Did we both hear wrong?

[FeelingConfused85]

Hi.

More of a lurker but wanted to post to get some unbiased views.

I have been mildly suspicious of my husband for a while. Nothing I can really lay my finger on but just a feeling and a protectiveness over both his phones (work and personal), however I take my phone with me everywhere too, so nothing I could pull him up on.

Anyway, last week I'd been away for a few days with my mum and DS. Was driving home and my husband phoned when I was approx 25 mins away to ask if I wanted him to make toasties for me coming home. I said sure. He asked that I phone him when I was 2 mins away so he could stick them on, which I dutifully did. My phone is connected up to the Bluetooth in my car, so my mum heard all the convo. After he said bye, in that second before hanging up, he said "that was feelingconfused". Me and my mum looked at each other, as if to say who was that? We decided he must have been on the phone to his mum.

We got home, and he had made a toastie but only for me (I'd thought he was doing one for both of us). Lovely gesture, but not something he is known for doing. I asked him after about 15 minutes, who he'd been speaking to on the phone when I'd called. And he denied everything. Started to take the piss out of me a bit, and continued to do so the next day. Now if it had been me alone in the car, I'd have said ok I did hear wrong, but my mum heard it too.

The following day he was very needy, calling me a lot and texting, and asking if I was ok.

There are a few other things to. I discovered that he uses inprivate browsing on internet explorer (which to be fair he has always done, however we discussed it and he said it was because he watches porn - and I have no issue with this, so no need to hide it, so thought he had stopped). Also while I'd been away the switch on my hair dryer had been set to the highest heat which I never use, neither does my husband. Of course it could have been that it had just been knocked that way when turning it off or something.

He does have previous (online chatting and flirting), however it's been over 5 years since i discovered that.

Am I just being overly suspicious for no reason? Would really appreciate your views.

Thanks

Do you think he was on some sort of webcam call on his laptop on the bed op? Pillow moved on the bed.....I don't know.

Your mum and you both heard him speak to someone...

I also think he was offering you a toastie enabling him to find out when you were close by. Does he normally cook for you when you have been away? The fact he only made you one is odd, why would anyone do that?

I would also look at a private investigator (I know lots will disagree). But you cannot access his phone (have you got access to the bill?)and he is away a lot.

His comments about mistresses etc make him sound guilty.

How about letting things go for a month or two and then having another weekend away? Leave a recorder/hidden cam/hire a private investigator/ return unexpectedly.

Webcam call is a possibility.

the toastie thing is very unlike him, he never cooks dinner etc and only very occasionally makes snacks. I'm trying to think if there has been other times when he's made something for me coming home, but nothing springs to mind.

I'm seriously considering private investigator.

I think you SHOULD seriously consider a PI - you need to know

It does sound very dodgy, sorry.
Could you not just demand to look at both his phones when he returns. If he says no then you know your answer

I've probably watched too many dodgy detective shows, right now I'm channeling Carrie in Homeland, but probably sound like a sad Miss Marple: have you looked through the bins? Food wrappers, wine bottles when he drinks beer? That kind of stuff.

Also, my hairdryer really needs a good push to change settings, it doesn't just switch easily, but that might be nothing.

Think I agree with the bluffing thing too, with the flippant mistress side of the bed comment. Trying to play with your head

You certainly have grounds to feel concerned OP, but don't let on, just play it cool whilst you dig xx

Every time these "little thing, probably nothing" oddities have cropped up in my life, it WAS another woman. Every single time. I'm now convinced our clever brains are piecing together bits of information we haven't even noticed consciously - then, when possible evidence appears, it yells (in a brain-like way, lol) "Evidence! The puzzle fits! Investigate!"

So, yes, I think you should. Or simply trust your instincts and go for it, but I know how hard that is.

Dodgy as hell. My dh is a doctor. When he showers he gives me his phone to answer so I can get him if it's the hospital. He'd be screwed if it got damaged in the bathroom if he tried to answer while showering.

There is no reason on earth to take two phones to the shower unless you have something to hide.

I wouldn't take my cheap old Samsung into the bathroom, condensation etc., that is very odd.

I'd be looking at some sort of nanny cam. I think I'd speak to a PI while he's away and have him/her make some suggestions, too.

If you discovered he was unfaithful, would you leave him? Do you have children together?

The toastie idea seems to be something he's cobbled together to give himself a two minute warning. Given it only takes two minutes, why would anyone need a warning? It makes no sense.

does you dh have a password pn his phone and if so, do you know it?

Once a shower is on, it's hard to tell if someone's actually in it, rather than texting, isn't it?

I'd say nothing, act like you believe everything he says and it's all forgotten then say you're going to stay at your mums because you're seeing a show/ insert something believable that you and dm might do go out, take an overnight bag. At about 10pm drive home, park round the corner and let yourself in quietly. Look for an ow -hairdryerusingbitch- It might be nothing.
Okay it's not the mature, talk it out approach, but it's what I'd do.

We have one DC together, yes I would leave him.

I do know his password for his personal phone but not for his work phone. But even if I did, I don't get near either of them to have a look.

Has he changed the bedding? Extra towels used or washed? Extra dishes? You need to turn Miss Marple.

Hairdryerusingbitch 😂 Thanks, that's cheered me up and is a good suggestion.

Wouldn't you be able to smell if another woman had been in your bed? Not just sex smells but her general smell from toiletries?

Go with your gut feeling.
I think he found money down the side of the bed when he was checking there were no stray panties or condom wrappers.
The pillow possibly had perfume or makeup on it.
The phone call was to clear evidence before you got home.
The "jokes" were a double bluff.
The phones in the shower are in case someone rings and you pick up..not in case you snoop, as he has them password protected.
I'd put money on him cheating and she has been in your home.
I'm sorry OP.

The less suspicious and gullible you appear, the more he'll drop his guard. Act like you believe everythinh he says until he thinks that you dont question him at all. Then do your investigating

Stop asking him questions. In the unlikely event that's he's innocent , it will piss him off.

If he's guilty, it will make him more careful. You need to act completely normal and totally unsuspecting. If anything, be more loving than normal.

You say he's a very clever man so he won't be easy to catch out. You need to think through things very very carefully.

My Dh is OBSESSED by work and even he NEVER takes his phones into the bathroom. It's too easy to knock them off the sink / a shelf and crack the screen if they fall on a hard surface . As well as all that water. Mad.

There was a thread a few days ago where a helpful poster explained how to find web history even if private browsing had been used. Only worked if the laptop hadn't been restarted. Could you try googling how to do that for your particular model? Wish I could remember the thread title.

Sounds dodgy as hell to me. I'd be following him or getting a PI for sure. Act cool, don't show suspicion or he'll just start covering his tracks. And don't tell him whatever you find out until after you've laid some plans in place financially.

He is so anti cheating and always says how disgusting it is if we see it on tv or it happens around us.

People who don't cheat don't make a point of saying how anti-cheating they are at every opportunity.
I never say "that's disgusting" if there's cheating on tv….. I have no need to?

Have you checked the bath/shower plug hole for hair that's not his? Assuming the hairdryer had been used by someone else I'm assuming they'll have washed their hair.

Also next time I'd also be subtly marking the levels of all my shampoo/conditioner bottles, to check if they're the same or less when I get back (assuming your DP doesn't use them)