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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did we both hear wrong?

193 replies

FeelingConfused85 · 06/09/2016 17:23

Hi.

More of a lurker but wanted to post to get some unbiased views.

I have been mildly suspicious of my husband for a while. Nothing I can really lay my finger on but just a feeling and a protectiveness over both his phones (work and personal), however I take my phone with me everywhere too, so nothing I could pull him up on.

Anyway, last week I'd been away for a few days with my mum and DS. Was driving home and my husband phoned when I was approx 25 mins away to ask if I wanted him to make toasties for me coming home. I said sure. He asked that I phone him when I was 2 mins away so he could stick them on, which I dutifully did. My phone is connected up to the Bluetooth in my car, so my mum heard all the convo. After he said bye, in that second before hanging up, he said "that was feelingconfused". Me and my mum looked at each other, as if to say who was that? We decided he must have been on the phone to his mum.

We got home, and he had made a toastie but only for me (I'd thought he was doing one for both of us). Lovely gesture, but not something he is known for doing. I asked him after about 15 minutes, who he'd been speaking to on the phone when I'd called. And he denied everything. Started to take the piss out of me a bit, and continued to do so the next day. Now if it had been me alone in the car, I'd have said ok I did hear wrong, but my mum heard it too.

The following day he was very needy, calling me a lot and texting, and asking if I was ok.

There are a few other things to. I discovered that he uses inprivate browsing on internet explorer (which to be fair he has always done, however we discussed it and he said it was because he watches porn - and I have no issue with this, so no need to hide it, so thought he had stopped). Also while I'd been away the switch on my hair dryer had been set to the highest heat which I never use, neither does my husband. Of course it could have been that it had just been knocked that way when turning it off or something.

He does have previous (online chatting and flirting), however it's been over 5 years since i discovered that.

Am I just being overly suspicious for no reason? Would really appreciate your views.

Thanks

OP posts:
AnneGables · 07/09/2016 16:02

If you have suspicions then trust your instincts, you are mostly likely right.

I ignored mine for a good 12mths and drove myself crazy with it. What a waste of a year!

SandyPantz · 07/09/2016 16:13

If he interrupted a phone call to call you to ask about toasties it doesn't sound to me that that would be a sex line etc as surely he would do that before he started paying not actually interrupt some fun.

That's why I think online affair/skype/facetime rather than sex worker:

she goes to answer door or whatever, he used time to call OP, OW comes back on screen and the DP says "oh that was OP"

You wouldn't interupt sex to make the call, but if it's sex WITH emotional affair he wouldn't necessarily have been in he heat of the moment

and if it was online skype chat 2 mins is enough notice to look innocent

but I agree with the PP who said you don't need proof if you're not happy, you can leave for no other reason that not being happy

Original poster
FeelingConfused85 · 07/09/2016 16:26

All points taken, however in his defence just because he doesn't cook or change the bed linen, doesn't mean he doesn't do anything else in the house.

Re the phone call - it was me who phoned him when I was 2 minutes away. So I think he had possibly been on a call, said to whoever it was on the other phone "2 seconds" when I had rung, then after he had hung up from me, went back to his call and said "that was feelingconfused".

Thanks again for all the advice, I have taken everything on board.

OP posts:
MylaMimi · 07/09/2016 16:34

feelingconfused Ah! It's not clear (to me) in your OP you said that hearing your DH say "that was feelingconfused" happened at the end of the second call where you rang him.

Of course, that does point to him being on the phone or webcam to someone else when you rang him. Why not just say so though! he could have said it was friend/mum/work colleague (even if it was something else)? Yes it does seem a big dodge now...

MylaMimi · 07/09/2016 16:35

a bit dodge..

Original poster
FeelingConfused85 · 07/09/2016 16:37

Sorry, I can see how it might not have been clear!

OP posts:
cherrypepsimax · 07/09/2016 22:14

If you're going to go to the trouble of a PI then look up voice activated usb sticks. You can get them on Amazon, they are about 10! My friend thought his wife was cheating and dropped one in her handbag Shock he heard everything Sad of course she denied it but he had the evidence. He thought he was going mad, she had done it before and swore she wasn't , it was in his mind etc. She was lying, she denied it even when she knew he had the stick!

faffalotty · 10/09/2016 09:46

How you doing OP?

MermaidTears · 10/09/2016 11:07

It's clear he is doing something either a phonecall or webcam.
I don't think someone was in the house.
I also don't believe the "call when two minutes away" is of any significance.
I believe he just needed the first phonecall to gauge that you would be roughly 20 minutes. He had to come up with something so suggested a toastie & said call when two mins away so I can cook it.

He had to say that as part of the excuse because if he didn't he may as well just wait for you to get home then cook the toastie. So he had to ask as part of his plan, but the two minutes is not significant.

Not sire if that makes sense?

I've one similar before.
Wanted to know how long I had before dp was home so rung to ask if he wanted dinner when he was home, and to let me know five mins before so I could put it on.
It was purely to ask the first question of 'how long have I got'.

(Was for a surprise, not an affair though haha)

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/09/2016 12:32

Generally OP, if you can smell a rat, it's because there is one.
The idea of a private investigator, is a good one. This will save you a lot of time and energy. Hope you are okay💐

IreallyKNOWiamright · 10/09/2016 19:55

Totally suspicious. Esp the hairdryer thing. Can you check his call log and then afterwards try and talk about the situation. Best not to before hand cause any evidence might get deleted

MermaidTears · 11/09/2016 08:59

Hi op how are you?
Is he behaving normally or is he on edge?

thecatsclinkers · 15/09/2016 09:50

this thread has stayed with me. How are you doing, OP?

Original poster
FeelingConfused85 · 15/09/2016 12:21

Hi!

Sorry to everyone who has been asking after me, I thought the thread had disappeared into the ether and forgot to check it.

I'm ok. I've barely seen him as he came back from working away, had a few days at home then went away again. Laptop use was minimal so nothing I could check on there. I need to get into the work phone, but it is so difficult with him being away/at work so often.

So thanks everyone, I'm ok, I've come to terms with the fact that I just need to bide my time. I'm giving nothing away at the moment - it's easy to when he's so often away!

OP posts:
Dowser · 15/09/2016 19:13

Definitely watch and wait. Keep a journal of any gut instincts.

Exh's mate called for their usual Friday night out...we were just chatting...can't remember what mate said initially or my response but...it was the 'don't worry, we aren't picking any women up. That I've never forgotten. I never thought they were...and they were.

I bought my exh a t shirt. He went..oh thanks...but I only wear black now...yes he was sprucing himself up. Write every little daft thing down.
Has he changed his music...exh started listening to a load of warbling women

It was obviously ow's taste.

Just look for slight changes. When someone is as guilty as fuck, it's amazing how it all begins to leech out.

While exh was making his mind up he had to tell me he was thinking of leaving me...so he didn't have to have a sexual relationship with me.

Just look for the differences/ the changes.

He was out one night at the masons with above mate . I did something I'd never done before, I went through every coat pocket, drawer whatever I could lay my hands on. I found a piece of paper with her name on and mine. The fat bastard and written a list and wrote all our good points and bad.

I rang my friend . ( above mates now ex) and shed met her about .8 months previously at a party. ( she had a very unusual name )

If he's guilty. You'll find it. They drop changers all over, take risks etc

That toastie story was a huge red herring.

ohfourfoxache · 15/09/2016 19:35

You're doing so well, he'll trip himself up without you needing to do anything.

But in the meantime, just get your ducks in a row Thanks

ProseccoBitch · 15/09/2016 22:47

I'm still watching this thread too. Hope you're OK, OP

SomeonesRealName · 16/09/2016 00:01

Just thinking is the no sex because he's getting it elsewhere, or is he going elsewhere because no sex at home, if you see what I mean.

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