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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh wants to give away entire 6 figure inheritance...

382 replies

Drizl · 07/09/2016 23:34

We've been together for 22 years and married for 16. Until now everything was great but this latest issue might just break us apart. My mil moved in next door to us 10yrs ago so we could help her out. My dh was round there every day tending to her and she was frequently here at ours. She has since died and dh is the sole heir to her substantial estate. He (we?) will inherit a large 6 figure sum. Dh announced earlier tonight that it's his intention to give away the entire sum to charity as we are moderately well off and there are people out there who really need it. I'm so unhappy he has taken this decision unilaterally. There is so much work needs doing on our house and I have to make do with his Heath Robinson repairs. We could pay our mortgage off and still have spare change but he won't hear of it. I'm furious the subject is not even up for discussion. He believes it's his sole decision what happens as only he is named in the will. I feel really hurt about his lack of willingness to even have a discussion about it and it's making me question our whole relationship. We're supposed to be a partnership. What do you think?

OP posts:
whattodowiththepoo · 08/09/2016 06:05

I disagree with him about inheriting wealth being a bad thing but if that's how he really feels he is still making a huge mistake.
Pay off mortgage and invest the money in your home, that way you have more disposable income to donate to charity regularly.

HappyJanuary · 08/09/2016 06:07

A friend's DH gave his inheritance to charity. Except he didn't. He hid it in an account in his own name because he didn't want to share.

RunnyRattata · 08/09/2016 06:10

I have a friend who worked for a large and well known charity. No way would I be giving them a wodge of cash after the things I've been told. If he insists on doing this at least get him to choose his charity wisely and plump for a local, smaller one.

I think it's the grief though. Any happiness that money would bring is a disconnect from the sorrow etc that is felt because she died. It can feel very wrong indeed ime.

FluffyFooFoo · 08/09/2016 06:10

I'd say it's a grief reaction. Perhaps your DH hasn't come to terms with his DM's death and by giving the inheritance away, it's like saying he doesn't wish to benefit by her demise. Give him time.

Spring2016 · 08/09/2016 06:16

You have a mortgage, and he is not even going to pay that off? I doubt he can even legally give it all away, legally isn't 50% of any money or stuff yours?

Giving away his mum's money that way, he is being unreasonable and disrespectful to his mother's memory, and disrespecting you as well. Would calling his doctor to have his mental state examined be something? I honestly have no idea!

Trifleorbust · 08/09/2016 06:23

What is he like with money and giving usually? Generous to you? Generous to strangers? Controlling of you?

I would quite seriously want to see proof if he said he had done this with 500K. Most men with a mortgage wouldn't do this, let alone most men with children. Unless he is philanthropic by nature - like, a saint - something doesn't add up here.

Is there any possibility he fears you will divorce him at some point in the near future, or he is planning to divorce you? He could easily be trying to avoid putting his inheritance into your joint property.

Trifleorbust · 08/09/2016 06:25

Having said that, I don't think it is true that the money automatically belongs to both of them. 'Family money' is a concept both partners have to buy into, not a legal reality - assets are divided on divorce.

Trifleorbust · 08/09/2016 06:26

Mummy: That is shocking advice. It is legally his inheritance, not his children's or his wife's.

KarmaNoMore · 08/09/2016 06:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KarmaNoMore · 08/09/2016 06:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trifleorbust · 08/09/2016 06:31

I would have tremendous respect for someone who actually gave their six figure inheritance to charity - it is a noble and benevolent act. Unfortunately, I would also lose respect for someone who did it in the face of opposition from those who relied on him financially.

PikachuSayBoo · 08/09/2016 06:31

I don't think,you would get half even if you divorced. I remember been told by a solicitor that inherited wealth wouldn't count if it had always been kept seperate from family finances. This was england.

LyraMortalia · 08/09/2016 06:32

I'm with 3Luckystars ask him to have a look at how corrupt charities are it's the scandal of this generation a six figure sum will just pay a years salary for David Milliband. But he is grieving and possibly not in his right mind I would be gentle with him but if he insisted I think I would ask for legal intervention so perhaps go and see a solicitor find out what you can actually do?

Trifleorbust · 08/09/2016 06:32

Karma: Only on separation and divorce. If an account is in her husband's sole name, she cannot access funds from that account just by proving her marital status, because legally, it isn't her money.

EarthboundMisfit · 08/09/2016 06:38

I would talk to him about letting the money sit in a savings account for a few months. He could give a portion to charity.

Bloodysickofit · 08/09/2016 06:45

I work for a charity; not a large national, although it's considered large due to the annual turnover.

Please DO NOT let your DH donate the money. I see so much waste/corruption at work it actually makes me feel sick.

I wouldn't donate a penny to charity now after seeing how things are done.

The public are kept in the dark.

MrsEricBana · 08/09/2016 06:48

I agree with others who have said the poor man is reacting instinctively to his mother's death. In the event of a divorce any inheritances received during the marriage but before separation do count as marital assets so it would be partially yours in that context (not necessarily 50%) although I agree you can't legally access it if it is in an account his name now. I would say the sensible thing to do is save it and think on it and if he's still determined then give half to charity and use the rest for family expenses.

Sierra259 · 08/09/2016 06:53

Agree with asking him to postpone the decision for 6-12 months. I also think the idea of a pp is a good one about suggesting he pays off the mortgage and then uses some of what would have been the monthly payments in direct debits to charity. Long term, that may well end up meaning more is donated and your home would be secure.

Like you, I would be frustrated and angry at the complete lack of discussion about something that could have a massive impact on your whole family for years. Why on earth wouldn't he want to help his children out in the future, especially in the current economic climate? They needn't even know some money is there for them!

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 08/09/2016 06:56

Is it true that it is joint? I am due to inherit a moderate sum, have already paid our mortgage off with money already received and intend to invest the rest and use it to pay for holidays etc. but I believe it is my money to do with as I please.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 08/09/2016 06:57

How about getting him to keep it so he can help out local people? For example, a little girl near me needs to go to USA for protobeam therapy, a local family just lost their 4 year old (and house) in a fire, a local cat shelter got broken into and destroyed. That way you can see the difference your donations are making to the individual instead of it going into one or two large charities. Maybe you'd feel better about giving and you could also use a little of the money for the house.

Shakey15000 · 08/09/2016 06:57

I'd say it is his decision ultimately. I wouldn't be over the moon either but whether you do anything about it (I.e leave) is up to you.

ExitPursuedBySpartacus · 08/09/2016 06:57

Very sad reading all this about charities. Are there no well run ones?

annandale · 08/09/2016 06:58

I'm another who hopes that time will bring counsel.

Ask him if his mother talked to him about the money, what she foresaw him doing with it. Also ask about the tax situation. If all the billionaires who give lots of money to their pet causes charity actually paid tax, charity wouldn't be needed.

goteam · 08/09/2016 06:58

Think very carefully about giving it to a charity to pi55 up the wall. I have worked for charities all my working life btw...

mathanxiety · 08/09/2016 07:01

See a solicitor, as soon as you possibly can.

You need to consider the possibility that your DH is seriously depressed or not himself. A relative of mine had this sort of intention and had actually started writing cheques to various charities, at which point the spouse found out. (Actually it was the local priest who called to say he had received a large cheque from X and was Y aware, who tipped Y off).

I suggest getting your DH to sit on the money for at least a year, and in the meantime try to get him to see a doctor, preferably a mental health specialist.

My relative was eventually placed under a psychiatrist's care; the grandiosity inherent in the idea of personally saving the world by writing cheques was recognised as a symptom of a mental illness that was beginning to show itself. The spouse controlled their finances from then on. Most of the five charities that had received cheques returned the money, thank goodness, and the spouse sent them a token donation.

Your DH seems so adamant about this matter, and his thoughts are so completely devoid of any concern for his children and for you, his SAHM wife who will need to be supported into old age, and so unrelated to reality and the possibility of disaster (stroke rendering him both disabled and in need of care and unfit for work, job loss due to Brexit, etc) that I think a few sessions with a therapist might be needed. It seems to me that there is a strong emotional component to his decision that needs to be examined, because what he is planning is neither rational nor reasonable, nor even caring.

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