Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Did we both hear wrong?

193 replies

FeelingConfused85 · 06/09/2016 17:23

Hi.

More of a lurker but wanted to post to get some unbiased views.

I have been mildly suspicious of my husband for a while. Nothing I can really lay my finger on but just a feeling and a protectiveness over both his phones (work and personal), however I take my phone with me everywhere too, so nothing I could pull him up on.

Anyway, last week I'd been away for a few days with my mum and DS. Was driving home and my husband phoned when I was approx 25 mins away to ask if I wanted him to make toasties for me coming home. I said sure. He asked that I phone him when I was 2 mins away so he could stick them on, which I dutifully did. My phone is connected up to the Bluetooth in my car, so my mum heard all the convo. After he said bye, in that second before hanging up, he said "that was feelingconfused". Me and my mum looked at each other, as if to say who was that? We decided he must have been on the phone to his mum.

We got home, and he had made a toastie but only for me (I'd thought he was doing one for both of us). Lovely gesture, but not something he is known for doing. I asked him after about 15 minutes, who he'd been speaking to on the phone when I'd called. And he denied everything. Started to take the piss out of me a bit, and continued to do so the next day. Now if it had been me alone in the car, I'd have said ok I did hear wrong, but my mum heard it too.

The following day he was very needy, calling me a lot and texting, and asking if I was ok.

There are a few other things to. I discovered that he uses inprivate browsing on internet explorer (which to be fair he has always done, however we discussed it and he said it was because he watches porn - and I have no issue with this, so no need to hide it, so thought he had stopped). Also while I'd been away the switch on my hair dryer had been set to the highest heat which I never use, neither does my husband. Of course it could have been that it had just been knocked that way when turning it off or something.

He does have previous (online chatting and flirting), however it's been over 5 years since i discovered that.

Am I just being overly suspicious for no reason? Would really appreciate your views.

Thanks

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/09/2016 21:58

I think given he's away from home so much, you have to factor in that he might be doing something then, OP.

GarlicMist · 06/09/2016 22:03

There's no way to recover a flushed DNS cache, unfortunately. I couldn't type fast enough after that was posted! He's away for 6 days ... if he takes his laptop, I guess that'll give him plenty of time to build up a new history.

You're not on this thread from the same machine, are you? If so, it'd be wise to delete the history and flush the DNS again.

I'm sorry you're going through this - and highly impressed by your cool head :)

conscientioussuicidee · 06/09/2016 22:04

OP- I'm sorry you are in this situation.

Your back story about online messaging is almost identical to what happened with my ex H. I lost trust at that point and never regained it. We split for other reasons in the end but I know this was a contributing factor
And I found him advertising himself on gay websites as things were braking downs = final straw.
I totally get why you wouldn't want to have sex with him.

Sending you CakeBrewChocolateFlowers. Take care of yourself. Xx

Memoires · 06/09/2016 22:06

Kr1stina's idea for getting his phone in your hand is brilliant! The only downside is that as he has two, so he can choose to hand over the most innocent, even if that's the work phone.

hollyisalovelyname · 06/09/2016 22:08

OP it's not looking good.
Sad
I hope you have real life support if your hunch is indeed right.
Personally I'd be doing a Miss Marple. But that's difficult if your dc is young and you can't slip out to follow dh.

Original poster
FeelingConfused85 · 06/09/2016 22:12

No I'm on my phone! Gutted it was actually me who deleted the evidence Blush

He's left it here while away for work, so will need to wait until he's back but now I know how to do it, I think I can wait it out.

OP posts:
Mikkalina · 06/09/2016 22:12

OP's DH could have used hairdryer for dying some, e.g. his hair, spilled drink.

Mikkalina · 06/09/2016 22:14

Not " dying some" but drying something.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/09/2016 22:16

He is so anti cheating and always says how disgusting it is if we see it on tv or it happens around us.

Says the man who takes both phones into the shower.

Original poster
FeelingConfused85 · 06/09/2016 22:16

He definitely uses my hairdryer! But always on the lowest heating setting. He's still relatively new to the world of hairdryers so could have pressed the heat switched instead of the on/off switch I suppose

OP posts:
MylaMimi · 06/09/2016 22:20

Is it possible he's had friends/a friend round whilst you were away, instead of a woman? Saying "That was Sally" (or whatever your name is) to another woman would be odd when he phoned you. He would already have told them he was going to ring you.

Unless, of course, he was making a quick call to you when they were out of the room. That's when you'd say "That was Sally". Slightly guiltily feeling like you had to explain yourself. Obviously if he's had a friend (male) to stay then it wouldn't be guiltily. He would just be stating the fact.

Could he have been on the lash with a friend from work and let them stay over, maybe lending them your pillow? Maybe the friend used your hairdryer? Or maybe (as someone else said) he used your hairdryer to dry something quickly. Maybe he'd just got up and was feeling guilty about his lie-in so used your hairdryer himself?

What's with the cheese toasties? Does he usually ever eat cheese toasties? Do you? Is that a "new thing" as well? Just thinking it's the sort of thing someone different suggests and you think it's the best idea ever and start making them. Or maybe he just saw a posh version on a cookery show. Or maybe, as he doesn't cook, that's what he's been eating as it's quick & easy.

Original poster
FeelingConfused85 · 06/09/2016 22:23

It was me who rang him when I was 2 mins away. He initially called when I was 25 mins away and told me to phone him when 2 mins away.

He would have told me if he had a friend round, I wouldn't have minded at all. And yeah he definitely would have used the hairdryer at some point, he could have got mixed up with the settings when switching it off!

OP posts:
lazydog · 06/09/2016 22:23

Urghhh!! I was too slow. I was going to tell you to check the recent dns records as in private browsing doesn't stop them being stored, but then someone basically told you to wipe the entire cache instead - DOH!

So, yes, you've just erased your evidence and will now have to wait for him to do something dodgy online again.

mintywhite.com/windows-7/7security/hack-private-browsing-mode/

GlitteryFluff · 06/09/2016 22:33

I think something is dodgy even if the hair dryer was him.
He said that was feelingconfused to someone. Either in the room or on webcam or phone or whatever.
If it was innocent he'd have said oh I was on phone to X when you called so they were on hold or other phone or whatever
His reaction to you asking about it seems enough to me.
Keep digging. Investigate. Hopefully you'll get evidence that is enough to do something about.

Member251061 · 06/09/2016 22:47

My husband had an affair and I had absolutely no idea about it.
I think you should just ask him. It is awful being in a relationship when you don't quite trust your partner. I wish you all the best.

robinia · 06/09/2016 23:11

Although everything taken together does sound suspicious, I have to point out - I always take my phone in the bathroom.

Makemineacabsauv · 06/09/2016 23:11

As fourfoxache says. Cover yourself. Be clever. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Cabrinha · 06/09/2016 23:27

Can I throw in an alternative view? It will sound flippant perhaps, but it really isn't.

  • he has never in 10 years changed the bed linen, leaving it to you
  • he never cooks

I bet the whole list more... even if he's not cheating, do you really want to be with him? Really? You don't have to find evidence now to decide actually you don't want this.

But let's add more:

  • he cheated on you more than once some years ago (that you know of) messaging girls online (yes, that's cheating)
  • tellingly, you say you stayed because you were pregnant. Not because he busted a gut with apologies and explanations and counselling and hard work
  • you don't have sex

So add that all in - again, you don't need proof now, to decide you don't want him.

I will say this too on the lack of sex. Do you think that a man who is already happy to contact other women online is going to remain without sex? Really? I am not blaming you for not having sex with him, btw. I stopped having sex with my XH when I was suspicious about prostitutes. He never once in years hassled me about it. Because he was indeed having sex all along with prostitutes. I think it's highly unlikely that your arsehole of a husband is happily not having sex, when he's happy to cheat.

How can you listen to his moralising shite without throwing his own messaging at him every time?!

Mikkalina · 06/09/2016 23:49

He definitely uses my hairdryer! But always on the lowest heating setting. He's still relatively new to the world of hairdryers so could have pressed the heat switched instead of the on/off switch I suppose

Hairdryer is not an issue as he is using it anyway. He could have just pressed the wrong switch and then unplugged it.

OnionKnight · 07/09/2016 06:37

Yeah because he uses the hair dryer the wrong switch being pressed isn't suspicious because he could well have done it by accident, everything else together is very suspicious but there could be an innocent explanation.

He has history though which doesn't bode well.

DamnGood314 · 07/09/2016 08:17

I agree with Cabrinha.

MrTCakes · 07/09/2016 08:45

I also agree with Cabrinha . My exh stopped complaining about lack of sex (which was due to hyperemesis and an awful pregnancy) - I thought aw that's nice, he isn't complaining - no, because he was seeing prostitutes. He was also messaging lots of women behind my back with no remorse, if I ever brought it up I was told to get over it and stop dragging up the past.
I really hope it isn't what it sounds like, but, as other posters have said, he sounds useless anyway. Sorry that you are going through this.

ScarletForYa · 07/09/2016 09:00

Put a key logger on his laptop OP.

It might be a prostitute. A prostitute would have no problem doing it in your bed and using your hairdryer but even the most brazen of mistresses would be less likely to do those things.

NameChange30 · 07/09/2016 09:39

I'm with Cabrinha.
A man who cheats on his pregnant partner when they've only been together a year (which is still the honeymoon period IMO!) doesn't deserve a second chance, let alone a third.

JinkxMonsoon · 07/09/2016 10:10

The two minute thing to me makes it LESS likely he's habing an affair
I mean, it would take a lot longer than 2 mins to get out the way, why cut it so fine? Why not 20 mins !!??

I wondered that too - why two minutes and not five or ten? But I guess he was trying to make it believable - it doesn't take long to make a toastie after all. Never mind the fact the toastie could have waited until you'd actually arrived home.

But maybe "they" (assuming there was a woman in the house) got a thrill out of leaving it as late as possible?

Swipe left for the next trending thread