting in grief & therefore not rationally, as PP point out, his DM didn't leave to charity, but to him & to honour her, he needs to accept this, but tell him that you understand he is grieving & as such the money feels dirty - perhaps locking it in a restricted account for the time being might help him feel its out of the way for now & then he can decide what to do with it when he perhaps has a clearer head. Don't push now though, it will only cause a knee jerk grief reaction & he will just dump the money seeing you as "grabby" for dirty money - he isn't able to make a rational decision when his mind his so heavily clouded with grief - be kind to him

And yes, some of the attitude in this thread is disgusting.

op, I x posted with you. I dont know anyone in rl who thinks inheritances are anything to do with the spouse. sure, they are often spent in doing the house up or things that benefit both, but everyone I know keeps the money from their own inheritance in their own account then it forms part of their own estate. if he gives it all away none of your children are privileged over the others, although again its normal ime for parents to leave inheritances to.their children not step children (otherwise the stepkids end up with 3 inheritances and thats unfair)

how is your dh? he must be grieving v deeply.

It's generally good advice not to make any big decisions til one year after a bereavement.
Could you at least ask him to wait that long then decide?
My own mother got a 6 figure sum when we lost my dad.
She is spending it - it's been 3 years and there isn't much left - but to her the money is a constant reminder of what she has lost :(

Kr1stina I don't think anyone's accused OP of money grabbing but I do think some posters are, literally telling her to set up an account to transfer the money into an account in solely her name so he can't access it, and divorcing him quick to get half, and trying to freeze all his money (not for a period of grieving so he can't spend anything before divorce) many posters are all about the money not about support for the grieving husband

Are you sure he is coping with the death of his dm?? Sounds to me that he is not.

I have a horrible sinking feeling that he doesn't want the two he isn't the father of to benefit from 'his' family money.

He doesn't want any of the children to benefit from his family's money.

But if you want to go get into dynastic passing down of money, then no, of course his step children are unlikely to benefit.

Perhaps he knows his mother wouod not have wanted your children to get half of his money and so he prefers nobody in the family to have it?

Oops sorry other posters have now mentioned my last post.
But It does sound like he needs your support dealing with the grief rather than an argument about his mother's money.

it will take a long time for this amount of money to go through probate, especially if there is a house to sell as well. plenty of time for him to reflect on what he wants to do.

This thread certainly gives. Lot of support to those who consider money-grabbing bitches. Divorce him to get half repeatedly suggested as an option?

It is his money to do with as he pleases. That said, he has responsibilities to his family. He appears to consider these covered anyway, and the inheritance is not needed for that purpose.

First, he needs to work out how much will go in Inheritance Tax. Secondly, I also suspect (as others have commented) that his thinking processes are affected by grief. One factor probably not at the centre of his thoughts is that his kids are going to have to pay for their own education past 18. The OP doesn't mention he having a degree, but if he wants his kids to have the possibility of a degree, the inheritance is a heaven sent opportunity to set up FE funds for the kids - which surely he can see his mother would approve of?

The OP mentions his 'Heath Robinson' repairs: to me this suggests someone reluctant to employ tradesmen to do work, rather than DIY from necessity. There are men like that, who want to do it all themselves, however cack handed, rather than employ someone.

I would suggest (as others have) drawing up a list of work that needs doing, and of course the mortgage. I'd not mention fancy holidays as he may be the type who would think spending a windfall on a holiday is sinful, and it would backfire as a suggestion.

Engage with him about his charitable impulse. It is easy to say 'give it to charity' but what does he want to try and achieve? In his chosen area there will likely be many charities, with different approaches, different outcomes, and different cost bases. Some careful research is needed to be sure that his proposed gift does the most good. Getting him thinking positively about this, so his proposed gift will make the most difference, will take time, during which he may emerge more from his (presumed) grief and think more clearly about his own responsibilities. And you can engage positively with his charitable impulse and possibly exert more influence on his thinking than you will by being confrontational, however understandable that might be.

Divorce as many have suggested is a huge step and the financial consequences may not be as positive as many assume. Anyway, surely the relationship is about more than money?

When My DM sadly passed away, I wanted to change the world.

It was always her dream to build an orphanage in Africa and trust me if I'd won the Lottery at that time, I would have given it all to an orphanage.

If I'm to make that same decision today, I'd still give a substantial sum to charity but I'd keep some for my kids too. Your husband is definitely grieving and needs support.

If the OP divorced him she would not get half of the inheritance, it's his and I don't know why so many posters think otherwise.

I find the divorce-to-get-half suggestions a bit shocking too.

My DH will likely do the same as yours OP, as he does not "believe" in inheritance.

Me, I am a money grabbing bitch , and whilst it would ultimately be his decision, I might ask him to think on it for a few months, mainly as:

• university and house prices are do expensive for young people (our children)
• charities are often a bit ugly in that a lot of the money goes into charity managers' pockets. Personally there are few charities I support (a few small local ones here are fab)

Anyway, see if you can ask him to take some time to think on it?

Ultimately it is his decision though.

The supportive thing to do here is to encourage him to wait and to do some serious thought and due diligence on the charity or charities he is interested in supporting.

Whatever he chooses with such a large amount of money, it would be a shame to waste it by giving it to a charity that won't use it well.

It might be worth taking advice on how best to structure charitable giving?

He is grieving. Let him grieve and let him use his mother's money to remember her in whatever way he sees fit.

I would certainly hope the family woukd see some of it, as he calms down.

But at this point the last thing he needs is to be told what he must do with his dead mother's estate, which she left entirely to him.

How about suggesting that he INVEST the money, and give the procedes to charity?

Buy a small house, rent it to someone who needs it, give the rent to his chosen charity if that's what he wants to do.( doubling his desire to do good with it)

It would hang onto the capital.

I work for a chairy and I am happy to donate to it and other charities too.

Doinitfine Re "If I was his mother I would be very proud of the son I raised."

If the reason he wants to give it away is one of the reasons that the OP suspects (We have four dc between us 26, 24, 22 & 17. He is not the father of the oldest two but we have all live together as one family. I have a horrible sinking feeling that he doesn't want the two he isn't the father of to benefit from 'his' family money.) then I would not be at all proud. I know that was revealed after your comment but it does shed some further light on this odd situation.

Legally it's his money. But when my DH and I got married we saw it as a financial commitment as well as a romantic one. We promised to share our lives and our money. We promised to support each other, financially and otherwise, and make joint decisions. So if either of us inherited a large amount of money, we would think of it as money that we could add to the family pot, and we would make a joint decision about what to do with it. It's not a case of us owning half each, it's more that we collectively own the whole lot, if that makes sense?

OP, I think it's likely that your DH wants to give it all away because he is grieving. I hope that's the case. I hope you can persuade him to wait before making any decisions about what to do with the money. In the meantime perhaps you could suggest he gets in touch with Cruse (the bereavement charity) for support.

Maybe when the dust has settled you could persuade him to compromise, eg pay off the mortgage and pay for any essential repairs, then give the rest to charity, and set up a monthly donation as well (since he won't have a mortgage to pay he will be able to afford it).

But if he went ahead with his plan to give it all away I would be furious. It seems crazy to end a marriage over money but I do think it would be a difficult thing to get past - there would be so much resentment.

If you still can't reach an agreement even after he's had some time to grieve, perhaps couple's counselling would help?