Did we both hear wrong?

[FeelingConfused85]

Hi.

More of a lurker but wanted to post to get some unbiased views.

I have been mildly suspicious of my husband for a while. Nothing I can really lay my finger on but just a feeling and a protectiveness over both his phones (work and personal), however I take my phone with me everywhere too, so nothing I could pull him up on.

Anyway, last week I'd been away for a few days with my mum and DS. Was driving home and my husband phoned when I was approx 25 mins away to ask if I wanted him to make toasties for me coming home. I said sure. He asked that I phone him when I was 2 mins away so he could stick them on, which I dutifully did. My phone is connected up to the Bluetooth in my car, so my mum heard all the convo. After he said bye, in that second before hanging up, he said "that was feelingconfused". Me and my mum looked at each other, as if to say who was that? We decided he must have been on the phone to his mum.

We got home, and he had made a toastie but only for me (I'd thought he was doing one for both of us). Lovely gesture, but not something he is known for doing. I asked him after about 15 minutes, who he'd been speaking to on the phone when I'd called. And he denied everything. Started to take the piss out of me a bit, and continued to do so the next day. Now if it had been me alone in the car, I'd have said ok I did hear wrong, but my mum heard it too.

The following day he was very needy, calling me a lot and texting, and asking if I was ok.

There are a few other things to. I discovered that he uses inprivate browsing on internet explorer (which to be fair he has always done, however we discussed it and he said it was because he watches porn - and I have no issue with this, so no need to hide it, so thought he had stopped). Also while I'd been away the switch on my hair dryer had been set to the highest heat which I never use, neither does my husband. Of course it could have been that it had just been knocked that way when turning it off or something.

He does have previous (online chatting and flirting), however it's been over 5 years since i discovered that.

Am I just being overly suspicious for no reason? Would really appreciate your views.

Thanks

I hope he washed his hands before he made that toastie.

It is a strange one. Ringing to say, put the roast on now, I'll be back in 90 minutes I could understand. But to try and force feed somebody a toastie when they get in the door and probably want to hang up their coat and go to the loo, it's making me laugh. Sorry!

Next time you could always say you will be back an hour later than you actually will be?

Catch him right out?! Cant hide anything that way.

Another possible way to get his phone (similar to the previous suggestion) is to fabricate some kind of issue with your phone and ask to borrow one of his when you go out so you can keep in touch with him/call for a cab/some other need to use a phone while you're out. There's no reason he should refuse as he has two phones and that way you'd have the phone for longer.

I can't believe that he's had someone in your bed if he's not changed the sheets - surely you'd be able to tell?? Hairdryer seems like a red herring

Did he say 'that was {your name}' as opposed to 'that was my wife'?

If he wanted two minutes' notice (and was seeing someone) then she lives very near.

No, the someone was in OP's house. He needed 2 minutes notice to get them out of the house. Not two minutes to get back from their house.

2 minutes isn't enough. He was on the phone or a webcam .

I reckon he's using a service you have to pay for , and he didn't want to waste his money having to hang up too soon . If it was OW, he would give himself more time to get sorted out than 2 mins .

If you ever do get hold of his phone then it might be worth checking the location history on it. My phone logs where I was and how long for - it might help tie up if he was where he said he was and also give you the location of hairdryerusingbitch if she exists.

I agree it sounds like he was on webcam.

But 2 minutes is definitely enough to get out of the house if you are dressed and have checked you have everything. You literally just walk out!

Do you ever get the chance to check his phones? The fact that call history is deleted would be a cause for concern? who does that unless they have something to hide?

Can you get hold of his phones when he is asleep? He doesn't have them in the bed with him does he?

If he was on a webcam, surely he'd say "that was my wife" and not "that was [wife's name]?

And I don't know the first thing about how webcam services operate. Is it normally to make phone calls to other people whilst "talking" to a woman on a webcam?

Maybe she wasn't actually in the bed, IFYSWIM

Always found it strange when someone goes on about how anti cheating they are everyone's anti cheating its called decency, you don't need to point it out. Also when he says he's anti cheating don't you say - so how come you did cheat then?
2 mins is totally long enough for someone to nip out the door but it sounds like he was on his work phone to ~hairdryerusingbitch~ and normal phone to you and didn't hang up before going back to work phone.
Maybe it was a friend /colleague and he was just meaning gotta go now??
do you think I've had a woman here while you were away? And as I went up to bed he called up "don't sleep on the side my mistress was on!", all very jokey haha way.
Next time he does this say 'ooo reverse psychology very clever'

If he was on a webcam, surely he'd say "that was my wife" and not "that was [wife's name]?

You'ld use the name presumably if it was an online emotional affair

or if it was a paid webcam thingie with someone you were a very regular customer with, apparently men often tell sex workers quite a lot about their lives??

It is all dodgy. Sorry op.

You didn't both hear wrong, he was talking to someone, telling them it was you on the phone. As he's denied talking to anyone, then it was obviously someone he knew he shouldn't be talking to. I'd suspect an affair as well. Sorry OP.

Doesn't sound great op. Sorry.
The worst thing for me is the kind of reverse psychology jokes about his 'misteess'. Chimes with my own experience.
Unless you have concrete proof it seems unlikely he will admit anything however.
As pp have said, listen to your gut. Interesting that your mum also feels there may be something awry-perhaps she has picked up a weird vibe from him too?

You heard right.

You feel something is off.

You don't trust him (with good reason given his history)

What more do you need?

If he's cheating, whether that's via social media or using web escorts, then he's an arse. If he's not, you're quite clearly not in a happy marriage anyway.

Don't bother with the key logger or searching the web history or checking his phone.

If you don't trust him, what is there to stay for?

Last night I thought the same as Cabrinha. The man's never made the bed, never cooks a meal, cheated while you were pregnant and lied flat out about talking to someone. He sounds like a major catch. To borrow a fellow regular's phrase, what are you getting out of this relationship now?

You know you don't need cast-iron evidence to end it, don't you? There's no burden of proof, no judge or jury. All you need is not to be happy with it any more.

Dixie - he put them on hold while he spoke to the OP

Kr1stina but the DH rang the OP. Even if he was on hold to someone else, he would have told them before he rang, not after? It's not the same as if OP had phoned DH, in which case he might have said "Hold on, I need to take this call" (being OP on the other line) and then after "That was OP", but he rang OP (that time).

In my reasoning, saying "That was OP" after the call does point to someone else being around who hadn't seen him go on the phone, so he felt the need to explain when he finished the call. i.e. someone had stepped out of the room and come back in just as he was finishing the call. I said that upthread, that maybe he had a friend stay over after a night out and for one reason or another didn't want to tell OP he'd done so (maybe she would think he was slacking, maybe he had told her he wasn't doing much and then decided to do something but just didn't want to backtrack.. )